by Fields, MJ
“See, I’m just not musically inclined,” I say with frustration as I sit back on my heels.
His laugh makes me glare at him. “It’s okay. You’ll get it. So what does this thing mean?” he asks, pointing at the sheet.
I go over the difference between chords and tablature, and it instantly clicks in his brain. Now he’s helping me understand. “I’m supposed to be teaching you, and now you’re the one teaching me.” I’m flustered by the entire experience.
“Don’t worry—you’ll get it, too. You have me to help you, remember?” he teases.
“What do we have here?” His mom comes out from the house and walks toward us.
“Hi, Mrs. Allen.” I jump up to give her a hug.
We’ve gotten close over the years. She used to dance before she had Trevin, so she comes to all my performances and has even started helping out as an instructor more recently.
“Lily’s learning how to play guitar. Check this out.” He strums the few chords I just taught him. “She’s going to teach me to play, too.” The excitement in his eyes shines brightly as he beams at his mom.
Silently, I watch pain reflect in her expression, and I try to imagine what’s going on in her head. Her anguish centers around his dad, and the bruises he’s left behind are a testimony to her torment. The marks on her arms mimic fingerprints, and since I haven’t seen any more bruises on Trevin, it’s obvious she’s taking the brunt of his anger.
Trevin and I never spoke about that night. He doesn’t know I saw the entire thing go down, much less heard it word for word, and I’ve never felt the need to tell him. It’s none of my business, and if he doesn’t want to talk about it, then neither do I.
When his mom looks at me, she blinks away the tears as she thanks me for teaching him before quietly turning around to go back inside.
A week ago, I would have done anything possible to get out of learning the guitar, but now, after seeing his face and then hers, I know in the end it will be worth it, and for them, I’m happy to do it.
Trevin
Music has been my escape from my screaming father for the last few years, and I’m so excited to finally get the chance to learn the guitar.
At night, I lay with my Discman playing music through my earphones as I imagine being them someday. Baseball is my passion, but music is my dream. If I concentrate long enough, I can see myself performing for thousands of screaming fans who get as much happiness from my tunes that I do now listening to my favorites.
I spend the majority of my time at home, alone in my room, hiding from my dad, so when I walk in from being outside with Lily, I’m surprised to see my mom sitting on my bed with a CD and my Discman.
“Oh, hey baby.” She pauses as she wipes a tear from her eye.
“Mom, what’s wrong?” I walk up to her, looking at my Discman and the CD. “What’s that?”
“I’m just…I–I’m really happy that Lily is teaching you to play guitar. I know music is important to you and I’m…I’m just happy for you right now. I’m sorry we can’t put you in lessons.”
I shrug. “It’s okay, Mom. I get it.”
“Well, here, I was going to leave you a note with this, but we can listen to it together now. Here, come sit next to me.”
I do as she asks, picking up the CD case that shows seven very hippy-looking guys on a street and Lynyrd Skynyrd written above them. I’ve heard of the band but can’t name any of their songs off the top of my head.
“Lynyrd Skynyrd?” I ask as I flip over the case to look at the back.
“I know, they’re a band from my era and not the cool stuff you listen to today, but there’s a song I want you to hear. When I found out I was pregnant with a boy, I played this song over and over again, praying you would become a simple man.”
I look at her, confused, and she smiles, walking to my small boom box to play it there instead so we can both listen to it. “The song is called Simple Man. Just listen to the lyrics. This could be a good first song for you to learn to play.”
A slow guitar riff starts the song and catches my attention as I listen to a man sing about his mom wanting to sit down and talk with him.
My mom looks at me with tears in her eyes.
“Mom…” I plead with her to stop looking all sappy.
Her sniffles make the words hard to hear, but she wipes her eyes again and tries to quiet down. “I know. I’ll stop, just listen.”
I sit in silence as the lyrics talk about his mom preaching for him to follow his heart, being satisfied and content in his life—a simple man.
Even though it’s got a slower beat, I still dig the lyrics, especially with my mom sitting next to me, as though she’s part of the song. I understand her need to share this with me, and it’s cool she’s trying to talk to me in a way she knows I’ll connect with—music.
She doesn’t want me to turn out like my father but doesn’t know how to ensure our horrible home life doesn’t define my future. He’s an abusive drunk who’s not even a dad to me. I’ll never comprehend why she stays. Without him, we would have such a better life. But I’m no one to make that decision—I’m just a kid. She’s the one who will have to do something about it.
She tries her hardest to shield me from him. I overhear her begging him to be quiet so he doesn’t wake me, and pleading with him to lower his voice so I don’t hear him degrading her. I’m well aware of exactly what kind of man he is, and I know for a fact I don’t want to be anything like him.
She grabs my hand as the song ends, crying again.
“Mom…” I’m annoyed and look away from her.
“Baby, just promise me. Promise you’ll learn to play this song and remember it for years to come. I want you to grow up to be something you love and understand,” she says, quoting the song. “It’s important to me. Your father isn’t being the role model you need him to be or setting an example to show you how it should be done. But I want to make sure you turn out to be a good man, a simple man, no matter what you’ve seen or lived through.”
“I will. I promise.”
“Okay, baby. I love you,” she whispers against my head as she leans in to kiss my forehead like she has a million times before.
“Love you too, Mom.”
Three
One kiss is all I need.
One kiss and I’ll be freed.
One kiss was all we agreed.
One kiss is all I need.
- Trevin Allen
Trevin – Age 14
“Aren’t you getting tired?” Lily yawns as she rolls over on her bed, looking at me stretched out on the floor.
She had dance class tonight, and since my mom is her instructor, I got to go just to hang out and watch. I know firsthand how tired she must be, but I really don’t want to go home. Not yet.
“Nope. Don’t tell me you are? It’s not even that late.” I glance at the clock to see it’s just now ten pm. I sigh and meet her stare, silently begging her with my eyes not to kick me out.
Throughout summer break, I’ve hidden at her house for as long as she lets me. For hours, we sit, just like this, idly passing the time—talking about nothing, laughing till our sides hurt, playing my guitar, or just listening to music. These nights have been my favorite part of the summer. When school starts next week, I won’t be able to hang out like this anymore. I’ll be stuck at my house, listening to the never-ending screaming from my father, or being punished for things I didn’t do. I swear he creates shit in his mind just to make my life a living hell.
“It’s okay. How are things going?” Her eyes are glassy and the edges rimmed with red. The evidence of her being tired keeps showing up in the form of numerous yawns. I’m selfish, but being here with Lily is my only solace. She knows well enough my home life is shit. I don’t need her to clarify what she’s asking about.
I don’t answer her, just shrug and reach up to the stereo, turning the Bush CD to track five to play Comedown before I go sit right next to her bed so we’re only a few inc
hes away from each other. The mellow flow of the song hits my soul as I lean back against her bed, closing my eyes, enjoying the escape being with Lily and listening to music provides me. It’s my safe haven.
Even though the TV is on, the sound is muted so only the blue hue filters through the otherwise dark room. I turn back to find Lily with her eyes closed, asleep on the edge of the bed. I’ve seen her practically every day since we were eight years old, but today, her soft features, curled up like this, brings a small smile to my face.
Lately, I find myself thinking more and more about her, but not only as a friend. I notice little details about her that haven’t caught my attention for years, but now, they’re glaringly obvious. Every time I look at her, it’s like I’m seeing someone new, not the girl I grew up with and have known for years. And not the silly nicknames I call her, either. For the first time, I’m actually seeing her—Lily. I’ve liked other girls in our class, but not like this.
My heart beats erratically, slowing down, speeding up, and my palms start to sweat when I stare in her direction.
With her eyes closed, I can look at her and take in every detail of every feature. No matter how hard I try to force my eyes away, they stay glued to her, and I can’t figure out what’s going on inside me.
A small strand of her hair has fallen over her eye, and before I can think, my hand is up, moving it to the side, giving me a better, unobstructed view of her face. The bracelet she gave me when we were nine comes into view on my wrist, which fuels my fire more.
“Are you nervous, Trevin?” she asks as she slides into the car, getting ready to leave for my baseball game where I’m pitching tonight.
“Me, nervous? Come on. I got this.” My pride-filled response earns a laugh from her.
“Well, here, I made you a good luck charm. Hold out your right hand.” Lily motions for my arm, wiggling her fingers.
I do as she asks, and she wraps a thin piece of string around my wrist. I cock an eyebrow in her direction, giving her a funny look. “A bracelet? Come on, Lily Pad, I’m a guy.”
“Yes, and even boys need good luck charms. I made it with boy colors just for you.”
Giving it a second chance, the blue and black braid turns out to be a pretty cool design. It’s thin and barely noticeable. When I glance back in her direction, she’s got this huge grin on her face as she secures it to my wrist.
“Okay, I guess it’s cool. Thanks,” I say, never taking my eyes off her.
Every time it breaks, I’ve had her make me a new one as soon as she could. Glancing over to her desk, I see the making of one already started. She’s getting smart and making them when she has time so I always have a backup ready and never have to be without it.
Her eyes flutter open and gaze into mine as we stare at each other, both of us completely silent. The CD is on shuffle, and the low guitar sounds of Glycerine fill the loud silence, making the tug between us stronger, pulling us closer together.
My hand is still on her hair, and I hesitate to slowly move it more to cup her cheek. A need I’ve never felt burns through me as I inch closer, desperate to feel more of her. My stare drifts from her eyes to her mouth, and instinctively, her soft tongue sneaks out, licking her lips briefly before slipping back in, tucked away, looking like she’s not sure whether to speak, stop me or meet with mine for the first time.
My chest constricts the closer I get to her. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, but happiness fills my heart when I realize she isn’t doing anything to stop me. Complete opposite in fact. Her arm tucked in front of her gradually slides to the side, removing the only barrier between her body and mine.
When the lyrics sing, “Couldn’t love you more, you got a beautiful taste,” I watch as her eyes move to my lips, and I can’t help but wonder what hers taste like.
I’m so close I can’t stop now. This is it. The thought of kissing her has crossed my mind before, but never has there been this desperate need that’s taking me over now. This might be a horrible idea—it could all go horribly wrong, changing everything about us, but I have to taste the lips I’ve stared at the majority of my life.
I’m centimeters away when my tongue sweeps out, wetting my lips, preparing to meet with hers for the first time.
“Trevin.” The warmth of her whisper brushes against my mouth.
“Shh…” I answer as we meet, connecting softly at first, experimenting with the sensation of her sweet, supple lips against mine.
I pull back briefly, checking her response. Greeted with a small smile as she draws in a shaky breath, I lean in again, opening my mouth wider and sweeping my tongue against her lips.
Without any hesitation, she welcomes me in, and goddamn, I accept her invitation without any thought. Everything about her lips—the way her tongue dances with mine, her fantastic taste—feels right. In this moment, even with everything else wrong at home, my life is perfect. Nothing else matters but her sweet body I’m dreaming of pulling into mine.
Wrapping my arm around her back, I lean in, and bring her closer to me. Deepening our kiss, we shift to sneak in a breath and further open up to each other.
My desire to feel her, hold her, be one with her grows and I can’t stop myself from leaving the floor to join her on the bed. Instantly, I regret trying to progress what’s happening between us when her hand meets my chest. Stopping me in my tracks and breaking away from my lips.
“Trev…” she whispers, looking up at me.
Reality sinks in, and when I realize what I just did, every ounce of happiness washes away. Internally, I kick myself for kissing my best friend.
What the hell am I doing?
“I’m—shit…Lily, I’m sorry.”
My feet are underneath me in seconds, carrying me out of her room, then her house, and across her lawn to mine. The night sky covers me in a blanket of darkness as I struggle to stop my intense, ragged breaths. My arms tingle with the rush of blood flowing through them as feelings I don’t understand course through me. I don’t know what came over me or why I’d kissed her.
But she kissed me back.
The moment I crack the front door, my dad’s voice reverberates off the walls—yelling at my mom has become a normal occurrence in my house. There’s no telling what’s upset him this time, but I’ve learned not to get involved. I used to, but my mom said every time I did it just made the situation worse, so for her sake, I stay out of it. Instead, I head straight to my room, shutting the door to try to eliminate the noise from my home and the chatter inside my head.
I face the window, and the frame is filled with an image of Lily sitting on her bed, staring at the wall. I know she can’t see me with my light off, but I can see her clearly. She picks up the walkie-talkie three times, hesitating with each attempt before bringing it to her mouth like she’s going to say something. But she drops it again before the crackle ever comes through on my end.
She was just as affected by that kiss as I was, but we can’t do this. I refuse to risk our friendship. Lily is the only positive in my life, and I can’t lose her. I’ve watched my friends ruin friendships with girls they’ve tried to date—it never ends well. I need to end this now, fix it before we become an us.
Holding the walkie-talkie in my hand, I take a deep breath and press the button down to lie. “I’m sorry.”
She jumps at the sound of my voice and instantly jerks her head to look in my room to see if I’m watching her.
I am.
She stares into the darkness, looking to see if I’m there, so I hold the button down again, trying to assure her. “I’m here...I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry, Lily.”
I never call her by just her name. There’s always some silly nickname, but right now, nothing fits. Just her. Just Lily.
“No, Trev, I’m sorry,” she whispers.
“Please don’t let this change anything between us. I need you, Lily. I promise, I’ll never let it happen again.” My heart pounds, waiting for her to accept my apology and promise s
he’ll never leave my side.
“Uh, oh…okay. Um…”
“Goodnight, Lily.” I interrupt her when the static from the connection disappears and I can tell she’s let go of the button.
I said what I needed to say. I don’t want to make this even weirder than it is, so I turn off the walkie-talkie and close my blinds, removing the temptation to look in her direction again.
Lying in bed, I’m unable to stop the recurring thoughts of the way she felt as I absently rub my fingers along my lower lip. I know I need to put an end to this now, but I can’t deny, deep down, I never want another pair of lips to touch mine again.
Only hers.
Four
Loss, if I only knew
Loss, can I pull through?
Loss, my chest open wide
The devil reaching in to pull me aside
- Trevin Allen
Trevin – Age 15
Tonight is the night. Varsity baseball state championships. As a sophomore, I made varsity as the starting pitcher. Coach says I have a real shot at a college scholarship, which is the only chance I’ll have of getting out of here. There are no other options since my dad’s made it very clear he won’t pay for me to attend any type of college, even a community college. He’s such a prick, and I can’t wait until the day I can leave his house and be done with him forever.
Figures, with this being the biggest event of my pitching career, my dad decides to make his first appearance—ever. I’m convinced he’s just coming to throw me off my game, destroy my concentration, and justify him believing I’m the loser he always tells me I am.
