by Fields, MJ
He starts to push the sides down to let some water out so he can pull it off the porch. I grab my phone to take pictures, and of course, he looks up, giving me his crazy, one-eye-lifted rocker face and holds up devil horns with his other hand while sticking his tongue out. I shake my head, laughing at him and his crazy ways.
Once we make it into the house, he stops, taking a deep breath before walking to the couch and plopping down with his right arm and leg resting on the back.
He sighs. “It’s so good to be home.”
I throw a pillow at him. “I know you just used my birthday as an excuse to come back. You just missed that couch.”
It’s true. It has become his favorite place, and whenever he’s home, he lays right there, in that same position, either watching TV or lazily playing his guitar.
He throws the pillow back at me, sitting up to give me room to sit. “So tell me about school.”
“No, my turn first. Tell me about this new tattoo I saw.” I reach for him and pull his body closer. It covers his entire right arm, from his shoulder to right above his wrist so his bracelet still stands out on its own, but blending perfectly with his original one. The design is intricate—a snake wraps around from top to bottom and a Salvador Dali looking clock fades down an old-school looking hourglass. Directly in the middle of it all is one single lily. The snake sinks his fangs into an apple resembling the forbidden fruit.
I run my fingers over the flower before looking up at him. He’s looking right at me like he wants to say something but can’t open his mouth. We stare at each other, neither of us saying a word, before he gets up to change the subject.
“Yeah, it’s no big deal. Some guy on tour with us is a tattoo artist. He did it for me about a month ago. So what’s there to eat in this place? I’m starving.”
He walks to the fridge while I’m left contemplating the meaning of his latest ink. This is the third tattoo he’s gotten, and every one of them points to me somehow, but he’s never mentioned their meanings. I’m almost afraid to ask. I don’t mention us, or what we mean to each other. We’re in such a good place right now and my heart would break if I lost him again. Every piece of me wants him to be mine, but not at the expense of losing him altogether.
We spend the rest of the night just like we have so many times before, with him on the floor, me laying on the couch behind him and talking the night away. At two thirty in the morning, a car comes to take him back to the airport. It’s the best birthday I’ve ever had, yet it was the same night I’ve experienced hundreds of times before.
Sixteen
You may say you have a boyfriend.
But I know that won’t be the end.
Your future will forever be mine.
To get there, I’ll cross every line.
- Trevin Allen
Lily – Age 22
I’ve been seeing Nathan for a few months now after we met at a frat party that Jordan dragged me to. I felt like a fish out of water until he came over, sitting with me all night and talking about school, dance and life in general. He never once bothered me about not having a drink in my hand so I knew he was someone I could feel comfortable around and even wanted to get to know better.
Tonight’s the first time he’s coming to my place to hang out for more than just a few minutes. He hasn’t wanted to before, and I can only imagine it’s because of Trevin. I think Trevin intimidates him, even though I keep telling him he’s just a normal guy.
He doesn’t get the relationship Trevin and I have. Of course I lied about our brief past together, but he says us living together makes him uncomfortable. It’s been the only fight we’ve had, but it seems to be coming up more and more frequently, and I’m beyond annoyed by it.
Thus my reasoning for having him come here tonight. I figure if he hung out at our place more then maybe he would start to believe me. He’ll see that Trevin and I have different lives and it’s not that big of a deal we live together. Honestly, it’s my last ditch effort to see if he’s someone I still want to be with, because whoever I date has to be okay with my friendship with Trevin.
When I walk in from school, Trevin is sitting on the back porch, playing his guitar, so I head out to remind him to be on his best behavior. He seems to get enjoyment out of making Nathan uncomfortable and it has to stop.
“Okay, Trev, you’re on your best behavior tonight,” I say as I walk up beside him.
“I still don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m always nice to Dathan.”
“His name is Nathan. Come on. For me? I like this guy and he’s going to be hanging out a lot more since you’re heading out on tour. I need someone to keep me company in this big house while you’re gone.”
“Really? Like that douche, Nathan, could do anything to protect you. What kind of badass goes by Nathan? At least shorten it to Nate.”
“Trevin!” I yell, putting my hands on my hips in anger.
“Fine, I’ll be nice. I promise…” He sings promise while strumming his guitar and giving me his puppy dog eyes.
I can’t help but smirk, even though I attempt to keep my lips shut and show him I mean business.
“Come here, Lily Pad.” He tries to change the subject. “Sit right here.” He points to the front of the lounge chair he’s sitting on. “Let’s teach you how to play, finally.”
I laugh. “Are you kidding me? Don’t you remember how horrible I was?”
He smirks. “Yeah, how can I forget.” He winks. “But that was years ago. Come on, let’s try again.”
When I sit down in front of him, he reaches up, grabbing me and pulling me back to him. He wraps his legs on either side of me so I’m tucked into his chest and the guitar is sitting on my lap.
I feel the warmth of his arms as they move around my waist before placing his hands on me and showing me where to hold the guitar.
“Now bend your fingers around the neck so you can reach the sixth string just as easily as the first string.” I do as he tells me to. “Now, with your other hand, hold this pick.” He places a pick in between my fingers. When we touch, I swear a shock of electricity flies from my fingertips to my toes and I have to close my eyes and take a breath to calm everything inside me down. “Now start by just strumming down, trying to hit every string as you move down.”
“Okay, like this?” I say as I move down the strings. I feel his laugh more than I hear it. I turn to face him over my shoulder. “Stop laughing,” I say, even though I can’t keep a straight face and break out in a small giggle.
“I never thought just moving down the strings could sound bad.”
I turn to hit him with my hand that’s holding the pick, but he stops me short by grabbing it with his own. His fingers intertwine with mine, bringing them to his lips and holding them there for a brief moment in an apology.
“I’m sorry, am I interrupting something?” Nathan asks, storming out onto the back porch.
I jump, pulling my hand from Trevin and putting the guitar on the end of the lounge chair. Smiling my biggest smile for Nathan, I pretend nothing’s going on.
Because nothing was going on. Right?
I shake my head, focusing on Nathan’s anger and already feeling like this might be the end. “Hey, babe. I didn’t know you were here.” I try to fake a smile.
“Yeah, how could you hear me knock when you’re out here with him, all cuddled up?”
“Sorry, man.” Trevin gets up. Holding his guitar by the neck, he walks by us without making eye contact. Just as he passes by Nathan, he whispers, “How could I resist, though?”
Nathan’s eyes get big, and I have to admit, mine do too, but I try my hardest to hide it, blowing the entire situation off and grabbing Nathan’s hands. “Come on. Let’s make dinner. I went shopping for everything we need.”
Thankfully, Trevin grabs his keys, heading out for the night and lets Nathan and I hang out alone. After he leaves, Nathan calms down, and admittedly, so do I.
I start to open the chicken just as Nathan
slides in around me, putting his arm around my waist and kissing my cheek. He’s always so sweet in his hellos, and I love that he’s making up for his missed opportunity from outside.
Our conversation flows freely as he tells me about his day and we move in sync around the kitchen. He reaches into his bag for a bottle of wine, holding it up and saying, “I thought a nice dinner called for a nice bottle of wine.”
I let out a quick laugh before I bring it back in, seeing he’s totally serious so I turn around to hide my face and start opening up cupboards. “That’s nice of you, but I honestly don’t know if we have any wine glasses.”
“You’re not serious are you?” he chastises.
“Well, you know I’m not much of a drinker, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen Trevin with a glass of wine.” I laugh.
“Well, then I guess he doesn’t have as good of taste as I thought. Let me look.”
He looks high on the shelves from behind me and reaches in, pulling two wine glasses from the way back with a smile on his face. “Jackpot,” he says with pride.
I look at the dark red wine he’s pouring, wondering if it’s something I’ll enjoy. People talk about wine like it’s this prestigious thing and it’s not normally something college guys drink, at least I didn’t think so.
He holds up his glass, motioning for me to do the same and taps his with mine. “To us.”
I smile sweetly, clinking them together and bringing it to my mouth. I slowly let the dark liquid fill my mouth and choke as it burns and causes a strange bite low in my throat.
He laughs at my inexperience, which slightly annoys me. He knows I’m not a drinker and the frown on my face must be evident when he stops and tries to show me the ins and outs of drinking wine. I go along with it, just to appease him and try to focus on making our dinner.
Once we’ve eaten and have the kitchen all cleaned up, we head to my room to watch TV.
We’re not twenty minutes into the movie and it’s already forgotten. He moved quickly, making sure all our clothes are off instead. This isn’t the first time we’ve been together, but it’s the first time in my room, and it adds a whole new dimension—a completely different element.
This is technically Trevin’s home, and that thought makes me almost feel guilty for being intimate with my boyfriend here. It’s silly, but I can’t shake the notion.
I need to push Trevin out of my mind and focus on Nathan. But every thought I have turns from Nathan to Trevin. As I consciously breathe in, I think of Nathan’s eyes and his soft lips, but my mind drifts off to Trevin’s, and the mental comparison of the two smacks me upside the head. Refocusing, I reach down, wrapping my hand around his dick and note it’s not as big as Trevin’s from what I remember.
No matter what I do, every thought comes back to my best friend.
I shake my head to clear my mind, not thinking that my lips were linked to his.
“What? I’m sorry,” Nathan states, pulling away from me.
“Huh? Why are you sorry?” I reach up for him.
“Because you were just shaking your head like you were saying no.”
“What? No, nothing like that. Come here.” I place my hands on either side of his face, pulling him down to me.
He reaches over to grab a condom from his wallet just as my door swings open.
“Honey, I’m home! Can I cuddle in here tonight?” Trevin says as he steps into the room.
We both jump to cover ourselves. “Trevin, what the hell?” I yell, grabbing the comforter.
“Fuck, he’s still here?” Trevin says with overly animated disappointment.
“Yes, he’s still here. How could you have missed his car in the driveway?” I’m irritated. “Why did you just barge in here without knocking?”
“Yeah, man, can you please give us some privacy here?” Nathan says as he makes sure I’m fully covered.
“No worries, I’ve seen it all before,” Trevin admits, not making any move to leave.
“Trevin, get out!” I yell.
“Whatever,” he says as he turns to leave. “I’ll be out here when he leaves. Come hang out, okay, Lilies?”
He shuts the door and Nathan looks at me, clearly pissed off about the entire situation. “What does he mean he’s seen it all before?”
“Don’t worry about him. Here…where were we.” I reach for him, hoping we can continue what we started just so I don’t have to explain, but he pulls back farther.
“Have you slept with him?”
I look down, not wanting to answer because I’m not willing to lie, and he won’t like the truth.
“I’m sorry, Lily, but I can’t do this. I told you I didn’t like your relationship as it was, but knowing you guys have slept together is too much. I’m out.”
He gets up, putting his clothes back on as I reach for my robe. I’m not sure what I can say or even if I want to make the situation better, so I just sit quietly. Really, I’m done having the same fight. I’m not ending my friendship with Trevin, so I guess it’s best that Nathan leaves.
He stops at the door before opening it. “Wish this could have been different, Lily.”
“Me too,” I say, not trying to stop him.
He opens the door, only to see Trevin standing right outside with a smirk he’s trying to hide.
“Aw, are you leaving so soon?” Trevin taunts.
“Fuck off,” Nathan surprises me by saying and walks past him and out of our house.
Trevin comes in and jumps on my bed so he’s sitting beside me. “Sorry, was that because of me?” he says with his puppy dog look again, I seem to be getting that a lot today.
I grab my pillow, throwing it at his face. “Yes, that was because of you. You knew exactly what you were doing. Don’t deny it!”
“Me?” he questions, bringing his hands up to his chest acting surprised.
“Trevin! That was messed up, even for you. Why did you barge in here?”
“Come on, you can’t actually be into that guy?”
“Well, I was,” I try to say in a demanding tone but fail and look down, playing with the strings of my robe. I don’t even believe what's coming out of my own mouth. Why is finding a true boyfriend so hard for me? I shake my head and stand up, turning my back to him and walking to my dresser to pull out a pair of underwear from my drawer with that thought fueling my anger again.
“Are you seriously upset with me?”
“Yes, Trevin, I am,” I say, thrusting my body back to face him and slapping the pair of panties down on my leg in frustration.
“Over that guy? Come on, you weren’t that into him. I could even tell that.”
“That’s not the point, Trevin, it’s just the fact that I want someone. You get to go off and do whatever you want”—I put my panties on and pull them up under my robe as I go off on my rant—“with whoever you want and I try to date a sweet honest guy and you step in, trying to ruin it.” I walk past him to my closet.
“Okay, I’m sorry. But that guy’s a douche. You can do better.”
“How would you know? You never even got to know him,” I bite back while I pull on a pair of jeans.
“I just know you, and I could tell. Call it man instinct. That guy wasn’t the one for you.”
“Ugh!” I drop my robe so my bare back is to him as I slip on my bra. “Trevin, you are so frustrating. I want a boyfriend. I want that someone in my life. You’re leaving again on tour and I’m all alone in this house.”
He’s quiet, so after I slip my shirt over my head I turn to him, standing like I’m ready for more of a battle. But the look on his face pulls on my heart strings, and when his shoulders slump slightly forward, I take a deep breath and sit next to him.
“Can you just for once let me decide if they’re good for me or not? At this rate, I’ll be the lonely cat woman who tells everyone how she once was best friends with a major rock star, but no one will believe me because I’m batshit crazy from being alone all the time.” I laugh at my own joke.
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br /> “Come on, Lily Pad, you know it won’t be like that. You’ll create a new kind of crazy old lady with all the ponds you take care of.” He jokes, hitting my shoulder.
I laugh, grabbing the pillow next to me and hitting him with it before he easily rips it out of my hands.
“Seriously though, I’m sorry. I’ll try to stay out of your life, at least a little bit more.” He winks. “I promise. Now come on.” He puts the pillow down beside him and starts to get up. “Let’s go get some ice cream, just like old times…” He wiggles his eyebrows, never letting go of the sexual innuendo. I roll my eyes thinking about my mom every time it comes up.
I go to throw the pillow at him again and he stops me.
“I was trying to get ice cream and you interrupted,” I respond, shaking my head at him with my eyes wide open, trying to prove my point.
“That’s because you only get ice cream with me,” he states with a smirk on his face and a wink to his eye.
He reaches his hand out to help me up and I take it. I should be mad at him, but I guess I know deep down Nathan wasn’t the one. Trevin probably just saved me from wasting a lot of time, but a sadness I can’t seem to shake still rattles around inside me.
Shaking off the feeling, we head out of my room, going to get ice cream for real this time.
We pull up to Baskin Robbins in his Camaro, and instantly, people look our direction, but not because of who he is, rather because of his car. He’s so proud of it and loves the low rumble it makes when it’s idling.
The smaller beach community we live in doesn’t pay much attention to who Trevin is, so once we step out of the car, all eyes go back to their business as we walk into the building, and we’re hit instantly with the strong smell of sugar overload.
He orders his favorite—cookies and cream in a sugar cone—but not me. I’m a fan of the plain cone. There’s nothing like that last bite that finishes the experience with the perfect mixture of cone and ice cream that leaves a smile on my face.
