“She has the power of four Colors, Neela. We would both be wise to be frightened of her. And she’s betrothed to Xiao – can you imagine their children? It’s almost as if someone was trying to combine all the colors.” Bai looked at his hands trying to hide his thoughts.
But Neela’s tears calmed, and after a few sniffs, she said, “You’re lying to me with the truth. You don’t think Jin is dangerous.” She snorted suddenly, darkly amused. “You are infatuated with her.” She hit him repeatedly. “You dirty lecher! She isn’t Noran come to life!”
Bai held up his arms to block Neela’s blows and let her rant.
His forearms were stinging when she finally stopped hitting him.
She panted for a few moments before saying, “As long as you keep her safe, and your breeches tied, I will accept your infatuation.”
Bai shook his head. “Am I that much worse than Aka?”
Neela burst out laughing. “You think I wanted Aka for my daughter? It’s never been more obvious to me that you never had a child.”
Bai blinked, then grinned. “I suppose she didn’t give you any say in the matter.”
Neela snorted. “You’re still such a know-it-all.”
“Yes,” he agreed. The tension had been cut, and Bai almost felt like he was with his almost-friend from years ago. So he dared, “Why do you think you have a say with Jin?”
Neela shook her head. “Grandparents are respected while parents are rebelled against. And Jin was never wild the way Aashchary was.”
Neela was rubbing her hands. Bai hoped she didn’t hurt herself when she was hitting him. “The last time we spoke, after Aka sealed the Golden Phoenix in the Underworld, I thought you might kill him yourself,” she mused. “Surely you don’t intend to aid Jin in this fool’s quest to cure him?”
Bai was very quiet. “I haven’t decided anything. I’ve been detached from the world for so long that it’s going to take me awhile to make up my mind.”
Neela walked closer to the canopy and peered under it. So softly that Bai wasn’t sure if he was supposed to hear, she said, “I wish she wouldn’t do this – not just because it is clearly dangerous for her, but because... Aka doesn’t deserve her aid.”
Bai shrugged. “You can tell her that when she wakes. Perhaps she’ll listen to you.” Bai didn’t believe for a moment that Jin would change her mind about her quest, grandmother or no grandmother.
Neela gave him a wry look, and he knew she’d heard his thought.
“Neela – who do you think poisoned her?”
“Someone who doesn’t want Aka cured. She doesn’t have any enemies of her own.”
Bai clenched his teeth. He tried again. “It has to be someone who could find her.” He hesitated. “I didn’t think Gang would do something like this, but then again, I never expected his betrayal with the Phoenix.”
“Gang loves her. Jin’s all he has of her mother.”
Bai frowned. “I hope he also loves her for her own sake.”
“Mmm,” said Neela, still focused on Jin.
Bai admitted there was no point in picking her brain any further. “I’ll go ashore for a while, so you can have your privacy. I’ll return in a few hours.” He moved between.
IT was dark when Jin opened her eyes, and she was disoriented by a gentle rocking. The songs of frogs looking for mates was the first thing she recognized. Then she recalled the boat Bai had made and the poisoning. She sat up slowly, sending her awareness through her body. She seemed fully recovered from whatever it had been. A deep blue light flared up around her.
Jin warded off the sudden brightness with her hand. She blinked twice to adjust her eyes, then smiled. “NeeNee! You came. Thank you.” Jin shuffled on her knees to her grandmother, who sat cross-legged under the arched canopy.
Neela allowed Jin to hug her, but she did not return it and her face was set in a sulk. “Why are you angry with me?” Jin asked, well accustomed to Neela’s moods.
“What if I hadn’t come? You might have died. Shouldn’t I be angry?”
Jin knelt, taking her grandmother’s hand. “You are worried.”
“Of course, I am worried, you fool girl! You are on a quest to enter the Underworld! And if that weren’t dangerous enough, you are making enemies to do so.”
Jin studied Neela’s face in the eerie blue light. Her nostrils were flared, her expression all sharp planes and angles, as if her skin had been pulled taut. Her eyes were narrow and unfathomable. Jin was not prepared for this level of anger, “Enemies? You mean whoever cursed my father?”
Neela tsked in exasperation. “Not just who cursed him! Don’t you know how many people he has offended over the millennia? How many are pleased by his collapse?”
“No, I don’t,” Jin replied calmly. “Was it one of them who killed my mother’s son?”
Neela pulled back sharply. Then she relaxed slightly and asked succinctly, “Which son?”
Jin was confused. “Hadn’t she only one?”
“Mind Brighter than Sunlight, and your unborn brother, who had yet to be named.”
Jin digested that. “You are saying both my brother and my mother were murdered?”
“Yes, and Aka is to blame!”
Jin jerked back, frightened by the true belief that strengthened Neela’s words. “Why have you never told me about this before?”
“I was trying to protect you! But you’ve put yourself in danger anyway!”
Jin clenched her jaw – Neela’s logic was exasperating. But she didn’t want to delve into a fruitless argument of should-haves. “Why do you blame Papa? Because he failed to protect them?”
“He wanted your brother dead! Aashchary rubbed it in his face that her son was more powerful than him!”
Jin stared at her grandmother, feeling as though a stranger was before her. She had never seen her grandmother so angry – indeed, Neela had eschewed deep emotion for as long as Jin could remember. Sometimes, when Jin had been seeking praise or love as a child, Neela’s casual, negligent affection had almost hurt. That she had so much anger, such belief of betrayal, coiled in her...
“Are you saying Papa killed my brother? My mother?”
Neela’s lips twisted. “Yes, he did! So why would you save him?”
“NeeNee, you just lied.”
“He might not have been the main agent of their deaths, but he was complicit! Your brother’s death was blamed on a sickness – the most powerful god of all time, struck down by illness? I don’t think so! Karana spelled him. I am sure of it! But Aka protected his son – his lackey!”
Neela believed what she was saying. Jin felt sick. Could this really be true? Or did everything she said have to be discounted because it came from a place of such rage and pain that no rational thought was left?
“And my mother?”
Neela hunched abruptly, as if her strength had been exhausted. “Your mother was slain by one of Aka’s courtesans. The woman claimed that she had to kill Aashchary so that Aka would be free to marry her. He executed her immediately, making it impossible for anyone else to question her.”
Jin crossed her arms tightly over her body.
“You really do believe that he had her killed.”
Neela nodded. “So why would you save him, Jin?”
Jin stared at the planks of the boat. “He’s my father. He loves me. I will not allow him to be killed like this, not without hearing his side.”
“He’s not your father.”
“What? What did you say?”
“Aka is not your father! After her son was murdered, Gang comforted Aashchary.”
Jin clapped her hands over her ears. “Stop!”
Neela seized Jin’s wrists in a bruising grip and pulled her hands from her ears. “They became friends and then lovers. Only Aka knew, and he chose to allow it.”
Jin tried not to listen, but Neela’s words would not be denied. “When Aashchary became pregnant a second time, she and
Gang decided to take you and leave the Sun Court for good. That’s why Aka had her murdered – he ignored their love out of guilt, but he was too embarrassed to let anyone else find out about it.”
Jin shook her head.
“You know I’m telling you the truth!”
“I’m continuing my quest.”
“It’s too dangerous!”
“Bai will help me.”
“Don’t you understand he’s only interested in you because of Gang’s mother? You look like her! He’s been obsessed with her longer than you’ve been alive! Why would you trust him?”
Jin felt tears run down her cheeks. Neela nodded, and began to move between, pulling Jin along with her.
“No!” Jin barked, stopping the teleportation. Neela frowned and pushed harder. Jin pushed back.
“I’m your grandmother! I raised you!”
Jin refused to feel guilty. She was an adult. She would not just let her father die. But it frightened her how easily she was able to match Neela’s strength. Never before had she thought she might be stronger than her grandmother.
But Neela fought on, straining desperately. She doesn’t realize how much stronger I am than her. Jin pulled her hand away and stopped holding Neela back. Immediately, Neela moved between. Jin flooded the area around her with power, blocking Neela from coming back. It felt cowardly, and yet, Jin felt sure what they both needed was a little time. Neela to calm down, Jin to consider her claims. Her eyes watered suddenly, and Jin dashed at them with the back of her hand.
She investigated the boat, but it was empty, even though it still moved down the Kuanbai through Bai’s magic. Jin sat in the prow, wrapping her arms around herself. She didn’t believe that Bai had abandoned her. She had felt how deeply he cared about her as he carried her through the town.
He probably just left to give Neela privacy.
Jin dropped her head to her knees and cried.
WHEN Bai returned to the stern of the boat, he was immediately disconcerted by the silence. He peered under the canopy. Neela was nowhere in sight, but Jin was seated in the prow, her chin resting on her knees. As if sensing the weight of his gaze, she glanced back, and their eyes met.
Bai slid a strap off each shoulder, setting the earthenware jars and woven bamboo baskets beneath the boat’s canopy, then made his way to her side. They sat without speaking for some time, making the bird calls along the river seem unnaturally loud. When Jin finally spoke, it was not a question he’d anticipated.
“You didn’t make a boat when we left Bailaohu Village. Why wait?”
Bai hesitated. “This is your quest, not mine. I’m just along for protection.”
“Kunjee wasn’t at risk when you made this boat.”
Bai bit his lower lip. “No.”
“So it’s me you are trying to protect.”
He nodded reluctantly.
“Why? Because of Noran? Because you loved her, and she died?”
Bai stiffened. So, his caution earlier had been pointless. “I was infatuated with her.”
“Nanami said you slaughtered a million bandits because of her death. That she was the reason you became the Warrior.”
“Nanami seems to have said a lot,” Bai said dryly. Then, “They weren’t all bandits. By the time I stopped fighting, my motivation had been confused or twisted. Even now, sometimes I don’t fully understand it myself. But I was angry and in pain... and Noran had named her son the God of War. I suppose I made myself useful to him. I think... I think I was pretending to be his father, something he neither needed nor wanted. We were friends though – still are, I hope, though it has been a long time.”
“So that’s why you are protecting me – just as you trained Noran’s son, you want to train me.” Jin’s lips pressed together firmly. “I don’t want it. Teach me for myself or not at all.”
Bai hesitated. It would perhaps be wiser to let Jin think his only interest was in a long-gone relative. But if that meant she scorned him...
“I had no idea you were related to her when...”
“When?” she prompted.
“When you burst into my life. When you shook my complacency. When you made me want to live again.”
“What do you mean?” There was the slightest tremor in her voice. Her lips remained slightly parted. Bai wanted to pull her into his arms to reassure her, to confess his feelings, his hopes for the future. But what were his feelings? And what were his hopes?
He spoke carefully, keeping his hands by his side – his arms seemed awkwardly rigid. “It’s difficult for me to articulate. Do you remember what I said about beauty?”
She thought for a moment. “‘Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.’ But I disagreed.”
“No – you said you are the arbiter of beauty.”
“How can both be true?”
“You don’t make something objectively more or less beautiful – you change the way it is perceived. You influence others. If you weren’t limited by your divinity, you would have far more power to change perceptions than you do.” Bai looked down at his lap. “Nonetheless, you affect others quite frequently without even realizing it. When we first met, I saw–” he shifted, too embarrassed to describe his first impression of her. “Well, how did you want me to see you?”
There was a silence, followed by a sharp gasp. Bai risked a look at her face – she had covered it with her hands.
He cleared his throat. “I realized fairly quickly that the way I was responding to you was due to your influence but–” he coughed. “Well, when I realized that, I was intrigued by your power. Then, I saw how you presented yourself to others, and I felt honored that you wanted me to see you... differently.”
She lowered her hands just enough to peer at him through her fingers. Bai wasn’t sure what she saw, but after a few minutes, she lowered her hands.
“Why? I know – Nanami said...”
Bai arched a brow.
Jin frowned at him, then continued. “Nanami told me that you’ve always had plenty of admirers. Why should my... crush affect you any more than theirs?”
Bai shrugged. “Perhaps something must be said for being the most desirable being I have ever seen.”
Jin’s eyes widened, then she flushed. Her eyes darted away, but she brought them swiftly back. She drew herself up.
“I am betrothed. I have made a vow to marry Xiao in one year.”
Bai felt his lips twist into a self-deprecating smile. “I know. I also know that you want him to see you as sexless – beautiful but aloof and cold. Frozen water, I think it was?”
Jin stared at him. “Oh, fate judge me. I am a bad person.”
Bai half-reached to her before he stopped himself. “No – why do you say that?”
Jin twisted her fingers together. “You aren’t, perhaps, the person I should confess this to, and yet, I want so badly to confide and... you see so much.” She cleared her throat. “Perhaps a thousand years ago, when Xiao and I became adults, he tried to kiss me. I was...upset. I wanted very badly for him not to see me that way – and then he didn’t. But I didn’t realize – I had no idea that it was because of something I had done. I have been cursing our betrothal because I thought our marriage was doomed because he seemed to view me – almost as a child, I suppose. And now, to realize I am the one sabotaging it–”
“But that hardly makes you bad – you weren’t even aware–”
“No!” She held up a hand, stilling his words. “I am bad because now that I know I am sabotaging it, I don’t want to stop. I want...” Her voice trailed off, but the look of longing on her face completed her sentiment.
Bai didn’t know how to respond. He wanted that too – and yet, her power, her very life was on the line. To imagine this being, this fascinating woman, limited by mere mortal years made his heart hurt.
“Why?” he asked. “Why didn’t you want Xiao to desire you? Was it just that you were young? Inexperienced?”
TH
IS conversation was running away from Jin – no, it had been a runaway horse to begin with, but she had grabbed the reins anyway.
If she answered Bai’s question, was that a betrayal of Xiao? But hadn’t she already betrayed Xiao, with her earlier confession? What was one more secret of her heart?
“It was not inexperience.” She cleared her throat. “Xiao once told me that his favorite thing about love is that it brings out the best in people. It makes them stronger, kinder, more thoughtful... What I did not tell him is that that is only when the love is good and healthy. I have seen love bring out jealousy, spite, pain, and make people petty and weak. Xiao is my friend, but there are parts of him I do not like. If he was my partner... my other half, I would hate those things. That would hurt him, and he would become worse, creating a downward spiral for both of us. I did not – I do not want that.” Jin wasn’t sure she had managed to capture her thoughts – nothing was wrong with Xiao except that he was wrong for her.
“Then why did you go through with the betrothal?” Bai’s question was almost a whisper, but Jin flinched from it. She could hear the sorrow, the disappointment he was trying to hide.
“I didn’t know you existed,” she said. That he existed – what a silly way to say that she had given up on finding someone that she wanted a true partnership with, that she had settled for pleasing her family and looking for romance outside of her marriage. And how cowardly it seemed now, when she felt what she might have had!
But Bai didn’t seem confused or upset by her words. After a long pause, he reached out and grasped her hand. Their fingers interlaced. Jin fancied she could feel the beat of his heart through their palms.
“Bai,” she began, then cleared her throat to dispel the tremor in her voice. “Bai, I do not know what future I can offer you. If I marry Xiao, you will be pushed to the side. If I don’t... I’ll have only a handful of years left.”
He smiled, and for the first time that day, it was a true smile. Its sweetness made Jin want to weep. “For now, it’s enough that you even want to offer it.”
Vows of Gold and Laughter (The Immortal Beings Book 1) Page 21
