by Tania Sparks
I tilt my head up to him and with a cheeky grin I snicker, “It’s not my first walk of shame Ash.”
Ash suddenly stops walking and spins me around to face him. His face morphs into a strange expression. In a fretful voice he asks, “How many walks of shame have you had Angel?”
It’s a bit ironic that he’s asking me this. I’m absolutely positive it’s not a first for him! “More than one, less than a hundred.” I giggle.
Ash glares at me. “Mmm Angel, I’m starting to think you might be more of a bad girl than I thought. We might have to have the whole ‘what’s your number’ conversation later tonight!”
“Ash, there’s no way in hell we’re having a conversation about how many people we’ve slept with!” I shriek. That is definitely not a discussion I want to have! All those years ago, once I had come to the conclusion that I needed to get over Ash by seeing other people, I wasn’t exactly prudish in my road to recovery! Not only that but I definitely don’t want to know Ash’s number, that would totally freak me out!
“We’ll see about that.” he mumbles sulkily and drags me back to where the rest of the band are gathered. The guys are going through their normal pre-concert ritual with some celebratory shots. Ash’s mood improves quickly as we all drink and toast to a great show. Hopefully Ash has all but forgotten the ‘what’s your number’ conversation and it will never be spoken of again!
Pete comes into the room to escort the guys to the stage. Lizzie and I are led to the backstage area from where we’ll be watching the show.
The lights go off and the crowd starts to stir. Lizzie and I are anxiously waiting for Oblivion to take the stage when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around to see Beth standing there looking smug and all-entitled. She scowls at me and drones, “Make the most of it sweetie, Ash won’t keep you around for long. He always comes back to me, so don’t get too comfortable.” This crazy lady is getting on my nerves, I’m just about to blast her and give her another piece of my mind when I see Pete stride up behind her and growl, “Beth, I told you to stay away from Eve, get lost.”
Beth scowls, “Are you her fucking body guard too now!” She scowls as she stomps off.
“Sorry ‘bout that Eve.” Pete apologises.
“No problem Pete, but I could have handled her. You don’t need to protect me.” I laugh.
“Yeah, yeah, I know Eve. The guys told me you put her in her place earlier, but Ash told me to keep her away from you, so that’s what I’m doing.”
I shake my head in disbelief and I chuckle to myself. Ash really is being very protective of me.
The crowd are still rumbling and are excited for the show to start. Suddenly an eruption of guitars and drums explodes on the stage as the guys burst into their first song. The beat is heavy and the vibrations from the music pulse through my body. Oblivion are fantastic and Lizzie and I dance and jump around enthusiastically throughout the show. All too quickly the show comes to an end. The guys do a quick meet and greet with some fans then we all head back to the hotel. It’s been a long day and the guys have an early morning radio interview, so there is no after party arranged for tonight. Instead we all sit around relaxing in the hotel suite having a few drinks. After an hour or two we all head to our rooms. I keep my fingers crossed that Ash forgets all about the whole ‘what’s your number’ conversation.
Chapter 16
Ash and I both grab a quick shower and hop into bed exhausted. We snuggle up facing each other, me nestled into Ash’s shoulder. I hear Ash quietly mumble, “So Angel, we going to have this conversation?”
“No.” I mumble grumpily. Damn!, I was hoping he’d forget about it!
“Come on Angel, we have to talk about this some time, it may as well be now.”
I grunt and turn over so my back is facing him. Ash chuckles and tickles my ribs lightly, “Okay Angel, spit it out, what’s your number?”
I flip back around to face him, but figure that maybe avoidance is a good option. “You know my cell number Ash, you’ve called it a number of times.” I say completely straight-faced.
Ash scowls at me playfully, “You know what I mean Angel, how many?”
“Ash, do we have to do this?, I think it’s a really bad idea.”
“It’s important Angel, I need to know….” He raises his eyebrows and looks at me hopefully.
I groan and consider how to answer. “Ash, let me tell you this first. It took me a long time to try to get over you. I didn’t even look at anyone else for a couple of years…”
He looks slightly surprised. “Shit Angel, a couple of years is a really long time…”
“Yeah, well…I really only wanted you….”
Ash whispers, “How many Angel?” After more silence he continues, “Let me help you here, I’ll take a guess…there’s obviously me,” he says with a big grin, “and been as you were with that dickhead Richard for eight months, I’m pretty sure you two did the nasty…so is your number two?” He grins at me cheekily.
I scoff and shake my head, “No my number’s not two Ash!, it was seven years. I didn’t become a blinkin’ nun!” I laugh.
Ash smiles at me, “Well, a guy can hope Angel…come on tell me how many.” he urges.
I sigh and realise that I’m not going to get out of this. “Okay Ash, I’ll tell you, but you have to promise me that you won’t think any less of me.”
“I would never think less of you Angel, for Christ’s sake I haven’t exactly been celibate. But I do need to know how many.”
“Okay Ash, I’ll tell you, but I’m going to have to give you a bit of background first…”
“Okay Angel, but you’re sort of freaking me out here…” he says worriedly.
“Okay…so…as I said…it took me a couple of years to even look at another guy. It was a few months into my last year of college and one day I was browsing the gossip columns on my laptop. I saw a photo of you with some glamorous model on your arm at an awards ceremony. I totally flipped out and the realisation hit me that I was never going to be with you again. I recognised that I would have to try to move on and I would have to force myself to start seeing other guys, otherwise I was going to end up as some bitter spinster reminiscing about the old days while I kept my cats company! The problem was that I wasn’t really interested in a relationship and in all honesty I didn’t even know where to start. Trixie was really into the club scene and had been trying to drag me with her for months, so she convinced me to tag along with her. We hit it pretty hard and soon we were going out two or three times a week. She was happy to see me finally attempting to have a social life. But to me it still felt very empty and hollow. I still remember the first time I hooked up with a guy. We went back to his place and had sex. As soon as he fell asleep I sneaked out, went home and cried my eyes out for hours. He was only the second person I had ever slept with and I didn’t even remember his name.”
Ash holds me tight, apology and sadness written all over his face. “Angel, I had no idea, I didn’t realise that our break-up had affected you so badly.”
“How could it not Ash? I was devastated and time wasn’t making it any easier. I really struggled, but over the following months I numbed myself to the heartache I was feeling by hooking up with a different guy each time we went out.” I cringe in shame and look at Ash through squinted eyes, avoiding his gaze in embarassment.
Ash continues to look at me with sympathy, “How many Angel?” he whispers.
“Honestly Ash, I don’t even know an exact number, but there were quite a few. Me and Trix carried on like that for the rest of college and for a few more years once we started working. It wasn’t until we moved to LA a couple of years back that I decided I needed not only a change of city but a change in lifestyle too. So I toned down my, umm…sluttiness? Me and Trix still went out heaps and we still flirted and had fun with guys, but more often than not, I said goodbye to them at the end of the night and I didn’t sleep around as much. Don’t get me wrong, I still had my fair share of ‘slee
p overs’, but it wasn’t nearly as often. I even started to spend a bit more time with the guys I met rather than just the one night. I had a couple of mini-relationships, just a couple of weeks or so here and there. But nothing serious, not until I met Richard, and as you know we were together for eight months.”
Throughout my whole ‘confession’ Ash has remained silent, listening and taking it all in. “So you really don’t know your number Angel?” he questions sadly.
“No I don’t Ash, but it would have to be at least high hundreds.” I wince at my mental calculation, “Shit, that sounds really bad doesn’t it Ash?”
“It just sounds really sad Angel. I’m sorry I made you so unhappy.”
“Ash, it wasn’t your fault, I just didn’t handle it the best way I could have.”
We lie in silence for a few minutes. “So what’s your number Ash?” I ask quietly, not really knowing whether I actually want to know his answer or not.
“I don’t know an exact number either Angel. But I can guarantee it’s not as many as you’re thinking.” he says smiling shyly and shrugging his shoulders.
“Mmm, I’m thinking a hell of a lot Ash. Put it this way, we were apart for seven years, that’s almost two and a half thousand days, and from what I’ve picked up, you always seemed to have someone on your arm.”
“Angel, I may have always had someone on my arm, but that doesn’t mean I fucked them all!”
I look at him doubtfully shaking my head, “Ash, come on, I’m not stupid, you’re a god-damned rock star, I know there would have been a lot ….”
“Angel, I may have had girls fawning all over me…” He looks at me guiltily, “…but I didn’t sleep with all of them. Besides, most the time it’s just the tabloids making stuff up, the majority of the pictures you see in magazines are just me having my photo taken with a fan. Ask the guys, they’ve always given me a hard time for not taking up all the offers of easy pussy. ”
“Why would you not have sex with all those girls Ash? I see them throwing themselves at you all the time. You only need to dazzle them with your smile and they drop their panties!”
Ash doesn’t answer for a long time while he considers his answer, “It’s simple Angel, they weren’t you. I know you find it hard to believe, but I struggled getting over you just as much as you struggled to get over me. Now don’t get me wrong I’ve slept with plenty of girls, but my number’s probably similar to yours. Nowhere near the figure you’re thinking, and definitely not in the thousands.”
There’s a long pause then Ash continues, “But Angel, it was always just fucking. You’re the only one I’ve ever made love to. It’s so much different with you, it means so much more. I’ve never had any serious connections with anyone except you.”
I lie there pondering this for a few minutes. “What about Beth Ash? You and her obviously have a history.”
Ash sighs heavily and looks at me apologetically, “Angel, this is going to make me sound like a complete and utter prick.” He pauses dramatically, biting his lip he continues, “As you know, her dad owns the management company that signed us six years ago and she’s always got-off on hanging around the band. She’s the queen of groupies. She’s had a fixation on me from day one. I guess I should have put a stop to it years ago, but hell but I didn’t give a shit about her feelings. She was always hanging around and sometimes it was just easier to fuck her than to pick up some random groupie that I’d have to get rid of afterwards. She means absolutely nothing to me, in fact she’s slept with all the guys as well as most of the bands we’ve toured with. We all just see her as being an easy fuck. Nobody even likes her. She’s a total bitch and has the personality of a fucking rodent.” Ash squeezes my hand, “See Angel, I told you it would make me sound like a prick!”
“No Ash, I don’t think that of you. We’ve both done things over the past seven years that we’re not proud of. We’ve both done what we had to do to try to cope with being apart. But we’ve found each other again now. Our histories aren’t important. Us being together is what’s important.”
Ash looks at me adoringly, “I’m so glad we found each other again Angel. I know we haven’t been back together for long, it’s been less than a week, but this feels right, it feels like it’s been a really long wait to get back to you. Will you forgive me for the past seven years Angel?” he begs.
“Oh Ash, it’s me that should be asking for forgiveness. I should have fought harder. I should have tried more to keep you in my life. What I should have done is quit college and come with you.”
Ash frowns at me, “No Angel, I could never live with myself knowing that you quit college for me. Look at how successful you are, you have an amazing career. There’s no way you should have given all that up for me. I’m just some random musician. You did the right thing staying in college and not following me. Hell, I didn’t even know whether I’d be successful. I could still be playing in crap pubs and bars, making no money and living in my car. You always deserved so much better than that!”
I shake my head and reply with a warm smile, “Ash, you’ve never been just some random musician. I always knew you would be a massive success. That night at the party when the two guys from Oblivion came and asked you to audition for them, I knew then that you were destined for great things. Even back then I was scared that I would lose you to your music. Now look at you, you’re extremely successful, you’re living your dream Ash!”
“Angel, it’s only now that I’m living my dream. Having you here with me, that’s my dream. I love the music business, I love the writing, the touring, the recording and I get the biggest fucking buzz out of performing live. But it’s all felt meaningless without having you to share it with. You can’t imagine the number of times I’ve wanted to talk to you about something that’s happened, whether it was a great show or a new record deal, I’ve always dreamt about having you here with me. Now with you here, now everything feels right, now I feel like I’m living the dream.”
“Oh Ash, I feel the same way, this feels so right. I’m so happy here with you.” I snuggle up to him and we hold each other tightly.
After a couple of minutes of snuggling Ash whispers, “Let’s get to sleep Angel, the tour bus arrives really early in the morning, we have to head out by seven so we can be in North Carolina by four for sound check. Night Angel.”
“Night Ash.” I whisper, feeling more happy and content than I have for years. Ash was right, we really did need to have this conversation.
~~~
The next morning we wake up before dawn. We get ready and meet the rest of the guys and Lizzie down in the hotel lobby. The crew got up in the early hours of the morning and left on a different bus so they could set up tonight’s venue before the band get there. Beth is following later in her rental car. Apparently she ‘doesn’t do mornings’ and is having a lie in. then she plans on calling into some shops on the way. She told the guys which hotel to check into and said she’d meet us all at the venue prior to the concert.
A flashy looking tour bus pulls up and we all climb up the stairs. Ash places his hand on the small of my back as he guides me up and into the bus. I scan my eyes around the interior as I take in the luxuriousness of the cabin. It’s pretty impressive! Just behind the driver’s seat there’s a small cream marble kitchenette with oak cabinets and behind that there’s a small dining area with cream leather bench seats situated around a small table. There’s also some recliner-style cream leather chairs and a matching couch. We walk through to the back and pass a nice but compact bathroom and a set of six bunks. In the very back of the bus there’s a tiny bedroom that barely fits the small double bed.
From behind us I hear Scott rumble, “Hey Ash, don’t think you’re fucking hogging the bedroom the whole time, we take turns. I have my girl here too you know!”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.” Ash snickers as he throws our bags onto the middle of the double bed. Each of the guys throws their stuff onto a bunk and we all make our way back out to the fro
nt and settle in the sitting area.
“Gosh Ash, this is nicer than I thought it would be!” I exclaim.
“Yeah, this is pretty cool, but our tour buses haven’t always been this nice Angel. Hell you should have seen our first tour bus, hey guys?” All the guys agree with a laugh and Ash continues, “It was an old school bus, it hadn’t even been converted, it still had all the old seats. We didn’t stay in hotels so we either slept leaning against the windows or we lay down on the grubby floor using dirty clothes as pillows, it was bloody disgusting.”
Dave, the driver jumps into the driver’s seat and starts the engine. The bus smoothly starts moving and we head out of town along the highway on my first rock tour adventure.
Chapter 17
The drive is long and tedious and we’re only a couple of hours in! After too many hours of doing absolutely nothing I get up to stretch my legs and have a walk around the bus. We have another five hours to go and it’s so damn boring I’m going to lose my mind! I’m not used to sitting around doing zip. I have to find something to keep me occupied. I wonder on over to the kitchenette and have a nosy around. There’s not much there, but I notice that there is a small oven, a cooktop, a microwave and a small fridge. I go and grab my Kindle then settle down on one of the recliner chairs to catch up on my reading. Lizzie settles into one of the recliner chairs too and watches a movie on her portable DVD player. The guys are all talking shop, writing lyrics, strumming guitars and singing parts of songs. It’s fascinating to listen to the creative process and I find it difficult to concentrate properly on my reading. After another couple of hours we pull into a truck stop on the outskirts of a small town to grab an early lunch. The car park has a couple of long-haul trucks as well as quite a few pick-ups and a number of old cars.
We walk inside forming a convoy of black, leather and denim. Considering I thought we were in the middle of nowhere, it’s a reasonably busy place. It’s well-used and looks a little run down, but it’s clean and tidy and the smell of food and coffee is making my tummy rumble. It seems to be a popular hangout for the locals with groups of college-aged kids sitting around in small groups eating and socialising. As we walk in all eyes turn to us. The contrasts in appearance between my rocker companions with their black clothing, spiky hair and artistic accessories and the preppy-looking sports jocks and pastel cardigan-wearing cheer-leader-type girls is startling.
