Thank God for waterproof mascara.
Ellen is at the party when I come out of the house, and she doesn’t have to give me a second look. She just gives me a hug and leads me over to the dessert table. I laugh, but I don’t refuse the honey-drenched dough she shoves in my face.
“Want to talk about it?” she asks.
“Not really. Not right now.”
“Fair enough.”
I love that she knows not to push. We’ve known each other long enough that we both know when something’s not going to happen. I sigh, this really is delicious. I shouldn’t be eating my feelings, but fuck it. I grab another one of the treats.
There’s a commotion near the house, and Ellen and I turn to look. There are some raised voices, including my mothers. Suddenly I hear a shout. “Audrey!”
It’s not my mother’s voice, it’s Christian’s. He pushes his way through the crowd and is coming straight for me. I feel frozen to the spot, and I’m not sure what to do. How did he get here? How did he even know I was here? I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Suddenly, Ellen pats me on the arm. “Audrey, I think you should hear him out.”
I whirl to face her. “This was you?”
She nod., “Yeah, and you have every right to be pissed at me. I’m ready to take that from you. But you should hear him out.”
There’s not time to respond to her because suddenly Christian is in front of me. “Where the hell have you been?” he asks. “You don’t answer my calls or texts for days and then you do just to tell me to fuck off?”
His voice is louder than I want it to be. “Fine,” I say in Ellen’s direction, then to Christian. “I’ll give you five minutes but we’re not going to do this in front of everyone. So follow me.” I lead him deeper into the backyard away from the other guests. “What do you want?” I ask when we get there. I know we’re being watched, but at least we’re not being listened to.
“An explanation. You disappeared.”
I laugh. “I disappeared? Me? You’re the one who left the apartment. Left me sitting there in tears because you won’t answer questions that I have a right to know the answer to. Do you get that, Christian? I’ve never had closure from you. I tell you I want a family, you freak out and go get wasted. Then I make the idiot decision to let you back into my life and you won’t even give me a reason for why you did it. If this is fine with you, and what you want our relationship to be, I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough. So right here, right now, you give me some answers. Or get the hell out.” I’m breathing hard when I finish, but the fresh anger has given me strength, and I finally feel empowered. Those have words have been lodged inside me for a long time and it’s such a relief that they’re out. But there’s more. “I don’t need you to get me pregnant. I’m with a clinic now. You don’t deserve to be the father of my child.”
“Oh, then why did let me fuck you in the first place?”
I go pink, hoping no one heard him say that. “Because I hoped you would be. But it’s not enough. If you can’t give me the one thing I need, then you can’t be a part of my life, let alone the father of a baby that you would never want to see.”
Christian just looks at me, and I shake my head. “Silence isn’t good enough anymore,” I say, turning to walk away.
He catches my wrist before I can leave. “Not silence,” he says, “just trying to figure out the right words.”
“Any words will do, Christian. Start talking.”
I can see his jaw clench, like he’s gritting his teeth. “You think you have it all figured out,” he says, “but you don’t. You have no idea what I went through when we broke up. I was devastated. I honestly wasn’t sure if I would ever recover.”
I go still. “Then why didn’t you try to talk to me? Tell me something? Anything?” After I left I heard nothing from Christian until the day I walked into that apartment and found out my mystery man was him.
“I tried!” he explodes. “I came here. I called. I did everything I could, and I was told every time that you didn’t want to talk to me. That you didn’t want to see me ever again.” I glance toward the rest of the party and my mother, and realize what happened. “So after a while I gave up. I tried to move on. Audrey, I’m sorry for what I did. It was a stupid reaction. That night, I had been laid off. I had lost my job and I didn’t know how to tell you. And then there you were, perfect and telling me that you wanted a family with me. I never wanted anything so badly, but I was terrified. I didn’t even know how I was going to be able to pay the rent, let alone afford a baby or a wedding or a ring.”
His hand slips from my wrist to my hand, taking it gently. “I’m not excusing myself. It was the dumbest thing I’ve done in my life. All I could think in that moment was that I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breathe. I needed to not be there, torn between my dream and my worst fear. And after you left and I couldn’t talk to you, I thought it would never happen. I never thought I’d have anything even close to a second chance with you.”
I feel like I can’t breathe. This doesn’t seem real. It can’t be, can it? “You were on Heartility, and you joked about the free sex. How can I think that you actually missed me if you were on there?”
He winces. “Yeah, I was only on there because of you.”
“How did you know?”
He scratches the back of his neck, a gesture that is purely his and totally endearing. I hate that I find it endearing. “I checked up on you on social media every once in a while. I couldn’t help it. And once, when I did, you’d been commenting on articles about single motherhood, and I wondered if you’d try. It was a whim because I thought if I ever saw you on there it would be a goddamn miracle. I never wanted to get anyone else pregnant. But I thought if I found you, if I could help you with that one thing that you wanted, that maybe it would make up for some of the hurt I caused you.”
Damn it. I’m getting teary again, and I look down at the ground. “And last Friday? You left again.”
“You had made it clear that you didn’t want me,” he says. “That the only thing you wanted was a baby. That it should be detached. I didn’t think you’d want to keep going if I told you the truth, and I couldn’t bear the thought of you with anyone else.”
I look up at him, and I’m fully crying now. “I am so, so mad at you, Christian. You could have just talked to me.”
He steps forward, and touches my face, wiping away my tears with his thumb. “I know. I’m sorry. Please believe me when I say it won’t happen again.”
“You need to go now,” my mother’s voice carries across the yard as she approaches. “I don’t want you in my home. You’re scum for what you did to Audrey, and we don’t want you here. You have no right to barge in here without warning and interrupt her life again. She wants nothing to do with you.”
“Mom, stop,” I say, stepping in between her and Christian. “I have something to do with him being here. Christian has been helping me try to get pregnant. I haven’t been with a clinic. Not until recently. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I was afraid that you would react this way.”
Christian puts his hand on my waist, ever so gently pulling be back against his body. I’m still furious, and we’re not done, but I appreciate the comfort.
“You let him—after everything?” My mother looks like she’s going to explode.
“I’ll explain everything,” I say. “I promise. Just give me a couple more minutes.”
She doesn’t go all the way back to the party, standing a little ways away watching us like a hawk.
I turn back to Christian. “I’m angry,” I say, “and hurt. For years I thought that you threw us away. That you didn’t want me or a family with me so you just let me go. If I had known what was happening, all this would have been different. I—” I take a breath. “I was scared too. I wanted a baby, but I needed you to want one too. To make sure I wasn’t crazy, and I never had that.” I can’t say anything else because Christian is kissing me. Hard and deep and desperate, and
I lose my breath.
“Audrey,” he whispers against my lips. “I want a baby with you. I want as many babies with you as you want to have. I want you in my bed and in my home. I want you in every way there is to want someone.”
I can’t stop crying now. “Are you sure?”
He laughs, kissing me again. “I’m absolutely sure. I love you. I’ve never stopped loving you, and I’m sure as hell not going to lose you again.”
I let him kiss me, and somewhere I hear cheering. Without noticing the people at the party snuck closer to hear, and they heard his declaration. There’s happy cheering and clapping, and I turn bright with embarrassment, hiding my face in Christian’s shirt.
Celia comes up and gives us some glasses of champagne. “Congrats.” She’s smiling.
“I’m sorry we interrupted your party,” I say.
“Are you kidding?” she laughs. “That was awesome.”
Christian’s arm is around my waist, the way his fingers are gripping me makes me think he’s not going to stop for a long time. “I’m still mad at you,” I tell him softly.
“I know,” he says. “Though I’m thinking of some very creative ways to make it up to you.”
“In the bedroom?”
“Or kitchen, living room, the shower, wherever.”
My body prickles with heat and I fight down another blush. “Well try to wait until after the party.”
“I’ll try,” he says in my ear.
My mother is still glaring at the two of us and I bring Christian with me over to her. “I’m sorry I lied to you.”
She shrugs, making a face, like she’s brushing it off. But I can tell she’s still pissed. This isn’t a conversation that’s over. “I’ll still get a grandbaby, so it doesn’t matter.”
She disappears into the crowd, and Christian sighs. “How big is the basket of fruit I have to send her to make her like me?”
“Oh, that size doesn’t exist,” I say. “Besides, she and I have to have a conversation about her behavior. Both now and back when she blocked you from seeing me. She’s not exactly blameless here.”
“Fair.”
I take a sip of champagne. “I suppose that means that I should cancel my appointment with Dr. Lang next week.”
“Yes,” he says, turning me in his arms. “I’m in this for the long haul, and I’ll be damned if you have another man’s baby.” Kissing me, I almost drop the champagne because I forget where I am.
“We should probably get started on that,” I say.
That smirk is back, and even though we still have a lot of talking to do, there’s nothing I want more than to spend the night in his arms. “Want to get out of here?” he asks.
“Hell yes.”
19
Nine Months Later
I’m a bus. That’s what it feels like as I enter the apartment and set down the grocery bag. Being six months pregnant is no picnic. Don’t get me wrong, I’m loving every second of it, but it’s still hard when it feels like your center of gravity is completely different.
I sink down onto the couch and start flipping through the mail. I will always love this couch. It has a lot of memories, including when I sat here naked and unsure and then had what might still be the best sex of my life. Christian moved in here a few months ago after we eloped to Vegas. There’s a card from my mom, and I open it. It’s an invitation to the shower she’s throwing me in a few weeks, with a little note that says how excited she is.
There’s a sound behind me, and suddenly Christian is kissing my neck, hands coming down to cradle my belly as he leans over the couch. “Hello.”
“Hi,” I say, leaning into his touch. “I got the shower invitation.”
He chuckles. “That’s good. Does that mean she’s forgiven me?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t think so,” he says. “I’m never going to forget the look on her face when we came back from Vegas.”
I roll my eyes even though he can’t see my face. “She loves you. Or rather she loves that we’re in love and that you make me happy. You, I’m less sure about.”
“Well, maybe she’ll come around once Clara gets here.”
“Maybe,” I say, kicking off my shoes.
He comes around and sits next to me, taking the rest of the mail and flipping through it quickly before tossing it on the coffee table. “Feet hurt?”
“Yeah,” I say. “Comes with the whole ‘being a whale’ thing.”
Christian raises an eyebrow. “You are not a whale. You are my beautiful wife, who deserves a foot rub.” He leans in to kiss me. “Do you have time for that before you disappear into your studio for the night?”
Another benefit of marrying a CEO besides the serious upgrade in apartments is that he completely supports your dreams. I’ve been studying privately with Mr. Prince ever since the workshop, and next month is my first solo art show in the gallery space downtown. I have so much work to do in the studio that used to be the library. But a foot rub sounds so good that I could cry. “Yeah, I have time for that.”
“Excellent.” Christian stands and scoops me off the couch. I squeak, always nervous when he does this, but he’s never had a problem. He carries me like I weigh nothing, and when I’m this big, it makes me feel good to be carried, cradled.
Sitting me down on the bed, Christian peels off my socks, and I glance over at the wall. Our portraits of each other, naked, hang she by side. It’s fitting, considering how they came to be, that they hang in our bedroom.
I’m pulled back to him by the fact that he’s slipping my leggings down my legs. “Those are not my socks.”
Christian grins. “They’re leg socks, and I promised you a foot rub. I didn’t promise you just a foot rub.”
“I’m not sure—” He stands, gripping the hem of my shirt and tugging it off over my head. I try to cover myself with my arms, which is just impossible. “I look like an alien.”
“You’ve said that for a week now,” Christian says, gently guiding me back onto the bed, climbing over me. “And it’s as bullshit now as the first time you said it.”
“Christian,” I say.
“Audrey,” his eyes are level with mine, and I can tell he’s absolutely serious. “You are beautiful. You are carrying our child. Don’t let the thoughts you’re having make you think that I find you any less attractive. I can’t even look at you without getting hard,” he says, “and I miss you.” His lips are on my collarbone, and I close my eyes.
We haven’t had sex in a week, maybe more, because I started feeling weird and unsexy. How could Christian possibly want to be with me like this? But the way he’s cradling my body right now, I can feel his cock pressed up against me, and he’s not lying. He’s hard, and I…I want that. “Okay.”
He groans against my skin. “Just relax, baby. I’m gonna take care of you.” Sliding back down my body, he parts my legs, and I moan because his tongue is already there, licking me through my panties and making me go liquid with need. I hadn’t realized how much I missed this. It didn’t seem like at all, and now my whole body is on fire.
Christian strips off my underwear, plunging his tongue deep inside my pussy, and fuck that feels amazing. I can’t reach his head around my belly, but if I could I would grab his hair and pull him closer, deeper. My hands grip the blanket, squeezing until my knuckles go white.
Being pregnant has changed sex a bit. My orgasms are always close to the surface, my whole body primed and ready to go. And as Christian drags his tongue up and over my clit, I come, lighting spiraling through me fast and out. Like a bucket of pleasure dumped over my body.
“Hmm,” Christian says, licking his lips. “Maybe you needed this after all.”
“Shut up,” I say, but I’m smiling.
Christian stands, and efficiently strips. I don’t know that I’ll ever get tired of that sight. It’s delicious. Toned skin, perfect abs, and a hard cock that are all mine. He lies behind me, and pulls me against him so I can feel his heat. His arms su
rround me, cradling my breasts and belly. “You know what I like best about this?” he asks, fitting his cock against me.
“The fucking?” I ask, breathless as he eases into me, and God, I hate how right he is. I needed this more than I thought.
He laughs, low and sensual. “Of course, but in this position I can feel you. I can feel you breathe. Every movement you make is pressed up against me and I like that.”
He can’t see that I’m blushing, and I can’t respond because he’s moving inside me, slow and steady, but gaining speed. I don’t have the breath or the words to tell him, but I love this position too. It’s comforting that he can hold me, and God he can get so deep. Being pregnant makes him feel bigger too. Everything is compressed to make room for the baby and he fills me up that much more. And with my orgasm so close, I’m already panting. “Christian.” I say.
He makes a rough sound in my ear, filled with lust, and thrusts faster. I let my head fall back against him, feeling the friction in every stroke. The next orgasm that hits me is overwhelming. I cry out, my voice echoing off the walls of the room, and with a final few thrusts he comes too. It’s been so long, I’m surprised that both of us lasted as long as we did.
Christian presses a kiss to the back of my neck. “I love you,” he says.
“I love you too.”
We stay where we are, wrapped up in each other for a while, him still inside me. Finally, he stirs. “I should let you go to work,” he says, and I feel him getting ready to pull away.
“Wait,” I grab his hands, keeping them around me. “Not yet. I just want you to hold me. Just for now.”
He laughs softly. “I can do that.”
Epilogue
One year Later
I put Clara down on the play mat for a chance to rest my arms and sit, but as soon as she’s down, she’s off, crawling across the floor and out the door into the hallway. I sigh and smile. This little one is going to be the death of me, and I love every second.
Getting Her Back Page 14
