Page 15
"Colin wants to have sex," I tell her.
"Every guy over the age of fourteen wants to have sex," she says. "Its their job to want to do it. "
"I just. . . dont want to. At least, not now. "
"Then its your job to say no," she says, as if its that easy. Sierra isnt a virgin anymore, shed said yes. Why is it so hard for me to say yes, too?
"How will I know when its the right time?"
"You sure as hell wont be asking me about it. I guess when youre totally ready youll want to do it with no reservations or questions. We know they want to have sex. Its up to you to make it happen. Or not. Listen, the first time wasnt fun or easy. It was kind of sloppy and most of the time I felt stupid. Opening yourself up to making mistakes and being vulnerable is what makes it beautiful and special with the person you love. "
Is that why I havent wanted to do it with Colin? Maybe deep down I dont love him as much as I thought. Am I even capable of loving someone so much that I open myself up to being vulnerable? I really dont know.
"Tyler broke up with Darlene today," Sierra whispers to me. "He started dating a girl in his dorm. "
If I didnt feel sorry for Darlene before, now I do. Especially because she thrives on attention from guys. It fuels her self-esteem. Its no wonder she was totally all over Shane tonight.
I watch as the rest of the guys and Darlene come into view and set blankets down on the beach. Darlene grabs Shanes shirt and pulls him aside. "Lets go make out," she tells him. Shane is all too ready to honor her request.
Pulling her away from him, I lean close and say so only she can hear, "Dont fool around with Shane. "
"Why not?"
"Because you dont like him like that. Dont use him. Or let him use you. "
Darlene pushes me away. "You seriously have a demented view of reality, Brit. Or maybe you want to point out everyone elses imperfections so you stay the Queen of Perfect. "
Thats not fair. I dont want to point out her flaws, but if I see her going on a self-destructive path, isnt it up to me as her friend to stop her?
Maybe not. Were friends, but not super-close friends. The only one I let close enough is Sierra. How dare I give Darlene advice when she cant reciprocate?
Sierra, Doug, Colin, and I sit on blankets and talk about the last football game in front of a bonfire we make with sticks and old pieces of wood.
We laugh, remembering the missed plays and imitating the football coach who yelled at the players from the sidelines. His face gets all red and when hes really upset spit flies out of his mouth as he yells. Players get out of the way so they dont get sprayed. Doug does a hilarious imitation of him.
It feels good sitting here with my friends and Colin, and for a while I forget about my chemistry partner, whos been occupying my thoughts lately.
After a while, Sierra and Doug go for a walk and Im leaning against Colin in front of the fire, the light giving the sand around us a bright glow. Darlene and Shane have hooked up for the night despite my advice against it and arent back yet.
I grab the bottle of Chardonnay the guys brought. The boys have been drinking beer and the girls have been drinking wine because Sierra hates the taste of beer. I bring the bottle to my lips and finish it off. Im feeling buzzed, but I probably need to drink an entire bottle myself in order to feel completely carefree.
"Did you miss me this summer?" I ask, leaning into Colin as he smoothes down my hair. Its probably a mess. I wish I was drunk enough not to care.
Colin takes my hand in his and leads it to his crotch. He lets out a slow, moaning breath.
"Yeah," he says into my neck. "Lots. "
When I take my hand back, his arms snake around to my front. He squeezes my boobs like theyre water balloons. Ive never minded Colins touch before, but now Im annoyed and creeped out by his roving hands. I shrug out of his grasp.
"Whats wrong, Brit?"
"I dont know. " I really dont know. Things with Colin seem strained since school started. And thoughts of Alex keep invading my head, which is annoying me more than anything. I reach over and grab a beer. "It feels forced," I tell my boyfriend as I open the can and take a sip. "Cant we sit here without fooling around?"
Colin lets out a long, dramatic deep breath. "Brit, I want to do it. "
I try and down the entire can in one gulp, but end up spewing out some of it. "You mean now?" Where our friends can see us if they turn around?
"Why not? Weve waited long enough. "
"I dont know, Colin," I say, really scared to be having this conversation although I knew it was coming. "I guess . . . I guess I thought it would happen naturally. "
"What can be more natural than doing it outside, in the sand?"
"What about condoms?"
"Ill pull out. "
That doesnt sound romantic at all. Ill be freaking out the entire time and worrying about getting pregnant. Not how I want my first time to be. "Making love means a lot to me. "
"To me, too. So lets do it already. "
"I feel like this summer changed you. "
"Maybe it did," he says defensively. "Maybe I realized our relationship has to be more. Geez, Brit. Whoever heard of a senior being a fucking virgin? Everyone thinks weve done it, why dont we just do it? Shit, you even let that guy Fuentes think he can get into your pants. "
My heart slams into my chest. "You think Id rather sleep with Alex than you?" I ask, my eyes getting watery. I dont know if its the alcohol making me emotional or if its because his words hit the target. My thoughts are on my chem partner. I hate myself for having these thoughts, and hate Colin right now for pointing it out.
"What about Darlene?" I throw back. I look around, making sure Darlene is out of hearing range. "You two are like one cozy couple in chemistry class. "
"Get off it, Brit. So some girl pays attention to me in chemistry. Obviously you dont because youre too busy arguing with Fuentes. Everyone knows its all foreplay. "
"Thats not fair, Colin. "
"Whats going on?" Sierra says, walking up with Doug from behind a large boulder.
"Nothing," I tell her. I stand up, my sandals in hand. "Im going home. "
Sierra grabs her purse. "Ill go with you. "
"No. " Im finally feeling light-headed. Its like Im having an out-of-body experience and I want to go through it it all by myself. "I dont want or need anyone. Ill walk. "
"Shes drunk," Doug says, eyeing the empty bottle and beer can beside me.
"Am not," I tell them. I snatch another beer and open it as I walk down the beach. Alone. By myself. Which is how it should be.
Sierra says, "I dont want you going alone. "
"I just want to be by myself right now. I need to sort things out. "
"Brit, come back here," Colin says, but doesnt get up.
I ignore him.
"Dont go past the fourth pier," Sierra warns. "Its not safe. "
Safe shmafe. So what if something happens to me, anyway? Colin doesnt care. Or my parents, for that matter.
Closing my eyes as the sand sinks between my toes, I breathe in the scent of the fresh, cool Lake Michigan breeze washing over my face and drink more beer. Forgetting everything except the sand and my beer, I continue walking, pausing only to look out over the dark water with moonlight shining across it like a line splitting the water in two.
Ive passed two piers. Or maybe three. Anyway, its not a long walk home. Less than a mile. When I get to the next beach entrance, Ill walk up the street and head home. Its not like I havent done it before.
But the sand feels so good beneath my feet, like one of those squishy bean bag pillows you sink into. And I hear music up ahead. I love music. Closing my eyes, my body moves to the unfamiliar song.
I havent realized how far Ive walked and danced until the sound of laughing and voices in Spanish make me freeze. People wearing red and black bandannas in front of me are a clue Ive gone past the fourth pier.
"Look everybody,
its Brittany Ellis, Fairfield Highs sexiest pompom girl," a guy says. "Come here, mamacita. Dance with me. "
I scan the crowd desperately for a familiar or friendly face. Alex, lies here. Sitting in his lap facing him is Carmen Sanchez.
A sobering picture.
Another guy advances on me. "Dont you know this side of the beach is for Mexicanos only?" he says, moving closer. "Or maybe youve come sniffin for some dark meat. You know what they say, baby--dark meats the juiciest. "
"Leave me alone. " My words are slurred.
"You think youre too good for me?" He moves toward me, his eyes full of anger. The music stops.
I stagger backward. Im not too drunk to know Im in danger.
"Javier, lay off. " Alexs voice is low--its an order.
Alex is caressing Carmens shoulder, his lips mere inches from it. I sway. This is a nightmare and I need to get away, fast.
I start running, the gang members laughter ringing in my ears. I cant run fast enough and feel like Im in a dream where my feet are moving but Im not going anywhere.
"Brittany, wait!" a voice calls from behind me.
I turn around and am face-to-face with the guy whos haunting my dreams . . . daydreams and night dreams.
Alex.
The guy who I hate.
The guy who I cant get out of my mind, no matter how drunk I am.
"Ignore Javier," Alex says. "Sometimes he gets carried away tryin to be a badass. " Im stunned when he steps closer and wipes away a tear from my cheek. "Dont cry. I wouldnt let him hurt you. "
Should I tell him Im not afraid of being hurt? Im afraid of not being in control.
Though I havent run far, its far enough from Alexs friends. They cant see me or hear me.
"Why do you like Carmen?" I ask as the world tilts and I stumble in the sand. "Shes mean. "
He holds out his hands to help me but I flinch, so he stuffs his hands in his pockets. "What the fuck do you care, anyway? You stood me up. "
"I had stuff going on. "
"Like washin your hair or gettin a manicure?"
Or having my hair ripped out by my sister and getting reamed out by my mom? I jab my finger into his chest. "Youre an asshole. "
"And youre a bitch," he says. "A bitch with a kick-ass smile and eyes that can seriously screw with a guys head. " He winces, as if the words slipped out and he wants to take them back.
I was expecting him to say a lot of things, but not that. Especially not that. I notice his bloodshot eyes. "Youre high, Alex. "
"Yeah, well you dont look too sober yourself. Maybe nows a good time to give me that kiss you owe me. "
"No way. "
"Por que no? Afraid youll like it so much youll forget your boyfriend?"
Kiss Alex? Never. Although Ive been thinking about it. A lot. More than I should. His lips are full and inviting. Oh, boy, hes right. I am drunk. And Im definitely not feeling right. Im past numbness and going on delirium, because Im thinking things I have no business thinking. Like how I want to know what his lips feel like against mine.
"Fine. Kiss me, Alex," I say, stepping forward and leaning into him. "Then well be even. "
Perfect Chemistry Page 15
