by O. E. Boroni
“Lenora we’re not ready. At this point in our lives, I don’t think that we can make this into what it’s supposed to be.”
“Nathan, that’s bullshit.”
“It’s not.”
“Well what about Elisa and Matthew? They’re making it work. Why can’t we? ”
“That’s not what I want with you,” he said, his tone somewhat harsh. “No offence to them but their relationship has an expiration date.”
Suddenly I needed to sit down, but I couldn’t bring myself to move. I unfolded my arms from across my chest. “Nathan…” I warned but he went on.
“I don’t expect you to completely understand me, but right now, it’s more important to me that you’re able to find out who you are, and what you really want. And you need to do it alone, or not be so invested in someone that you’re not able to see properly.”
I was stunned. What the hell was he saying?
“You just said you’re in love with me,” I said. “What does that mean in your book? Because in mine, it means that you’re ready to try, and fight.”
“Lenora, this is me fighting. I don't want to just try when there's a very huge chance that we might not work. In fact we won't work, because we're still too young and uncertain. Neither of us knows what we want yet, and until we do, I'm not willing to gamble away the one thing that I do know I want."
I snorted in disbelief. "You're just being selfish."
“I am, but I’m not going to apologize for that. Lenora we’ve seen our parents go from being in love to destroying each other. I don’t want that to be us. Falling in love is not a big deal because unless you’re able to maintain it, they’re just feelings. And they come as easily as they go.”
“So why did you bother telling me at all if it doesn’t mean anything to you?”
“Because I want you to understand me, and what I want. I want right now as much as you do, but do you know what I want more? I want to be able to have a long, insanely crazy, and fulfilling life with you. And if we don’t choose the battles that we’re going to fight, we’ll never have that. If this is not what you want then that’s fine. But I'm going to hold out and wait, because right now I’m a mess, and so are you.”
"I don't think I can wait," I said, partially honest and also in a bid to threaten him enough to change his mind.
He stood up then, and came to stand in front of me.
"I don't expect you to," he said, as he stared deeply into my eyes. “And I’m not claiming to know why I can feel this way about you today, but still be able to hate you just as much, years, or even months down the line. But until I find out, I’m not going to gamble with you. I’d rather not have tried at all than be with you, and then fail. I won’t want to recover from that. ”
He softly brushed his knuckles against my cheeks, and then went over to the bench to retrieve his books. He came back to me to plant a soft kiss on my forehead, before turning around and walking away.
I felt the loss as I watched him leave, but instead of just the cold, it was accompanied with a strange kind of warmth. It all threatened to put me in tears again but I held myself together, and returned to the store as soon as he was out of sight.
« CHAPTER 20 »
"You're late." Elisa said as she came up behind me. I looked up at her through the mirror and flashed a placating smile.
“I'm almost done," I said, but took a few more seconds before releasing my hair from the curling iron. The curl fell in a glorious wave to join the others and I gently ran my fingers through the mass. Finally satisfied at the look that had taken me less than thirty minutes to achieve, I stood up from the chair and grabbed my sling purse from my bed.
"I'm ready," I said, and we turned around to leave.
"Don't get me wrong, I am happy that you're finally paying extra care to how you look now, but I don't like suffering for it."
"C’mon, I’m sorry," I said, and held her hand. She shot me a wary look.
"This wouldn't happen if you’d just woken up ten minutes earlier."
"I don’t think I’m physically or mentally capable of getting up before seven a.m."
She shook her head. "This is the last time, I mean it,” she said sternly. I nodded in agreement like I’d done every morning since midterms.
It was Monday again, and the third week after midterms. The light breeze as we headed to the school block gently lifted the soft waves on my head, and dangled strands of hair across my face. The wind grew heavier around us as the sky grew increasingly dark, so we increased our pace to avoid being caught in the impending rain.
Elisa headed to her class while I hurried off to mine, arriving just as Mr. Barron was retrieving his things from his briefcase.
"Miss Baker," he called out in a warning tone. I didn’t stop, and hurried to my seat with an apologetic smile on my face. He started handing out our test papers as I settled down, and eventually put mine on my desk.
"Good job, again," he said, and I looked down to see an A written in a red marker at the top of the page. I raised my eyes to see him peer down at me from above his glasses, and sent him a tightlipped smile. Hopefully he'd soon start to believe that I wasn't somehow cheating, despite all his eager attempts to prove otherwise.
Through the rest of the periods however, I battled with boredom until eventually, it was time to meet Elisa for lunch in the courtyard.
I took my seat across from her, and placed the test paper on the table next to her tray of food. She sucked in a small breath.
"Again?"
I beamed. "Again. I think Mr. Barron’s’ almost close to believing that I'm actually not cheating now. This is the second test in two weeks.”
"But how are you doing it though?" she asked. "You hate Math."
I shrugged and opened my sandwich pack. "Still do. I just learnt that I don't have to love it to know what I'm doing. It requires practice not passion."
"Well, it took you a while to learn that," she teased. I snatched the paper back.
"Funny."
She laughed. "Anyway, this is great ... but does it have anything to do with Nathan?"
"Stop asking me that," I said, and took a bite out of my sandwich.
"Well, I can't help it. You came back that day without a word and now you've turned into this. I can't help but wonder."
"I don't want to talk about him."
"I know that," she said. "But I also think you'll want to know that he's back."
I stopped chewing. "He is?"
"Yes," she answered. "I saw him in the cafeteria a few minutes ago."
"Well I didn't," I said, and I frowned at the disappointment that was obvious in my voice. I resumed chewing.
"No worries, he'll find you," she said, but I didn't respond. I didn't need her to know how wrong she was.
"By the way, rehearsals for the arts festival start soon. Well, it's already been going on but the all day sessions begin later this week."
I grunted, uninterested.
"Aren't you participating?" she asked, sounding surprised. I looked up from my meal.
"No, I'm not."
"Why?"
"Because I don't want to- I never do."
"You mean in your three years here you've just stood by?"
"Actually, I've avoided it."
"Well, you shouldn't avoid it this time around. I need someone with me."
I sighed, and told her that I’d think about it just so that she could drop the subject, and my mind could go to other things. Like the boy who’d practically rejected me a few weeks back. He was the first person I'd ever felt that way about, and he'd thrown it back in my face.
That day after I'd left the park, I'd gone back to the house after telling Elisa that I wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be able to stay until the work day ended. I did eventually move past it a few days later.
Then I decided to take some of his advice and create some new dreams of my own. Something I actually had the power to do, which was to make myself better in every aspect th
at mattered, and that began with my appearance.
Elisa’s’ mom had helped me adjust my uniform just like she'd done Elisas’, so now, instead of a pinafore with a waistline that rested on my waist, the bodice had been extended to stop a little below the middle of my hip. So the upper part was fitted to frame what little curves I had managed to develop, while the bottom half was shortened in an array of immaculate pleats that stopped a few inches above my knee.
The added effort in my studies was a decision that followed, solely based on the fact that I deserved to not be insulted anymore, by Nathan or by anyone else.
So I had moved on and was much better than how I was when he had left me, and although I didn't expect him to have any decision-changing epiphanies when he finally got to see me, I did expect a jaw drop, or since I was talking about him here, slightly widened eyes. One thing was for sure, either way and right now, I was fine and content, so the last thing I was going to do was seek him out.
That was my resolve, backed up by the confidence that came with my new self-image. Yet, by the end of school day, I’d hit someone that was standing beside my locker as I jerked it open because I was too busy studying the hallways for any sign of him. I’d also bumped into people because I wasn't paying attention, some of whom accepted my apology while others just made rude remarks or flashed irritated looks at me.
By the end of the day when I’d still not seen him, I returned to my house and tried to completely put him out of my mind. It didn't work, so I went early for dinner, and cajoled Elisa into standing at a corner in front of the dining hall to chat up some boys that she knew. One of them I’d seen around, and as far as I knew he was one of the popular ones in our year and also Matthew's friend.
They started a conversation about midterms but I didn’t pitch in or listen; my eyes kept watching the doors so that I could get a glimpse of Nathan when he came in. I tried countless times to convince myself of how ridiculous what I was doing was, but I couldn’t get myself to leave. However when two more boys came over to join the conversation, I excused myself, and left.
Just after I sat down at our table, I looked up and behold; Nathan walked in with James.
“Damn it!” I cursed under my breath. I wanted to quickly get up again and go over to pretend to ask Elisa an important question, but I forced myself to stay put.
You’re beyond this, I kept repeating to myself, but I couldn’t help the disappointment that was now lodged in the pit of my stomach. Elisa came over a few minutes later and took a seat beside me.
“Did you see him?” she asked. I nodded.
“Aren’t you going to go over to say hi?”
I shook my head.
Matthew came along then and I was thankful, because it gave me someone else to focus on, and got Elisa to stop asking me questions that I didn’t want to provide the answers to.
I paid more attention than was necessary to their chat, slowly eating my dinner and listening to Elisa talk about her plans for the festival. Once in a while my mind did slip up, along with an incredible urge to glance over at his table. However, I was able to control it so when the end of dinner came I was more than ready to leave. But Justin Faulk, the head boy, walked to the front of the hall and demanded everyone's attention.
The hall grew quiet as everyone turned to listen.
“Hello,” he started. “As you all know, the festival is coming up very soon so the headmaster has issued a starting date for the rehearsals. It will be on Thursday morning, straight through the weekend and then all of next week.”
A deafening roar erupted as everyone expressed their delight at the news. Rehearsals meant that no academic work would be held throughout. I couldn’t have cared less.
“So,” he continued, “you’ll all be meeting with your house heads now, just to be briefed on the various steps to take before then. I think Cartmel should take the first row of tables.” He motioned to the first row. “That’s Sarah and Craig.”
“Lonsdale; second row with Allison and uh … Daniel. Grizedale; third row with Kevin, and Isabel. Bowland can take the back of the second row with Jessica and Mark. Then Pendle; you guys can have the last row. That’s Beverly and Jimmy. However, Jimmy is not around for the time being, I think he had some issues at home. So you’ll all have to work with just Beverly for now, but if by Thursday he’s not back, the housemaster will appoint someone in the interim.”
“And please, I encourage everyone to register and participate in something. Your heads have the authority to serve out sanctions otherwise. So, thank you and have fun.” he said and he walked away towards his own house, which was Bowland- James’s’ house.
The hall became rowdy at once but soon, there was some semblance of order as everyone found their houses. I saw Nathan move from the Cartmel houses’ row towards ours, but I lost sight of him in the crowd.
Beverly came up to the side so that everyone could hear her, and with an annoying bright smile on her face, she began.
She gave a briefing of all the various activities that would be available this year, and then set up seniors to represent each of them so that we could register our names.
“Remember,” she said in her abnormally high-pitched voice. “We’re all required to participate, so make sure to register in at least one of the activities. Anyone found wanting will be on sloth duty for the whole season. Thank you.”
I stood up to leave as soon as she left, but Elisa pulled me back down with a frown.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“To my room, I’m exhausted.”
“Didn’t you just hear the sloth threat?”
I sighed. “Registration doesn’t end today. I’ll try to make up my mind before Thursday.”
“Still, you have to come with me.” she said, and she dragged me off to the different lines for the activities that she was interested in. She registered with the fashion, cuisine and dance groups, and then chose to hang around with Matthew while I found my way back to my room.
*
Kate was sitting on my bed when I walked in and although I was startled at first, I quickly recovered and gave her a warm smile. I hadn't really spoken to her since we'd resumed so I was sort of happy to see her there.
"Hey." I greeted, and she smiled back.
"How are you Lennie?” she asked. I took a seat beside her.
“I’m fine. How was your midterms?”
“Midterms were good. I heard you spent yours in London.”
“Yes I did, with Elisa.”
"And how was it?" she asked.
"It was nice," I replied, wondering why she seemed so courteous. It felt like I was talking to a stranger.
“Well that’s good,” she said and stood to her feet. It surprised me.
“You’re leaving?” I asked and she nodded, the smile gone from her face.
“I just decided to check up on you, it’s been a while.”
“It has. Well, thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” she said and she forced a smile. I watched her leave, a sense of foreboding remaining in her wake.
I got ready for bed and replaced my journal back underneath my desk. It was only when I was nearly asleep that I wondered what it had been doing on the table in the first place.
*
“I think Kate read my journal,” I told Elisa as we headed to the gym court on Thursday morning. It had skipped my mind for the past two days because I’d been preparing for and had a biology test, but when we’d passed by the dining hall a few minutes earlier and spotted her, it had instantly come to mind.
“Why do you think so?” Elisa asked, and I told her how I’d found it on my table instead of underneath the desk where I always kept it.
“Did you write anything important in it?”
“Well, not really,” I answered, so she shrugged it off.
I didn’t bother telling her that I had written most of my encounters with Nathan in it. It left my mind altogether as soon as we arrived at the court, and met the
pews already occupied by my housemates. Excitement and laughter filled the air as people hung out and waited for the session to begin.
Elisa and I took our seats, and the chaos was soon halted when Beverly walked to the front with a megaphone to her mouth. She spoke an overly loud greeting into it and although it was annoying, the hall was soon quiet.
“We’ll begin immediately,” she said, “but firstly, I need you all to take this as seriously as possible. No misbehaving will be tolerated. We lost last year to Lonsdale, but this year that’s not going to happen. There’s a lot of work to do and Jimmy’s still not back, but more on that tomorrow.”
"First thing you’ll have to do this morning is go to the various stations of the activities you signed up for. Just identify the seniors you signed up with so that you’ll be able to start your discussions, then set up and fix meeting times. You can alternate if you registered for more than one but please make sure you’re duly informed of all that goes on. So, for now that’s it until a later briefing. Thanks.” she concluded and the whole hall became rowdy again.
Elisa bounded off to find her groups but I stayed far back in the pews, and watched the chaos as everyone tried to find where they needed to be. Somehow, I fell asleep right there and jumped up when the deafening sound of music boomed from the speakers in the court. Annoyed, I stood up and returned to the hall.
I didn’t even bother getting out of bed the next morning despite Elisa’s rants and threats. She eventually left when I didn’t respond, but my joy was short-lived because Beverly burst into my room barely an hour later.
She seemed entirely too eager and I knew I was in for it. She ordered me to the court immediately, but since my plans of undisturbed rest had already blown up, I took my time in getting ready.
She gave me a murderous look when I got to the arena more than an hour later, and found her talking to some seniors from the other houses. She immediately excused herself, and I followed her as she led me to the middle of the court where some of the dancers were seated on the floor. I knew who she tapped on the shoulder before he even turned around.
