by Sanchit Garg
I smirked, “Do you really believe I was going to bring you one?”
“Is it? I think I should tell Father about this.”
I pleaded, “No! Please don’t say anything to Father. I will go at once to bring you a glass of water and if you need anything else to be done, just let me know that too.”
She gave me a side glance, “Okay! If you say so.”
I walked towards the kitchen to drink and grab a glass of water for her. Somehow, my eyes closed. I felt dazed for a moment, and when I came back to my senses, I saw a shadowy black figure running out from the kitchen into the drawing-room where Purnima was sitting. It was something deep and dark, with an ash-grey complexion, eyes pushed way back deep into their sockets, skin all desiccated and pulled tightly over the bones.
I yelled, “Hey! Who are you? What are you doing in here?”
It didn’t reply back and just entered the room where she was sitting.
I quickly paced towards the drawing-room and was about to yell- Purnima! Purnima! When I remembered I shouldn’t, no matter what transpires. No bad influence! I entered the room and looked around, only to find that Purnima wasn’t there.
Hmm! How is this possible? Where could she go at this point? It didn’t take me more than a minute to move out and in? And where did the shadowy figure run off to? Maybe it was just my imagination. Something may have got in my eye, or perhaps I was having a delusion.
Okay! I think I should first check the other rooms for Purnima.
With a heightened breath and quick pace, I went from one room to the other, but she wasn’t there. I went out of the front gate, just to confirm and she wasn’t near there either. I even checked near the main gate and on both sides of the road. Where the hell did she go off too? In the condition she is in, she can’t walk fast enough to walk away somewhere.
Just what the hell happened? How could she disappear in an instant, and what was that hazy figure? It was not human, that’s for sure. But then what exactly happened and what was it?
I think I need to recheck the house. I went to check every room and every corner of the house once again. After spending nearly half an hour or so, I still couldn’t find her.
I wailed, “What have I done? My father won’t leave me alive now. It would be all my fault in their eyes.”
Now, what do I do? No one, just no one can help me with this. Does that black figure have something to do with her disappearance? That 12-year boy-like figure with an almost fatless appearance and thin legs. Just what exactly do these things want from us? Haven’t they taken enough already?
I sat down on the dining table’s chair and resting my hands on the table with my palms supporting my head, I gave a helpless bellow off me. Just what to do, what? Why is it? What should I do? I am helpless! Suddenly a thought clicked my mind. Maybe, this is all a dream. But how can that be possible? I was going to the kitchen, and everything was okay. But, I can’t remove the chance of it being an illusion. There’s only one way to find out, and I know it would be painful. I need to bite my hand to confirm.
I brought my left hand close to my mouth; my eyes closed automatically, and I dug my teeth into it.
See, nothing happened. I was okay. I tried to open my eyes, but I couldn’t. Like, what now. Why can’t I open my eyes now? I tried as hard as I could to open them. I pinched my eyelids and then applied as much force as possible to open them. In a sudden gasp, they opened.
Breathing out of my mouth, “Ufff!"
What the hell was that? Finally, I am back. It is the same. Nothing has changed.”
I think I need to reach out to my mother and tell her the strange things that happened today. Maybe she can ask the priest for some help. But where do I find Purnima now? It looks like I am the one who has killed her. Why am I the one who always loses, why is my soul wounded again and again?
My life was already not easy with Nandana’s issue. I think I just can’t battle against so many failures. My heart had been broken several times, too, not because of her, and most of the time, because of me only. But what do I do? I had seen the abyss of sadness up close more than once, I had been about to fall, but I had always been able to save myself, but why not my kids? Why am I the only one standing tall at the end? What did I do to deserve to be alive, to stand alone, hurt and broken?
Sometimes, I feel that I should die in these difficult times, maybe, everything would be back to normal. Perhaps it is just me who is causing all these confusing phenomenons.
Was all this necessary? I despair and think it should not have been so. Just how do I find so many answers with so many questions? This melancholy has wreaked havoc on me while I was drowning in bad times. How can I forget them so easily?
With a down face, I started walking towards the main door with all these thoughts in my mind.
Thik! Thaak! Thik! Thaak!
What is this sound? I think it came from the drawing-room. Suddenly, a smile came to my face and then my expressions turned into panic, as to what bad was left to happen?
I stopped midway and started walking towards the direction of the drawing-room. I entered and couldn’t believe my eyes.
“How is this possible?”
“Brother! You are still here. I thought you were going to bring me a glass of water.”
I yelled, “You! You okay! Where did you go to before? How is the baby?”
She asserted, “Yes! I am okay. The baby is fine, too. What happened to you? Why are you in a frenzy? I haven’t moved from here at all. Do you think if I could move that easily, I wouldn’t have gotten a glass of water on my own?
Turning my face down, “Yes! I am an idiot. Maybe I was just hallucinating. I would go to the kitchen at once.”
Just what is wrong with me? What was it all? She’s totally fine here. Was it a fantasy? Or was it a reality? I think I can never find out which one I am living at present.
She shouted, “Okay! Wash your face too. It looks like you need a serious sleep.”
“Yes! Will do.”
I went to the washbasin and washed my face. But, even still, my head felt heavy. So, so heavy. Maybe I should just go home and get some rest. But I can’t. Father, would beat me so much that even my skin is torn off. So, that is not a possibility. Okay! I would just do what I came here to do and then quickly get to Father.
I walked into the kitchen, grabbed a glass and filled it with water. Drinking 2 full glasses and filling in one for Purnima, I reached back to her.
“Here, it is.”
“Thanks! So, now that I can talk after satiating my throat. You had something important to discuss or did you just come to check on me.”
As if I could discuss it with you, you fool.
“No! Nothing! I just came to drop in the fruits and to check if there was something that you needed.”
She smirked, “So, what you are saying is that you basically wanted to bunk from work, is it?”
I laughed, “What! Yes! That was the sole objective. To get as far away as possible from Father.”
She gave me a side glance, “You do know that you are the eldest in the family, and you have to take the ropes of the business. Father can’t work for the whole of his life. People grow old. Just like we would too.”
Sometimes she says such unpleasant but learned words that they go deep into the heart.
“Yes! I will try my best. Don’t you worry at all? I am just waiting for the baby to call me Mamu.”
She laughed, “Yes! You are! As if you loved your children that much when they were born. You just stayed away, scared that you would hurt them by touching them. Don’t you dare joke with me.”
I nodded, “Hmm! Maybe you are right. I would try to be a better self of myself.
Suddenly, my gaze turned towards the clock. It was 3 '0 clock already.
What the hell! Just how is this possible? I have been here for at max like half an hour.
urnima! How is it 3 already?”
She was startled, “It’s 3? Really? Maybe, I sl
ept while you went to get me a glass of water. I sleep a lot these days.”
No! This is just not possible! How can 4 hours pass so fast? Was it really a dream? I don’t think so. Something more sinister is going on in here, and I believe we need urgent help or else the consequences would be unbearable.”
It was already one hour past the time I promised Father. I knew I was up for a drubbing today.
“Hey! I am going now. Take care.”
“Yes! I would! And please, just close the door behind you once you get out. I am feeling drowsy already, and I think I will rest some more.”
I chuckled, “Yes! Yes! Bye!”
Now, I need to hurry as fast as I can towards the shop.
It was a 15-minute walk from her place to the market. As I was walking, I saw a puppy near a wall to my left. He was too feeble to walk or even bark. I stopped and looked closely at his face. His tiny eyes stared angrily at me as if he was enraged at humans and had lost all hope. He was in such a dreadful condition that it made my heartache. Looking at him, he reminded me of myself. If I were a dog, that’s how I was going to be. I walked close to him and genuflected. I tried to touch his front paw, but he protested with whatever strength he could. I looked around. There was nothing in sight except a hand pump. I sped walked to it and filled water into my hands as much as possible. I paced back to him and tried to satiate his thirst if not his hunger. He stared at me in mistrust but finally drank from it. I knew he wasn't going to buy my act of kindness. How could he? You can't trust people that easily. I smiled and quickly paced to our shop. Hell! I never ran this fast before.
I entered the shop and went right towards my father, already waiting to get a beating. He saw me and didn’t say anything at all.
How is this possible? Okay, whatever it is, it’s better if I don’t say anything to him.
I slowly slid to where Mohan was sitting and whispered to him.
“Mohan! Did something happen to Father?”
He murmured, “It’s good that you came late. Did you already know what was going to happen today?”
I was shocked, “What happened and how would I know? Are you trying to doubt your elder brother?”
“No! I can never doubt you. So there was this man in his 60s who was demanding that we sell him wheat at a lower price just because it was available at that rate a month ago. And when Father told him to get it from somewhere else, he started to bad-mouth him.
Father got so angry that both of them had a tussle of words, and after 10-15 minutes of all that word fight, some people from the other shops came in and took the man away. Everyone was looking at us, like we did something wrong, just because we are new here, without knowing what the scene was. So, yes, that’s how it was.”
“Oh! This must have been scary and tiring. Now I know why Father is behaving like this. He must still be angry. And even though I shouldn’t, I am a bit glad that it happened. Else, I would have been dead by this time.”
Around 6 in the evening, we reached back home, totally tired, and I couldn't even discuss the day with my mother. Hell! I wasn’t even sure if I should discuss everything with her or not. I knew she would be able to understand what had happened to me, but I decided to keep it to myself. I had dinner as usual and then went to bed a little early at 7 pm as the pain in my head was unbearable.
In the next two days after that, time passed by in a jiffy and the pain in my head was still there, so, I would just go to sleep after eating dinner.
The next day, I didn't even have dinner, and my mother was tensed as to what was happening with me. I told her that I was okay, and there was nothing to fret about at all. I even lied to her that I already had chaat in the market and that I was feeling full today, but the truth was only with me. Nothing like that happened. It was just my head, and the scene at my sister’s house kept on playing in my head. I wasn’t able to correlate with anything that happened that day at all.
I walked towards my room to go to sleep, but someone called my name. It was an unfamiliar voice.
Maybe, it's just a product of my mind.
Someone called my name again. What is going on? Is there someone calling me? How deep can I hallucinate these days?
I started to walk towards my bed. Just as I was about to lift my right leg up and forward, someone touched my shoulder.
No! Who is this? This is turning scary now.
I turned back to see if there really was someone out there calling me or if it was just a product of my mind. And, luckily it wasn't. It was Nandana.
No, it can't be! It’s not her! Please tell me someone, anyone that it’s not her. Even though I could instantly recognise her voice whenever I heard it, but this time it felt completely new as if a different person. It was as if we were two separate individuals now who knew nothing about one another.
There was a relief, but a fear came in as she was the one who called me. And at the moment, I could recollect nothing that I had done to make her love me or hate me more. So, something must be wrong today.
I wanted to ask her- Are you better now?
But I stopped knowing that any word of mine could hurt her and that was something I didn’t want at that time. So, I pretended to look at her but kept my mouth shut.
But, she didn’t say anything. A minute or so passed, and finally, I broke my silence. Like, first she makes me stop and then she says nothing at all. What is wrong with her? She was never like this? Has she finally made up her mind to leave me? Maybe I should just ask her.
“Nandana, Are you alright?"
Please don't tell me I did something horrible again. I can't take it anymore.
She muttered, “Actually!”
I wanted to ask her- What actually? Just tell me. Don't build up the suspense.
But instead, I uttered, “Yes!”
She inquired, “You alright?”
I replied in a sad tone, “I think so.”
She raised her eyebrows, “Really?”
Why is she speaking in one or two words? And what happened that made her talk again. I was totally fine with her, not talking to me and ignoring me. But why now? Please, don't do this. Let me love you as it is and please don’t give me a chance to hurt you again. I can’t bear that to happen. It feels like a knife stabbing me in the chest constantly.
“Yes.”
She blurted, “Do you know what? I see my pale face in the mirror every day and the lady in front of me shouts at me- Why are you still alive? And I just don’t have an answer to that. More than once, my eyes have been flooded with tears, more than once have I begged to die too, but this anguish doesn’t let me. Do you also feel that too, that feeling of wanting to die in these perverse times, just like me?"
I wanted to die more than anything, but I couldn’t see a tear in her eyes or be okay with her dying. How can I live without her when my heart is completely filled with her? That would be unbearable.
Rising from the ruins, as I have made her do, was not an easy task. I just can’t let her get back into it again. With a stone on my heart, I made up a lie again, a lie so that she continued to live.
“Do you know what, all these feelings are necessary to be afloat! This is not the time to be depressed, you need to believe in yourself, you can’t just surrender and let yourself be defeated. If it’s a battle, then we need to win it back. We need to learn about defence, attack, strategy and, believe me, we will prevail. Just believe in yourself.”
She suspected me, “Is it? And, why do you keep on loving me? Haven’t I hurt you enough too, knowing that it was completely not your fault as to what had happened?”
I vociferated, “No! Don’t say that! Everything that happened was my fault. I did it all.”
Why is she doing this talk now? I don't know why, but she is always trying to contradict what I believe to be true. Why do you do this? Is it to tease me, to judge me, to make me down knowing that I am wrong or to make me happy knowing that everything is possible in this world, just have some faith or is the reason someth
ing else? Why has it turned so hard to understand her now? Is it because my love was not right and pure? Is it because I never understood her completely?
“You know what? I have been thinking a lot these past few days, and I tried to forget everything that happened, but I just couldn’t. Though the effect those had on me has lessened a little bit. So, even though I still hate you, I don’t hate you that much now. I think you have gone through a lot, too; it was not just me. But, is there something that you are not telling me? So, please tell me if it is something that I should know or can help you with?”
How can I tell her all this and hope to make her experience the same sadness again? How can I make her go through all that, again? The problem with me is that I just can’t see her sad at all, and in the past many days, all she has been is sad.
Before marrying her, I was quiet and reserved, always trying to be in my shell. Now, where does the problem come from? The problem comes from when instead of just keeping my feelings inside, I let them all out. So, what do I do now? I just can’t go back to my previous self which she helped improve. Most of the time, I have wanted her to love me too, at least I hoped for it, but I forgot that not everyone is made the same, not everyone has the same priorities, the same activities, the same time going on. Why do I keep on forgetting this simple thing? What is my brain doing at this point? I think I shouldn't imagine so much. I am like how I am, and she is like how she is. There is nothing wrong going on here. It's just a lousy life happening. Still, it feels different. Like something is broken, a link is broken. I can feel it but is asking about it too much. Is it even the right thing to ask?
I am so confused, so tired, yet, I just don't know what to do? Is there a solution to this, I don't think there is? Because if I pester her or try to do it contrarily now, it would mean that I don't trust her at all, that I don't trust her decisions and that is not the case. I believe her more than I believe myself or anyone else. It's hard not to think after what all has happened. At this point I just want to ask her that, can you still love me again?
“Okay! Do you know what? I have always felt stronger, so much stronger with you than I had ever felt before. You have always initiated a series of actions that made me leave my comfort zone, think many steps ahead and take a get going attitude. You have made me happy, sad, confused, angry, tired, scream, laugh, you made everything about me. It was awesome while it lasted, and I would give anything to get back to those days. The days when no matter how exhausted you were, you would still come to me and discuss your day.
