“I understand.”
“I appreciate that. I love you, Matilda. I know I can’t make up for all those years of being an ass. Of not acting like a proper dad. Of putting Lavinia on a pedestal. But if you come out here and spend a few more days with us we can talk, we still have time.”
My insides twist with emotion as more tears make their way down my face. “I love you too, Dad, and I appreciate your saying those words. They mean a lot to me.”
“I’ve come to many realizations since I got sick. Things you already knew. Things I now know. It’s not about degrees, or bank account sizes, or what some might call success. It’s about kindness and happiness, a willingness to see others for what makes them happy. It’s about saying what you mean and meaning what you say. I don’t know how you figured all that out, but I don’t think it had a damned thing to do with me or your mother. I know you felt invisible growing up, but I see you, Matilda Pearl. I see what a beautiful, loving, passionate woman you are. I only wish I could be here on this Earth for longer to get to know you more.”
“Oh, Jesus.” I bite my lips as a sob blasts through them. “There were times that being invisible, while I joke about it being my superpower, helped me.” I let out a long breath. “Why did you hate me anyway?”
“I never hated you. You could never hate your own child. I suppose, though, I hated the way you seemed so strong about things, seemed like you didn’t need me…for anything. That made you faultless, too dangerous to show love to. I was too weak to admit or even realize it. You were your own gatekeeper, rearranging the stars while the rest of us were doing all we could just to get to them. I was pathetic, unable to notice how special you were.”
“That’s how you saw me?” I shake my head, losing focus for a second. “I always needed you. I thought too much.”
“Not enough for my ego, I suppose,” he says, chuckling. “You were always making beautiful messes, while everyone else was trapped in the confines of reality. That’s why you’re you.”
“I wasn’t always loveable. I do know that. I was playing with demons. Early on, my magic was…um…”
“Black?” Dad says in a half laugh.
“Yeah, you got that right. I did get out of my comfort zone a time or ten.” I grin.
“Sweetheart, you were born outside of your comfort zone.”
“I was ripped to pieces on the inside, wondering where you were for me.”
“I never would have known that,” he says softly. “Because you were taking what you wanted from life. That’s a great quality.”
“I miss you already.” My throat tightens. “I wish you were here.”
“Get here, Matilda.”
“Okay, Dad.” I sob, knowing what this means. “We’ll come.”
We end our call and I sink into a chair hoping to calm myself as my emotions soar. One second, I’m cringing thinking about the two of them flying over the cliff while holding hands. The next second, I’m smiling over the fact that my dad and I have finally connected.
“Deep breath,” I mutter as I take a sip of tea.
Footsteps clomp down the staircase shaking me out of my trance. I gaze at Balthazar’s smile, and it makes me cry harder.
“Hey, love.” He wraps his arms around me. “You look sadder than sad.” He chuckles. Then he clears his throat. “They’re doing what feels right to them.”
He crouches down next to my chair and I cry into his shirt. “I know they are. I mean… I get it. I’m going to try to get it. I wouldn’t want to do the hospice thing, either. But, selfishly, I guess I thought we had more time. I thought they’d end up here after they took the time they needed.”
“Believe me, I’m feeling everything you are. Every ounce of it.”
“Did Imogene tell you when they were thinking of…” I cringe. “What do we call this anyway?”
“Let’s come up with a happy name for it, okay? And no, I don’t have a date. Just soon, I guess. Did your dad tell you they were hoping we’d be there?”
“Yeah, sounds so morbid. The kids too, I don’t know. I’m not even sure how I’ll deal with it. The boys are too little.”
“You think them dying in bed all drugged to hell sounds like a better sight for the kids? I say we call it the ‘wild, blue yonder celebration of life’ and embrace it like they want us to!”
I huff out a breath. “This might take me a little longer to glom onto. You seem so okay with it. Are you?”
“Do I have a choice?” he says as his eyebrows squeeze together.
“Guess not. Shit! Okay, then. Here’s to the wild, blue yonder celebration of life.”
“Dad wants us to consider getting married before they do their thing. I’m not sure.”
Balthazar takes a sip of my tea then slides into the chair next to me. “Actually, I think it’s a great idea. Two huge rites of passage, why not?”
I lean over the table and rest my head on my fists. “Did I say morbid already? I see our wedding as a happy thing.”
“How about you try and see the whole event as a happy thing.”
“You’re a better person than I am.” I groan.
“Nah, I’m just trying to see it from their perspective.”
He’s so calm. I want to yell. I want to throw things. I want to control this situation. But I can’t.
38
Balthazar
What has roots as nobody sees,
Is taller than trees
Up, up it goes,
And yet never grows?
Mountain
Two weeks have passed and Matilda is still fretting over the celebration. We’ve decided to honor Everit’s request and get married before they drive off the Grand Canyon. This has only escalated her angst and now that we’re down to the wire and leaving in the morning to fly out west her emotions are on overdrive.
“What do you fear about this?” I ask Matilda as I sit on the bathtub edge. I reach into the water and grab her pruned foot. “Is it that you can’t stand the idea of us watching? Or is it that they’re going to die regardless of how it happens?”
“I’m not going.” Her violet eyes are rimmed in red as she whispers in a hoarse voice.
“Not going? So, that’s it?” I glance out to the hall. The boys are dressing the pigs in the clothing Matilda sewed them for Christmas.
“Please don’t push this,” she says as she sinks deeper into the tub. “I feel bad enough.”
I roll my eyes, and she frowns.
“Have you told your dad yet?” I ask.
Nodding, she reaches between her feet and pulls the tub plug. Then she focuses on the whirlpool.
“What did he say?”
“That he loves me,” she says quietly. “And, um, that he’ll see me on the other side.” She sobs.
“All righty, then. I can appreciate that you’re not going. I’m not judging you.”
“But you’re going?” she asks in a surprised tone.
I stand and hand her a towel as she rises out of the water. “I’m going.”
She wraps the towel around her body then tucks a corner of it between her breasts. “We were going to get married at dusk,” she says as if I’ve abandoned her.
From the doorway, I watch the boys. “And?”
“And, so now we’re not? You’re standing me up for them?”
“I wouldn’t call what I’m doing standing you up, love. We all agreed on this. You’ve made a decision to back out of it. I said I’m not judging you, but I feel like you’re judging me for going. I need to do this for my mom. It’s an important day for her and for me.”
Matilda drags a brush through her wet hair, then drops it into a basket of toiletries and grabs the lotion. “It was going to be an important day for me too.”
“And you decided to change it.” My voice gets louder the more agitated I become. “Don’t put this on me.”
“Don’t worry. I won’t. You go to the end-of-life party and I’ll go—”
“To your pity party,” I say. �
�You’re acting like a child now.” Matilda storms past me and out of the bathroom.
I follow her into our bedroom. “Please don’t push me away. This is as hard for me as it is for you.”
She drops her towel and slips into a nightshirt. I grab her shoulders to pull her against my chest.
“We’ll get married when I get back—anyway you like it. I need this. It’s all I have left with her. Four months are all I got with my mom, and I’ve tried to soak everything out of it. We have the rest of our lives.”
We’re both exhausted. It’s bedtime for the boys, and I’m flying out tomorrow. Matilda’s not pleased that I’m going, but there’s not a chance I won’t. I understand her reasons for not wanting to make the trip, and I appreciate how she feels I’m abandoning her. If anyone understands what abandonment feels like, it’s me. First my mother, then Lavinia, then Matilda. Thank god I got her back.
The big day for Everit and Imogene has arrived and my nerves rocket knowing what tonight brings. It feels strange thinking that in a few hours they’ll be gone. Even more strange is that Matilda isn’t here with me. I thought coming out here would be a relief, but as time crawls, I realize it isn’t anything close to that. It feels more akin to a sentence, though I’m clear that’s just my side of the story.
I put the boys down for an afternoon nap, thinking maybe I’ll take one as well. Unfortunately, my restlessness refuses to give in to my fatigue. I grab a beer from the mini fridge, needing some balm for my nerves, and head out to my balcony, which overlooks an indoor atrium with a swimming pool. Minutes later, a knock comes to the door, and my heart trips thinking it’s Matilda.
“Hey, Imogene,” I say, trying not to sound let down. Then I stamp a smile on my face. “Come on in,” I whisper. “The boys are napping. Join me on the balcony. Can I get you a glass of wine from the mini fridge?”
“Sure, sure,” she says as she runs her hands through her hair.
We sit on the balcony and sip our drinks. I glance down at the pool then back to her. “You doing okay?” she asks.
“Yeah, I’m cool. I’m happy for you and Everit. Don’t question me for a second.”
“I know you are. I just wanted to come over here and thank you for that, but I also wanted to talk to you about something.”
Her eyes fill as she drops her face into her hands. “I’ve been lying to you,” she says, reaching a trembling hand out to mine. I swallow hard waiting to hear some kind of life-changing news based on the sob that breaks from her throat. Is she not my mother?
My entire body stiffens with panic and I fold my arms over my chest. “Are you not my mom?” My voice comes out bitter.
“What?” Her hands fly up as her face crumbles and a dash of color shoots into her cheeks. “Oh god. No, I’m your mother. I promise you, I’m your mother. But I don’t have cancer.”
I shoot out of my chair as an uncontrollable smile springs to my mouth and my heart thrums. “You don’t have cancer? Why would you have lied to all of us, to him? Holy fuck!”
“I’ve been a hospice nurse my entire career,” she says quietly. “I’ve seen so much sadness, seen cancer destroy families, and conversely, I’ve seen it bring them together.”
I sit and slowly release a breath as her eyes brighten.
“I couldn’t tell you the conversations Everit and I have had, but dammit, I love that man.” She bites her bottom lip as her voice catches in her throat. “Finally, I meet a man I would do anything for, and he’s about to go over a cliff without me.”
I grab her arm. “He has no idea?”
“Oh, he knows I love him,” she says as tears slide down the sides of her nose, coating her lips. “He doesn’t know I’m not going with him tonight, doesn’t know I don’t have cancer.”
“Mom, Jesus.”
She sniffles. “Say that again. Call me mom,” she says through a sob.
I grab her shoulders and pull her tight against me. And shit, do I cry. “Mom, you’re going to live?”
“Yes,” she says quietly. “Forgive me for lying, but I thought…to give a man happiness, knowing I’d have the rest of my life to get to know my son… It seemed like a lie worth living. Don’t judge me for it, please. I’m so sorry, but when he told me he wanted to join me for my bucket list, something struck me. He wasn’t surprised, considering my sister had died of it. I just sort of blurted it out. I couldn’t take it back. Crazy, right? But I’m crazy for him. Why lie about something like cancer? But I swear, when I told him, knowing all the while I’d back out in the end, I don’t know… It made sense to me, and if you had seen his face… Maybe it bought him more time. Maybe it gave him a short lift to live longer. I want to think I gave him something.”
“You did. You gave him love and reason to be happy. I don’t care what you want to call it, crazy or not, a lie—who cares? I’m guessing he’d say it was worth it. Even the pain I felt knowing you were leaving was worth it. I forgive you. I… Mom,” I say through a cracked voice. “I’ve never told you I love you, but I do. And I forgive you. For everything. Everything.”
“Balthazar.” She weeps. “I’ll tell him, but not until we’re in the car. He’s ready, and I don’t want to change his mind. I’ll just tell him I’ve changed mine.”
I let out a sigh of relief as tears track down my face.
Imogene looks at me and busts out laughing. “You look like your father,” she says as her fingers find mine. We have a warm, connected moment until a familiar scream divides it. I lunge to the balcony rail, following my heart, and there she is. Falling headlong into the pool, her suitcase trailing behind her.
“Matilda!” I yell. When she surfaces, she waves her arms at me once she sees where my voice is coming from.
“Balthazar!” she shouts. “I’m marrying you tonight on the edge of the motherfucking Grand Canyon! You got that?”
If only I could jump over the railing to grab her, to hug her, to…
My mom’s hands land on my shoulders. “Go. I’m here for the boys. Go get your girl. Grandma is here. I’m here to stay!” Then she gives me a sideways glance. “Not a word to Matilda,” she scolds.
“Mom’s the word.” I chuckle.
“Mom,” she repeats with a tear-filled nod and grin. “I love you, Balthazar. I’m so grateful. Now, go! Go get her!”
39
Matilda
An arm points north, east, south, then west.
Ever in circles, never pausing to rest.
It passes its brother twenty-three times,
As the sun passes by and the moon starts to climb.
A Clock
Two days. And it was too much. Too much missing Balthazar, too much realization. Too much need for forgiveness and clarity and a whole bundle full of things that had me so riled up that I was ready to fly to the moon and back. Duke and Alfie flew west with me, my two rocks as I navigated all sorts of internal turbulence while the airplane managed its own. I was marching through the hotel atrium, en route to Balthazar’s room, when I tripped over some kid’s flip-flops. Then splash!
“Dammit, Lucille!” I shrieked as I tripped into the pool, nearly landing on a woman. My suitcase did not abandon me. Welcome to the wild, blue yonder.
As for how I got here in the first place? Well, my dad called me today at the crack of dawn, letting me know he wouldn’t be going over the cliff with Imogene.
“What?” I screamed, nearly pissing myself in excitement, thinking I’d have more time with him.
Then he explained how his low white blood cell count was a manageable autoimmune disease that his doctor had pinned on cancer. A mistake?
After Dad and I had a happy cry fest, my thoughts immediately went to Balthazar. Shit, there he’ll be, watching his mother go over that cliff. Alone. God, I felt selfish, even more than I’d felt the last two days. Needless to say, that was my final push.
My dad swore me to silence. Not for anything was I allowed to say one word about him not going over the cliff. He was going to tell Imogene
in the car. He loved her so much that he couldn’t bear to tell her before then. He knew she was ready, and all he wanted to do was support her. Dad was in love, and it crushed me to hear him talk about how they had connected and how it would end tonight.
“Matilda,” Balthazar says, grabbing my soaked body along with my drenched suitcase.
“Fancy meeting you here, Ricky.”
We laugh, but seconds after, I remember that Imogene is going over a cliff tonight. What will that do to him, and why did it not terrify me two days ago? I know why. I was blinded with fear.
“You came.” His smile is giant.
“I came. I love you, I’m marrying you tonight at dusk. You, Balthazar,” I say beside his ear. “You.”
He grabs my waist and spins me around. “Matilda…fuck yes! I’m marrying you!”
How could he possibly be so excited when his mother is driving off a cliff to her death tonight?
The cool wind whistles around us as Balthazar and I stand holding hands at the edge of the Grand Canyon. Our eyes brim with tears after we break apart from our kiss, newly married. Next to us are Imogene, Dad, Duke, Alfie, Molly, and the twins. A shiver of emotion runs through my body knowing what’s coming next.
“Marry me,” Dad blurts out, crashing through the momentary silence. “Imogene, marry me.”
Balthazar squeezes my hand as I gasp and look at Imogene then my dad.
Her lips quiver and her eyes fill. “Everit?” she says after a few seconds.
And then they start talking over each other.
“I need to tell you something—” he says.
“No, please… Let me—” she interrupts.
“Imogene.”
“Everit.”
I can’t do it,” Dad says.
How To Tame Beasts And Other Wild Things Page 24
