“H-he left,” Honor stuttered, crossing her arms over her chest defensively. “Ice thought it would be okay, but I can see it isn’t. I’ll just ca-,” she began, her hand fumbling in the pocket of her slim fitting slacks, looking for her cell phone.
“Wait,” he ordered tersely, reaching out to gently capture her wrist in his hand. “You’re here of your own free will? Because you want to be?” Zeke asked, afraid to hope, watching as she nodded wordlessly.
“Yes,” Honor replied, her voice a bare wisp of sound.
Zeke’s stomach flipped as she lifted her tearful gaze up to meet his eyes. “I came to say I’m sorry, and to tell you that you win.”
“I win?” he repeated dumbly, rubbing his thumb in soothing circles against the inside of her wrist.
Honor nodded. “You win. I’ll do the therapy with Bree if that’s what you want. At least, I’ll try to do it for you. I’ll make a good, honest effort,” she promised again, her voice breaking this time. “Just come home with me, Zeke. Please? I can’t sleep without you there. The nightmares…Diego tries to help, but he’s not…he’s not you,” she begged, clutching the pocket of his jeans tightly with her free hand. “I don’t think I can keep going without you. I know that I told you that I thought I hated you, but I was just mad….”
“Honor,” Zeke murmured gently, releasing her wrist to slide his hand up her arm until he reached the curve of her neck. Her pain was killing him, and it was obvious that she was sorry. And as much as he appreciated the apology, the important thing was that she’d finally accepted that she needed help. He wasn’t thrilled that she was doing it to get him to forgive her, but the end justified the means and he’d take what he could get. Right now, he just wanted to rejoice in the fact that not only was she willing to forgive him, but she wanted him back in her home and under her roof.
“… I wanted to make somebody else hurt the way I was hurting, and you were the easiest target….”
“Baby, listen to me,” Zeke tried to interrupt her, his heart breaking as he watched a tear slide town her cheek.
“…It was wrong and stupid and mean, and if you never want to speak to me again, it’s probably exactly what I deserve, but….”
“Kitten, that’s enough,” Zeke finally cut her off, raising his voice just enough to get her attention.
Sniffling, Honor’s blinked up at him. “No, please… let me finish. Zeke, I don’t know where all this will finally lead us. I can’t tell you that I can be what you want. I don’t know if I can. But I wanna try to be normal for you.”
Lifting a hand to cradle her delicate jaw, Zeke tenderly pressed his thumb against her parted lips. “Stop right there, Kitten. There’s something I need you to understand and that’s that normal is just a cycle on the dishwasher that doesn’t even get the plates clean half the time.”
Cocking her head, Honor sighed. “Zeke…”
“No, it’s my turn to talk now, darlin’,” he interrupted sternly wrapping his arms around her waist and drawing her toward him. “Honor, I don’t want to turn you into something you’re not. You’re already what I want, and you’re right, you’re anything but normal,” he shared, feeling her stiffen in his arms. “What you are is extraordinary. Real. Genuine. Special. If you ask me, you’re a bona fide miracle. Or more specifically, you’re my miracle. I don’t want you to see Bree because I want you to be any different than what you are. I want you to talk to her so that you can start to heal the wounds you carry on your heart. Don’t get me wrong; I’m thrilled that you’re willing to go talk to her. I just don’t want you to ever think that I wanted you in therapy because I wanted you to change. I don’t, Kitten. I want you to be a stronger version of exactly who you are.”
“So, you’ll forgive me then?” Honor asked shakily, squeezing her eyes closed as she waited for him to answer her.
Seeing his girl’s beloved face pinched with anxiety as she closed her eyes, her wet eyelashes resting against the faint blue bruises under her eyes, Zeke sighed. Seeing her like this gutted him. She needed his reassurance, and he needed her to understand that there was nothing she could ever do that would make him give up on her. Drawing her down on his lap with one arm as he sat down in one of the white wooden Adirondack chairs positioned where they could look out over the mountains, he held her firmly against him while he took off his brown Stetson and dropped it on the deck beside him. “Only if you can forgive me for putting you on the spot the way I did. Swear to God, baby, I was trying to make you see how many people love and depend on you. I would never intentionally try to humiliate you like that.”
“I know, Zeke. And truly, there’s nothing to forgive you for,” Honor remarked huskily as she sat perched on his lap, not resisting his touch, but not quite relishing it either. “I was just so ashamed. Having my family and friends see me like that. Knowing they all knew all the dirty details about everything that’s happened to me. It was more than I was ready to face. I can see now, though, that you were trying to do what was best for me. These last few days without you or my sisters around…I’ve had time to think. More time than I was comfortable taking. It was overdue, I know, but I never took it before because I was afraid to mull over things that were painful to reflect on. Avoiding it though…it doesn’t make it disappear. When you weren’t there to help me battle my nightmares, though, I finally understood why you wanted to get me to accept help so badly. It’s because those bad dreams are never going to go away until I face my demons, isn’t it?” he heard her ask in a subdued voice as she reached out to toy with the cross he wore around his neck. It was a gift she’d given him several Christmases ago. He never took it off, considering it his most prized possession.
“You’re finally getting it, Kitten,” Zeke praised softly, dropping a kiss against her temple as he silently celebrated the progress she was making.
Offering him a sheepish smile, Honor stared at the necklace she’d given him. “I can’t believe you’re still wearing this,” she noted meekly.
“I always have it on me. You gave it to me. That alone means I wear it constantly,” Zeke stated simply.
Honor’s fingers faltered on the cross pendant. “I mean that much to you?”
“You mean more,” he replied earnestly, sweeping his hand up and down her back.
She met his direct gaze with honest eyes of her own. “You know, no matter what, it’s going to take me some time before I can tell you if we could…maybe… be together the way other couples are,” she explained shyly, her cheeks turning a rosy hue that this time had nothing to do with anger. “Are you sure you want to keep waiting on me, Zeke? Everybody, including me, would understand if you decided I wasn’t worth the trouble.”
“Kitten, I don’t know why you can’t understand this, but I’ll say it again. I’d rather travel through Hell with you a thousand times than go to Heaven once with anybody else. I’d wait for you forever; that’s how sure I am that we were always meant to be each other’s evermore. You just hold onto me and I’ll hold fast to you, and we’ll get to the other side of this journey. The ride might be hard, but the destination will be worth the pain.” Gazing at her hopeful face, he’d never been more convinced of the truth in his words.
Honor was his light at the end of his very long tunnel, and he’d do anything to reach her.
Anything at all.
Part Three
Chapter Sixteen
May 2016
9:15 am
Honor
Sitting beside Zeke on the ugly, but functional, brown loveseat inside the small office of Dr. Aubrey Daniels early one May morning nearly a week later, Honor fidgeted nervously, mindlessly worrying a patch of dry skin on the back of her hand as she stared at the frosted glass of the closed reception window. She’d checked in with the office girl as soon as she arrived, slightly shocked to find that it was a girl that had been in her graduating class with her.
Cheyenne something-or-other. Mills? Mayson? It had been something that began with an M. She recalled the
girl being friendly enough back then, popular, but not obnoxiously so. Many years ago, Cheyenne and a group of other girls from school had visited Honor in the hospital, but beyond that, Honor couldn’t remember much else about her. Currently, she couldn’t help wondering what the woman was thinking of her now. Was she curious as to what had finally brought Honor in here seeking the doctor? Was she judging her for needing help? Would she go gossip to all her friends about seeing her here? This was a rather small town where they lived. If she couldn’t count on the office staff to be discreet, her personal business would be all over Paradise by mid-afternoon, and that thought scared the stuffing out of her.
“Kitten,” Zeke rumbled, his voice vibrating against her ear, “You keep scratching at your hands, you’re gonna rub them raw,” he chastised, covering her hands with his and stilling her fingers. “What’s going on in that pretty head of yours, baby? You were fine on the drive over here.”
“I know,” Honor said with a deep sigh as she stared down at where his big hand gripped hers, grateful that he’d been willing to rearrange his day to accompany her to her first appointment with Bree. “It’s just that I knew the girl at the desk.”
“So?” Zeke grunted, glancing at the sliding window separating them from the office area. “Was she rude?” he growled, already leaning forward in his seat, poised to read the riot act to somebody.
“No. No, it’s nothing like that. I went to school with her and I could tell she recognized me. I’m just…you know, a little worried that the fact that I’m seeing a shrink will be all over town by nightfall.”
“Babe, there’s no shame in seeing a therapist, but if it makes you feel better, I’m pretty sure that even the clerical staff has to adhere to patient confidentiality. Legally, I think her ass would be toast if she went running it all over Paradise for shits and giggles. Not to mention, she won’t win any fans in local law enforcement, including your very protective friend, the sheriff. I have it on good authority that guy can be a real asshole when he wants to be.”
Honor couldn’t help her giggle at his blunt assessment of his character. It was bull. Everyone liked Zeke. Well, every law abiding citizen, anyway. But his easy manner went a long way toward relaxing her and not for the first time, she was thankful that Zeke had forgiven her for being such a witch to him. Since she’d swallowed her pride and sought him out to apologize, they’d been nearly inseparable. If he wasn’t working, he was within shouting distance of her, and couldn’t deny that it pleased her to have him so close. In the last couple of weeks, she’d slept much better and her appetite had returned. She’d gained back three of the ten pounds she’d lost, and the shadows under her eyes had faded. Even she could admit (even if it was only to herself) that Zeke had been good for her, their relationship improving a little more each day that they spent together. “Thank you for coming with me, Zeke,” she whispered quietly as she leaned against his side, his arm tightening around her shoulders.
“Wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else, Kitten.”
“I still have the jitters,” she admitted in a low voice as she looked at the closed door to Bree’s office again fretfully. “What if I freeze up in there and can’t answer her questions. You know I sometimes do that.”
“She’ll wait until you can answer her then,” Zeke reassured her evenly. “Babe, this is gonna go at your pace. Nobody is gonna rush you. I swear. I wish you’d reconsider letting me come in there with you. At least the first couple of times.”
“No,” Honor denied softly. “This is something I need to do on my own.” Shooting him a sweet smile, she added, “I know where you are if I need you, Zeke, and I promise that if I need you, you’ll be the first to know it. For now, let me try this on my own. It’s enough to know you’re out here supporting me.” Honestly, she wasn’t sure what kind of feelings these sessions were going to stir up and the last thing she wanted was to strike out at those she loved again. It’s the reason she hadn’t allowed any of her sisters to come with her. She didn’t want to unintentionally hurt anyone. Especially when things were just now getting back to normal within her family.
For days after she’d gone back to the café to apologize to her siblings, they’d handled her carefully, considering every word they uttered before they allowed it past their lips. Sure, they’d accepted her ‘I’m sorry’ at face value and forgiven her, but they all knew something had changed in the family dynamic. Mostly because Harmony, Faith and Patience all knew there was a grain of truth to Honor’s hurtful remarks and those poison barbs had struck a nerve in each woman. It was going to take time for all of them to feel comfortable sharing with each other again. Honor had told each sister that she’d agreed to seek counseling from a professional, and they’d fully backed her decision, but none of them were pushing the issue with their youngest sibling, choosing to remain silently supportive without vocally encouraging her.
Except for her Aunt Orla. That elderly woman, as usual, had plenty to say.
In fact, Honor’s treasured aunt had been perfectly frank with her when she’d shown up at the restaurant the day after she’d reconciled with Zeke. Orla had been thrilled to find them together (even if Honor wasn’t yet completely classifying themselves as a couple) and had boisterously proclaimed that it was long past time for her baby girl to take the stick out of her butt and get busy with the business of living. And while Honor might have been slightly mortified by her kin’s behavior, she’d loved her aunt’s unapologetically outspoken, albeit a bit intimidating, personality.
Shifting in the curve of the arm Zeke had draped around her shoulders, she hummed happily when his warm palm cupped the back of her neck, stroking the tense muscles gently, but firmly. Over the last two weeks, she’d gone from simply being able to tolerate Zeke’s warm touch to outright enjoying being in his arms. Especially in the evenings when they’d curled together on the couch in front of the television and his strong arms held her while they watched whatever program caught their attention that night. In his embrace, Honor finally felt safe and secure, for once untroubled by thoughts of the faceless threat currently stalking her. Zeke’s presence had allowed her to let her constant guard down for a bit and simply be content with his company.
Even better was the fact that she’d grown to enjoy the very end of the night the most. Those times when he’d walk her to her bedroom door with an arm around her waist and pause just outside the entrance to her room. She still got goosebumps when she thought about that first night he’d stayed with her after they’d forgiven each other.
~~~**~~~
Yawning as the end credits rolled slowly across the screen on the movie they’d just spent the last two hours watching, Honor felt Zeke squeeze her gently to his side. “You still awake, Kitten?” she heard him rumble quietly, her cheek vibrating against his chest at the sound. For the last hour, she’d finally been able to rest, cuddled tightly against him with her head pillowed against his chest, and it was the best she’d felt in a long time.
“I’m still up,” she mumbled, tilting her head back to smile sleepily at him. “I must be getting pretty heavy though,” she lamented as she began to withdraw from his body.
“Like hell you are,” Zeke grunted, his arm contracting around her shoulders to pull her back down on him. “If I wasn’t touching you, I wouldn’t even know you were laying in my arms. A strong wind could blow you away, woman.”
Inexplicably pleased by his ready denial, her smile widened. “You’re sweet,” she whispered, her body warming as she watched his mouth smile at her.
“I’m truthful,” he countered, as his palm stroked her back. “We need to put some meat back on those lovely bones of yours,” Zeke continued as his hand slid down her side to find the dip in her waist – a dip that had gotten much deeper during the days they’d been apart. “I don’t want you getting sick again, baby. Your body’s been through an awful lot this year and you’ve spent enough time in the hospital.”
Leaning her forehead against his chest, Honor sighed as she hid
her grin against his shirt. “While I agree wholeheartedly, I’ve got to ask. Do you ever quit worrying about me, Sheriff?”
“Not lately,” he answered bluntly, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head as his fingers tightened on the curve of her waist, “So, do me a favor and try to help me out.”
“Starting tomorrow, I promise that I’ll make an effort to eat more,” she offered dutifully as she slowly pulled away from his warm body to stand. “Right now, though, I think it’s time for me to say goodnight. I’m actually tired for a change. Are you sure I can’t make up the bedroom upstairs for you, Zeke? After sleeping in your own bed the last five nights, are you sure that my couch isn’t gonna wreck your back? I don’t wanna make you regret agreeing to stay with me again.”
“That could never happen, Kitten,” Zeke responded with a shake of his head as he stood up in front of her, wrapping an arm around her as he guided her toward her bedroom at the back of the house. “Besides that, I might have been in my own bed, but I barely slept at all. I just tossed and turned and worried about you. If I’d known you were struggling with the nights just as badly here by yourself, I can guarantee you that we’d have been apologizing to each other a whole lot sooner,” he replied as they came to stop just outside her bedroom door. Gently slipping her hand in his, he laced their fingers together as he gazed down at her.
“Diego was here; I wasn’t completely alone,” Honor muttered as his right hand encompassed hers and wove their fingers together while the other hand slid into the hair at the back of her neck, urging her head back to look at him.
“Diego – as much as I trust him - wasn’t me, darlin’,” Zeke countered, staring down into her eyes as his lips grazed hers. “When it comes to keepin’ you safe at night, I’m the only man I want anywhere near you.”
Man of Honor (Passion in Paradise Book 4) Page 25
