Marcie, the shopaholic with the abusive husband, didn’t want to let a cleaning crew into her house. Her son, Jordan, had called me about doing this job, and against my better judgment we arrived on Marcie’s doorstop without first talking with her. (This was early in my cleanup career, and I hadn’t learned yet that this type of cleanup rarely works.) Jordan said that he had not been in the house in almost twenty years. But he knew there was a big problem because one of his sisters had been allowed far enough into the foyer to see the extreme clutter on the main floor.
So I ended up waiting on Marcie’s doorstep for two days. The first day I mostly stood on the porch and talked with her through a crack in the door. The second day we sat outside and visited for about an hour, and eventually Marcie opened the door so I could have a peek inside. It was an aggressive situation. What I could see were piles of clothes, trash, books, and stacks of shopping bags nearly to the ceiling.
Once we finally got inside, I judged that in terms of volume, Marcie’s may still be in the top five most packed houses I’ve ever seen. I estimated that there were more than fifty tons of stuff, all piled up with little valleys that were used as walkways through each room.
A hoarder who is surprised by a crew of cleaners—be they family members or professionals—isn’t going to react well. Even though Marcie eventually let us in, the two days I sat idle on the doorstep cost Jordan a lot, in more ways than one.
In an already unpredictable situation, if a cleanup crew moves too quickly, the hoarder’s anxiety level rises. Because she was caught unaware, Marcie didn’t really fully grasp what was going to happen. The three days that we spent easing Marcie into the idea of a cleanup were necessary, and even though she relented—and was even positive and upbeat for the most part—a confrontation with her husband brought the whole process to a halt.
Even under the best circumstances and with full support, a hoarder who isn’t really ready may feel overwhelmed by the loss of control and just shut down. The more the hoarder feels threatened, the more likely it is that he or she will blow up and order everyone out of the house, and out of the hoarder’s life. An ambush, in the end, simply confirms a hoarder’s belief that people can’t be trusted.
So, before any successful cleaning starts, the hoarder has to be ready. Family members are anxious to get started long before the hoarder is, but pushing just doesn’t work. The best thing everyone can do is what Roger’s sisters did: wait until the hoarder is ready, even if that takes years.
The waiting is critical, but it can feel unbearable. The anxiety and worry can pull families apart as they descend into bickering, blaming, and name-calling. Many stop speaking to one another. Ironically, all of that energy comes from concern—family members want to help, but without a clear plan, they get frustrated, and that frustration can come out in negative ways.
Fortunately, there is something more productive to do during the waiting period. That’s the perfect time to fully assess the situation, learning more about what causes it and what will be involved in a cleanup. This is a critical step toward building a cleanup effort that will stick. Hoarding cleanup is a huge job, so big that the people involved (including the hoarder) only want to do it once in a lifetime.
▶ The Intervention
The difference between an ambush or secret cleanup and an intervention is subtle but important. In an ambush the hoarder may be taken by surprise—or surprised when he or she returns home to see the deed has been done—but the hoarder does become part of the process. Interventions are usually forced when a state of imminent danger exists, or they are prompted by outside authorities. Whatever action is taken is done even though the hoarder may resist.
Some hoarding situations have strained a family’s patience and resources to the breaking point—and an intervention is the only solution. The hoarder may have medical issues that mean he or she needs live-in or home health care. Or the hoarding progresses so far that local authorities—child, adult, or animal protective services—get involved. Under the worst circumstances, a building is condemned and the hoarder is forcibly removed. When a situation attracts that kind of outside involvement, it almost always involves a Stage 5 hoarder, who inevitably opposes a cleanup.
Given such extreme circumstances, the priorities set by family, friends, professionals, and the authorities move from simply supporting the hoarder to remedying a sometimes life-threatening situation. If the hoarder is facing the threat of having his or her children removed, then an intervention can be an option for putting the children first and finding a way to keep the family together. Usually there isn’t any pretense that the hoarder is in charge of the process.
An intervention is the option of last resort and is usually a major decision. It can’t be undone. Interventions should only be undertaken after serious thought and preceded by family meetings, consultation with a therapist or hoarding specialist, and discussions with the authorities. Aside from the physical issues of the cleanup, any concerns about the hoarder’s mental state (depression, severe anxiety, or suicide) should be discussed with a therapist or specialist before the intervention. This is a really big deal, and an apology will not fix this decision after the fact. Families choosing this option need to appreciate and prepare for all of the consequences, including a complete rejection by the hoarder.
4
THE PLAN: LAYING THE GROUND - WORK
A cleanup is not a linear process, with one step leading neatly to the next. Every situation has its own course that requires a lot of patience, insight, and flexibility to navigate. But each cleanup needs to include some key elements in order to succeed.
Whoever instigates the cleanup, which in most cases is a close family member but which can be a friend or professional, will need to answer these questions, among others:
What am I dealing with in this situation?
Who are all the people involved? (Spouse, children, friends, and neighbors)
How can I get the hoarder on board with this cleanup?
Who will help me?
What are the expectations and goals we should have?
Is there a timeline that we need to follow for the cleanup?
What happens if the best-laid plans go awry?
ASSESSING THE CLEANUP
In the previous chapters of this book, we looked at the what, who, and why of hoarding, which provide the foundation for building an effective effort. Each situation is unique, but by identifying each part of the problem, you can determine the best overall approach.
The optimal cleanup looks like Roger’s: The hoarder is involved because the family has patiently coaxed him in that direction. By the time he is ready to start, the family has a plan in place to be able to move ahead. Roger’s sisters spent quality time assessing the situation and determining how the cleanup could take place.
Kathy knew what her parents’ house looked like, but even she was surprised when the team showed up for the first cleaning. Roger’s hoarding had spread throughout the house, and she wasn’t expecting to see the extent of the clutter. Hoarding can move quickly after trauma.
Kathy knew that she could handle seeing her parents’ house a mess. But some other family members might have gotten too upset, so it was important to make sure that everyone involved was prepared—and that whatever they might feel about Roger’s part in creating the mess would be held back. If there is a family member who tends to get anxious or angry, is easily grossed out or overtly critical, that person is not the right one to assess the condition of the house or to help during the cleanup.
Someone does need to visit and determine the severity of the hoarding and what’s being hoarded, so that the planner can figure out how other team members might be helpful. It’s great if this is someone who can stay in touch with the hoarder and visit again, to reassess when cleaning time is near.
Even if Roger had not been cooperative, the plan that his family put in place was flexible enough—and they were patient enough—to let things take their course withou
t undue pressure.
An important part of the plan—and perhaps the most obvious one—was how to actually accomplish the cleanup. Roger’s family felt that they could take care of things themselves since many people were willing to pitch in to help. They had determined in advance what needed to be done. They knew the extent of the hoarding, what was being hoarded, and the potential value (or otherwise) of the stuff that filled the house. But, like all best-laid plans, when things didn’t go quite as intended, they were able to step back, adapt their schedule, and give Roger the time and space he needed. As Roger’s sisters learned, cleanup plans can sometimes take years to implement. Patience and acceptance are critical tools for anyone who works with a hoarder.
WHO’S AFFECTED BY HOARDING?
There is rarely an instance of hoarding that doesn’t involve many people, directly or indirectly. The impact can be very far reaching, from family and friends to neighbors and even total strangers. Whoever initiates a cleanup needs to be aware of who falls within the circle of damage and how they are affected. As the attempts to organize a cleanup move forward, there can be many unexpected—and often unpleasant—surprises for the unprepared. On the other hand, knowing who is involved, even tangentially, in the hoarder’s life can prove invaluable in formulating a plan that works to the benefit of everyone.
▶ Living with a Hoarder
The stakes are obviously high for people living with a hoarder. It’s difficult—and futile—to give an ultimatum, such as “If you don’t clean up, I’m leaving!” because someone who lives with a hoarder may have no other place to go. It’s also personally risky calling the authorities, because they might threaten to take away the home. But at the same time it’s impossible to escape the clutter.
People who share a house with a hoarder live in a perpetual state of struggle: On one side is their love for the hoarder and their need to have a home. On the other is the awareness that this isn’t a healthy, or even safe, way to live. There are no easy answers to how to navigate this issue.
▶ The Hoarder Spouse
Nika, the clothes hoarder, had a husband who was furious about her hoarding. She not only bought clothes for herself, but for him as well—to show that she cared. But all Andre wanted was a clean house and more quality time with his wife. He didn’t understand why she couldn’t just get her priorities straight: If she really loved him, she’d try to get her hoarding under control. Because Nika seemed to be choosing her clutter over Andre, he felt alienated. He also felt trapped by the piles of stuff in the house, which was so cluttered that they couldn’t even eat a meal together. The only space in the entire house large enough for the two of them to sit was on the bed.
Anyone who is married to a hoarder will benefit from therapy, since this situation goes far beyond just living in a messy house. Not only will therapy help in coping with a very difficult living situation, but it sets an example that can encourage the hoarder to seek treatment also.
At some point, the living conditions may just become intolerable. Then things really shift toward intervention, which is the action of last resort, because that’s when the hoarder’s spouse has to put himself or herself first. To maintain mental health and physical safety—and when all other courses have failed—the spouse may finally have to call the local zoning board or adult protective services. That’s the time to be absolutely open with the hoarder and declare that the situation has become impossible and that a change is inevitable. It’s not an empty ultimatum if the hoarder’s spouse plans to actually follow up.
Imagining the worst-case scenario is scary: Authorities may condemn a house and forcibly remove the family. That is, however, one of the ugly realities of hoarding left unchecked. Just as with many other mental illnesses, hoarding can break families apart.
But even this drastic action can be done with love—or rather, tough love. A mother of a child who is hooked on drugs realizes that at some point she has to stop bailing her child out. It’s the same with hoarding. Without appropriate action, a situation can turn into one of codependency or enabling. And sometimes the best course is a split. But it is important for both the spouse and anyone who is trying to initiate a cleanup to remember that the spouse didn’t break up the marriage; it was broken up by the hoarder’s unwillingness to try to change.
▶ Children of Hoarders
Children who grow up in hoarder houses aren’t necessarily hoarders themselves. Beth was seventeen and so overwhelmed by her mother’s lifetime of hoarding that she finally called child social services herself to see what her options were. Beth was leaving for college the following year, but her sister and brother were only twelve and ten. Beth felt obligated to save her siblings and hadn’t been successful in her previous attempts to remedy the situation.
Child Protective Services advised that under such extreme circumstances the minor children could be removed, but they could not promise that Beth’s siblings would be kept together, so Beth confronted her parents one last time with the threat of bringing in CPS. Her parents told her they would never speak to her again if she broke up the family, and Beth backed down.
Over the next six months nothing changed, and Beth canceled her plans to go away to school and enrolled at a local community college so that she could live at home and protect her brother and sister. But a few months after starting her freshman year, Beth dropped out of classes, started to drink heavily, and suffered from depression.
This story didn’t have to have a sad ending. Children living with hoarders can’t be expected to understand the nature of such an illness. And they shouldn’t have to take on the responsibility for trying to remedy the situation, like Beth. Children like Beth feel ashamed, helpless, and marginalized. They grow up not learning how to clean or even tidy up. They never learn how to sort their possessions so that each goes into its own special place. They also don’t learn how to set limits on the items they keep, and this lack of boundary setting can have ramifications throughout every aspect of their lives.
For anyone who takes on the task of spearheading the cleanup attempt, understanding the confusion and concern that children of hoarders have is an important aspect in formulating a plan that will have the best results and keep the family intact.
▶ Hoarders’ Neighbors
No one wants to be the busybody neighbor. But in the case of Rick, the information hoarding professor, it took a complaint by a neighbor to the city officials to get him into the system and to get him help.
Social services are there to help people, not to punish them. Sure, other government bodies may fine a hoarder or take more drastic measures. But without that initial call, Rick’s situation might have gone on for much longer, and with much more serious consequences. Even then, it was almost a year from that first phone call until the cleaning crew arrived at Rick’s house.
Rick’s neighbor didn’t call the city constantly, and he didn’t start a war with Rick. Rick was a nice guy; he probably wouldn’t have lashed out, but some hoarders take great pride in antagonizing their annoyed neighbors. Sometimes that’s the only power, and interaction with others, that a hoarder has. I have worked with hoarders who knew the local ordinances and laws better than the authorities did, and they delighted in pushing the limits.
Those who live near hoarders are stuck with smells, eyesores, and declining property value. Selling a home near a hoarder is doubly challenging. Unfortunately, there aren’t many options in this situation. Knowing that the hoarder has a mental disorder doesn’t really help minimize the problem.
A neighbor is rarely the person to spearhead an intervention, and legally speaking it’s better to avoid any negative communications with a hoarder. The best approach is to contact city or county officials. And be aware that solutions won’t happen quickly or smoothly, especially if the hoarding is advanced enough for neighbors to notice.
But for those who are tackling the issue, being aware of the history of interaction with neighbors—and, for that matter, with city or county officials—i
s essential. (We’ll talk more about intervention by the authorities later on.)
GOALS AND EXPECTATIONS
Setting mutually agreed upon goals and managing expectations helped keep Roger and his family on track. (We’ll talk more about setting goals collaboratively with a hoarder in the “Talking with Hoarders” section that follows.) Roger’s sisters started off with the hope that he would end up in a clean house, living a normal life, pretty much as they did. But they quickly realized that Roger had such deep-seated issues that they had to adjust their expectations. Roger struggled in social interaction. At first we thought he might have Asperger’s: His sisters said that while he had trouble making direct eye contact and carrying on a normal conversation, those symptoms had worsened after their parents had died. But as he bonded with our crew and his confidence grew, we realized that probably wasn’t the case. Still, his sisters began to consider that Roger might never be able to recover completely from hoarding. Although he was a young man, his hoarding, and the deep-seated issues that had been driving it, meant that he might not be able to live completely alone and might never have a spotless house.
For a late-stage hoarder, “recovery” may only be a tidy room or two, with no more new items coming into the house. Such a hoarder may enjoy a safe, comfortable life but will probably never be completely clutter-free. Setting realistic expectations for both the helpers and for the hoarder is critical. In Roger’s case it was important for everyone to adjust their expectations since the initial goal was to prepare the house for sale and move Roger to another home. His sisters stopped focusing on the ideal of Roger living alone, in a clean house, with a full-time job, even though Roger wanted to live alone and wanted to find meaningful work. They all came to accept that he could probably live alone with someone checking on him daily, and that he might find work through a program that included on-the-job training. They all agreed on achievable goals for Roger—not what most people would call “normal,” but much better than the life he was living with his hoarding.
The Secret Lives of Hoarders: True Stories of Tackling Extreme Clutter Page 8
