This is also a good time to divide up the job and decide who will be working on what part of the cleanup. The team leader should remind everyone that the hoarder is the boss, which is one more way to reinforce trust throughout the cleanup. Any team members who come later in the process should identify themselves to the hoarder so that the hoarder knows they belong there and aren’t just curious onlookers.
Someone should always be designated to be the hoarder’s advocate. This is a particularly challenging job and may fall to the person who knows the hoarder well, has the hoarder’s confidence, and can empathetically represent his or her interests.
Team Colors
EVEN WITH A team of all volunteers, we like to make sure everyone wears the same color shirts to show uniformity. While reinforcing the “team” concept for the cleanup crew and the hoarder, the shirts also represent a big step for the hoarder, who has not been a part of any group in a long time. Hoarders who work hard that first day earn a Clutter Cleaner T-shirt, making them part of our crew. We don’t hand out freebies; they only get the shirt when they give 100 percent effort.
▶ Dates and Scheduling
Most of the hoarders with whom I work try to cancel their cleanup at least once. Even when they are finally committed to the big day, I often find them unprepared. The hoarder may delay the start in order to “tidy up” a bit before the crew enters the house. And it is the job of the designated point person, or team leader, to remind the hoarder that they are there to work on the cleanup together.
Advanced hoarders have often been evicted from a condemned property and are living elsewhere. They often arrive late for the cleanup: Sometimes they are genuinely running behind, but I’ve figured out that some hoarders are testing to see if they really have control of the situation. They need to see that the crew waits for them to begin a cleanup. Starting without the hoarder being present, or getting angry because a hoarder is late, just reinforces the hoarder’s mistrust. Without trust, the cleanup will go straight downhill.
I start each cleanup day with a meeting of everyone on the team who will be involved that day. Even if the team is just the hoarder and a helper, the meeting reinforces the message that this cleanup is serious and confirms that the hoarder isn’t in this alone. We recap the previous day’s accomplishments, lay out the new day’s plan, and answer any questions.
▶ Goals and Expectations
“Our goal here today is for Margaret to clean her house up and get her dogs back.”
Each day may start with a meeting, but more important, it begins with a reminder of the goals and expectations to which everyone has agreed. Starting on a positive and supportive note reminds hoarders that although they may be feeling anxious, they have chosen to take this action to get a result that is meaningful to them: to keep their house, get their kids or pets back, be able to invite friends over, or reconnect with their family.
This is also a good time to review the schedule and logistics for the cleaning crew, which rooms to tackle first, and what will happen if we fall behind the schedule. We also have to remind ourselves of deadlines that have been imposed, such as those enforced by city or county officials or health and welfare services. And don’t hesitate to remind everyone not only of the positive goals but also of the negative consequences—fines, loss of the home, or other unfortunate outcomes.
Timeline goals are what I call “we” goals: The entire team, not just the hoarder, takes responsibility for cleaning the house in the time allotted. If that deadline has to be extended, while it’s often 100 percent the hoarder’s fault, it is better to take responsibility as a team. Hoarders who understand that they are not alone in the process are more likely to succeed.
During the cleanup, the team will want to refer to the life goal frequently, to keep the hoarder on track. Whenever a hoarder starts to waffle, drag his or her feet, or hang on to too many items, it’s time to remind the hoarder of the overall goals, and what must be done to reach them.
▶ Homework
To get a good sense of realistic goals, it’s critical to find out what hoarders are able to do on their own. During the cleanup, we roll out the idea of “homework,” giving the hoarder a small task to complete overnight, maybe sorting through one box, or taking out three bags of trash. If the hoarder is able to follow through on this homework, that individual probably has enough self-discipline to work with checklists after the cleaning is done. If a hoarder doesn’t respond to homework, then the hoarder’s issues are probably deep enough to require serious support in the form of therapy, an organizer, or a cleaning helper before the hoarder can work through a checklist alone.
Each hoarder should have different homework that’s tailored to that hoarder’s particular issues. No matter what the homework, every hoarder needs to do those assignments every night, both during the cleaning and afterward, just like in school. The point of homework is to build the discipline of doing something to stay clean every single day.
▶ The Fire List
All hoarders have several key items that they want to locate and keep. Rick was looking for his house deed and employment letters. Daisy knew she had some savings bonds in her house. Aimee wanted to find her mother’s pearls. Margaret hoped we could find her hearing aid and a missing pair of glasses.
Hoarders should write down everything they would want to keep if there was a fire, limiting the list to the front of one piece of paper. While we don’t want to add to hoarders’ anxiety, we do actually make them go through the exercise of trying to find and gather the items on the fire list in two minutes—the time they would have if the house was on fire. This process proves to hoarders that they can’t actually find important items in that limited time frame. It also helps hoarders be selective in limiting the number of items. Making a list helps the hoarder learn and internalize organizational skills instead of just being told what and how to do something by family or friends.
Whatever the items, no matter how silly they may sound, they are gold to the hoarder. Finding them proves to the hoarder that the cleanup is effective and reinforces the hoarder’s trust. Usually a hoarder knows roughly (sometimes exactly) where the items are, so everyone should be made aware not only of what’s on the list but any clues that the hoarder provides as to their whereabouts. (We print copies of the fire list and tape it to the walls in every room, or make sure every team member has a copy.)
Creating a fire list on the first day—and reviewing it each day during the job—not only makes it more likely you’ll find the items, but also confirms to the hoarder that his or her wishes are being taken very seriously. The hoarder will realize that the entire team is there to find what the hoarder feels is important. When those items are uncovered, stop the cleanup and celebrate! Make sure everyone shares the feeling of success, because moments like that can get a team through a tough job.
▶ Process and Logistics
Everyone needs to know what the order of work will be—where the work will begin, what priorities have been set, how long everyone will be working, and so on. The logistics of the cleanup should be spelled out clearly, such as where items will be staged, where trash will be piled, and which door to use to enter and exit the house.
The Legacy Cleanup
WHEN JIM DIED, he left behind a house full of hoarded paperwork and collectibles for his three adult children to clean up. The kids were prepared—they knew the house was bad. Jim, who had been a well-educated preacher, had spent his life collecting memorabilia and historical collectibles from black history.
Jim’s children had tried on occasion to get their father to clean, but they respected him too much to start a fight. His house, although eight of the ten rooms were filled, was still safe. And up until his death he had been pretty selfsufficient, even after his wife had died and cleaning was the least of his concerns.
Under the circumstances, Jim’s family decided to leave him alone, but they knew that when their father died they’d have to clean and sell the house. In preparation for t
hat eventuality, they asked their father if there were specific things that he would like the children—or anyone else, for that matter—to have. It was sort of an informal part of his will and the children assured Jim that they’d respect his wishes.
After Jim passed away, his sons and daughter went through a mourning period. Because they couldn’t handle the emotions of the cleanup on top of the loss in their family, they closed up the house and let it sit for about a year. Had they jumped into cleaning right away, it would have been tempting to keep a lot of Jim’s things, especially because so many of them were actually valuable historical items.This is one way I see hoarding passed from generation to generation.
For Jim’s family, the waiting period turned out to be a good thing, because after a year had passed they weren’t as emotional, and they were willing to let more items go. First, they finalized the cleanup plan. Then they divided up the items that Jim had already designated to go to certain family members. For the rest, they drew straws and took turns choosing additional things they wanted to keep. After that, they organized a big yard sale. For them, that was almost like a big party. They had all grown up in that house, and the neighbors came by to reconnect and pick up a few mementos.
The sorting, cleaning, and yard sale could have been really stressful, because a legacy cleanup presents some unique challenges. Without the hoarder present, there’s no one to give the cleaning crew clues as to where valuables may be hidden (which is often the case with hoarders). And unless there’s a single surviving family member who’s been designated to be in charge, things can get dicey if the family starts squabbling over stuff. On top of this, the emotional issues for family members who’ve lost a loved one need to be considered.
A family doing a legacy cleanup has to agree on what the goal is and how to get there.The planning process can take longer and be more contentious without the hoarder, since the overall purpose isn’t always clear. One family member might want to sell the house, another might want to live there, and yet another might not be ready for cleaning and just want to wait. This kind of cleanup runs more smoothly the more time a family puts into assessing and creating a careful and equitable plan.
Team members need to know if any parts of the house aren’t being cleaned or if there are rooms off-limits, either for safety or structural reasons, or for privacy issues. And everyone needs to know where the hoarder will be working, so they can find that person to ask questions.
Any cost issues are usually private, between family members and the hoarder, or discussed with whoever is paying the bill. The actual numbers may be confidential, but it is helpful for members of the team to be aware that some decisions may be determined by the cost. Rick, for example, initially wanted to shred his paperwork, but when the estimate was over $20,000, he decided to just have it hauled to the dump for recycling. The team didn’t need to know the price, but they did need to know about the change in plan.
As with every aspect of the cleanup, reviewing the plan logistics with the hoarder as well as with the team in advance will create trust and lower the likelihood of drama as the cleaning unfolds.
DEALING WITH HOARDER REACTIONS
No cleanup will work unless everyone is aware of the many emotional and psychological issues that can delay or derail even the best-laid plan. I knew, for example, that Aimee felt really anxious about anyone entering her bedroom, so I made sure the team respected that and asked her permission each time someone went in.
If a hoarder has specific mental issues and is open about discussing them, then early in the cleanup is a good time to mention it. Say the cleanup is for an OCD hoarder who has to touch every item. The plan should try to build that awareness in as much as possible. The team leader can remind everyone, including the hoarder, that although the OCD is a legitimate issue, the hoarder might need to work on giving up some control if the job is to get done by the deadline. The team leader should use positive reinforcement, such as saying, “Lucy had a really tough day yesterday; we want to acknowledge that she made some hard decisions. Great job, Lucy.”
As the cleanup progresses, the morning meetings provide a good opportunity to give the hoarder lots of encouragement and praise for his or her participation, especially in front of family members. Cleaning is challenging, and hoarders are working on new skills as they go through it. Positive feedback helps reinforce that.
Every hoarder has issues, even if it’s a Stage 1 hoarder like Brad, who was attached to his computer stash. Going over those issues will alert team members to possible behaviors that could pop up during the cleaning.
Once the cleaning begins in earnest, many of the underlying psychological and emotional issues that plague a hoarder may surface in unexpected ways, with lots of drama and probably some panic. During cleanup, helpers are not only stripping hoarders of their possessions, but also removing a comforting behavior that has made up for a lot of hurt.
There’s no such thing as too much praise for a hoarder who is trying to de-clutter. Extreme hoarders have felt like failures for years, maybe decades, and it may take a while for them to accept the praise. The solution is to pour it on—not false praise, but sincere acknowledgment for the hard work they are doing. Appreciation is something everyone wants in life, and it’s no different for a hoarder. Ironically, that need for appreciation is something that has usually fueled the hoarding.
A hoarder’s behavior during a cleanup is driven by a sometimes fragile emotional state that is best navigated with social workers, therapists, or clergy. But family members can also get on board and really help once they know what the process is likely to dredge up.
▶ Freaking Out
Being clean scared Aimee. She didn’t know where anything was in her newly cleaned rooms. Suddenly, she was losing control of the stuff that she’d kept cataloged in her brain. Every evening after the cleaners left, we learned, Aimee would become irrational and start looking for things that randomly came to mind. Because many of these things had already been moved or discarded, when she couldn’t find them, she called me. Realizing what Aimee was going through, I made her daily call a part of her process. I told her that while I fully expected her to call me, she had to do so before 9:00 p.m. This arrangement allowed her to accept and own her behavior, but also put some limits on it.
The freak-out is actually a good sign. Many hoarders have literally built a wall of trash around themselves to mentally and physically protect them from the real world. A cleanup crew is tearing down this wall of protection. A hoarder who shows no emotions at all is probably not processing the cleanup seriously. Chances are that the house will be full again very soon.
▶ Stonewalling
At first, Nika, a Stage 3 clothes hoarder, didn’t engage in the cleaning process at all. She sat like a lump on a pile of clothing in the living room and wouldn’t even talk to the cleaning crew. I could see that she was refusing to face the fear and anxiety of the cleaning. She was retreating away from reality. So I pushed over one of her piles.
It was an eight-foot stack of clothing and shoes, and I “accidentally” hit it with my hip, hard. When it came tumbling down, Nika lost her cool. She jumped up to grab her things and start piling them back up, all the while yelling at me to quit messing with her stuff.
My goal is always to get a hoarder engaged in a positive way, but if that doesn’t happen then I’ll accept their anger. After my little accident, Nika realized that working with us was the only way to protect her valuables, and she joined in the cleanup. Knocking over her beloved pile may not have been a textbook psychological move, but it did get Nika to do things she hadn’t done in years: engage, take control, and make decisions.
The hoarder has usually been avoiding emotions for so long that getting back in touch with them is scary and painful. We want hoarders to reconnect with their emotions, and expressing anger is often the first step toward that goal. Anger is a powerful emotion, but it is often better to vent it than to succumb to a more debilitating and paralyzing emotio
n, like grief or fear.
Being the brunt of a hoarder’s flash of anger can be scary and upsetting, but remember that the hoarder is actually angry at himself or herself. Hoarders may not even realize it, but by yelling at those around them, they are actually venting their frustration with having let their life become so out of control.
▶ Lashing Out
Some hoarders choose to be alone because they have lost someone in the past. On the surface it looks like a hoarder wants to be alone, but the truth is the hoarder doesn’t want to get close to someone else and risk another loss or death. I see this often in older women, like Margaret, who put on a “tough” persona. They’ll start cussing and fighting and calling me bad names right away. I call this reaction “the rattlesnake.”
Fighting like this has kept the rattlesnake isolated and safe from contact, so she tries it again with the cleaning crew. To the hoarder, getting rid of people is much easier than the risk of attaching to them. From our experience, it appears that the more anger a hoarder releases during a cleanup, the deeper the hoarder’s fear and hurt. It’s critical to stick with the cleaning so hoarders realize that not everyone abandons them.
When a “rattlesnake” hoarder starts yelling, she is trying to suck the cleaning crew into a negative interaction. She is doing what has always worked in the past—get angry, yell, and make people leave. She’s testing us.
It’s the cleaning team’s job to stay positive and not get sucked into that game. The crew might need to step outside and take frequent breaks. Even if the hoarder is obviously the one who needs to take five, I always say it’s me. I tell her that she’s doing great and may not need it, but I’m exhausted and need a quick break. Then I go out and take some deep breaths or vent to one of the other team members (out of the hoarder’s earshot, of course).
The Secret Lives of Hoarders: True Stories of Tackling Extreme Clutter Page 13
