One evening she approached him as he was leaning over the boat’s railing, alone, standing guard, staring at the grey waters of the Rhine.
‘Are you worried?’ she asked him.
‘Like always. We’re heading for a completely unknown territory.’
‘Don’t think about it. We’re all together, and we’ll face whatever awaits us. Isn’t that a comfort to you? When you and Romulus were up in the mountains, I was so distraught. I kept trying, in my mind’s eye, to follow your every step; I imagined the two of you alone, exposed to all the perils of the forest, hunted down by your worst enemy . . .’
‘As I was thinking of all of you. You, especially. I couldn’t get you out of my mind, Livia.’
‘Me?’ Livia repeated, searching out his eyes.
‘I’ve always thought of you, I’ve always desired you, since I saw you bathing in that spring on the Apennines; you were like some woodland divinity. I’ve always suffered, every moment I’ve been separated from you.’
Livia felt a shiver under her skin, and it wasn’t the northern wind: it was this sudden, unexpected glimpse into Aurelius’s soul as he bared his emotions in such a seemingly casual way.
‘Why couldn’t you open up to me?’ she asked. ‘Why haven’t you ever let me know how you feel? Why did you always push me away when I tried to talk to you about my feelings, closing me out of your heart? My life has no meaning apart from you, Aurelius. I know, I’ve made my mistakes, too. I’ve loved you since the first moment I saw you, and yet I tried to deny it. I wanted to be strong, to resist, to hide my emotions, even from myself. I thought my love made me weak and vulnerable, and if there’s one thing that life has taught me it’s never, ever show any kind of weakness.’
‘I didn’t want to reject you,’ said Aurelius. ‘I wasn’t afraid of opening up to you. I was afraid of what you might have seen inside me. You don’t know what goes through my mind, what kind of hell I suffer, how I have to fight off the ghosts. How can I tie myself to another person if I’m divided inside? If I’m terrified that at any instant I could remember something that would change me completely, make me a stranger to myself, a hateful, despicable stranger. Can you understand what I’m trying to say?’
Livia lay her head on his shoulder and felt for his hand. ‘It won’t happen: you are the man here with me now, the man I’ve come to love. I look into your eyes and I see a good, generous person. It doesn’t matter to me any more whether you are truly who I think you are; the man that little girl swore always to remember. I don’t care what might be hidden in your past, no matter what it is.’
Aurelius straightened up and stared into her eyes with a mournful expression. ‘No matter what it is? Do you know what you’re saying?’
‘I’m saying that I love you, soldier, and that I’ll always love you, no matter what destiny has in store for us. Love is fearless. It gives us the courage to face any obstacle on our path, to overcome pain, and disappointment. Stop tormenting yourself. The only thing I want to know about you is if you feel for me what I feel for you.’
Aurelius held her close and kissed her, searching out her mouth with thirsting lips. He embraced her as if his body could express the emotion that he couldn’t find words for. ‘I love you, Livia,’ he said, ‘more than you can imagine. The heat that I feel in my soul right now could melt all the snow and ice that surrounds us. Even if everything is against us, even if my future is a mystery no less agonizing than my past, I love you as no one could ever love you, in this world or in the next.’
‘Why now?’ asked Livia. ‘Why did you choose this moment to tell me?’
‘Because you’re here close to me and because my solitude – on these frozen waters, in this suffocating fog – is unbearable. Hold me, Livia, give me the strength to believe that nothing will ever separate us.’ Livia threw her arms around his neck and they held each other close, as the wind tousled their hair into a single dark cloud in the pale light of winter.
*
As their last day of navigation approached, the boatman anxiously watched the clumps of ice floating on the surface of the river.
‘Your fears were well founded,’ observed Ambrosinus, drawing closer. ‘The river is icing up.’
‘It seems so,’ nodded the boatman, ‘but luck has it that we’re almost there. Tomorrow, towards evening, we’ll cast anchor. I know a tradesman from the Germanic port on the eastern bank who could have taken you as far as the river’s mouth, but I’m afraid all navigation will be suspended until the waters start to flow freely again.’
‘That won’t be until the spring, will it?’
‘Not necessarily. The temperature can change during the winter as well. You could find a place to stay for a while and wait. Who knows, this ice may be short-lived; you may be able to continue your journey soon on another vessel, all the way to the Ocean. The first day of clear sailing you’ll be on your way to Britannia.’
They dropped anchor on the right bank, opposite Argentoratum, just in time. The northwest wind had picked up, strong and very cold, and ice floes pushed up against the side of the boat with an ominous thud. The boatman looked at the haggard band of fugitives and felt sorry for them. Where would they go, without knowing the territory, the roads, the safest routes, in the very heart of winter, with its blizzards and storms, ice and hunger? He said, as Ambrosinus reached for his bag to pay him, ‘Forget it. I’m lucky that my load arrived in such good condition, and this northern wind will take me home much quicker than I expected. Keep that money for yourselves. You’ll need it. Tonight you can stay on the boat; it’s surely safer and more comfortable than any tavern in town, and you don’t want to show your faces around just yet. Your enemies may be here waiting for you.’
‘I thank you,’ replied Ambrosinus, ‘in the name of all my companions. Given the circumstances, a friend is the most precious thing we could wish for.’
‘What will you do tomorrow?’
‘I thought we’d cross to the other side. Our enemies won’t have anyone to count on there, and perhaps we’ll be able to find help. We’ll head towards the Seine and travel by boat to the channel of Britannia.’
‘Seems like a good plan.’
‘Why won’t you take us across to Argentoratum now?’
‘I can’t, for a number of reasons. I have to wait here for a load of skins from the interior, but what’s more, the wind is against us, and the floes of ice carried by the current could easily sink us. You’re better off travelling along the shore and looking for a passage further on. If the temperature rises tomorrow, you may even find a ferry willing to take you across.’
‘I suppose you’re right.’
Ambrosinus gathered his companions and shared his plans for the following day. They decided that one of them would stand guard that night in any case. Vatrenus offered to take the first shift and Demetrius the second. ‘I mounted guard many a snowy, frozen night on the Danube,’ said Demetrius. ‘I’m used to this weather.’
As darkness fell, the boatman went ashore and didn’t return until late that night, calling out to Vatrenus who was on guard. Juba, fettered and tied to the bow railing, snorted softly. Livia was just arriving with a steaming bowl of soup for Vatrenus; she took a handful of barley from a bag and fed it to the horse.
‘Where are the others?’ asked the boatman.
‘Below deck. Any news?’
‘Yes, unfortunately,’ he said. ‘Come below as soon as you can.’ He went down to join the others, holding a lantern.
Livia followed him and he began to speak: ‘The news I have is not very reassuring, I’m afraid. Strangers have recently arrived in town, and from their description and their behaviour they may be your pursuers. They’re enquiring about a group of foreigners who they expected to come ashore this evening, and there’s no doubt it’s you they’re looking for. If you go into town, you’ll be quickly identified. They’ve promised a reward to anyone offering information, and there are people in this town who would sell their mother for a
handful of coins, believe me. What’s more, I heard from a man coming from the north that the river is completely frozen over at just twenty miles from here. Even if I wanted to take you further, it wouldn’t be possible.’
‘Is that all?’ asked Ambrosinus.
‘Seems like enough to me,’ observed Batiatus.
‘Yes, that’s everything,’ confirmed the boatman, ‘but we have to keep in mind that they’ll recognize this boat: they saw us close up, and there’s no mistaking the heap of rock-salt at the centre of the deck. It’s pitch dark now, so they can’t see anything, but they’ll find us at first light. I intend to unload the salt and load up my skins before dawn and to set sail as soon as I’ve finished. I don’t want them setting my boat on fire. I never would have believed that they could get here before us. They must have ridden day and night without stopping, or maybe they found passage on a faster boat than this barge. One day, if we ever meet up again somewhere in the world, I’d be curious to know where all their tenacity comes from, but there are more important things to be decided now. That is, how to save your skin.’
‘Do you have any suggestions for us?’ asked Aurelius. ‘You know these places and these people much better than we do.’
The boatman shrugged.
‘Maybe I have an idea,’ said Ambrosinus, ‘but we need a cart, immediately.’
‘A cart? That’s no easy matter at this time of night, but I do know a place where they have them for hire. In theory you have to return it twenty miles from here, but they certainly won’t be bothered by the loss of a cart. They earn enough to pay off the cost after two or three trips, so you needn’t have any qualms. I’ll go and look into it; you get ready. Can I ask you what you’re planning to do with a cart?’
Ambrosinus lowered his head with an embarrassed look: ‘You’d be better off not knowing; I’m sure you understand.’ The boatman nodded and went above deck. He soon disappeared into the maze of roads that stretched out from the port.
‘What are you thinking?’ asked Aurelius.
‘We’ll do as the Franks did thirty years ago. We’ll cross on the ice.’
‘At night, without knowing whether it will hold us?’ asked Batiatus, eyes wide with apprehension.
‘If someone has a better idea, let’s hear it,’ said Ambrosinus.
No one spoke.
‘Then we’re decided,’ concluded Ambrosinus. ‘Prepare your things, and someone go above to let Vatrenus know.’ Demetrius volunteered, but Romulus jumped up first. ‘I’ll go,’ the boy said. ‘I’ll take him some more soup.’
Romulus had just gone above deck when they heard scuffling noises, and then Vatrenus’s voice shouting: ‘Stop! Stop, where do you think you’re going?’
Ambrosinus immediately realized what was happening and called out: ‘Run after him, for the love of God!’ Aurelius took off and bounded up the stairs, followed by Livia and Demetrius. Vatrenus was already on the pier, running and shouting: ‘Stop right now! Stop I say!’
The others dashed off after him and found themselves at the junction of three roads, each leading in a different direction.
‘Vatrenus went down the middle,’ said Demetrius. ‘I’ll go right, you and Livia go left: we’ll meet back here as soon as we can.’ They could still hear the faint sound of impetuous running in the distance, along with the call of Vatrenus’s voice. They all flew off in swift pursuit. Aurelius and Livia soon reached a fork in the road and were forced to separate. Demetrius was running uphill along a road that he imagined to be parallel to the one Vatrenus had taken. He looked everywhere, searching every corner, but the night was very dark and it was like looking for a needle in a haystack. Livia and Aurelius had no better fortune. They met up, panting, at a crossroad.
‘Why did he do it?’ demanded Livia.
‘Can’t you understand? He didn’t want us to have to go to all this trouble for him. He feels we’re risking too much for him and wanted to relieve us of the burden.’
‘My God, no!’ exclaimed Livia, trying to hold back her tears.
‘Let’s keep looking,’ said Aurelius. ‘He can’t have got far.’
*
Romulus had reached a little square with a tavern, and he stopped. He thought he could go in and offer his services, cleaning and washing dishes in exchange for room and board. He had never felt so alone and anxious, and the future scared him, but he was sure he’d done the right thing. He took a deep breath and was about to walk in when the tavern door swung open and one of Wulfila’s barbarians walked out holding a lantern. Three more followed and they all started walking in his direction. Terrified, he spun around to run the other way, but bumped up against someone standing behind him. A hand grabbed his shoulder and another covered his mouth. He tried to wriggle away, ever so frightened, but a familiar voice said: ‘Ssh! It’s Demetrius. Quiet. If they see us we’re dead.’
They backed up without making a sound and then Demetrius set off at a run, pulling the boy after him, towards the port. Ambrosinus was waiting for them, his face a mask of anguish as he gripped the boat’s railing, flanked by the other two men.
‘What have you done!’ he cried as soon as he saw the boy. He raised his hand as if to slap him, but Romulus didn’t blink and looked him straight in the eye. Ambrosinus perceived the dignity and the majesty of his sovereign in that gaze, and he dropped his hand. ‘You put everyone’s life in danger. Livia, Vatrenus and Aurelius are still searching for you and running a deadly risk.’
‘It’s true,’ confirmed Demetrius. ‘We nearly ran into Wulfila’s men. They’re roaming the town, out looking for us, evidently.’
Romulus burst into tears and rushed to hide below deck.
‘Don’t be too hard on him,’ said Demetrius. ‘He’s just a boy, forced to face emotions and decisions that are much bigger than he is.’
Ambrosinus sighed and returned to the railing to watch for the others. He heard the boatman’s voice instead. ‘I found a cart for you,’ he said, walking up the gangplank. ‘You’re lucky, but you have to go and fetch it now. The owner wants to close up and go to bed.’
‘We’ve had a problem,’ answered Demetrius. ‘Some of us are still stranded in town.’
‘A problem? What kind of a problem?’
‘I’ll go with him,’ said Ambrosinus. ‘You wait here and no one move, for the love of heaven, until we come back.’
Demetrius nodded and remained on the look-out to await the others, along with Orosius and Batiatus. Vatrenus showed up first, and was soon joined by Livia and then Aurelius. They were frantic.
‘Don’t worry,’ said Demetrius, ‘I found him, what a miracle! I think he was about to enter a tavern. Another step and both of us would have finished in the hands of Wulfila’s cut-throats.’
‘He wanted to enter a tavern?’ asked Aurelius. ‘Where is he now?’
‘Below. Ambrosinus chewed him out.’
‘Let me go,’ said Livia, going below deck.
Romulus was curled into a corner, crying softly, with his head on his knees. Livia approached him and touched him gently. ‘You had us scared to death!’ she said. ‘Don’t ever run away again, please. It’s not you who needs us. It’s us who need you, can’t you understand that?’
Romulus lifted his face and dried his tears with the sleeve of his tunic. Then he stood up and hugged her tight, without saying a word. They could hear the sound of wheels on the cobblestones outside.
‘Come on, now,’ urged Livia, ‘get your things. It’s time to go.’
30
THE CART WAS ALREADY on the wharf and Ambrosinus was busy paying the driver, subtracting the price of the horse. ‘We’ve already got one,’ he said, ‘as you can see.’ Aurelius was leading Juba by the bridle down the gangplank, to replace the skinny nag in the shafts.
‘By all the saints in heaven!’ said the cart driver. ‘It’s a waste putting him to the cart! I’ll give you two of mine, what do you say?’
Aurelius didn’t even look his way as he began to adjust th
e towing harness around Juba’s neck.
‘He’s like a brother for him,’ said Demetrius to the driver. ‘Would you exchange your brother for two of these nags?’
The cart driver scratched his head. ‘If you knew my brother, you’d give him away for a donkey,’ he said.
‘Let’s get going,’ urged Ambrosinus. ‘The sooner we leave the better.’ The others climbed on to the cart after having thanked the boatman and taken their farewell. They sat on some boxes pushed up against the sides. An oilcloth was draped over the hoops formed by several curved willow branches, providing a little shelter and hiding them from view. Livia curled up under a blanket with Romulus. Aurelius came around to the back. ‘I’ll walk,’ he said. ‘Juba’s not used to pulling a cart, he might become restive. You try to get some sleep.’
Ambrosinus clasped the boatman’s hand. ‘We are very grateful,’ he told him. ‘We owe our lives to you and we don’t even know your name.’
‘That’s all right, one less thing to remember. It was a good crossing, and I enjoyed your company. I’m usually all alone for the whole voyage. I believe you’re going to try to cross over the ice?’
‘Not much choice, I’d say,’ admitted Ambrosinus.
‘I think you’re right, but be very careful. The ice is thicker where the river current is slower. So on the straight stretches, the danger lies in the centre, while on the river bends, the ice is thinnest at the outer part of the curve. Cross one by one, leaving the horse for last with the empty cart. Once on the other side, head northwest. In a week’s time you should reach the Seine, if the weather’s not too bad. It will all be much easier from there on, at least I hope so. May God assist you.’
‘You too, my friend. One day you’ll hear tell of this boy, who you’ve seen so tattered and tormented, and you’ll be proud that you met him and that you helped him. Good luck for your return.’
A last hand shake and Ambrosinus stepped up into the cart with the help of Orosius. They pulled up the board at the back and fastened it to the sides. Demetrius shouted to Aurelius: ‘We’re all in.’ The cart started off, creaking and clattering over the cobblestone wharf, and disappeared into the darkness.
The Last Legion Page 33
