The wound splits, broken,
Seeping from fragile skin.
CHAPTER FORTY
When Jackson left the community center without so much as a word, Tegan and I rode back to my house with Mark. I barely even noticed Mark’s jarring driving. My mind was too preoccupied. Somewhere in the back of my mind I was grateful that my first fight with Jackson wasn’t over something as ridiculous as cottage cheese, but I realized that might’ve been easier; at least in that case words were exchanged.
Back at home, everyone kept asking about Jackson. I wasn’t entirely sure how to explain. I couldn’t tell them we’d had a fight because, technically, we hadn’t fought. In the end, I told them he had to get back home because he had to work the next morning. Only Mark and Tegan knew this was a fib, but it wasn’t a wholehearted lie; Jackson did have to work. Only I knew that really wasn’t why he’d taken off.
Normally, Jackson would call during his lunch break when he had to work during the weekends. Sometimes we’d make plans for later; other times he’d apologize over and over again as he informed me he’d promised his evening to Jordan or one of his other friends.
When I didn’t hear from Jackson the next day, around the usual time he took a break, I decided to call him. It rang a few times before going to voicemail. Since I knew Jackson always answered his cell phone—unless he didn’t recognize the number or didn’t want to speak to whoever was calling—I became certain I was being given the silent treatment, which, in my eyes, was akin to a fight.
As much as it bothered me, I found I couldn’t blame Jackson entirely for not wanting to talk to me. I’d been snippy with him, and looking at his actions in retrospect, he really hadn’t done anything so terrible. If my parents hadn’t been just a few seats away, my reaction might not have been so extreme. I probably still would have felt uncomfortable with the PDA, but, aside from a few boob gropes since Valentine’s Day, Jackson had never acted that way before; I wasn’t at all used to that kind of behavior.
When I confided in Tegan, explaining what exactly had happened, she grimaced. “I don’t know what to say, Sil.”
I really hadn’t expected her to since her experience with the opposite sex was about the same as mine. She and Mark were only just at the kissing stage of their newfound relationship.
“I don’t think we’ll go much further anytime soon,” she’d confessed when we spoke about it. “At least not until there’s some sort of commitment.”
I didn’t bother to point out that I was certain Mark was wholeheartedly committed to her. I wasn’t sure Tegan was ready to hear that. Sometimes she still seemed confounded that she and Mark were even dating at all.
With no insight from Tegan on Jackson’s sudden spur of grabby behavior, I was left to me own devices to sort it out. I tried to think around it, but the most obvious answer was Jackson was a horny, teenage guy. If so, it only made sense he’d be all over me since I was his girlfriend. Still, that didn’t sit well with me; I wasn’t sure I was ready for much more than letting him put his hand up my shirt.
I hadn’t thought of it much since our first date when we discussed it, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that Jackson was more experienced than me. From the way Stevie and Skylar talked, not having sex for an extended amount of time was akin to drug withdrawal, so the discovery that he might want something more wasn’t so surprising.
I cared about Jackson. A lot. It might have even been love. I couldn’t say for sure. Too many adults were quick to say, “You’re too young to know what love is.” I wasn’t about to run off and proclaim any deep feelings of adoration prematurely. Still, despite my feelings for Jackson, I wasn’t sure I was ready to have sex with him.
Even though we’d been together for a little over three months, which was longer than most people waited to have sex these days, it just felt too soon. Sex was a big deal, and I wasn’t about to take that step simply because everyone else was doing it.
I spent most of Saturday driving myself crazy trying to sort it all out. As much as it pained me to do so, I finally decided I needed advice from someone with experience. With that in mind, I went to find Skylar since she seemed the least likely to freak out. Mom and I might’ve been bonding more as of late, but I had no intentions of bringing her into this discussion. Luke was also out of the question. He was likely to do something drastic and see to it that Jackson and I never consummated our relationship.
I found Skylar in her room. She was changing into her work clothes without any thought for closing the door before doing so. I wasn’t sure why it was my luck to walk past her room while she was underdressed, but it always seemed to work out that way.
I rolled my eyes at the sight of her prancing about in her work shirt and undies. “Hey,” I greeted as I stepped into the room.
“Hey,” she said, distracted as she looked around the room. I walked over and sat on her bed. “I’m going to be late for work,” she muttered. I couldn’t be sure if she was speaking more to me or to herself.
“Sky, can I ask you something?”
“Make it quick.” She still wasn’t paying much attention to me. “And where the hell are my work pants?”
I glanced around, but I didn’t see her pants anywhere. Her room wasn’t nearly as messy as mine, but it wasn’t the most organized either. She had a lot of painting and drawing supplies scattered about while clothes were left in various piles around the room.
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I don’t see them.” I bit my lip, wondering if this was the best time to talk to Skylar. Still, I knew if I didn’t do it now, I might lose my nerve later. I took a deep breath before asking, “Skylar, how did you know you were ready to have sex?”
That stopped her dead in her tracks and she turned to face me. “Why are you asking that?”
“Just curious,” I shrugged.
She eyed me suspiciously, as if she didn’t believe me, but she didn’t call me out on the lie. After a moment, she shrugged. “I don’t know. I just knew.” She shrugged again. “It seemed right, like I was ready, and it just happened, you know?”
No, I didn’t know, but I nodded anyway. It wasn’t exactly the most profound advice, but I should have known to expect as much from Skylar. Despite the fact she hadn’t been a total wench over the last few months, she was still Skylar, which meant she still suffered from bouts of self-absorbed bitchiness. Sighing, I stood to leave as Skylar’s eyes lip up.
“There they are!” I watched, amused, as she rushed over to the bed and picked up the khaki pants she was required to wear to work. “You were sitting on them!” She glared at me.
I rolled my eyes and shrugged as I headed back to my room.
Talking to Skylar seemed pretty useless. “Just knowing” seemed like such a copout. I wanted to know how she knew, but Skylar didn’t seem inclined to share. I was right back at square one, feeling frustrated and flustered.
If only I knew what to do. I was sure I hadn’t handled things well with Jackson. I’d never actually voiced my aversion to PDA. It was unfair of me to assume that he just knew. Also, I wasn’t exactly a prude when we were in private. I hated to think I’d been giving him mixed ideas.
Still, I hated not talking to Jackson. It reminded me too much of those months earlier when we’d gotten our signals crossed. I’d thought we were past that, but I remembered how Jackson had walked away when I confronted him about the situation with Skylar. Maybe that was just the way he handled things. I couldn’t be sure, but I knew I didn’t like it. I wanted to get things sorted out and back to normal, but I wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Tegan and Mark had a date; otherwise, I’d have invited Tegan over to hang out. Not that I was the best company. I distracted myself through the evening by watching Lifetime movies. I indulged in chips and chocolate for dinner since Mom wasn’t around to ask what was wrong or reprimand me for substituting junk food for an actual meal because she and Dad went out to dinner with friends.
When I ran out of things to watch, I headed up to my room,
deciding to go to bed early. With Mom and Dad out, Skylar at work and Luke with friends, the house was shockingly quiet. It was reminiscent of those first days after Mom went back to work. Bizarre as it was, it felt too quiet, and I couldn’t find sleep when I closed my eyes.
I considered turning on the light and reading for a while, but I stared into the darkness instead. The light switch was by the door, and the book I was currently reading was sitting on my desk. Turning on the light and getting my book would take far too much energy to move.
Finally, my thoughts began to clear and my eyes grew heavy. I couldn’t say how long I was asleep, but I was startled awake by the blinding brightness of the overhead light. Groaning, I squinted and moved my sluggish hands to shield them from the glow.
“Silly?”
I recognized Skylar’s voice and grunted.
“Listen.” The bed dipped as she seated herself on the edge. “I was being a jerk earlier.”
I rubbed my sleepy eyes and sat up slowly. “And you felt the need to wake me up to tell me this?” Managing to open my eyes without being blinded, I looked at her.
“I lied earlier,” she sighed. “I didn’t ‘just know’ I was ready like I said, but it did just happen.”
I stared at Skylar, wondering why she’d felt the need to come and tell me this. She seemed to read my mind, though, because she went on.
“I wanted you to know the truth,” she explained. “I don’t want you to do the same thing I did. I was caught up in the moment, and I don’t think I ever realized how quickly things could go from one to the other until that night.”
“Was it a mistake?”
“Yes and no,” Skylar sighed. She shrugged one shoulder and pursed her lips, as if to consider her words. “It probably could have happened under better circumstances, and I know I could have been better prepared, but I don’t regret who it happened with.”
I nodded. That made sense.
“What I really wanted you to know was that I can’t tell you how you’ll know if you’re ready or the time is right.” She paused. “It’s different for everyone, you know, but I guess my best advice is: if it doesn’t feel right or you’re not comfortable, don’t do it. Don’t let anyone else decide what’s right for you, okay?”
I nodded again, feeling a bit dumbstruck. It was odd hearing Skylar talk this way. It made me wonder what had happened with her, but I didn’t think she’d tell me. It seemed as if she was purposely being vague, and it seemed rude to pry. After all, I didn’t want the details; I was just curious. There was one question I thought was fair game. “How old were you the first time?”
“Around your age,” she sighed. “But, please, don’t use me for any basis for what’s right.”
“Don’t worry.” I grinned. “I won’t.”
“Hey!” She shoved me playfully in the shoulder. “What’s got you all worried about sex anyway? Did Jackson try something?”
“No.” I couldn’t help it. I blushed. “It’s just that I know he’s . . . not a virgin. I guess I just thought . . .”
“Okay.” Skylar held up a hand to stop me. “Before you go getting worried, let me ask this: how far have things gone already?”
I blushed at the idea of telling my sister that Jackson felt me up. I wasn’t even sure I could say it.
She sighed when I didn’t answer and asked with a grimace, “Has he touched you . . .” She nodded downward, as if to finish the question.
As soon as I realized what she was asking, I yelped, drawing back and shaking my head. “No! He’s just felt me up!” I blurted. My face bloomed with heat as soon as the words were out. I looked away, embarrassed.
Skylar sighed in what I guessed to be relief. “Well, if things haven’t gone south of the border,” she smirked, “I don’t think you have a lot to worry about.” She paused, raising an eyebrow. “If you’re not ready to have sex, you could always just give him a hand job.”
“Skylar!” I cried with a mortified glare.
“You’re the one that brought up the issue of sex,” she pointed out, but a bit of pink rose high on Skylar’s cheeks. “I was just trying to be helpful.”
“Yeah, thanks,” I said, sarcastically, and then mimicked. “Just give him a hand job.”
“Fine.” Skylar rolled her eyes. “Don’t do that either. But you should be glad I didn’t tell you to give him a blowjob.”
I grimaced and shook my head. There was only so much I could handle, and I suddenly realized why Tegan was so uncomfortable when Tierney shared too much. There were just some things a person should never hear his or her siblings say.
“Jackson’s not getting any kind of job from me in the immediate future,” I assured her.
Skylar chuckled lightly, shaking her head. “Anyway, I just wanted to give a truthful answer to your question,” she sighed. “Now go back to sleep.”
The next morning, after considering what Skylar had to say, I decided it was time to talk to Jackson whether he wanted to or not. When I got no answer on his cell phone, I called his house.
Clare answered the phone.
“Hey, it’s Silly,” I greeted.
“Oh, hi,” she replied. “Did you need Jackson?”
“No,” I said, quickly changing my plans for the day. “I just couldn’t remember if he had to work today.”
“Let me check his schedule,” she said. It was quiet a moment before she said, “Nope. No work today.”
“Great,” I breathed. “Is his home now?”
“Yeah, want me to get him?”
“That’s okay,” I said before thanking her and hanging up the phone.
With Jackson’s whereabouts determined, I asked Luke to drop me off at Jackson’s house on his way to work. He was out in the front yard when we arrived, pitching a ball to Chloe. He stopped and turned to watch as I climbed out of the car.
I waved goodbye to Luke and turned back to Jackson. He seemed too surprised to see me to even speak. Chloe, on the other hand, was very excited.
“Silly!” she trilled, running over and wrapping her thin arms around my midsection.
“Hey, Little Miss,” I grinned, giving her a big squeeze. “How are you?”
“Okay,” she sing-songed. “Jacks is trying to teach me to throw less like a girl.”
“Is that right?” I raised an eyebrow and glanced over at Jackson. He hadn’t said anything yet, but I knew he was listening. “Do you think I could talk to Jackson alone for a few minutes?”
“Sure,” she shrugged. “I don’t like this game anyway. I wanted to play tea party.” She stuck her tongue out at Jackson as she skipped up the sidewalk to the house.
“Hey!” A look of shock was clearly written across his face as he called after his younger sister. When he turned back to me, his expression turned serious again.
Before he could ask what I was doing at his house unannounced, I said, “I invited myself over because I wasn’t sure if you’d still be here if I told you I was coming. We need to talk.”
He nodded and motioned for me to follow him over to the front steps. He sat down and I took the seat next to him. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to say to him, but I’d decided before coming over that since he’d been the one to take the first step every other time something happened with us, it was probably my turn to make the first move.
“Since you left on Friday without saying anything, I figured you were probably mad at me.” I glanced at him, and he nodded. His lips parted as he started to speak, but I cut him off. “Listen, please.” His eyes met mine, and he closed his mouth, signaling me to go on. “I’m sorry for being snippy with you and pushing you away. It probably wasn’t the best way to handle things. I’ve told you before that this whole relationship thing is new to me. I know that’s no excuse, but I’m hoping you’ll let me explain myself.”
He answered softly. “Go on.”
“I guess I should start by saying that I’m not really that fond of public displays of affection. I mean, I don’t mind holding h
ands or the occasional kiss here and there, but sometimes even that feels weird,” I explained. “It has nothing to do with not wanting those things. I guess I just don’t like knowing other people can see something that I consider private.
“Not to mention my parents were right there, and if they’d looked our way and saw you. I mean, us . . .” I sighed, shaking my head. “I don’t know what would have happened, but if my dad saw, I can guarantee it wouldn’t have been good.”
Jackson smiled just a little and nodded his understanding. Still, he didn’t speak, so I went on. “I know you’re more experienced than me when it comes to relationships and stuff like that.” I combed my fingers nervously through my hair. Whatever calm I’d felt before was slowly fading as we got into my root fear. “I’m still trying to get used to all of this. I really care about you, Jackson. A lot. But I just need more time.”
His dark brows drew together in the first sign of confusion. “Time for what?”
“To adjust to all this.” That wasn’t exactly what I meant, but I couldn’t just say it outright; the words wouldn’t come. “This probably isn’t going to be the last time I say or do something to make you angry. I don’t want you to take my hang-ups personally. It’s not that I don’t like you or want you . . . to be around, I mean,” I hurried to clarify as my face heated. I realized I should have practiced what I was going to say before coming over. This was turning into a pathetic ramble, but I was determined to get to my point. “Like I said, I care about you, but I know you’re older and probably ready for more than I am right now–”
“Silly,” Jackson cut in, apparently unable to remain quiet any longer. “What are you trying to get at?”
“Sex,” I blurted.
Jackson’s green-gold eyes widened, and I covered my mouth with my hands, as if to keep myself from saying anything else without thinking, as my face continued to burn. Finally, I grew brave enough to peek at Jackson. He was watching me, obviously perplexed. I was certain he was trying to figure out how to reply to my unintended outburst.
Infinite (Strange and Beautiful, Book 1) Page 55
