by Al K. Line
"Oh, didn't realize." I risked a nice smile, hoping she would soften, but she just glared at me. Trust me, you do not want to be on the receiving end of a faery glare, it makes you feel like the worst kind of lowlife. "But hey, if we're being technical, and I know the fae are all about technicalities and getting around arrangements if they possibly can, then I haven't broken my contract. I'm meant to be Death when I die for the fiftieth time, when my name's crossed out and in the ledger. Well, it isn't. Name fifty isn't there, so as long as I don't die, I won't be Death."
"Hmm, you have a point. But, my dear Arthur, you will use that life soon enough, it is inevitable, so why not merely get it over and done with now? The longer you wait, the worse it will be. You will have time to think about it, rather than it being the surprise I intended, and that's not good for you. No, my mind is made up. You should die now and fulfill your duty."
"Whoa, what do you mean? Hang on, I'm not ready for that yet. And besides, the Death Book needs to be back there first before anything can happen, right?"
"Correct. And I have something else to say." Sasha took a deep breath then spewed forth a tirade so violent, so foul-mouthed, so astonishingly unlike her that I was gobsmacked. I was thrust back into the sofa by the power of her vehement words, left reeling with my head aching and my stomach cramping.
"And one more thing," she added after she'd finished insulting me in more ways than I'd thought possible. "You better get it back, and quick. You don't understand what you've done, what is happening. It's put the whole human afterlife in serious jeopardy of becoming unstable. Do you know what would happen if the afterlife didn't work properly, if people didn't pass over as they should and all the rules were broken?"
"No. What?"
"The end of everything. You idiot! There is a natural order to things, a way the world and the universe functions. Sure, Death and all that business with the Boatman, it's symbolic, but it serves its purpose, does what it's meant to. And that is allow people's souls to pass on to the next level. You broke it, Arthur. One tiny, stupid wizard broke the whole universe. You better fix it," she warned, "and fast, or this is it for everyone and everything."
"Let's not get carried away here," I protested.
"Things work in certain ways, rules are set in stone, not to be messed with, and although the place Death resides, his form, the Death Book, all of it is merely a construct of humanity's need for something they can understand, it's so ingrained into the fabric of their lives it has become real. More real than anything else. The book belongs there, so do you. Someone has to take up the mantle and see the souls through, because right now you have created a problem that is most certainly not going to go away unless you fix it."
"What problem?" I asked, knowing I wouldn't like the answer.
"You don't know? You haven't watched the news? Heard the radio?"
"Been busy letting some muppet steal the Death Book."
"Yes, about that. You should be more careful. And you must retrieve it before one of the dark ones does, otherwise what you have done will seem like a pleasing interlude rather than the catastrophic screw-up it most certainly is."
Sasha pointed at the TV, and as if unwilling to stand her wrath, it turned on. There was a news reporter standing outside a large hospital, looking worried and excited at the same time.
For the next few minutes I sat, open-mouthed, as I flicked through the channels and listened to the same story from all over the world.
Nobody was dying. People who had died had returned to life, stuck in comas but alive. Seemed that anyone who passed the moment I broke my deal, and everyone after that, had made a brief trip to Death's home, found I wasn't in, so had come back. Not that the news put it quite like that. How they did put it was that millions of people were inexplicably in comas, and for some strange reason there hadn't been a single death recorded in the whole world since that morning.
Sasha clicked her fingers and the TV switched off. "As you can see, we have a slight problem."
I groaned and put my head in my hands. I think, no, I know, this was without doubt the biggest screw-up of my life. At least so far.
Any Ideas?
"What do we do?" I asked, certain she had the answers, knowing she was far smarter than me, knew more than I ever would, and had a lot more resources behind her. At the very least, she had some idea of how this all worked, how the system functioned.
"We do nothing. You do a lot. This is not my problem, not now. It's beyond the fae to interfere in such a catastrophic mess. This is your problem, Arthur, and you will deal with it. Quickly, if you know what's good for you."
"You won't help me?"
"I cannot. You made a deal, and it's one thing, shows you are smart, to find a way to break your contract, or at least delay it, because, trust me, when you next die you will fulfill your bargain with me and the universe as a whole, but you cannot create such a mess without there being dire repercussions."
"Yeah, I saw. Nobody dying."
"Exactly. Within days the planet will be overrun, within a year there will be worldwide wars leading to total, utter annihilation of the human species, and it will all be your fault."
"Okay, okay, I get it. This is quite serious, no laughing matter."
"Indeed."
"So you won't help?" I asked again, thinking maybe she'd take pity on a poor confused wizard and offer assistance.
"I cannot interfere. Doing that deal with your predecessor, agreeing to you taking over early, was against the rules but we are allowed to make such arrangements if we can find loopholes. But this is beyond me. You took the book, you tore a page, you refused to play along. Now you are paying the price. You must make it right, return the book, let Death deal with the souls trapped in limbo, and hope you don't kill everyone in the process."
"And do I really have to be Death?"
"I can tell you one thing. When you next die, you most certainly will be. You made the deal, the contract is binding for all eternity, as to what happens until then, your guess is as good as mine. Maybe when the book returns you will too, name crossed out or not, or maybe something unique and interesting will happen. We shall see. My guess is, the universe is furious with you, so I would expect something truly terrible to occur rather soon, my love. So hurry, no time to lose." Sasha smiled at me, eyes wet with sympathy for my plight, and then she shook faery dust all over my carpet and was gone.
"Damn, that didn't go as planned," I muttered, wondering what the hell I should do, and feeling a little guilty too.
I was all alone, and if I didn't get my act together, and soon, then it would be that way for all time.
With that thought, I was buoyed into action. I could do this, I would do this. I would go find that numnuts Jake, and recover the book before anyone else found it. I'd give him a slap for being so annoying, and for besting me, then I'd take it from there. Hopefully, the book would return of its own volition, some poor sap would take over the job, and all would be well in the world.
Then I could marry Penelope, and we'd all live happily ever after. Maybe once she shook off this mortal coil, and George was all grown up, I'd allow myself to die just to get this nonsense out of the way, but for now, and the foreseeable future, The Hat would ensure he remained alive and stayed if not out of trouble, then didn't get into more trouble than he could sensibly handle.
Or something like that anyway. Always best to look on the bright side.
And so it was with a spring in my step, a song in my heart, and coffee swishing around my system, I stepped out of the house.
I got halfway down the street before beating a hasty retreat.
Even the best wizards need to pee after that much coffee, and it was better to do it now than when confronted by the baddies. Last thing I wanted was wee trickling down my leg as I said something cool and Wand blasted them until their eyeballs popped. It would ruin the moment.
Fair Enough
Empty of bladder, full of self-pity, I nonetheless knew I had to get ba
ck out there or my procrastination would leave me in a coffee and wee limbo for all perpetuity.
So it was with great reluctance, and not a little anger directed at Jake for giving me this grief at such an inopportune time, that I opened the front door once more.
"You bastard," shouted a man who I recognized but couldn't place.
"And you are?" I asked, being polite.
"You what!? You mean you... Are you..." Spittle flew as he stammered over his words, and then, utterly unjustified, he punched me right in the face. The nerve of the guy.
I reeled back under the force of the blow, a smack so hard I worried my beautiful ugly mug would be ruined forever. I shook my head like a dog after a bee sting on the snout, my thoughts fuzzy, my pride hurt.
"Ow! What was that for?"
The man stood there, fists clenched, looking so angry I wouldn't have been shocked to see smoke coming from his ears. "Are you serious? Are you really fucking serious?"
"Um, maybe?" I said, hedging my bets. "Look, I'm not in the mood for this. I've got, er, things to do, so if you could just, you know, get on with saying who you are and what you want then that would be lovely." I dabbed at my nose with a tissue but there was no blood. The Hat gets more gristly with age it seems, less free-flowing juices.
"I can't believe it," the man whined, "you really are something else, aren't you?"
"Um, yes?" I said, again tentatively.
"It's me. Gavin."
"Oh, right, of course. Sorry, didn't recognize you there for a minute. Must have been because you were punching me in the face. Yes, that's probably it." I gave Gavin a weak smile, but he tutted and then glared. Why is everyone so good at tutting and glaring except me?
"You have no idea who I am, do you? None at all?"
"No. Never seen you before in my life. Thought I had, but I was wrong. Gary, was it?" I was messing with him a bit, but for the life of me I couldn't place him.
"Gavin! It's fucking Gavin, you halfwit."
"Hey, no need for name calling. I've had a rough day, there have been, er, things going on. So don't be mean. Look, if that's all, I've got to be somewhere. Sorry about this, my head's all screwed up and I can't concentrate. I just met with a business partner and they always leave you feeling out-of-sorts, all confused and forgetful. Er, in my case, more forgetful than usual."
I stared at the guy, who was still glaring, and slowly my head cleared from fae after-effects. I snapped into sharp focus, and came back to the present with a serious thud.
"Sorry, dude, it's been a long day. Um, how are things?" I already knew by the fact he'd punched me in the face that things were far from dandy. How could I not have recognized him? The bloke who'd been Death before me should be unforgettable. But I guess he was the last person I expected to see, as he was from a different time and place, wasn't he? I thought he'd said he was like born a hundred years ago or something. Had he? Was I imagining that or just assumed it, what with the harem thing and all? Ah, yes, a dude from Birmingham who liked the exotic, and had somehow got a harem because he had a genie.
The more I leaned forward and squinted at his fine features, his square jaw, his aquiline nose, his beard with specks of gray, the thick wavy hair brushed back off his forehead, the more I knew I was missing something here.
"You look the same," I realized. "Exactly the same as when I just saw you. Um, you know what I mean. I thought you would go back in time to when you died, otherwise your body would have been all rotten and stuff, wouldn't it? Well, any insights, things you can share about that? I think I'm gonna need all the information I can get."
"I did go back in time, you utter fool. I went back a hundred years." Gavin stepped forward, his fists still clenched, and I took a step away, unsure what he would do, not wanting another smack in the face and not really in the mood for blasting.
"I don't get it." I really didn't.
"Shock, horror, you don't get it. What do you get?"
"Haha, wouldn't you like to know. I'm about to get married, so, you know, I get plenty." I waggled an eyebrow suggestively.
"Congratulations."
"Thanks," I beamed.
"Like I care! What is wrong with you? Why are you here? You were meant to take over. You have to take over."
"Ah, yes, it's a funny story actually. I was all set to do just that, perform my civic duty and everything, but then there was a boy. A little boy, Gavin, and I knew I couldn't face it, couldn't do that again. He was six, he drowned in a pond. He wanted his mum."
Gavin's features softened and he moved away a little, giving me some space. He unclenched his fists and wiped at his eyes. "It's tough, isn't it?"
"The hardest thing I have ever done. Look, I'm sorry, but I can't do that, and I have a family. I don't want that responsibility, I would lose my mind. I knew nothing about this deal, same as you didn't, and I found a way to get out of it. You blaming me for that?"
"No, I guess not. The kids were always the hardest. Not sure how I coped, apart from just letting myself be empty inside. I did my job and became Death, there was no room for sentimentality or emotion. It was the job, and only the job. All past forgotten."
"Well, I don't want it and I'm not doing it. I have a few small issues to iron out, then hopefully it'll pass on to someone else once someone with authority realizes they can't have me."
"You have to do it, you just have to. Listen, that's why I'm here. I've waited a hundred bloody years to come to see you. Can you imagine what that's like, waiting all this time just so I can come here at exactly this moment?"
"I honestly have no idea what you are talking about. Waiting for what? How come you look the same?"
"Because I'm a bloody good wizard, that's why. I learned after I was returned, and that bloody genie owed me, owed me big. I got it to show me things, teach me things, and I've been studying ever since."
"How'd the ladies take it? One of them killed you, right? How'd she react? What was it like returning? How much time had passed?" I had so many questions, wanted to know so much. Forewarned is forearmed, and all that.
"They were happy to see me, most of them. As for the woman who murdered me, let's just say she was long gone. The other women were less than amused by what she did and they killed her. All a big accident of course. They didn't mean to, but they were a feisty bunch and no mistake."
"Oh, shame. So, what you doing here?"
"I came to make you take the job, that's what. I've got a long future ahead of me and you're spoiling it. Time's gone all wonky. I've had a hundred years knowing you had done this, knowing you would. Ugh, this time stuff messes with your head, but I knew you'd been stubborn even though you hadn't in my time, but every year I felt this time closing in on me, getting closer, and every year I became a little less human, became more him."
"Him?"
"Death, you fool. I served my time, did my duty, fulfilled my deal, but the contract states you take on the mantle until the next person does. You're that person."
"Sorry, dude, but no can do. I am not doing that until I really, really have to."
"And you have to when you reach death number fifty. I know what you did, heard all about it. You ripped the name out and brought the book with you. I've seen the news too. You must return with the Death Book or the souls will build up, the planet will be overrun with comatose people, and armageddon will result inside a year."
"Yeah, I've already been told. Don't worry, I'll find a way, but I am not returning."
"Oh yes you are. You skipped a death, so the next one is death fifty. And then you will have to do it. There will be no more ripping pages out, the book will be wise to that now and won't let you tear it, so there's no escape."
"There is if I don't die. I'll do it when my family no longer needs me, not before. So I plan on being here for a long time."
"No, you won't. Why do you think I'm here?" Gavin looked at me strangely, like I was a confused child. I felt like one.
"To convince me?"
"No, yo
u idiot. To kill you."
Gavin whipped out a vicious-looking curved knife, an ancient Arabian janbiya if I'm not mistaken. It was covered in intricate sigils, burned fierce orange as he thrust straight for my heart with considerable magical power aiding him.
Damn, and everything was going so smoothly too.
Quick Draw Arthur
I may have been befuddled of mind, but my wizard reflexes, honed over countless years of practice, and many more hours fighting for my life, were as sharp as always, if not sharper. Something had happened during my brief stint as Death, and my strength and magic had reached new heights. It was as though I had carried some of the power and true magic back with me, so I was already reaching for Wand before Gavin had even begun his attack.
Wand met me halfway, tearing through the top of my pocket in a blaze of glory and slamming into my hand like an extension of my arm.
"That's a new one," I said silently.
"Yeah, pretty cool, eh?"
"Sure is, buddy, but we'll have to rethink the pocket if you're gonna trash my jeans."
Our brief conversation happened while we were acting, and in one smooth transition he was up and blasting before either of us had time to plan or even think. Probably best, as if you're thinking, you aren't doing, and doing was exactly what we had to if we were to survive. No way would I die. And at this point I decided that I would never die, just live forever. That way I could give the afterlife the finger and never have to go do such a depressing job.
Gavin's wicked blade arced toward my heart, the magic making the thrust deep and the force incredible. But Wand was Wand, and I was The Hat, and whoever this dude was, he was no match for us when we were on form.
Wand was so fast that he met Gavin's blade point to point. For one sickening moment, I feared the steel would slice right down Wand's shaft, leaving him as very nicely carved kindling, but I should have trusted his power. My power. In a shower of magical shards, steel met wood and magic burst in a bright explosion that resulted in both Gavin and I being blown backward. Me into the hallway, him down the short path and thwacking down hard onto the top of my gate.
