What does that fucking mean?
I can’t stop my thoughts from going wild the entire drive back home, and I feel physically ill. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes when he saw me with that bottle in my hand.
It was pure hatred, and that kills me so much. I wish he would talk to me. I wish he would let me in.
Getting out of my car, I’m headed for my house when I change direction and end up on Veronica’s porch instead. I want answers. I need answers.
Veronica is on the couch watching TV when I step inside and pauses it to look up at me. “Hey, babe. How did—”
“Tell me what happened to Katherine. Now.” I slam the door closed behind me. “I’m tired of no one giving it to me straight. I want answers, and I want them now, Veronica.” I know I shouldn’t be taking my anger out on her, but I can’t go another second without hearing the truth. “I know she’s dead. I saw the pills. Tell. Me.”
She turns off the TV and meets my eyes. “It’s a long, complicated story to tell, Cami. It’s not that easy. It’s not my story—”
“Yeah. I know. It’s not your story to tell. I guess I’ll never find out then, since Jensen just kicked me out of his life.” A tear rolls down my cheek, but I quickly swipe it away in hopes Veronica doesn’t notice.
I’m filled with so many mixed emotions right now that I don’t know what to do or say. I just need to be alone. I need to get away from everyone before I say something I’ll regret.
“I need to go to bed.”
“Cami, sit down and stay with me.” She stands up and reaches for my arm, but I move it from her reach. “Please.”
I shake my head and back toward the door. “No. I can’t. I need to be alone right now. I can’t fucking think straight, and the last thing I want to do is be pissed at my best friend.”
She opens her mouth to speak, but I put my hand up, stopping her, and then let myself out, angrily making my way next door to be alone.
It takes me less than an hour to down a bottle of wine and pass out on my couch. At least Jensen helped me get through this night in some way. Just not the way I was hoping.
I was right all along. He is an asshole.
A huge one.
Cami
3 weeks later…
I haven’t seen or heard from Jensen since the day he kicked me out of his house and out of his life. I’ll admit that it hurts a lot more than I thought it would.
It took me almost four weeks to fall for Jensen Blake, and it’s proving it’s going to take longer to get over him. Every time I allow myself to think about him, my heart hurts and my chest feels heavy. All he had to do was talk to me.
I hate that he lost someone close to him. I hate that he had to go through that kind of pain, but the fact that he didn’t trust me enough to let me in and tell me what happened only proves that he didn’t care about me as much as I had hoped, and definitely not as much as I cared—or care—about him. The only thing keeping me from going to him is the look of hatred in his eyes that night when he forced me to leave.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get over that. I’ve tried. I tried to convince myself it was just in the heat of the moment, that it wasn’t me he hated but the situation at hand. But what if he never meant for me to find out the truth about Katherine?
That’s not something you do to someone you want to be with, and definitely not something you do to someone you’re falling in love with. Maybe I was a fool, and the only one doing the falling. But it felt like so much more to me. I’ll never know now, and it pains me so much.
The bell rang over an hour ago and I have yet to bring myself to move from behind this desk. I’ve been doing everything I can to take on extra projects to keep myself busy, so I don’t have to think about Jensen and how much I miss him. Or the little things he did, like bringing me lunch just because.
It doesn’t help that my first rent payment outside of the deposit is due today, and since Jensen is no longer a part of my life, I have to go to the office to drop off the check. I may just be putting it off for as long as I can today, in hopes he won’t be around the office. I know seeing him will only crush my heart more.
“Knock. Knock. Can I come in?”
I look at the door to see Douglas’ head poking inside. He’s the last person I want to deal with at the moment. “That’s not a good idea, Douglas. I don’t want to see you.”
“I get that,” he says gently. “I understand why you don’t want to talk to me, and as much as it hurts, you have every reason to hate my guts. I hate myself for what I did to you, but I can’t take it back.”
I huff and shove my students’ papers into the desk drawer. “What do you want, Douglas? I was about to head out. Make it quick.”
He steps farther inside my classroom, but leaves the door open. Smart move, buddy. “I just wanted to let you know I’m here for you. I knew that asshole would screw up before too long. He didn’t deserve you, Cami. I didn’t either. You’re good. Too good for us.”
My stomach twists into knots at the mention of Jensen. Why did he have to bring him up? I blow up before I can stop myself. “My personal business is no longer any of your fucking concern, and I don’t know what makes you think he screwed up. Just worry about yourself and Susan. Leave me out of your thoughts from now on, Douglas. Don’t come anywhere near me or you’ll regret it. Got it?”
He shakes his head and crosses his arms. “It’s clear he screwed up, Cami. You don’t have to hide it from me. It’s kind of odd he spent so much time here, then all of a sudden he shows up today after not coming around for almost three weeks. The asshole screwed up. It’s obvious.”
My heart speeds up at hearing Jensen was here today. “He was here?” I try my best to act calm, but my stupid voice has to break, giving away my emotions.
“He still is.” He taps the door before grabbing it. “But I don’t see him in here with you. So, my offer to talk stands for as long as you need it. Even if you’re no longer together, you don’t just stop caring about someone after five years. You may hate my guts now, but I’m hoping that will change. Until then, I still care about your feelings.”
“It won’t. Thanks, but no,” I say stiffly, pissed off that he had to point out how Jensen is avoiding me. He’s here picking up rent checks and he doesn’t even have the decency to see me. It’s as if I don’t exist to him anymore, and it fucking hurts so bad. “Now get out of my classroom and mind your own damn business.”
“All right, Cami. I guess I’ll see you around then. But please, do yourself a favor and don’t fall for that jerk again. This time, you’re dealing with it. Next time you might not be so lucky.”
I don’t know what the hell Douglas means by that, but I’m so pissed off at everything right now I just want to be alone. I abruptly get up and close him out of my classroom, ready to get him out of my sight before I blow up.
* * *
It’s past five by the time I finally leave my classroom for the day to head to Blake Rentals to drop off my rent check. I wanted to be sure to avoid seeing Douglas again since he’d been lingering around after I kicked him out of my classroom.
Seeing his face around school is bad enough, but having to hear him talk about mine and Jensen’s falling out was too much to handle. I wanted to strangle him right there in my classroom with the Principal just down the hall.
Stepping out of my car, I run my sweaty palms over the front of my jeans and head for the front door, ready to get this over with. A pretty brunette is the first person I see when I step inside. My heart races at the sight of her, because I can’t help but to wonder if Jensen has slept with her since we stopped talking. The thought kills me, but I push it aside and reach into my purse.
“Good afternoon. How can I help you?” she asks, looking up from the desk once I stop in front of it.
I force a smile and place the envelope with my check in it in front of her. “I’m here to drop off a rent check.”
“Sure thing. Let me get some info and I
’ll get it marked in the computer. Name?”
I clear my throat and run my hands over my jeans again, anxious to get out of here. There’s an office less than twenty feet away that has Jensen’s name on it, and I can’t stop the thoughts occurring about him that I shouldn’t be right now. “Camille Reynolds.”
She stops doing whatever she’s doing on the computer to push my check back in front of me. “You’re marked in the computer as already paid, Miss Reynolds. You’re set for May.”
“Are you sure?” I ask, confused. “I didn’t make a payment. Please check again.”
She offers me a nervous smile and looks at the screen again. “It says here your payment was made two days ago. Perhaps you gave it to Jensen or Ben and forgot? Either way, I can’t accept your check before checking with them first.”
I shake my head and shove the check back into my purse, heated. “Thank you for the information. Have a great day.”
I’m raging mad when I step outside and climb into my car, slamming the door shut behind me. First Jensen kicks me out of his house, then avoids me for three whole weeks, and now has the balls to mark my rent off as paid for the month. I don’t know who he thinks he’s messing with, but I’m not having it.
With shaky hands, I reach for my phone and begin typing out an angry text. But nothing I say sounds right, so I keep backspacing and starting over, until finally, I grunt and toss it into the passenger seat, annoyed that I can’t find the words to say.
I haven’t been able to for three weeks now.
My anger doesn’t dwindle the whole drive to my house; quite the contrary actually, intensifying the moment I pull into the driveway to see a delivery truck parked out front. Workers from The Home Barn are carrying things into my house without my permission.
“What is all this? What are you doing?” I stop one of the workers coming out of the house when he attempts to make a trip back to the truck. “How did you get inside my house?”
He shrugs. “I just work at the place. I do my job and don’t ask questions. Ask Derrick. He’s in charge of the paperwork.”
I grunt and yank the screen door open in search of this Derrick guy. There’s only one person other than Veronica that has a key to my house, and Veronica would never let someone in without asking first. Her car isn’t next door, so I’m going to assume she doesn’t know there are strangers carrying things into my house right now.
“Excuse me,” I say stiffly when I find the guy in my guest room setting up a white futon. “What are you doing in here?”
“Setting up a futon, a desk, and a bookshelf like I was told by my boss. Is there a problem, ma’am?”
“Is there a problem?” I question, annoyed. “Yes. How did you get inside? I didn’t order any of this, and I was told a month ago that you guys don’t offer assembly of the furniture, so as you can see I’m very confused and frustrated.”
He shrugs and moves to put together another part of the futon, as if I’m not standing here losing it on him. “We don’t,” he says, annoyed. “Jensen ordered these things and demanded that we put it together today. He let us in and left. That’s all I know, lady. Now, if you’ll excuse me… I have work to do before I get fired due to a pissed off Jensen coming into the store because I didn’t finish my job on time.”
I’m shocked and pissed at the same time. Jensen is really pushing me today. He has no right to do these things after pushing me out of his life. And as soon as these workers leave, he’s going to find out just how pissed I am.
Over an hour later, Derrick and the other worker step out of the bedroom and Derrick hands me something to sign. Despite being pissed off, I sign it just to make sure these guys don’t lose their job. If it weren’t for that, I would’ve torn the paper up and tossed them out the door the moment I found them here.
I don’t even take a moment to check the bedroom out. I jump into my car and head to Jensen’s, ready to give him a piece of my mind. What the hell kind of person forces you out of their life and then goes and buys you off? How dare he hurt me and then do this shit? He’s got some explaining to do, because my mind is on overload right now, and I’m about to lose it if I don’t get an explanation, and fast.
I pull into Jensen’s driveway, my heart slamming against my ribcage the moment my eyes land on his motorcycle parked in front of the garage. It’s been weeks since I laid eyes on it after getting so used to seeing it everywhere I went.
The sight of it and the memories it brings of the times we spent together softens me for a moment, until I remember why I’m here. I can’t let my feelings for him and the fact that I miss him like crazy stop me from doing what I came here to do.
That’s to give Jensen a piece of my mind and remind him that he’s out of my life.
Jensen
I took care of Cami’s rent and ordered the furniture she wanted for her guest room, because I knew I needed to piss her off to get her to come to me. Looks like it worked too, because she’s stepping out of her car looking pissed as hell.
The three weeks has been fucking torture without her, and just as expected, I was the one to fuck it up. Telling her the truth is going to be hard. I know that. I can feel it in my bones. It’s going to hurt possibly both of us, but she needs to know what happened with Katherine. She deserves the truth. She has from the beginning, but I wasn’t ready to give it. I’m still not.
But she’s what’s important. Cami.
I take a deep breath and slowly exhale, before opening the front door right as Cami steps onto the porch, looking angry and beautiful as ever. Her heated eyes land directly on mine as she grabs something from her purse and roughly slams it into my chest, pushing me back until we’re inside the privacy of my home.
“Here’s the rent payment, asshole,” she seethes, looking like she’s ready to strangle me. She should be. I deserve every ounce of anger she throws my way. “How dare you fucking do anything for me after you kicked me out that night as if I was nothing to you. You have no right to comp my rent, and you sure as fuck had no right to furnish my guest room. I’m nothing to you, Jensen. Nothing but your tenant, which is how it should’ve been to begin with. I was stupid to let you in. It was a mistake.”
She stops to catch her breath, but she’s apparently so angry that she’s having a hard time, and it’s only pissing her off more. “Dammit, Jensen! I can’t believe I let you get to me this way. I knew you were an asshole from the very first day we met, yet I let you get under my skin. I let you in, Jensen. I allowed myself to fall for you, despite what I knew, and in the end I turned out to be nothing to you. From here on out, let’s keep it professional, so we can both move on. No more buying me things or giving me free rent, because I’ll give it right back. Got it?”
She turns to walk away, but I grip her waist, slam the front door shut, and back her against it with my body. “You’re not fucking going anywhere, Cami.”
“Move, Jensen!” She shoves my chest, and I let her, repeatedly, until she finally tires and gives up. “Get the hell out of my way, so I can leave. Now!”
“No.” I move in closer until our bodies are flush. I want to be face to face when I say what I have to say. I want her to look into my fucking eyes, so she feels every word that leaves my damn mouth, because I’m not letting her leave here until she does. “You may be a lot of things to me, Cami, but nothing isn’t one of them. Fucking hell! You should know better. I never want to hear you say that shit again. I mean it.”
I cup her face and keep it steady when she attempts to turn away, as if looking me in the eyes is too painful. I fucking hate that with everything in me. “You’re far from being nothing to me. Why do you think I reacted the way I did? It’s so hard for me to tell you something that might change the way you look at me? I’m terrified you’ll see me the same way I see myself. That you’ll hate me just as much as I do. And that would fucking kill me, Cami. It’d fucking kill me.”
“That’s a fucking lie, Jensen.” Her heart beats fast against my chest as her eyes loo
k into mine, searching for answers I still haven’t given her. “If you cared about me at all…” She shoves my chest a few more times, creating some space between us. “You wouldn’t have kicked me out of your life when I found those pills in your bathroom. You hurt me. Broke my fucking heart, Jensen.” Her voice shakes, her emotions taking over, and it kills me that she’s fighting not to cry. “You had the power to prevent that, but you chose not to. All you had to do was tell me the truth, because no one else in this damn town will. And let me remind you that it’s the same truth everyone else already knows, but you can’t even respect me enough to do that, and I’m not sure you ever will. Without that I can’t be around you. I need honesty. No matter how much it hurts to be away. I’m going to go. Stay out of my life. You’re the one that wanted it this way.”
An ache hits me straight in the chest, because the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt Cami. I can’t let her go again. I can’t let her leave here thinking she’s nothing, because that’s furthest from the truth. “Fuck, Cami. Get back here.” Being careful not to hurt her, I press her against the wall again, but hold her hands above her head this time, showing her she’s not fucking leaving me. “It’s because of me Katherine was on those fucking pills to begin with. Do you get that? That’s what makes me a monster. That’s what makes me an undeserving asshole. You’re too good for me and I know it. But that hasn’t stopped me from wanting you every second of every fucking day. That’s why you need to know what happened. That’s why I’m telling you. I know it’s a little late. I just hope it’s not too late.”
Cami stops struggling to get free from my grip and looks me in the eyes. Her chest is heaving against mine as she stays quiet, waiting for me to keep talking. She’s willing to let me explain. I don’t deserve it but I take the opportunity anyway.
“We were young, and fuck, did I love her, Cami. I couldn’t spend a minute without her, but when we were together, we were toxic. We both knew it, but I was the only one to admit it. As much as I loved her, I knew we wouldn’t work. We both were hurting, and I refused to hurt her anymore, so I broke things off, thinking that’d be best. I thought she’d be better off, but I was wrong.”
Broken and Beautiful Page 52
