Dinner only got more awkward, and I knew I was the reason, which made me feel even worse. The family I'd made for myself over the past year had flown to be with me on Christmas Day, and I couldn't appreciate it. I tried to will myself into being happy, but I only succeeded in focusing on how much I would regret my actions later, which only made me spiral even more.
Cole paid the check, and the five of us exited the restaurant. Micaela took CJ's diaper bag, and Sasha took the handle of the stroller.
“What’s happening?” I asked.
“Micaela and Sasha are going to take CJ for a couple of hours so we can be alone.” Cole wrapped his arm around my shoulders and squeezed.
"But he's been asleep the whole time," I said, a little too loudly. I could feel myself being petulant, but I didn't care.
“Hey, it will only be a couple of hours,” Cole crouched down to my eye level and whispered. I knew he was trying to calm me down, but it only made me feel more like a child. I felt tears spring to my eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I cried. “I don’t know why I’m acting like this. I should be happy. I am happy. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t apologize to us, babe,” Sasha said and wrapped her arms around me. “We’ll see you soon, okay. We love you.”
It was the first time she’d ever told me she loved me. I knew she did, but she’d never said it before.
"You're gonna be okay." Micaela squeezed my shoulder, and I knew that was the same as an I love you from her.
* * *
Cole guided me into his hotel suite and sat me on the bed. He crouched down in front of me, so we were eye level.
“What’s going on, babe?”
"I don't know," I answered as honestly as I could. "I'm always tired. I'm not exercising as much because the show is so time-consuming. When I have time to go to the gym, all I want to do is sleep. I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. I miss CJ. I'm worried about the adoption hearing, and you won't talk to me about it. You won't tell me what happened in Missouri. I haven't been sleeping. Did I say that already?" Hot tears rolled down my cheeks.
Cole looked at me, and his expression cut me to the core. His face was etched with worry and fear, and I immediately felt guilty for telling him all of these things when the hearing was less than forty-eight hours away, he hadn't seen me in weeks, and it was Christmas Day.
"I didn't know you were coming," I whispered. "I didn't get you a gift."
“You’re the gift.” He leaned forward and kissed me.
Cole scooped me into his arms and laid me on the bed. He removed my boots one at a time. After unbuttoning my jeans, he peeled them down my legs. He grabbed the hem of my sweater and pulled it over my head. When I was down to my bra, panties, and an undershirt, he undressed to his tank top and boxers before he crawled into bed behind me, pulling me into his chest.
“Cole,” I whispered.
“Yes, my love,” he said with his lips grazing the shell of my ear.
"You're on my hair." I giggled, and he joined me before he shimmied so I could pull my hair into a high bun.
“I missed you so much, neighbor.”
“I missed you too, abogado sexy.”
We laughed again, and Cole wrapped his arms tighter around my waist. I fell asleep that way.
* * *
When I woke up, three hours had passed, and I knew it was past CJ's bedtime, which made me sad. Cole was still awake, and I don't know how he managed to do it while I was sleeping, but the entire dining table in the suite was covered with food. There were waffles, fruit, yogurt, sandwiches, cereal, bacon, cheeses, bagels, cupcakes, and there were no signs of a salad.
“Hey, sleeping beauty,” he called from the table.
“What is this?” I gestured to the table.
“Food.” He smirked.
“Why?” I dropped myself into his lap and kissed him.
“You said you were tired of salads, so I got you food that you can eat that isn’t salads.”
I jumped up and examined the food on the table.
“There’s cheese.”
"It's dairy-free. It's made from cashews or something." He shrugged.
“These bagels?” I pointed excitedly.
"Gluten-free."
“This pie?”
"Gluten-free and sugar-free."
“The waffles?”
“Lisa, are you gonna point to everything on the table or eat something?”
I loaded up two plates and took a bite of everything, occasionally feeding Cole a forkful of something particularly delicious.
“Feel better?” He chuckled. I felt a lot better. Was I just hungry this whole time?
"I feel like I'm in a Snickers commercial." I laughed, and he joined me.
Cole grazed the pad of his thumb under one of my eyes, and I knew he was examining one of the bruise-like dark under-eye circles.
“I hate seeing you like this.” He sighed. “It makes me feel helpless. I want to throw you over my shoulder, march you on to that plane and take you home.”
"I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I didn't expect it to be this hard." I wrapped an arm around his neck and rested my head on his shoulder.
“Would I be an asshole if I asked you to come home?”
“For the hearing?”
“No, I haven’t changed my mind about the hearing. I want you to come home for me.”
"Cole." I sighed. "I have eight weeks left in my contract."
"It's too bad you don't know anyone who could renegotiate a contract and was madly in love with you." He kissed me and grinned.
"That's tempting, but I can't."
Cole looked like he was going to open his mouth to argue, but he sighed and kissed me instead.
"I'm sorry if you think I've been keeping things from you, but I have a lot to tell you, and I want to wait until after the hearing when things calm down. I also don't want to stress you out any more than you already are."
"If you're serious about wanting to marry me, then we shouldn't have any secrets."
“Are you saying you’re ready to say yes to my ladybug ring?”
"I'm not saying that. I just want you to know that you can trust me with anything."
“I know that, baby. Of course, I know that.”
“Did you really charter a private plane to come here?” I asked.
“Yep.”
"Cole, I don't want you spending all of your money to come to visit me. I appreciate it, but this is too much. The plane, this luxury suite, all this food." I waved my arm at the table, "How long do you think you can keep this up?" I asked. He smirked at me, and I kissed it off of his face. "Promise me you won't do this again."
“Are you coming home?”
“No.”
“Then I can’t make any promises.” He kissed me again. “Are you done eating?”
I nodded and repositioned myself in the chair, so I was straddling him, wrapping my arms around his neck and pressing our foreheads together.
"Good." He shot me a grin that made the muscles between my thighs clench. He stood with me wrapped around his torso like a spider monkey and walked into the bedroom. "Because I'm just getting started."
* * *
After a long nap, a perfect dinner, and great sex, I felt better than I had in weeks. I was tucked in the crook of Cole's arm. We were silent, just enjoying the feel of each other, the warmth of our bodies, the sound of our contented breathing, and the aroma of our lovemaking mingled with the smell of Cole's body wash, cologne, and his sweat.
"Are you sure CJ's okay?" I was hoping my nugget would be miraculously awake so I could hold him in my arms, watch his eyes light up, and hear all of the new words he must be saying.
"They're in another suite on this floor, and CJ's been asleep for hours. He's fine."
“You rented two suites?” I tried to sit up.
“Lisa, don’t worry about it, please.” He eased me back down onto the bed and into his arms.
“Fine,” I sighed.
"It better not be an expensive present." I narrowed my eyes at him, and his face broke into a wide grin.
“I didn’t pay for this one.”
I sat up so he could lean over the bed and pull a velvet box out of the pocket of his jeans, crumpled in a pile on the floor.
“That doesn’t look like a specimen cup.”
"You said you weren't ready for the specimen cup." He kissed my nose, and I smiled. Cole sat up and tucked me into his side. He was staring at the jewelry box.
“This was my mother’s.”
"Beverly?" I asked. As soon as the word left my lips, I knew I was wrong. Instead of correcting myself, I placed my hand on his heart. It was racing.
“I found it when I was going through her stuff from Missouri. I think she would’ve wanted you to have it. It feels crazy to say this, but I think my mother has been pushing us together somehow.”
He told me about his mother's accident happening the same night we met and reminded me about using her favorite song to sing CJ to sleep. Crystal's urn was sharing a shelf with my mother's books in Beverly's office and of course, all of the crazy mishaps that ended with me becoming CJ's nanny. I pressed a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth and laid my head on his shoulder, gazing at the box. He sat quietly for a moment, turning it over in his hand.
"Thank you for not moving into the apartment when I asked. You knew I wasn't ready."
“Oh, Cole. I—” He interrupted me with a kiss and placed one of my hands on his cheek.
“You’ve given me so much. I don’t even know what I could give you as a gift that could compare.”
He opened the box. It was a delicate yellow gold chain with a small charm that looked like a scrolling filigree pattern.
“It’s two Ls.” He carefully lifted it out of the box and held it up for my inspection.
“For you and CJ?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you find out why…your mother named you both Lincoln?”
He nodded and smiled.
“Well, are you gonna tell me?”
"I'd rather show you when the time is right." He kissed me. "Do you like the necklace?"
"I love it." I gathered my hair on top of my head and turned my back to him so he could put it on. His soft lips pressed a kiss to my shoulder when he finished, and I leaned back and snuggled into his arms again.
“Are you spending the night?” I traced the pad of my middle finger over the scrolling design of my Christmas present.
“I can’t. I have a meeting with Susan first thing in the morning. She wants to go over every detail one last time before the hearing.”
“So when are you leaving?” I could already feel the tears coming.
“In an hour.” He rolled over and kissed my shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
“Would I be an asshole if I asked you to stay with me?” I smiled at him.
“No, but I would be a liar if I said I didn’t want to.”
Cole snaked his arms around my waist, pulled me as close to him as possible.
“Can I fall asleep in your arms?” I said with tears in my eyes. “I don’t want to watch you leave.”
Cole planted a kiss on the top of my head. "Will you sing to me first?" he asked, and I knew which song he wanted to hear.
“Will you sing with me?” I asked.
He didn't answer me, but when I started singing, he joined in the chorus of "Tonight You Belong to Me" and pulled me closer when we sang about him being gone with the dawn. Tears streamed down my face I sang the final words, "just to little old me" and burrowed myself into Cole's chest sobbing where I drifted off, listening to his heartbeat.
31
lisa
I woke up alone. There was no video of CJ on my phone, but there was a note letting me know I could leave whenever I wanted and another gluten-free, dairy-free buffet was delivered to the room.
My hand kept going to my necklace and fingering the scrolling pattern, symbolizing the two most important people in my life that were now hundreds of miles away fighting for their lives together. And, I was here, missing them, missing everything.
I stopped by my room on the way to rehearsal. Michelle was sitting on the floor, leaning forward in a 180-degree split, watching reruns of Pose and eating a giant salad.
“Hey, how well do you know my part?” I asked her. She sat up and stared at me.
"I know it very well. I'm your understudy. What's going on? Are you leaving?" She seemed a little too excited at this news, and I wondered if I should have waited before telling her.
“I’m not sure. I’m just gathering information.”
"Does this have anything to do with why you're always depressed and mopey before you disappear for the night and come back in the morning looking like a new woman?" She raised an eyebrow at me. "Nice necklace, by the way."
I blushed, and my hand flew to my chest to stroke the pendant again.
"Yes, I know Sonia very well. I was Sonia before they offered the part to you." She said this without a trace of bitterness. "I didn't want it. I think it's cursed. You're the third person to get cast as Sonia for this leg of the tour." She laughed.
"Seriously?" I asked, and she nodded. "Could you do me a favor and not say anything about this conversation? I'm just exploring my options."
“Sure.” She shrugged and went back to eating her salad.
* * *
At the end of rehearsal, the director asked to speak to me.
“Hey, Dan. What’s up?”
"I heard you're thinking about leaving us." His face was serious, but he didn't sound upset. I whipped around to search the rehearsal room for Michelle. She was stretching with one leg up on the ballet barre. She caught me glaring at her in the mirror's reflection and shrugged.
“I was thinking about it, yeah.”
"I'm not surprised. You're great, but the tour life isn't for everybody. How much time are we talking here?"
I could feel eyes on me, but when I turned to look at the rest of the cast and crew, everyone was suddenly looking at something else.
“I was thinking that tonight would be my last show,” I said in what I hoped was a confident voice, gripping my pendant for strength.
“Shit. You know you have eight weeks left in your contract?”
“I know, but I have to go.” I didn’t realize that I was going to really leave until I said it. Once the words left my lips, I knew it was the obvious choice. The only choice. I had to get home to my boys. They needed me.
“Well, this is not a good look for you, Lisa. I’ll let legal sort out your contract. I have a show to run.” He wiped a hand over his face and shouted to the rehearsal room. “Michelle! You’re back to Sonia, starting in Rhode Island.”
Michelle's facial expression didn't change, but instead, she looked at me. She removed her leg from the barre, did one deep plié, before jogging over to me.
“Michelle, what the hell?” I hissed at her.
"You can be pissed at me, I don't give a shit. I did you a favor. I love every single moment about being on this tour, even the parts that suck. Being a performer is where my heart is. Your heart is somewhere else, and that's where you need to be. Make room for someone who wants this. And you're probably not going to believe this, but I'm actually gonna miss you and that noisy-ass machine you sleep with."
* * *
My last show was my best. I knew it was probably the last time I'd be performing for a long time, so I poured my entire heart into it.
I'd packed my suitcase and left it backstage. I did my last stage door appearance, and I didn't have to pretend to be happy, I was giddy. I was going home.
* * *
I got to the airport with just enough time to check in and make it to my flight. I booked the last one for the day.
"I'm sorry. We had to cancel your flight. The next available flight is on the twenty-eight
h at eleven a.m. Should I re-book for you?"
“The flight is canceled?” My heart thudded in my chest.
"No, we had to cancel your ticket. The flight was overbooked, so we selected a passenger to re-accommodate based on when they purchased their ticket and when they checked in for their flight."
“So, I was bumped?”
"We don't like to use that term, but we're happy to re-accommodate you and offer you some airline vouchers."
“I need to get home tonight.”
"I'm sorry, but that's not possible."
“What about tomorrow morning?”
"All the flights are booked tomorrow. It's a busy travel day."
I could feel my eyes welling with tears.
“Please, there has to be a way for me to get home tonight.”
"I would suggest renting a car, but I know all of the car rentals are sold out." Even if they weren't sold out, I haven't driven a car in over a year, and I was exhausted.
"If you had five thousand dollars lying around, you could charter a private jet to New York City, but other than that, there's no way, sweetie." She said the word sweetie with a derisive laugh.
A private jet. Why the hell didn't I think of that? Of course, I have five thousand dollars lying around. I had ten million dollars lying around that I haven't touched. My father made sure I had that money from the divorce settlement to take care of myself for the rest of my life. At the time, I thought it was because he was worried that I wouldn't find anyone to love me for who I was. But now I knew that wasn't true. I had a man who loved me because of my flaws and not in spite of them. And I was going to use this money to get back to him.
"What's the Wi-Fi?" I asked, and she told me. "Do I book the private jet here, or is there a different window?"
She did a double take and quickly recovered, narrowing her eyes. "You're going to charter a private jet. I've told you it's expensive."
Broken and Beautiful Page 148
