by Marie Astor
“Janet, everything okay in there?” Dennis knocked on the door. “Don’t forget—we gotta leave soon to pick up Leonard.”
“Give me a minute. Almost done.” Janet struggled to breathe as she finally got the bodysuit on. When they said ‘extra-firm support’ they weren’t kidding—she felt like she had been stuffed into a suit of medieval body armor. She reached for the dress and put it on—this time she slipped right into it. She put on black high-heeled pumps and grabbed her evening clutch.
“Dennis, can you zip me up?” Janet called out as she teetered into the living room. The tight, short skirt of the dress constricted her movements and would take some getting used to.
Dennis was sitting on the couch, a cognac snifter in hand, already dressed in his suit. Baxter was lying on the couch next to him, looking bored. At the sight of Janet, Baxter barked loudly and bounced off the couch. He ran toward Janet and started circling her feet, sniffing her and barking loudly.
“Whoa! Who are you and what did you do with my wife?” Dennis asked, getting up.
“Stop fooling around and zip me up.” Janet turned her back to him.
Dennis fumbled with the zipper, taking his time. “This is a hot little number—even Baxter seems to agree with me.”
“I don’t think he approves,” Janet observed, glancing down at Baxter who had stopped sniffing her and was now merely eyeing with a look of confusion on his face. “Do you think it’s too much?”
“It’s not your usual style,” Dennis said cautiously, “but isn’t that supposed to be the point?”
“Nice try.” Janet shook her head. “Anyway, I’m not changing after everything I went through to get into this dress.”
“Sounds adventurous.” Dennis took his time pulling up the zipper. “Is that lace I see? Mind if I take a peek?” He tugged at one of the shoulder straps.
“Just zip me up, will ya? We still need to get to Leonard’s and go over the talking points.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Dennis pulled up the zipper. “All done.”
“Thank you.” Janet exhaled and turned around. “How do I look?”
“Very sexy.”
“I’m serious!”
“So am I.”
“Do you think Bassand will buy it?”
“Of course he will. You look like a very sexy art thief.”
“You’re looking pretty handsome yourself.” Janet eyed Dennis’s tailored suit of dark navy wool—the classic fit showcased his cinched waist and broad shoulders perfectly. He’d paired it with a fitted blue shirt and a black tie.
“Why, thank you, ma’am. You’re very kind.”
Janet shook her head. “I’m just so nervous. What if Bassand sees right through us?”
“What’s gotten into you? It’s not like it’s our first undercover assignment.”
“It is in a way though—we’ve never dealt with art thieves before.”
“No, but we’ve dealt with crooks far more dangerous than Bassand,” Dennis reminded her. “Petr Kovar, for one.”
Janet sat down on the sofa, and propped her chin on her hands. “I don’t know why I’m so nervous.”
“I know why—that worm Leonard got to you today. Don’t listen to him—he’s a scared little mouse who’s afraid of his own shadow.”
“But what if he gives us away? Who knows what Bassand’s got up his sleeve. He could be armed for all we know.”
“But we won’t be there alone—Agent Norris will be listening in—I trust him.” Dennis briefly touched one of the shirt buttons on his chest, which had a microphone implanted into it.
“I know.” Janet clutched the rhinestone pendant she had on her neck, which had a similar device implanted into it.
“Ready?” Dennis asked.
“Ready.” Janet nodded. “Let’s give them hell.”
They were about to head for the door, when their doorbell rang.
“Who could this be?” Dennis muttered as he rushed into the foyer. “Who is it?” he asked.
“A friend.”
Dennis cracked open the door and saw Leonard Stevens standing on the threshold.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Dennis demanded. “We were supposed to pick you up.”
“I thought you might need some help getting dressed.” Leonard pushed himself inside without waiting for the invitation.
“You can’t just show up here like this.” Dennis hurried after Leonard. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“Helping you. I can’t afford for this thing to fail. Boy was I right,” he added, eyeing Dennis and shaking his head. “Now, we don’t have much time, so I suggest you do as I say.” He handed Dennis a suit bag. “Put this on. It should fit you perfectly.”
At the sound of Leonard’s voice, Baxter barked and bolted for the foyer. Janet darted after him.
“Dennis, what’s going on?” Janet called out as she chased after Baxter and nearly collided with Leonard on the way. “What are you doing here, Leonard?”
Baxter growled menacingly and scowled at Leonard.
“Quiet, you. You owe me a pair of pants,” Leonard said sourly to Baxter and Baxter growled back.
“As I remember it, you broke into our apartment,” Dennis reminded him, “so Baxter here was doing his job, defending his hearth.”
“Those were Armani trousers,” Leonard countered.
“Maybe now you can buy a pair of pants that don’t look like pantyhose,” Dennis shot back.
“Enough of this, both of you,” Janet cut in. “Leonard, you still haven’t answered my question. What are you doing here?”
“I came to help you get ready for our meeting with Bassand. And I’m glad I did. What are you wearing?” Leonard flung up his hands. “And who did your makeup—a drag queen?”
Baxter barked and wagged his tail, as though supporting Leonard’s comment.
Janet touched her face self-consciously. “I might’ve overdone it a little bit. I usually don’t wear this much makeup, but I looked tired and needed some sprucing up.”
“Sprucing up? You look like you’ve been spray-painted.” Leonard checked his watch. “If we hurry we might still salvage this mess.”
“Hey, who told you to call the shots around here?” Dennis demanded.
“No one. I’m just trying to save your behinds as well as my own,” Leonard replied, unfazed. “Change into the suit I gave you while I dress your wife.”
Dennis towered over Leonard. “You don’t get to undress my wife—”
Leonard shrunk away. “I said dress, not undress. And I was only metaphorically speaking. Look, I’m just trying to help here. But if you don’t want my advice, you’re free to walk in there like a couple of clowns and make total fools of yourselves.”
Dennis took another step toward Leonard. “You little squirmy worm of a man—”
“Dennis, let’s give it a try,” Janet said quickly. “Leonard knows Bassand better than we do. He might be onto something.”
“Finally, someone with the presence of mind.” Leonard handed Janet a garment bag. “Put this on. It should fit you perfectly. I’ll wait out here.”
Janet went into the bedroom and unzipped the gown bag. She was pleasantly surprised with its contents. Inside, was a beautiful taffeta cocktail dress, the color of midnight blue. It had a high-neck fitted bodice and a full skirt with darts at the waist—the kind of dress Janet would normally wear and the kind that didn’t require a suit of armor underneath it. She fumbled with the zipper of her dress, contemplating asking Dennis for help, but decided against it. There was just no time. It took pushing her flexibility limits to the maximum, but she finally managed to unzip herself and got out of the bandage dress. Then she pulled off the girdle, which was getting more and more constricting by the minute, happy to finally be able to breathe.
She took Leonard’s dress off the hanger and put it on. It fit like a dream—the tailored bodice and the full skirt made her feel elegant and sophisticated. And the fact that she could actually br
eathe was a welcome change. Janet put her shoes on—Leonard seemed to be fine with them—and grabbed her clutch. She opened the bedroom door and found Leonard waiting behind it.
“Did it fit?” Leonard asked anxiously. “Let’s have a look.”
“I think so.” Janet took a few steps back and turned around to give him a better view.
“Excellent.” Leonard nodded approvingly. “My friend Tracy knows what she’s doing. I have a friend who works in the designer section at Bloomingdale’s,” he added. “I thought I’d try out the expense card Agent Norris gave me.”
“Leonard!” Janet chided him. “I don’t think you were supposed to do that.” But truth be told, she couldn’t help liking the dress, even if it did come from Leonard.
“That’s exactly what I’m supposed to do if the feds actually want this so called operation to succeed. Now, let’s take care of this makeup. I see you have a vanity table,” Leonard noted, “what a nice surprise. Maybe now you’ll learn how to use it.” He made his way into the bedroom. “Have a seat.”
Janet did as she was told.
“Do you have cotton balls?”
“Yes.” Janet handed him the jar.
“Great.” Leonard took out a cotton ball and proceeded to wipe it over her face in fierce circular motions.
“Hey, careful there!” Janet complained. “I’m not a canvass.”
“Exactly, so you shouldn’t slather yourself with paint as though you were one,” Leonard muttered. He continued to wipe off her makeup vigorously. “There, I think we’re getting somewhere.” He took a step back and gave her a once over. “Do you have tissues?”
“Yes.” Janet pointed to a box of tissues.
“Take a tissue and wipe that horrendous lipstick off,” Leonard instructed.
“I normally wear a much lighter color,” Janet admitted as she wiped off the dark red lipstick she’d applied earlier.
“Let me see your makeup case,” Leonard demanded and Janet complied with his request. He eyed it like a palette of colors and picked out a pink-beige shade of lipstick. “Just put one coat and we should be all set to go.”
Janet did as she was told and checked her reflection in the mirror. She was pleased with what she saw—Leonard had erased the sharp contours she’d worked so hard to create—she looked softer and prettier and surprisingly refreshed. “Leonard, you’re in the wrong profession—you should’ve been a makeup artist.”
“Maybe I’ll consider it, provided we all make it through tonight.”
Janet gave him a sharp look. “You don’t sound like we can pull it off.”
“It won’t be easy. Bassand is no idiot. No offense, but you and especially Dennis aren’t exactly art experts. And most art thieves do know a thing or two about art.”
“Don’t worry about us,” Janet assured him. “We’ll hold up our end of the bargain. But if we’re going to work together, we’re going to have to trust each other. And we’re going to have to find a way to get along. Sure, we haven’t met under the best of circumstances, but we’ve got to make the best of it,” Janet said. “Can I count on you, Leonard?”
Leonard sighed. “Yes, you can count on me. I’ll do my best to make sure Bassand doesn’t suspect anything.”
“And Dennis? Can Dennis count on you too?” Janet pressed.
“Yes,” Leonard replied after a moment’s pause. “He can count on me. It would help though if he would stop putting me down all the time.”
“I’ll talk to him. He doesn’t mean anything by it, though. He’s just nervous—we all are.”
Leonard nodded. “Fine. I made my bed now I have to sleep in it, metaphorically speaking of course,” he added hastily.
“Let’s go check on Dennis,” Janet said. She opened the door and headed into the living room where Dennis was waiting for her on the couch. As before, Baxter was sitting by his side. At the sight of Janet, Baxter leapt up to his paws and ran towards her.
“What have you done with my suit?” Leonard exclaimed, overtaking Janet and rushing toward Dennis. At the sight of him, Baxter barked loudly and Leonard stopped in his tracks. “Would you please get a hold of your dog? I can’t work like this!”
“I’ll be with you in a moment, Lenny. Baxter will keep you company.” Dennis sidestepped Leonard and walked over to Janet. Baxter sat down on the floor, bared his teeth in a growl, and stared Leonard down. “Let me take a look at my wife. Not bad, surprisingly not bad.” Dennis nodded approvingly, as he gave Janet a onceover. “Though I must say I really enjoyed your earlier outfit.”
“It was trashy and you should’ve told me so,” Janet pointed out.
“Trashy is too strong a word. It was very . . . form-fitting,” Dennis offered. “Lenny you’ve got taste. I give you that.”
“Why, thank you. That’s very generous coming from you,” Leonard said tartly. “Now, would you care to explain why you ruined the outfit I brought you?”
“I didn’t ruin it. I’m wearing your ridiculous suit, aren’t I? It’s so tight, I feel the seams are going to burst any second. And what’s up with these trousers? They barely cover my ankles. I don’t want to walk around with my socks out for everyone to see,” Dennis complained.
“It’s the latest cut,” Leonard countered. “But of course it requires a sense of style to appreciate it.”
Dennis scoffed. “Excuse me, Mr. Style Authority. By the way, I did put on the purple socks that you brought. But the shirt is where I draw the line. Not only is the color hideous, it’s way too tight.”
“The shirt you have on is all wrong. It’s too puffy and it’s making the jacket look all wrong,” Leonard complained.
Dennis crossed his arms. “Damn, this jacket is tight. I feel the seams are going to rip in the back. I’m not wearing an eggplant-colored shirt and that’s final.”
“It’s not eggplant—it’s aubergine,” Leonard corrected. “It’s a very fashionable color at the moment. And the jacket is perfectly fitted.”
“Says who, Leonard the fashion expert?” Dennis countered.
“Gentlemen,” Janet cut in. “Please, stop. We don’t have time to bicker or we’re going to be late.” She knew the real reason Dennis was refusing to wear the shirt Leonard had brought, but she wasn’t going to mention it. The shirt Dennis had on had the microphone implanted into one of the buttons, but those were the details Leonard didn’t need to know. He’d been made to wear a microphone himself, and Janet was pretty sure he was smart enough to figure out that she and Dennis would be wearing similar devices, but he didn’t need to know the exact locations. “Dennis, may I have a word?” Janet asked meaningfully.
“Of course. Excuse us, Leonard. Baxter will keep you company,” Dennis said wryly.
Janet picked up the shirt Leonard had brought and weaved her arm through Dennis’s. “We’ll be right back.”
As Janet steered Dennis toward the bedroom, Leonard moved to sit down on the couch. Instantly, Baxter growled menacingly, baring his front teeth. “Hey, you’re just going to leave me here with him?” Leonard cried out pitifully.
“We need someone to keep an eye on you,” Dennis said pointedly.
“Don’t worry, Leonard. Baxter won’t hurt you,” Janet assured him. “Baxter, behave,” she added in a firm tone, “stop scaring our guest.”
Baxter barked back, but Janet shook her head. “That’s no way to behave, Baxter. Be a good boy now.”
Baxter wagged his tail and rubbed his muzzle with his paw, clearly embarrassed.
“Good boy.” Janet smiled at Baxter. “Come on,” she tugged on Dennis’s arm. “We don’t have much time.”
Once they were inside their bedroom, Janet closed the door behind them. “Are you trying to ruin this investigation?” she hissed at Dennis.
“Whoa! Where did this come from?”
“Leonard may be a scumbag, but he’s a useful scumbag and we’ll get more out of him if we keep him happy. Stop putting him down all the time.”
“My apologies. I didn’t re
alize I was supposed to worry about Leonard’s feelings,” Dennis countered.
“I’m serious,” Janet said firmly. “He’s really upset at the way you keep putting him down.”
“I see you had a nice little heart-to-heart.”
“Would you stop being so childish? We don’t want to alienate him so he rats us out to Bassand. We need to make him feel safe so that he trusts us.”
“No need to get all worked up. I was just busting his chops a little bit, but if he’s such a ninny, I’ll stop. But you do realize why I can’t wear the shirt he brought?” Dennis added meaningfully.
“Of course I do. That’s why I pulled you in here. I’m going to cut off the button and you can put it in your jacket pocket.”
“But it won’t be the same quality of sound,” Dennis protested.
“I’m sure the FBI will be able to listen in.”
“Why can’t I just keep the old shirt on?”
“Because it looks all wrong with this suit,” Janet said flatly. She reached for the chest of drawers and took out her nail kit. A moment later she had the scissors out. “Change your shirt and I’ll take the button off.”
“Fine,” Dennis grumbled. He unbuttoned his old shirt and pulled on the shirt Leonard had brought him. “Fits like a glove, and I don’t mean it in a good way,” he said, as he buttoned up.
“I kind of like it—very form-fitting.” Janet felt Dennis’s triceps. “Makes your assets stand out.”
“Thanks.” Dennis hastily pulled on the jacket. “I feel naked. I don’t know how women walk around in those tight outfits.”
“You look very stylish.” Janet stifled a smile. Dennis could carry off any look, but there was no denying that the classic-cut suit he had on before was a much better choice for him. But if wearing the latest gimmick was going to get them in with Bassand, Dennis could sacrifice his sense of style for a few weeks. Janet put the button with the microphone into his jacket pocket. “All set to go.”
Chapter 9
Later that night, at exactly the appointed hour, Leonard rang the doorbell of Bassand’s townhouse. Janet and Dennis waited a few steps behind him, taking in their surroundings. From the looks of it, Bassand didn’t lack for anything. His mansion on the Upper East Side looked like something straight out of Edith Wharton’s novel.
