“Junie?” Peter’s voice pleaded. “Later today?”
“Um.” Junie looked at Brian. “Maybe we should skip Deep Creek. Sarah had an awful night last night, and I’d still really like to get her in to see Theresa.”
“It can wait a day or two.” Brian crossed his arms.
“Junie, your bakery?” Peter asked.
Everything inside Junie screamed to get out of the house and leave father and son to battle out whatever was going on, but Junie was frozen. She couldn’t answer Peter, and she couldn’t look away from Brian’s stare. Her stomach ached. What could possibly be going on between them?
“We’ll go today and be back Sunday night,” Brian said.
Junie answered Brian. “Okay.”
“Good, I’m on my way,” Peter said.
Shit.
Chapter Forty-Four
Sarah stood before the refrigerator, staring up at the plants.
“Sarah, honey, let’s go outside for a bit.” Brian had taken the car to get gas—or so he said—leaving Junie with a little thinking space. If she met Peter, she had about an hour before she’d have to leave. She’d just tell Brian she’d had to run into the bakery to tie up a few loose ends. First, though, she had to help her daughter pull out of whatever was spiraling her into regressing, or rather, she had to find out what was circling in her daughter’s mind, and the only way to do that was to try and get Sarah to talk about it.
They walked across the grass toward the rock garden that lined the fence, stepping over roots from the giant oak tree Sarah had named Weird Harold the summer before.
“Careful of Harold,” Junie said. “What do you want to do here? Want to see if there are salamanders or ants under the rocks?” Finding bugs was just one of the activities that Sarah used to enjoy with her grandfather. Junie crouched beside Sarah, missing her father with an ache so big it felt like a rain cloud hovering above her.
She watched Sarah touch the rocks, then pick up a stick and dig in the mud.
“Sarah, honey, why are you digging so much?”
Sarah flicked dirt up into the air with the tip of her stick.
“Are you looking for something?”
Sarah didn’t answer. Junie let it go and decided that maybe letting Sarah play out her frustrations would pay off in the long run. She picked up a stick and began digging. Sarah stopped digging and looked at her mother.
Junie pretended to use all her strength to dig, moving from side to side, pushing down on the stick she held within her fist.
Sarah mimicked her movements. She’d mimicked her movements before, so Junie didn’t see her daughter’s aping her movements as a golden ticket, but mimicking was a form a communication, and that was a start.
Junie tried to get Sarah to speak to her. She asked her what she was digging for, if she liked the flowers, which rock was her favorite, and several other open-ended questions.
Thirty silent minutes later, Junie stood, wiped off her hands, and surveyed the holes that ran down their yard. It looked like a bad scene from Gophers Gone Wild.
Junie’s cell phone rang. Katie. Junie answered the phone, walking away from where Sarah was digging.
“Junes, I’m really sorry about snapping at you. I don’t know what got into me. We’re friends, right?”
The hope in Katie’s voice got on Junie’s last nerve. She pressed her hand to her temple, took a deep breath, and decided to confront her head on. “Katie, I have no idea what you were talking about. I can’t remember a damn thing, and I can’t get any straight answers. I feel like I’m losing my mind.”
Katie remained silent.
“Ugh! I’m sorry, okay. I’m a bit frazzled right now.” She looked at her torn up yard. “My daughter is going through a rough time, and this whole thing with Ellen has me distracted.”
Katie cleared her throat. The tremble in her voice made Junie believe she was holding back tears. “I’m sorry about your daughter. I didn’t know.”
“I know. It’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. It just is.”
Sarah picked up a giant rock and held it above her head. “Sarah, put that down,” Junie said instinctively. The rock magnified before her…Squirt! Get outta here! Brian’s voice echoed in her head. She leaned against a tree. The rock flashed again and again over his head, a bad rerun. Ellen’s shriek raced through her ears. Junie froze.
“Junie, are you okay?”
She dropped the phone and crumbled to her knees. Katie’s voice seemed very far away.
Junie stretched her fingers, reaching for the phone as if in a haze. She lifted it to her ear as Katie rambled on.
“Junie? I’m sorry, okay? It’s just that this pact is killing me. It’s been years.”
Junie’s eyes drifted to the garden. Suddenly she saw herself as a little girl, her hair blowing in the wind, drizzle hitting her cheeks, thunder roaring above. She was freezing, lonely, sad about Ellen being gone. It was pitch dark outside. Her bare feet sank into the wet ground. She stood at the back of the Olsons’ garden, shivering in a thin nightgown that hung to her ankles. Hidden behind a large tree, she stared up at Ellen’s window. Ellen had to come back; she just had to.
Peter’s sobs drew her attention. He knelt at the edge of the rose garden, his shoulders hunched, his knees sunk deep into the wet earth. “I’m so sorry,” he cried.
Junie’s chest constricted.
A gust of wind came across the hill, blowing rose petals across the yard. Several blew by her face, floating slowly down and landing near Junie’s feet. One lone petal clung to her thin nightgown.
The phone slipped from her hands as the world turned black. Junie faded in and out of consciousness. Strong hands lifted her under the arms, guiding her toward the house. Her mind drifted back in time. The smell of the creek surrounded her. She needed to find Ellen.
Chapter Forty-Five
Junie awoke in a full-blown panic. Sweat poured feverishly down her forehead.
“Junie? Are you okay?”
She blinked, bringing Brian into focus. Brian. She used the heels of her feet for traction as she scooched toward the headboard—away from Brian, and then turned her face away from his reach.
“What’s wrong with you?” Brian asked, backing away from the bed. “June, it’s me, Brian.”
“I…I know who you are.” She caught sight of herself in the bedroom mirror—her hair stuck out in tangled knots, and her cheeks were marked with dirt. She looked at her hands, also covered in dirt, mud packed tight under her nails. “Where’s Sarah?” She looked frantically around the room.
“With my father.”
“Peter? He’s here?” She pulled the blanket up to her chest.
“He got here about an hour ago. He said you were supposed to meet him, and when you didn’t, he got worried and came over.”
Junie watched Brian swallow hard, then close his eyes.
“Junie, we need to talk.”
“Not now,” she said. She was not up for any more drama. “I need to get cleaned up.”
“Can’t that wait? I have something that I need to tell you.”
Junie was so confused. She wasn’t ready to hear what he had to say. She needed to know what she was dealing with first, make sure Sarah was safe. Make sure she was safe. Her life had turned inside out. “Can you call my mom?”
“Your mom? Are you sick? Do you need me to take you to the doctor?” Brian moved closer to her—she flinched, pulled away.
“I’m…not feeling well, and I just want her here. Is that too much to ask?” Her voice escalated and trembled.
“Junie, I just want to talk to you.”
Junie sat up straight on the bed. “Brian, not now. I’m in no shape to talk about anything.” I don’t know who you are.
Brian reached for her cell phone, dialed Ruth’s number, and handed the phone to Junie.
She watched him walk out the bedroom door and waited for the door to close before she spoke.
“Mom?” she said quietly.
“I think I’m in trouble. I need to talk to you.”
“June? What’s wrong? What’s happened?”
Junie laid all of her memories out for Ruth. She told her that she wasn’t sure, but she thought Brian might have hurt Ellen.
Ruth was silent for a moment. Junie waited, twisting the blanket around her finger.
“Honey, I want you to know that I hear you. I understand what you are saying, and I can hear how serious you are. I’m taking what you are telling me very seriously.”
“But?”
“But I know Brian. I’ve known him since he was a toddler. He couldn’t have hurt Ellen. Besides, how could a fourteen-year-old make a little girl disappear? It just doesn’t make any sense.”
Junie bit her lip, thinking about what her mother said. “That’s seems right, but what about my memories?”
“Oh, Junie, look at what you thought about your father, and you were way off base, right? You can’t throw your marriage away. Brian adores you. If you want to know what I think, I think you are flat-out exhausted. You haven’t slept in months. Your heart is ripped out day in and day out because you don’t know what’s going on with Sarah, and for some reason, your brain is twisting things around.”
“Do you really think so? I mean, I am so tired I can barely see straight, and I feel so useless as a mother.” She struggled to get words out around her tears. “I…I can’t even help my daughter figure out why she’s doing all these weird things.” Junie wept. “Mom, do you think I’m a terrible mother? I mean, is Sarah trying to be a baby because it was easier for her then than it is now? Was I nicer then? Did I give her more attention when she was a baby?” She wiped tears from her cheeks, feeling like a complete failure and hoping her mother would say something, anything, to make her feel better.
“June Marie, take a deep breath. You are an excellent mother.” Ruth spoke as if she were giving a directive, then asked, “Did I ever tell you about your fourth-grade graduation?”
“No,” Junie said, already feeling a little better. She hadn’t realized how much the rifts that had occurred, first with Brian, then with her mother, had drained her. Sarah’s regression had also been slowly sucking the life out of her, and her suspicions about Brian had her tied in knots. Losing her father had kicked off a tornado of memories, and when the hurt and confusion of the mess that had become her life intersected, she was sucked into the eye of the storm. Her mother’s voice, her mother’s confidence in Junie’s mothering skills, was the life vest she needed.
“Well, I missed it. I had a flat tire on the way to the grocery store, and back then, there were no cell phones, so I walked two miles to the gas station, then had to wait for the guy to drive me to my car. It was just a nightmare. Anyway, by the time I got home, I was in no mood to be around anyone, so your dad took you.”
“I don’t remember that.”
“No, I don’t suppose you would. You were busy with your friends and giddy over the trip to the ice cream store afterward. I tormented myself for weeks. Every time a friend would bring up graduation, I’d feel sick, guilty beyond belief. But you.” Ruth laughed. “One day you told me that you were glad that I didn’t come to your graduation.”
“Oh, that’s really nice. Sorry, Mom.”
“No, you didn’t say it meanly. You said that all the other mothers were so plain that I would have made them feel bad.”
Junie smiled. “I said that?”
“Yes, my dear, you did, and please don’t tell me that you didn’t mean it. That one comment pulled me through your teen years.” She laughed.
“You always make me feel better.”
“I always tell you the truth. You make yourself feel better,” Ruth answered.
“Maybe you’re right about Brian, but there’s one thing that doesn’t make sense, and it’s driving me insane. Remember Katie? She called me after I went to see her, and she told me that I left her house that afternoon, that I went after Ellen, and that when I came back, we made some sort of a pact not to tell something. She said I should ask Brian what she was talking about.”
“Junie, Katie Frank is a little snark. Don’t you remember how jealous she was of you and Ellen?”
“Mom, I feel like I must have floated through my younger years without a care in the world. I don’t remember jack shi—” Junie cleared her throat. “I don’t remember anything.”
“Well, I wouldn’t worry yourself any about Kate. She probably never got over the fact that Brian married you. She had a thing for him. Whew! If young girls only knew how foolish they looked when they were in that hormonal stage. She used to walk up and down our block in those hot pants of hers. I can’t believe you don’t remember. Up and back, up and back, just trying to get Brian’s attention.”
“Nope, nada. I don’t think Brian and I even spoke much after Ellen disappeared until after college.”
“Yes, you’re right there. He sort of boxed himself off from everyone.” Ruth made a tsk sound. “It must have been grueling for him, to lose a sister like that.”
Junie closed her eyes against a wave of guilt. “I’m so glad I have you, Mom, and I’m so sorry that I’ve been too wrapped up in my own crap to help you when you need it most.”
“You’re fine, Junie. Since you were a little girl, you could get wrapped up in things and think you had them all figured out. You…you like chaos, I think. Or maybe you like mysteries. I don’t know what it is, but give yourself a little break. You’ve let your imagination get the best of you. I love you, and you know what? I’m just fine. I hug your father’s pillow at night, and I talk to him like he’s still there, but I’m a tough old bird. I’ll get through it.”
After she hung up the phone, Junie lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling, wishing she could be more like her mother: always in control, the right answer perched on the tip of her tongue.
Brian knocked at the door, then opened it a crack. “Is it safe to come in?”
“Yeah.” Junie sat up and decided to trust her mother’s judgment above her own. Ruth seemed the more rational of the two. “I’ve been thinking, maybe we should take that trip.”
Brian’s eyes sparkled. “Really?” His smile sank into his most serious look. “Junie, my dad wants to talk to you. I have something—”
Junie swatted the air dismissively. “Whatever is between you and your dad is between you and your dad. Can you please tell him thank you for coming, but that I’m too tired to talk right now? I’ll catch up with him when we get back.”
“Are you sure?” Brian sat on the edge of the bed.
Junie nodded and Brian wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to his chest. A rush of anxiety swirled through her. She closed her eyes against it. She was determined to have a few good days. They deserved that.
Chapter Forty-Six
For the first time in what seemed like forever, Junie was able to relax. She sat in a rocking chair on the front porch of the rustic cabin overlooking the lake. Sarah was busy digging holes near the water’s edge, and Junie made a conscious decision not to worry about why Sarah was digging. Thankfully, Sarah had gone without an accident since the evening before.
The whir of Brian’s cast broke through the peaceful silence. It was a comforting sound, coming from the edge of the dock where he stood. He wore a pair of jeans and an open flannel shirt over a dark T-shirt. Junie watched him with interest. Her eyes followed the line of his back to the curve of his rear. Not bad, she thought, and realized how much she missed him. How much she missed them. Life had become such a cacophony of issues that their time together, the closeness that they’d once shared—the secret smiles, stolen kisses, and late nights spent making love—had been replaced with angst and worry and a distance that had become almost too vast to bridge.
Junie sauntered down to the dock, kissing Sarah on the top of her head as she passed.
Brian’s fishing rod arced as she approached, and Brian let out a shout of surprise. He arched his back, drawing the rod toward him.
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��Wow, you got it. You got it!” Junie squealed. “Sarah, come see Daddy’s fish!”
Sarah lifted her head in Junie’s direction.
“Come on. Come on,” Junie urged.
Sarah walked slowly toward them. When she reached the edge of the dock, she stopped.
“Come on!” Junie waved her up.
Sarah moved slowly toward them, her eyes locked on the fish.
Brian lifted the fish out of the water and lowered it onto the dock. “Whoa, it’s a beauty! Look at that pike. Sarah, come here.” Brian grabbed a pair of needle-nose pliers from the tackle box. He stepped on the tail of the fish with the toe of his left sneaker, latched the pliers on to the end of the hook, and wiggled and pulled until the hook tore free. Drops of blood splattered onto the deck. “Dinner!”
Sarah screamed, a guttural, terrified scream that echoed in the mountains. She grabbed the sides of her head, her face beet red.
Brian whipped his head up, his arms following. The hook caught in the webbing between his index finger and thumb.
Junie ran to Sarah’s side. “It’s okay. It’s all right, Sarah.” She tried to wrap her arms around her. Sarah pushed her away, stumbling backward on the wooden decking and falling into the deep water. “Sarah!” Junie watched in horror as her daughter’s arms flailed in that second before she broke the water and shot beneath the surface. Junie reached for her arm and missed.
In that split second, when disbelief met with panic, Junie thought her heart might stop. Sarah disappeared into the murky water. The world spun around Junie; darkness pushed at the edges of her vision. The hook was lodged in Brian’s hand, tethering him to the fishing pole. He tore at the fishing line, trying to break free. “Jump, Junie. Get her!” he commanded.
Junie was paralyzed with fear. Ellen fell backward. Ellen. Ellen echoed in her head.
“Go!” Brian commanded. “Now!”
Brian’s voice called her back to the present. She jumped off the edge of the dock into the icy cold water. She dove under, looking for Sarah. The water was too deep, too murky to see. She popped back up to the top, gasping for air, dog-paddling to the best of her ability. The image of Ellen’s lifeless body seared into her mind. She gasped, falling under the water, then popped back up again. Brian ripped the hook free and dove into the water.
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