by Staci Hart
“But how did it end up that I have to deal with the fallout of what they do and how you feel about it?”
“I know it sucks, trust me. Do you think I want to be sleeping in Lily’s bed instead of my own? Or that I want to be here, in your space after you’ve been doing your best to ignore me for months? I’m not trying to push you into something you don’t want, so if you want me to go, I’ll go. Just say the word.”
I let out a heavy breath and poked at my dinner with my fork, feeling like a dick again because I was one. It wasn’t fair for either of us. “No. I’m sorry, you’re right. It’s just … this is a little stressful.”
“I know.”
“But if the tables were turned, if they were in my space, loud fuckery or not, I know it would be really weird. Like, even just walking in and seeing them hanging out feels like an intrusion. I’d want somewhere else to be too, if I were you. I love them, and I love them together. I just can’t handle the reminder that I’m alone. And now that they’re both free for a bit, this is almost the only place to be alone. So I’m sorry for putting up a fight about this. It’s just … it’s not easy, that’s all.” Because I hate you, and I love you, and I hate that I love you.
His smile was small, with a hint of sadness.
Just do this, Rose. It’s the right thing to do. Accept it and find a way to deal. I took a breath and did my best to let it go, or at least loosen my death grip on it. “Well, you have my permission to come and go at will. Not that you were waiting on it,” I said with a smirk as I loaded my fork and brought it to my lips. “How was your day?” I took a bite, anxious to change the subject.
“Full of surprises. Like Seth coming by the shop.”
I swallowed my noodles like they were made of sawdust. “Yeah. What was that all about?”
He watched his fingers as he picked at the edge of the placemat in front of him. “A friend of ours died. He wanted to know if I knew.”
I lowered my fork, my eyes searching his face. “I’m sorry.” I said quietly.
He shook his head, eyes still down. “It’s all right. He looked good though, didn’t he?”
“He really did. So, what did he want?”
Patrick chuckled. “You sound like Joel.”
I shrugged one shoulder. “Well, Joel’s a smart dude. Seth always wants something.”
“I don’t think he does. Not this time. He’s clean, has a real job. He’s coming to Habits for my birthday in a couple of days.”
I made a butthurt face. “Thanks for the invite.”
“It was Joel’s idea,” was his defense.
“And Seth got an invitation before me. I see where I sit on the food chain. Maybe I’ll change my locks after all,” I joked.
He smiled. “I really did forget about the party. I don’t think about my birthdays. As far as I’m concerned it’s just another day.”
“But it’s not. It’s your day. I don’t care if The Sergeant didn’t give that to you. We’ll make a big deal about it. Always.”
His eyes were hot again. “You don’t miss what you never had.”
My breath was shallow, and I turned my attention back to my noodles. “Who’s going?”
“The Tonic crew for sure. Hopefully you guys.”
“And Seth.”
He watched me, fiddling with the placemat again. “And Seth.”
I set my fork down, trying not to be pushy. But I couldn’t just sit by and watch him get tangled up in another mess. “Do you really think it’s a good idea to get mixed up with Seth again?”
“I’m not getting mixed up with anything,” he said simply and leaned on the table. “He’s my oldest friend. You have to get that.”
“I do, but he’s only brought you pain and drama.”
He shook his head. “That’s not true. He gave me hope at a time in my life where I had next to none.”
“So did Joel.”
“And I’d do anything for him too.” It was a simple truth.
I frowned, not willing to accept his logic. “The difference is that Joel wouldn’t take advantage of you. Seth will.”
“I’m not putting any expectation on Seth. I’m not going to fuck this up, Rose. But he came to me and said he’s sober and apologized. I’m not letting him in, but I’m not shutting him out, either. Just trust me, okay? I’m not going to get suckered into anything. I know how he works, and I’m smart enough to know better than to pin my hopes on him.”
I nodded reluctantly, because what else could I do? “Okay. I’m sorry.”
His face softened, and he smiled. “Don’t be. Thanks for looking out for me.”
“Did you eat?”
“Yeah, I grabbed something after work. You work tonight?”
I shook my head. “I’m off again. What are your plans?”
“Didn’t have any. Was just going to chill, maybe sketch, but I don’t know. West and Lily are camped out in the living room.”
Damn them. I sighed again in resignation. “Well, you can hang here.”
“I promise I’ll be good and quiet.”
I laughed. “No wild dance parties?”
“Only if you want one.” He pushed away from the table and stood. “I’m going to grab my stuff. I’ll be back in a bit.”
“All right,” I said as he walked out, leaving me alone again.
I sighed again, book abandoned as my thoughts circled around. If I’d thought things were complicated before, it was nothing compared to where we were headed, and I felt my control slipping away. I couldn’t deny him, and part of me didn’t want to. But the louder, pushier part of me knew better. Knew that with every inch I gave, the more danger I was in. I couldn’t fall again — I still hadn’t healed from the last time.
I finished my noodles and cleaned up, settling into the couch with my book just as he came back, taking a seat next to me at the end of the couch. Music played, filling the silence, the comforting quiet of just being together. His feet were on the coffee table, and I leaned on the arm of the couch on my end, legs stretched across the cushion between us, trying not to think about him, though I snuck glances when I could. I always loved to watch him draw — his eyes trained on the page, the muscles of his forearms fluttering, making waves in the tattoos across his skin.
After a while, my nerves had quieted, and I found myself absorbed in my book. My legs stretched out incrementally until my toes and the tops of my feet were hooked behind his bicep and part of his back. Then his arm moved to rest behind my calf, pulling my leg into his side. As conscious as I was of him, it felt easy, natural, without intention or expectation, and before very long, I was so content, so comfortable, that I didn’t even realize I’d fallen asleep next to him.
WHENEVER
Rose
A KNOCK RAPPED AT THE door, but it sounded so far away, and I was so warm. I nuzzled into Patrick’s neck and sighed, and his arms tightened around me in answer.
My eyes flew open.
Patrick.
I jerked away from him like I’d been electrocuted, arms and legs flying as I rolled off the couch and hit the ground with a thump, elbow first.
“Shit,” I hissed as the knock came again.
I glanced around, eyes bleary, rubbing my elbow, heart pounding as I looked back at Patrick — his eyes barely open as he looked around, confused. It was barely daylight, and I realized we’d slept on the couch. Together. All night. Somehow, we’d ended up twisted around each other like ivy.
“Rooooooose? Hellooooooo? Anybody home?” The voice from the other side of the door was muffled, but I knew it, and as I shuffled to the door, I tried to wrap my sleepy brain around what was going on.
I pulled open the door, my surprise settling in as I took in the sight of my cousin, Ellie, standing in my hallway with an innocent grin on her heart-shaped face.
Ellie Fisher was just over five feet of porcelain skin and soft, curvy body. The barely twenty-one bombshell had the body of an adult, the face of a teenager, and the brain of a second-grader
, with the biggest heart, bless it.
“Rose!” She rushed me, hugging me with more strength than I expected.
“Ellie?” I sputtered and pulled away. “What are you doing here?”
She smiled and pushed her long, copper hair over her shoulder. “I came to visit!”
“I can see that. But why are you here? And at —” I glanced at the clock. “—Six in the morning?”
Her brow quirked. “You said I could come see you whenever, so I did.” She put her hands up in the air. “Surprise!”
“But…” I started, trying to make sense of it all. “Did I miss a message from you? I mean, you didn’t leave me a voicemail, right? Because you know I don’t use my phone for that.”
“No, you said whenever, so here I am.” She was still smiling sweetly as she grabbed the handle of her suitcase and brushed past me.
I sighed. “Come on in.”
“Thanks, Rosie.” Ellie stopped just inside the door and gaped when she saw Patrick.
He sat up and rubbed his face, smiling at Ellie as he blinked his eyes open. “Hey.”
Her eyes went wide. “Oh, my God, Rose. Is this that guy you used to date that you said did that thing in bed where he—”
I laughed super loud to cover whatever she was about to say and grabbed her by the shoulders to present her to Patrick. “Tricky, this is my cousin Ellie. Looks like she’s going to be staying with us for a while.”
His jaw was a sharp line, the corner of his mouth drawing up in a smirk. “Nice to meet you.”
Ellie’s brows knit together in confusion. “Wait, he lives here? Were you guys sleeping together? I thought you guys broke up?”
My cheeks were on fire, and I wished to God she picked up on body language, particularly mine as it told her to stop talking. “Ah, he’s just staying here for a little while.”
“But where’s Lily?”
“Staying with West, so we sort of swapped roommates temporarily. Tricky here has been sleeping in her old room.”
She snickered. “Not what it looks like to me. I can sleep on the couch, as long as you guys aren’t using it.” Her eyebrows climbed.
Patrick shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. Take the room. I have a bed at my own place.”
“I’m down for whatever,” she said with a shrug.
“You take the room. I insist.” He smiled, but I could see how bummed he was, and I’ll admit — I hated seeing him like that, knowing he was contemplating more sleepless nights. Not enough to demand he sleep on my couch, though. I’d offer it, but no way would I push him to stay. Especially after last night, or this morning, or whatever time we ended up cuddling on the couch. Like I needed shirtless Patrick in my house any more than was absolutely necessary.
I tried not to think about how good that had felt, being close to him. Being in his arms, his skin against mine, his —
Stop it, goddammit.
I smiled. “Couch is always free, Trick.”
“Thanks, Rose.”
I turned to my cousin and took a breath, still a little flabbergasted. “I’m just so surprised to see you, El.”
“Good, that was the idea.” She was still smiling like she’d slept for nine hours and had the best night’s sleep of her life. “I took the redeye out of LA and slept on the plane, so I’m ready for a day of New Yorking! What should we do first?”
I blinked. “I have no idea.”
“Okay, well you take a minute to think it over and wake up while I go get me and Valentino settled in.”
I stopped and looked over at her, realizing she had a small crate attached to her suitcase. “Valentino?”
Ellie smiled, rolling her eyes dramatically. “My cat, silly.”
I cocked my head. “How long are you staying, El?”
She shrugged and rolled her way into Lily’s room. “You know, just however long,” she said noncommittally.
Ellie disappeared into the room, and I turned back to look at Patrick, who shook his head.
“I have no idea what’s happening,” I muttered.
“Looks like you got a new roommate.”
“And a cat.”
He smiled. “And a cat.”
“Just what I never wanted.”
As if on cue, a very fat, very fancy black cat strutted out of Lily’s room, sizing Patrick and I up with judgy, green eyes. His fur was black, though his paws and chest were white with a black marking just under his neck, which made him look like he was wearing a tuxedo. He hopped up on the table and sat, wrapping his fluffy black tail around his paws.
I reached out to scratch his neck. “Hello, there, Valentino.”
He lifted his jaw, looking away with a meow, giving me his permission to pet him.
I couldn’t help but laugh. “This cat is fancy as fuck.”
Valentino looked less than impressed at the likes of Patrick and me.
Patrick padded into the kitchen to make coffee, and I sat down at the table, feeling overwhelmed.
I ran my hand down Valentino’s silky back, and he arched his spine into my palm as I watched Patrick pouring the water in the tank, putting in the filter, pouring in the grounds, all while bugging the fuck out.
I’d just woken up in Patrick Evans’ arms.
Those were words I never thought I’d utter again, even if only in my mind.
I couldn’t remember how it happened, if he’d fallen asleep first or if I had. It was just like it used to be, the two of us wound together — we always slept like that, before. Part of me wondered if he’d planned it, wondered if he was fucking with me or something. But I watched him, standing in my apartment, looking like he belonged there, making coffee like he used to, making me feel like I used to. Making it harder to keep my feelings in check.
He hurt you, Rose. Don’t forget that.
The truth of the matter was that it meant nothing. It didn’t change the fact that we weren’t together. It didn’t change anything that had happened between us. It didn’t mean he was forgiven, or that I was wanted.
It didn’t change anything.
There was only one solution: to pretend it didn’t happen.
So instead of dealing, I’d throw myself into planning Ellie’s day.
I got up and made my way to the couch, digging through the cushions until I found my phone to text Maggie.
Hey, hope it’s not too early to message on a Saturday, but I just had my cousin drop in unexpectedly, and I was wondering if you still had your sightseeing list?
She texted back a minute or so later as Patrick took a seat next to me, setting my cup of coffee on the table in front of me.
Hey, no worries, we’re up. I have the list, or if y’all want, I can come with. Just let me know!
I sighed, relieved. “Thank God for Maggie.” That would be so great. Maybe we can meet at Genie’s and put together a plan?
Sounds good. I’ll head that way.
“Hey, Ellie,” I called into the other room, “you hungry?”
“Starved.”
“All right.” I pulled up Lily’s name in my texts and invited her too, then exchanged my phone for the coffee, sitting back on the couch with another sigh.
Next to Patrick.
He yawned, which made me yawn.
I sipped my coffee feeling squirrelly and tired and confused, repeating to myself that nothing had changed, nothing had changed, nothing had changed. I felt him watching me and looked over, meeting his gaze.
Time seemed to slow down. I don’t know what it was … something in his eyes that called to me, something that scared me. Because if he’d asked me anything in that moment, I would have said yes.
Ellie walked in, and our heads swung around to look at her. She smiled like she’d just caught us doing something more than sitting in a quiet room together. “So, breakfast?”
“Yeah,” I said as I hauled myself off the couch. “Give me five minutes to get ready.” And I hurried out of the room, wishing I could erase him from my heart so easily.
I parted ways with Ellie and Rose in the hallway, catching Rose’s eyes once for a long moment, wondering if she knew what I was thinking, if she knew what I wanted. If she understood that I wasn’t going to wait quietly in the wings anymore.
All this time, I thought she didn’t want me. I thought I couldn’t have her. But this morning, with her body against mine, I knew. When she looked at me, eyes wide and open, I was sure. She wanted me just as badly as I wanted her, and this time, I wouldn’t stop. Not until she was mine again.
My determination echoed in every beat of my heart, every footstep, every thought, as I showered, changed, walked the blocks to work. I needed a plan, because I couldn’t go into this guns blazing and just take her. Not yet. If I wasn’t careful, I’d blow it, and this was it. My last bullet.
I’d win back her trust, and the second I could make a move, I would.
By the time I walked into Tonic, I felt more sure of myself than I had before, maybe ever. The shop was mostly empty — I was on the early bird crew — though Joel was at his desk in his station. He looked up and looked me over, one eyebrow climbing.
“What set your boots on fire?”
I smiled. “Rose.”
“What’d you do?”
I walked into his station and leaned on the short wall. “Nothing, yet.”
“Well, don’t hold out on me. What happened? Tell me everything.”
“I’m gonna get her back.”
He waited for me to elaborate and huffed when I didn’t. “Stop being cryptic, goddammit, and tell me what’s going on.”
My smile stretched wider, though I struggled to find the words. “I’m not even sure how to tell you, Joel. When we woke up this morning, I just knew I had a shot. I felt so stupid for not seeing it before, but …” I rubbed my jaw. “I thought she didn’t want me, but that was a lie. I can get her back. I’ve just got to prove she can trust me again.”
“Hold up, back up. When you woke up? Together?”
“Yeah. We fell asleep on the couch last night, and this morning she just looked at me, and I knew. It was just a glimpse, but it was there.”
