by Staci Hart
I perked up at that. “Did you get butterscotch cupcakes?”
“Yup, and chocolate peppermint.”
I groaned again, but for entirely different reasons. “Oh, my God.”
“I picked up coffee too. Feel like getting up for that?”
“Fuck yes.” I crawled out of bed, pulling the comforter with me. I wrapped it around my shoulders as I shuffled into the living room behind him. A heating pad sat waiting on the couch, already hooked up to an extension cord and warming up.
I paused in the middle of the room, feeling overwhelmed. He’d done all of this for me — I watched his back as he plated cupcakes.
I felt lucky. Very lucky. I also felt a very large dose of fear.
Ed carved her name into my guts with a razor, and I hunched over, collapsing onto the couch with a grunt. I pulled the heating pad into my lap, thanking the heavens that such a magical thing existed in the universe. I almost immediately began to feel better.
Patrick handed me a small plate with the most beautiful cupcake on it before setting my paper cup on the coffee table. I licked my lips as I peeled the paper off, and Patrick walked back to the table for his own, coming back to sit at the other end of the couch.
He picked up the remote as I took a bite.
I closed my eyes and moaned when the sweet, soft cake hit my tongue. “Humugah, thish ish sho goo,” I said with my mouth full.
He smiled. “Feel better?”
“Mmhmm,” I answered as I took another obscene bite.
“Good.” He clicked on the television. “So I locked and loaded some movies for you. She’s All That, The Craft, Mall Rats, and Empire Records.”
I swallowed. “I can’t say no to Sexy Rexy. Plus, slutty teen Renee Zellweger? Score.”
“Empire Records it is.” He hit play and settled back into the couch as “Video Killed the Radio Star” through the opening credits.
I watched him unwrap his cupcake, my eyes on his tattooed fingers as he pulled off the paper, then on his jaw as he opened his mouth to take a huge bite. This felt together. Very together. Except that things weren’t supposed to change. I wasn’t supposed to be with him. I’d made my peace with that, for the most part. Kind of. Except here he was, bringing me cupcakes and cuddling with me and acting like he was my boyfriend.
I felt very still, very quiet as I set my cupcake on the plate and rested it in my lap. “What are we doing, Patrick?”
He glanced at me and swallowed hard. “I don’t know, Rose. I don’t know that I need to know. Not yet, at least.”
“I don’t know if I can handle this again.”
He set down his plate and turned to me, his face stoic as he reached for my hand. He watched his fingers as they played with mine. “I’m not looking for any answers. I don’t need a definition. Not yet. I just know that this feels good, really good. So can we let it ride until we figure out what we want to do about it?”
“We tried that last time, and look how that turned out.”
“Do you really think that this time would be the same?”
I considered it and said, plainly, “No. It could be worse.”
He shrugged, still watching his fingers. “Or not. I’m not asking you to take a chance on me. I’m suggesting that we don’t talk about it just yet, until we’ve had a little more time.”
“So you want to play house? Ignore it until we can’t anymore?”
Patrick met my eyes and smirked. “Maybe not that long, but at least until we’ve had a minute to think about it, about what it all means.”
I pursed my lips, glancing at the screen where the staff of Empire Records danced around the record store.
“Do you want me to go?” he asked.
“No.”
“Do you want whatever this is to end?”
“No,” I answered quietly. But I’m afraid it will.
He took my plate away and set it on the coffee table, leaning over to touch my face. “We don’t have to decide what’s next yet, Rose. One day at a time. I’m not asking for anything more than that.”
I couldn’t say no, not with him looking at me like that, not when I wanted it to magically work itself out, just like he did. “All right.” I cupped his cheek, and he leaned in to kiss me softly, sweetly. And it was then that I knew that one of us would end up brokenhearted.
STEP ONE
Patrick
ALMOST A WEEK HAD PASSED easily, simply. Happily. One day at a time.
It was the mantra that kept us going. It was about each minute, every second, and being in it, together. It was as if the months apart had never happened, even though the unspoken hurt still waited under the rug,
I hoped it would stay put indefinitely.
When I wasn’t with work, I was with Rose, sleeping in her bed, spending days with her, nights at Habits. We were together again. It wasn’t just about sex like she’d said in the start — for most of the last week we didn’t have sex at all, thanks to Ed. But I didn’t mind. It meant more to me to sleep with her curled into my chest than sex ever could.
Everything felt right.
With every day that passed, my confidence about the next step grew to the point that I was less afraid, less apprehensive. I didn’t feel certain — I’d presumed to know what Rose felt once, and I paid for that. But I felt like the odds were good. Real good.
That morning, I’d left Rose asleep in bed with a kiss and a sigh to meet Seth for lunch at Genie’s, which was where I sat, digging into a burger across from my old friend.
Seth moaned as he chewed. “Jesus. I haven’t had one of Genie’s burgers in forever.”
“Shame.” I took another bite.
He adjusted he burger, angling it for a bite. “How’s it going with Rose?”
I smiled. “It’s good. Really good.”
“What’s the deal with you two? Like, how did that go down? Because I’ve got to be honest — I always thought if either of us had a chance, it would be me.” He chuckled and bit into his burger.
I shrugged off a territorial flash as I set down my burger and dusted off my hands. “So this one night, we were at Rose’s place. Lily was already asleep, and Rose and I were watching a movie. I’d felt something … I don’t know, change, a couple of weeks before. I didn’t really know what to do about it until that night. She just looked at me. That was all she had to do. I knew right then I was a goner, and I knew she felt it too. So I proposed a deal.”
“A deal?”
“I didn’t want to lose what we had, our friendship, so I thought if we just sort of didn’t talk about it, didn’t label it, we could slip out of it as easily as we slipped into it.”
“How’d that turn out?”
I chuffed. “It could have worked out, but I fucked it up. Anyway, I told her that if either of us stopped feeling it and wanted out, all we had to do was say the word. We’d call it off, no questions.”
“Why’d she call it off?”
“She didn’t. I did.”
He looked at me blankly for a split-second. “Man, that’s an exceptional level of stupid, Tricky.”
“Yeah, you’re telling me. I was scared, Seth. You know I don’t do a lot of long term, and I didn’t know how to handle how I felt.”
“I get that. You’ve been alone enough of your life, either abandoned or betrayed by dicks like me, right?”
I shook my head. “Come on. I know you did the best you could, but I couldn’t be around what you were caught up in, and you knew that. Not while I was trying to get clean. Stay clean. You said you’d quit.”
“I know. I haven’t been reliable. I haven’t been a good friend.”
“You couldn’t help it,” I said, knowing it was the truth.
“Stop making excuses for me, Tricky,” he answered quietly.
I sighed. “I always felt like I abandoned you too, you know.”
“Can’t help somebody who won’t help themselves. It’s not your fault.” He turned the conversation away from our past. “So, you dump
ed Rose Fisher?”
I adjusted the top bun of my burger, avoiding his eyes. “I just … I don’t know, man. It was just before the holidays, and everyone was with their families. That time of year is always weird for me, and that year I was also in a relationship, one that had gotten serious. And I wanted that, you know? Like, I wanted her so much that I couldn’t imagine what would happen if she left me. Then I realized she probably would. So I bailed first.”
“Damn.”
I nodded. “We didn’t really talk after that, not until recently. She shut the door hard, locked it tight. It’s been hell, man. I see her almost every day, and most of the time, she wouldn’t even look at me. But now …” I picked up my burger again. “She’s mine again. I just don’t want to lose her.”
Seth wiped his mouth with his paper napkin. “Yeah, I get that.”
I took a bite and thought about it. “Part of me believes that if the circumstance is right, everything will be fine. Another part of me is afraid we’re doomed, but that part of me gets quieter every day.” I sighed and took a drink to wash the fear away. “Anyway, tell me what’s up with you. Find a roommate yet?”
Seth sat back in the booth with a sigh. “Not yet. It’s scary, man. As hard as I’ve worked to start a new life, it’s still new. I don’t know how to live ‘normal,’ whatever that is. Like, without partying. I mean, how is it that I don’t even drink anymore? How is that a thing?” He shook his head. “I don’t even get what people do for fun, otherwise.”
I knew how he felt. I was lucky I had Joel when I left Seth and the rest of our friends. He knew what I needed and helped me get clean. I tried to pass that on to Seth and failed. “You can always call me.”
He nodded, smiling his easy. “Thanks. I’ll probably take you up on that.” He picked up a fry and popped it into his mouth.
“Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about moving. I’m just ready to have my own space again.”
“Really?” he asked, the word thick with hope. “I figured since you and Rose were together, it wasn’t even a question.”
I shook my head. “I want to be with her every minute that I can, but …” I rubbed my face. “I don’t know, man. I don’t want to fuck it up. I don’t want to burn her out, and I need my own place. I can’t live with her yet — it’s too soon to put that kind of pressure on her, or us. And as much as I’d like to wait and see what happens with her, you need help now. It makes sense. I just need to talk to her first.”
“You didn’t mention it to her?”
“No. I didn’t know how she’d react, and I wasn’t even sure it was happening. So now I’ve just got to find a way to talk to her about it.”
“Well, I hope it works out.”
I smiled. “Me too.”
“And … thank you. I didn’t expect this, not after everything you’ve done for me and everything I’ve done to you. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, Tricky.”
“I’m just glad I can help, man.”
With him sitting across from me in the diner, smiling like I’d saved him again, I was overcome by the rightness of it all. Like everything was finally falling into place.
Rose
I woke the next morning when Patrick did, ate with him before he left for work. He kissing me goodbye in my doorway, a long kiss, a hot kiss that promised me there was more where that came from.
The last week had been all I’d ever wanted.
I wasn’t afraid he’d leave. I wasn’t afraid it would end. I was just blissed out on him, taking every second for what it was.
We were together — so together that I knew this was it for us. The relief of having after wanting for so long was a tangible thing. I just wanted to be with him.
Every once in a while, the reminder that we hadn’t talked about anything, hadn’t defined anything, would send a rush of fear through me. I hoped we were strong enough to deal with it when we couldn’t avoid it anymore, but mostly I hoped we wouldn’t have to deal with it at all.
I glanced at the clock as I closed the door, noticing only then how early it was. I took a look around the apartment, wondering what to do with myself. Getting up early meant I had way more time on my hands, and I’d been getting up early with him more and more, going to sleep at normal hours when I could, just so I could fall asleep with him.
I caught myself smiling as I picked up my book, a re-read of one of my favorites — Outlander. It was the book that made me realize I had a thing for redheads in skirts, and I curled up on the couch. Valentino strutted out of Lily’s old room, tail flicking, and hopped up next to me, curling into my legs. Ellie had been at Max’s almost every night, and I think her cat was missing her. I scratched his head, and he looked at me like I’d do.
A couple of hours later, a knock rapped on the door once before it opened and Cooper peeked his head in, smiling when he saw me on the couch.
“Oh, good. You’re up.”
I quirked my head and closed my book. “Hey, Coop. What’s up?”
He stepped into the apartment and closed the door, somehow still looking rich as fuck in khaki shorts and a Henley, sleeves pushed up his forearms.
“Sorry to bug you on a Saturday.”
I shrugged and set my book down, standing to greet him. “Saturdays are like my Thursdays. What are you doing here? Patrick is at work … were you on your way to see West?”
“Gee, don’t act so happy to see me, Rosie.”
I rolled my eyes, smiling. “It’s not like that, asshole.”
He took off his bag and set it on the table, opening it to retrieve a portfolio. “I just wanted to talk about Wasted Words.”
“What?” I said with a disbelieving laugh.
He looked at me like I was a dum-dum as he took a seat at the table. “The bookstore?” he joked.
“Uh, yeah, I remember, but you can’t be serious about that.”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” He opened the portfolio and looked up at me expectantly. When I didn’t move, he gestured to the chair across from him.
I took a seat reluctantly. “I don’t know, Cooper. Because it’s crazy?”
“How so? We have a mutual interest. I have the funds to back the business, and you have the means to run it. Do you have the want to run it?”
I leaned on the table with my mind spinning. “I … I don’t know. I hadn’t seriously considered it.”
Cooper smiled. “Well, now’s the time.” He began pulling papers out of the portfolio, pushing them across the table toward me. “I’ve talked to some of my real estate advisors, and it seems that the Upper West Side has a big market for this kind of thing, especially around the Columbia campus.” He pointed to the spots circled on the map. “I’ve found a handful of locations that would be great, larger, two story lofts. My favorite is this one.” He tapped one of the locations. “We’d have to buy two spaces and rip out the wall, but it would be perfect. We’re going to need to install the plumbing for the bar, but check this out.
I reeled in my seat as he placed some photos on the table.
“This is the interior. I’m thinking in the loft we can have some party rooms for book clubs or meetings. On this side, we can have all the comics and graphic novels, even rare finds, maybe even an untranslated Manga section” His eyes sparkled. “Like, a dream comic shop, all stops pulled. The other side would be the fiction. Equal in size, whatever proportion of genres you’d like. Think about it. We can line up bookshelves like this,” he said as he traced lines on one of the photos, “then put couches and coffee tables between. Oh, I also had the thought that one side of the bar could be a coffee bar, and the other side liquor.”
“You’re serious.” Disbelief. That was all I could muster.
“Dead serious. This could work, Rosie. I can’t help run it, but I can help you plan and I can give you all the cash you need to make it work. I already spoke to my financial advisor, and she’s worked up some numbers on cost and profits. I have advisors, accountants, bookkeepers, all ready to work on this.
All I ask is to help pick out the stock for the comic side. Past that, you have free reign.”
I stared at all the papers spread out on my kitchen table. “I don’t know what to say to this, Coop.”
“Say you’re in. Honestly, if I didn’t have a job I loved that required all of my energy, I’d do it myself and hire you to manage it. But I just can’t, not now. You should do this with me. I built into the budget your first year of pay.”
He pushed another piece of paper toward me with a bunch of numbers. My salary was highlighted.
I took a deep breath and held it until my lungs burned. Then I pushed the paper back at him.
“I can’t accept that.”
“Sure, you can. You just say, ‘Wow, that looks great, Coop. Let’s do this.’ It’s simple, really.”
“That’s more than I make in like two years, Cooper.”
“Good. Then it should be an easy choice. And that salary will stick for the duration of your tenure — more once we get out of the red and into the black.”
But I shook my head. “I can’t take your money.”
“You’re not. This is a business offer. Trust me, that money isn’t going to seem like all that much when you see how much work it’s going to be to get off the ground. But that’s what I’m here for. I’ve got the means to make this happen, and I want to do it. You’re smart — you know how to run a bar, and you know how to handle people. Once you’ve hired people, you’ll be able to choose a manager to run all the day to day grind. You’ll have freedom. I want you to accept my proposal, Rose. Let’s be business partners.”
I chewed my lip, thinking it over, but I couldn’t form a coherent thought. “Can I think it over?”
“Of course. Keep all of this stuff,” he said as he collected the papers and stacked them up, slipping them back in the portfolio. “Everything we’ve talked about in terms of our roles will be outlined in the contract. Really, I just want to be a part of something like this. A passion project. An investment. And it gives you something to pour yourself into, something you’re passionate about. Something you’d be good at — I believe that. I believe in you, Rose. So, think it over. If it’s something you want to do, let’s make it happen. We can start as soon as you’re ready.”
