by Noelle Adams
“I will. Well, I’ll try anyway. I just don’t like him to not be happy with me.”
“You need to be happy too.”
“I know. And I usually am. I mean, I’ve never been as happy as I’ve been with him.”
“I know. That’s really good. He’s been really happy with you too.”
“Yeah. I think so. It’s funny because when I was with other guys, I thought I was happy. I thought I loved them. I thought it was the real thing. But now that I’m with Dave, it feels like all those other times I was just acting out a role in a play. Like it was all fake, but I didn’t know it.”
Amanda’s heart gave a weird little jump. “Y-yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. I know... I mean, I think I know what you mean.”
“Just wait until you fall in love. You’ll feel it too. It’s different when it’s real. All those other relationships I was in were just drama. Dreams. Things I made up in my head. Half the time, I really think I was breaking my own heart. Then Dave told me he loved me. And it was real. It was finally real.”
Amanda gulped, her stomach suddenly heavy. “Yeah. That makes sense. I’m happy for you. I really am.”
“It will be real for you too. He’ll say he loves you—whoever he is—and you’ll know it’s real.”
“Maybe so.” Swallowing hard, she glanced at the clock. “Shit, Stacey. It’s getting late, and I really need to get in the shower. We’ll talk later, okay?”
“Okay.” Stacey didn’t sound upset about the abrupt end to the conversation. She was as soft and bubbly as ever. “Have a great time at the wedding, and I’m so glad you didn’t get hurt!”
After she hung up, Amanda didn’t get in the shower immediately. She sat and hugged her arms to her stomach, trying to hold back an aching swell of emotion.
She wasn’t even sure what she was feeling—it made no sense. What Stacey had been saying wasn’t really about Amanda. Her sister didn’t know her situation. She’d just been rambling in her typically clueless but sweet way.
But Amanda was suddenly terrified.
Because it felt like the real thing with Robert. Realer than anything else she’d ever experienced.
But she’d thought the same thing about Dave. And she’d been wrong. Stupidly, pathetically wrong. And she’d broken her own heart by yearning after a man she could never have.
Maybe she’d done it again. Maybe she’d lied to herself about Robert, about how he was feeling and what she meant to him. After all, he’d never told her he loved her. He’d never told her he wanted to be serious. He’d said some things in the dark this morning that made her feel like he loved her, but there was no reason to believe the words were more than a moment’s impulse.
If he cared for her, he would say so. If he wanted their relationship to deepen, he would let her know.
And if he didn’t do that, then she was just acting a role in a terrible play she’d already performed. She’d once again be the fake person instead of the person she really was. And that would mean one thing for sure.
She was breaking her own heart again.
eight
TAKING A SHOWER AND drying her hair helped Amanda regain some composure.
She’d been acting overdramatic. Unreasonable. After all, she and Robert had just barely gotten together. They’d only shared two nights. What kind of silly dreamer would expect a profession of love or long-term commitment after such a short time?
There was no reason for her to assume such a thing. Or even hope for it. Things were going fine. Good. They could take it slow and see what happened. Robert had a lifetime of keeping his distance, keeping other people at arm’s length. She could hardly expect him to throw all that aside in an instant because they’d had a few meaningful moments together.
Give him time. Give him space. Don’t push or get too presumptuous. He’d hate that. And it wasn’t like her.
She’d be patient. She’d be good.
With that resolved in her mind, she was able to head up to Michelle’s suite for bonding and giggles and a lengthy beauty routine. She was even able to mostly enjoy it.
After that, she was so busy she hardly had time for brooding about Robert. There were photos to take and last-minute wedding preparations to get through, and soon it was time for the ceremony, which was taking place on Michelle’s fiancé’s ridiculously expensive yacht.
It was a warm, sunny day, and the breeze off the ocean was strong. Amanda’s expertly arranged hairdo didn’t stand a chance. Before Amanda followed the second bridesmaid on her walk down the aisle between the eighteen gathered guests, strands of hair were defying hairspray and gravity and blowing in her face.
It didn’t matter. Michelle was clearly delighted by everything, and the short, sweet ceremony was fun and relaxed. Afterward, they took some more photos, and then everyone went to the other side of the yacht for food, drink, and celebration.
Amanda tried to enjoy it. There was no reason not to enjoy it.
Except Robert was acting like they weren’t together.
He wasn’t completely ignoring her. He’d texted her a couple of times today to check in and then telling her he was heading over to the yacht. He smiled when he first saw her before the wedding, and he smiled again when she took her place at the front with the other bridesmaid. He came over and chatted for a few minutes at the beginning of the reception, but he didn’t stay very long.
He wasn’t acting like a boyfriend. He wasn’t acting like she was special to him. No one in the world would know they’d had mind-blowing sex less than twelve hours ago.
It was fine.
It was all fine.
Everything was perfectly fine.
They’d never discussed making their relationship public, so maybe he was just being careful. Maybe he didn’t want to assume she was ready for that. He was being thoughtful. Sensitive.
Or maybe he wasn’t ready for a relationship.
Maybe he didn’t want one.
As the reception went on and there were more and more opportunities for Robert to find her, talk to her, Amanda’s stomach slowly sank until there was nothing but an aching pit in her gut.
If he’d wanted to be with her, he would be with her. That was the first truth about guys. Robert had told her so himself in front of that restaurant years ago.
If you were important to a man, he would make you important. And if he didn’t make you a priority, then you weren’t.
Robert looked at her sometimes, but he wasn’t talking to her. He wasn’t showing the rest of the world that he cared about her as more than a passing acquaintance.
Amanda broke her new one-glass rule and had three glasses of champagne. A couple of hours into the reception, Michelle demanded she show the rest of the guests her pageant poses, so Amanda made everyone roar with laughter by performing her pageant walk and standing with “pretty feet” and “pretty hands.” She went through all the ridiculous smiles and simpers and winks she’d done as a child on the stage for the pageant judges, and everyone loved it. She had them all doubled over with hilarity.
Except for Robert. He was smiling but not laughing, and for some reason it was the last straw.
She almost lost it. Right there in front of everyone. She had to rush through an excuse about needing to use the restroom so she could escape the party.
She stumbled away in her stylish heels and ended up at the rail near the ceremony arbor. No one was around, so she was alone with a jittery head from too much champagne and a hole in her heart that didn’t make any sense.
Despite her best intentions of being mature and patient, it felt like she was broken.
Emotion pulsed through her, lodging in her throat until she could barely breathe. She held on to the rail and bent over, taking a few ragged breaths, her face contorted with her attempt to hold herself together.
Of course it was unreasonable to expect Robert to change so quickly. Of course she was being silly and needy to require a full commitment so early in a relationship.
But s
he was all in, and she couldn’t do this unless he was all in too.
She was such an idiot. She’d broken her own heart after all.
ROBERT HAD BEEN HAVING a good day.
An incredible day.
Probably the best day he’d ever had in his life.
He wasn’t by nature an optimistic person, so he’d never have expected for things with Amanda to go exactly as he’d been dreaming. He’d been serious about being friends with her. Being what she needed and not selfishly demanding more if she didn’t want that.
But it really seemed like she did want that. She’d let him hold her in his arms as she went to sleep, and then this morning they’d shared something more deep and intimate and passionate than he’d ever believed he could experience.
It had been as real as anything had ever been in his life, and he’d been so happy and hopeful after she left, dreaming for the first time about how his life might look from here on out.
How loving her could transform it.
But they hadn’t actually talked about it, and he wasn’t about to scare her away by moving too fast. So he figured it was smarter to follow her lead about how they should act out in public.
He had a good time at the wedding, and he was so full of hope and affection and something akin to pride as he watched her socialize at the reception. Everyone loved her. Saw how brilliant and funny and generous she was. When she did her pageant moves, he was too filled with emotion to even laugh.
He’d never been an emotional person, so it was a lot for him to process.
But then something cracked inside her. He saw it happen, although she hid it well enough that no one else appeared to notice. She said something about going to the bathroom, and she made her escape. He saw her stumble slightly, as if she were in a hurry to get away.
So he followed her. What else would he do? He watched as she looked around, clearly searching for a place to go, and then she ended up near where they’d had the ceremony.
She clung to the rail. Gasped through a few choked sobs. And buckled over the way he’d seen her do at her sister’s wedding when her heart had been broken.
It felt like Robert’s own heart broke as he watched.
Because this might have been the best day of his life—the happiest he’d ever been—but she wasn’t happy too. She clearly didn’t want him the way he wanted her.
Maybe she was still yearning for a man she couldn’t have.
It hurt so much his eyes glazed over and he couldn’t move for a full minute. This was always what he’d been protecting himself from. This reality of absolute loss.
When he could finally take a breath and move his hands and feet, he started to turn around and leave. It was always his instinct. Run away from anything that might hurt him.
But Amanda was hurting too right now, and he loved her too much to let it go unanswered. He had to go comfort her even if it broke him even more. So instead of leaving, he walked up behind her and asked quietly, “What can I do?”
She turned toward him with a jerk, and then her face twisted with sobs she was trying to control. She shook her head for a minute until she was able to say, “Nothing. There’s nothing you can do. It’s... me. It’s all my fault.”
Robert winced. Literally winced at words that felt like a blade in his heart. But he fought through it enough to murmur, “It doesn’t matter whose fault it is. Tell me what you need me to do, and I’ll do it.”
That was apparently the final thread of her control. Her whole body shook with sobs.
He reached out to pull her against him, wrapping his arms around her. He held her as tightly as he could, wondering if this was the last time.
She clung to him desperately, as if she needed him too.
Surely he hadn’t been so wrong. So foolish. He was usually good at reading people, and he knew Amanda better than anyone. How had he not seen this coming? He’d been so happy just a few minutes ago.
She couldn’t seem to stop crying, so he didn’t let her go.
Finally he couldn’t stand the pain she was in, so he said thickly, “Amanda, please tell me what I can do to make it better. I love you, sunshine, so I’ll do whatever it takes. If you need me to back off, I will. If you need to take it slower, we can do that. If you need me to—”
He was on a roll, babbling all kinds of things he’d never intended to say. But she yanked herself out of his arms midsentence and gasped, “What?”
He blinked. “What?”
“What did you say?” Her face was transforming as she stared at him, the brokenness turning into something else. Stunned. Awed. And more than that.
Very confused now, he tried to answer her. “I said I’ll do what you need me to do? Why are you looking like that? I was so happy today, but obviously you aren’t, and I need you to be happy even more than I need to be happy myself. So just tell me what I need to do, and I swear I’ll—”
“Did you say you loved me?” The choked sound of her voice was more than tears now. It was joy.
It sounded exactly like joy.
His heart began to pound like a jackhammer. “Of course I love you. I’m hardly telling you new information here.”
“Not new— Oh my God, Robert! Yes, it’s new information. You think I already knew that?”
“Didn’t you?” He was cold and hot at the same time, but the world was shifting back now to where it had been a few minutes ago. The ache and panic he’d been slammed with were dissipating, leaving him so relieved he was shaking with it. “Amanda, you can’t possibly have been upset just now because you thought I didn’t love you! What did you think all this was about? I’ve never let someone in the way I have you. Why else would I have turned into someone who babbles out cheesy, sentimental endearments? Of course I love you. But if you aren’t ready—”
“Yes, I’m ready!” she burst out, beaming with a radiance that left him breathless even as her face was still streaked with tears. “I thought I was doing the same thing I did before, imagining what I wanted out of the relationship. If you expect me to know something, you actually have to say the words, you big dummy.” She gave him a couple of light swats on the chest.
Before she could give the third swat, he gathered her into a tight hug. “I love you, sunshine. I’m saying the words. I love you more than anything. I didn’t think I was even capable of feeling this way, but you’ve opened up all kinds of new places in my soul. I love you.” He was kissing her hair. Her temple. Any part of her his lips could reach since her face was buried against his suit coat.
She mumbled something that sounded like, “I love you too,” so he pulled back and took her head in his hands so he could see her face.
“What did you say?”
She was laughing and crying at the same time. “I said I love you too.”
He hugged her again, tighter than before. “Okay. Just making sure I heard you right.”
AMANDA SPENT THE REST of the day in a ridiculous state of giggling bliss.
It was almost embarrassing. Or it would have been if she hadn’t been too happy to care.
She wasn’t sure how it had happened, but the nature of reality had apparently altered. Life hadn’t turned out for the worst. What she wanted most hadn’t cruelly been snatched away. She loved Robert, and he loved her back.
Maybe the world wasn’t always out to hurt her after all.
She had no doubt she’d return to a more tempered and realistic perspective soon enough, but for the moment she couldn’t stop laughing and hugging herself. She did manage to pull it together enough to return to the reception with Robert. He was holding her hand when they returned, so their relationship was immediately made public.
But it wasn’t weird or awkward or cringeworthy. As clichéd as it was, she actually enjoyed showing the rest of the world that Robert Castleman was her man.
The guests hung out on the yacht for a couple more hours, and then they had to disembark so the newlyweds could set sail on their honeymoon. She and Robert returned to the
hotel. They had quick, eager sex as soon as they reached her room without even getting most of their clothes off. Then they showered and cleaned up and ordered room service for dinner. They watched some TV and checked their phones and took it easy for the evening. Then Amanda decided she wanted a bath, so she indulged in a long, hot soak.
She was still having private giggles when she got out, dried off, rubbed herself down with lotion, and put on a little cotton nightgown. She hadn’t brought any sexy lingerie on this trip, so Robert was out of luck in that regard.
She didn’t really care. She looked bright and flushed and ridiculously happy in the mirror as she brushed her hair and teeth. Maybe her edges were still kind of sharp, but right now she looked almost soft.
And she liked it.
When she came out into the main room, Robert was stretched out on the bed, wearing nothing but his pajama pants. He had the covers pushed down to his knees, and he was reading something—probably news—on his phone.
“Anything happening?” she asked.
“Just idiots doing idiotic things. What else?” He glanced up, and his face softened into a smile. “Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Good bath?”
“Very.”
“You’re looking particularly scrumptious at the moment.”
She gave him the eye roll he deserved. “This is a boring, everyday gown, and it does nothing for my boobs. I’m not looking that good.”
“We’ll have to disagree on that particular issue. You’re the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”
She was touched by the sentiment although she didn’t quite believe it. To hide her reaction, she did an exaggerated pageant strut toward the bed.
He chuckled and propped himself up higher on his pillows. “Very nice. Now do that pretty-feet thing you were showing off earlier.”
