I don’t see how.
I waited again, but no text came back, so I put my phone in my pocket, fought to keep my emotions in control, and headed into Nikita’s office.
16
Devin
I don’t see how.
It was nuts how four words could totally ruin my day. But with that text, Serena was telling me that the obstacles that were keeping us apart were too large to overcome. My brain couldn’t accept that though. There had to be a way, although I wasn’t being successful at finding it.
Obstacle one: Her job didn’t want her having relationships with clients. The answer was for me to stop working with her firm, but odds were they’d fire her for being the cause of my leaving. Maybe I could just threaten to leave if they didn’t make an exception.
She could leave her job, but she seemed to like it and she might resent me if she left for me. So that was out.
But even if we could overcome the job issue, there was the difference in life plans. She wanted a home and family, and I wasn't sure I could do that. I loved my family, but we weren’t like other people. I suspected Serena had warm loving parents who supported her life choices, minus the nearly running off with me five years ago. While they wanted her to marry a good man, they probably didn’t care about his breeding or the size of his bank account. In her family, there wasn’t a tie between maintaining the family honor and legacy to the love one received.
Did my parents love me and Brianna? Yes, in their own way. But their love did have some conditions. I didn’t want to perpetuate that type of life. I didn’t want to force a woman like Serena to conform to our antiquated way of life or raise a child in a way that stifled his dreams
That afternoon, I met with Brianna to review our plans for the New York club.
“Do you ever see yourself getting married?” I asked her. She was shallow and couldn’t always be trusted with secrets, but she was the only person I felt I could talk about personal stuff with. Well, Serena too, but since this involved her, and I already had her answer, I had no choice but to seek guidance elsewhere. It didn’t escape me that Brianna hadn’t ever been in a long-term relationship and I wasn’t sure she’d ever been in love, but when it came to confidants, I didn’t have any other choice.
“Sure. I have this fantasy of marrying a rich guy to make Mom and Dad happy but his money was earned from porn or drugs or something.”
I smirked. “Does everything you do have to butt up against Mom and Dad?”
She quirked a brow. “Do I detect a hint of disapproval?”
“I just wonder how much of what you do is because you truly love it versus doing it simply to bug the parents.”
“Why can’t it be both? Besides, you’re the one telling them you’re going to change the business and not marry or have kids. That gives Mom a heart attack more than I do.”
I guess she was right.
“Why? Are you rethinking marrying Evie?” she asked, as she pulled a glass of water from the mini-fridge in my office.
“No. That’s not happening.”
“Someone else then? Perhaps the event planner.”
I narrowed my eyes at her, wondering how someone who often seemed oblivious could be so observant.
“What do you have against marriage anyway?” she prodded.
“I don’t have anything against it. I just don’t like the way our family goes about doing it. About any of it. Our nanny was more nurturing than our mother. All decisions are made based on what will look right to a bunch of uptight conceited rich jerks, not on what makes us happy.”
Her brows furrowed in thought. “Yes, that’s true. To be honest, I doubt Mom and Dad ever had sex.”
Jeez. Not what I was going for in this discussion.
“Too intimate and messy. Instead, I bet Dad jerked off into a cup and they used a surrogate.”
“Please tell me you don’t think of Dad like that.” I really wondered what made me think I could have a serious conversation with Bri.
She rolled her eyes. “Not specifically no, but you know what I’m saying?”
“I do and that’s my point. I don’t want to live like that.”
She stared at me for a long moment. “Then don’t.”
“I don’t have a choice—“
“Of course you do. You’ve already made one by not marrying Evie. If you want to marry for love, do it. If you want to take your kids to the park instead of sending them with a nanny, do it. Mom and Dad don’t have as strong of a hold on you as you think, and yes they’d fuss, but let’s face it, our generation of entitled brats would likely see you as a hero for breaking free of the ridiculous rules that generations before us put in place.”
Just do what I want? Was it really that easy? Bri was right in that I was already doing that to a certain extent by continuing with the clubs despite my father’s insistence that I stop. I was shucking social constraints by not marrying Evie.
Within limits.
That had been Serena’s answer when I asked whether or not we could make our own destinies. She’d not been optimistic about overcoming limits, but who set those limits? Society yes, but I was already pushing against them. So maybe the limits I was having trouble with were those I set in my own head. I thought I’d have to have a marriage and family like the one I grew up in, but Bri was right. I could change that. I could choose a good woman who might be out of my social class, but to my mind was richer in personality and goodness. I could give her children, watching them grow in her belly and then teach them to throw a ball. My money would give them all the opportunities they deserved, but my love and the love of their mother would give them emotional security and confidence. Put in that context, having a family had an appeal.
“Of course, Mom would likely be mean to any woman you married that didn’t fit the mold, but fuck her, right?”
Bri’s words brought on a concern I hadn’t been considering, but Serena had. Several times she’d suggested my mother wouldn’t approve of her. It made me wonder if she’d ever met her as she was spot on about that.
But again, that was a limit I felt I could overcome.
“Thank you, Bri.”
She smiled. “You’re welcome. So when are you inviting your event planner to meet the family.”
I shook my head. “Not yet. But if all goes well, hopefully soon.”
I was bogged down in the new club project with Bri, the one in Paris, and other work at the business, so I wasn’t able to follow up on my revelations with Serena at that time. On Friday I closed on my new place and on Saturday, I had furniture and other home goods delivered. I had to admit, having money was a Godsend during a move. I ordered what I needed and paid to have it delivered and put away. On Saturday evening, I showed up with my bags of clothes, and once they were hung in the closet, I was moved in.
On Sunday I finally had time to start wooing Serena again. Because she could be elusive, I decided it would be better to see her in person than try to reach her by phone.
She’d indicated she was busy over the weekend which I suspected was an event. But when I discreetly researched what event she was working I was told she wasn’t working at all. Had she just been giving me a line to keep me away? Or had I misunderstood?
The day was nice and relatively warm for the end of February, so I decided to drive myself to her place. Maybe I could convince her to go for a ride with me. I put the top down in the Cabriolet and headed to her neighborhood.
The Gods were with me, I thought, as there was a parking spot just a few doors down from her building. At the door, I found two Moores listed. I selected S. Moore hoping it was her apartment. I buzzed and waited, buzzed and waited more. Fuck. She wasn’t home. She really was busy.
A middle-aged woman came through the door. “Can I help you?”
“I was looking for Serena Moore.”
The woman smiled in a way that told me she knew and liked Serena. “It’s such a nice day, she’s probably having a picnic at the park with Andrew.”
“What park?” I asked. It was caveman-ish of me, but if I had to fight for her affection, I would.
“Tompkins Square.” She pointed up the street toward the park.
I smiled, even though inside I was preparing to battle whoever this Andrew man was. “Thank you.”
The park wasn’t far so I walked. I entered the park and began my search. Many people were taking advantage of the nice day, so my search was slow as I took in each person. As I approached the playground, I found her. She was sitting on a bench with a notebook in her lap.
My heart rate sped to a million miles a minute as I took her in. Her dark hair was pulled back into a ponytail. Her cheeks were flushed probably from the cool air. The yearning for her nearly brought me to my knees.
“What is it about you?” I said to myself. I didn’t know why I felt how I did, but I knew I wanted to indulge my desire for her.
I approached her. “Serena?”
She looked up, and immediately her eyes widened, darted toward the playground and then back at me. I’d expected surprise, but her expression looked more like panic.
“Devin. What are you doing here?” She swallowed and I noted that her hands shook as she put her notebook in her bag.
“I’m looking for you. I’ve had an epiphany.” Not sure what to make of her reaction, I sat on the bench next to her.
“Ah…now?”
I frowned. “Is now a problem?”
“I just…ah…”
I cocked my head to the side. “What’s going on?”
“Mommy look at me!”
Her head turned toward the voice of the child standing at the top of a slide.
“Watch how fast I go,” he called out.
“I’m watching,” she said to him.
It took me a minute to make sense of what was going on.
Her eyes glanced at me before focusing on the boy. He sat on the slide and whooshed down with his arms out wide like an airplane.
“Did you see me, Mommy?” He ran toward her.
“I did, honey. You were so fast.”
He ran to her. “Can you come with me?”
“In a minute, baby.”
The boy looked up at me. “Who are you?”
“This is Mr. Roarke. I work for him. Go play and I’ll be there in a minute.”
I turned to her, my mind in a whirl. She was a mom? And why was she introducing me as someone she worked with? Was there a dad somewhere around here?
“You’ve got a son.” My voice sounded distant to my ears.
She nodded. “Andrew.”
Well, that answered the question about who Andrew was.
I studied her. “You didn’t tell me.”
She shook her head, her eyes held a mix of worry and strength.
“Why? Why wouldn’t you want me to know you have a child?” At least now it made sense why she thought we couldn’t overcome limits. I’d told her I didn’t want kids and she had one. I felt a little set-up and duped by that.
“You said you didn’t want a family.”
My brain felt like it was wading through muck as I tried to sort out what was going on. “That was the other night. What about all the weeks before? You could have said something about being a mom.”
She simply shrugged.
I shook my head. “No, I don’t buy it.”
She flinched.
“If you kept your child from me because you didn’t think I’d approve, that would mean you were interested in me, but hiding him. But you’ve been pretty clear that you don’t want me.”
She huffed out a breath. “That’s not true. I told you my life was complicated.” She nodded toward Andrew. “What I want takes a backseat to what is best for him.”
“And I’m bad for him?” How was it she could always make me feel like pond scum?
“No. I just…you have your own family responsibilities and duties.”
I laughed derisively. “Which I was ready to shirk for you.”
She bit her lip. “Don’t. You can’t change yourself for me.”
“That’s just it, Serena. I was still trying to conform to what my family expected, and I came here to tell you that I was giving that up. I don’t know what our future would hold, but I was willing to see where it went. I wanted to see where it went.”
“Past tense,” she said, looking toward the playground, where her son was running with his arms out and making machine sounds.
“What?”
“You’re speaking in past tense. You said, ‘I was willing…’ which suggests you’re not still willing.”
“You’re fucking with my brain.”
“Can you not use the f-word when Andrew is around?”
“Right. Sorry.” I took a breath to try and sort out my thoughts. “Am willing. I am willing. I’m more than willing. I want to see you. To see where this thing between us goes.”
“What about Andrew?”
“I want to meet him.” And I meant it. The kid was a part of her, and I was drawn to her. Being with her meant being with him too.
She studied me with hard eyes. I felt like she was using some special mom-radar to determine if I was sincere and worthy of knowing her son.
For a moment, I thought she was going to send me packing. But then she looked to her son who was making his way to us again.
“All right,” she said, although there wasn’t much oomph behind the word. It was almost as if she was reluctant.
I leaned closer to her so her son wouldn’t hear. “I wish you’d tell me what it is you want, because I can’t read your mind.”
“I said all right.”
“But you don’t mean it. How many times have we been in this spot where I’m telling you I want you, and you say you want me, but half the time I don’t believe it. I’m not sure you believe it.”
She worried her lip with her teeth. “I’m sorry. I want you, but you and I aren’t the only things I need to consider.”
“I don’t want to hurt you or your kid.”
“I know. I don’t want to hurt you either.”
What I heard in her voice was an inevitability that someone was going to get hurt.
“Mr. Roarke, do you know how to fly?” Andrew came to stand in front of me. He had blue eyes and a sweet face like her, but I suspected he looked more like his father.
“Do you mean airplanes?” I leaned forward to give him my attention.
“Yep.”
“Well, I don’t fly but I have a pilot.”
“Do you have a plane too?”
“Yes.”
His eyes widened. “Are you rich?”
“Andrew! That’s not a polite question,” Serena chastised him.
“I am.”
The boy moved closer to me, putting his hand on my thigh. “When I grow up, I want to be rich and have my own plane, but I want to fly it.”
“I think that’s a great idea. Maybe someday you can come on my plane,” I said.
“Yay. Can we Mommy?”
Serena stiffened next to me and I suspected she didn’t like my offer. “We’ll see, baby. Mr. Roarke is a busy man.”
I glared at her. “We’re friends here. You can call me Devin. Can I call you Andrew, or would you prefer Mr. Moore?”
Andrew grinned. “Andrew.”
I held out my hand. “Nice to meet you, Andrew.”
He giggled as he shook my hand. “Nice to meet you.”
17
Serena
Panic wasn’t a strong enough word for what I felt when Devin showed up at the park. Right then and there my secret was going to be exposed and I’d have to endure the wrath of Devin. It would be justified, of course. I deserved every bad thing he might say to me.
When he said, “You didn’t tell me,” in reference to Andrew, I was sure he knew. How could he not? Andrew looked so much like him. But then it was clear he was asking why I didn’t tell him I had a son, not why I didn’t tell him about his son.
The rest of the conversation was pretty much like all the ones we always ended up having before where he’d tell me he wanted to see me, I’d say I wanted to see him too, but then would proceed to say or do something that suggested the opposite. I wondered how long he was going to put up with that from me. I suppose it meant that he was sincere in his interest in me. After all, he was willing to go against his mother to see me. But of course, that was another thing I had to consider that Devin didn’t know about. His mother wouldn’t be happy about his dating a single mom, but at some point she’d figure out what Andrew was to Devin, and who knew what would happen then. She’d either shun us or fight for custody, likely with Devin’s blessing, and I couldn’t risk that.
So yep, I was still in the same predicament as always with no hope for a happily ever after outcome.
Until I could figure out what to do, or until this thing between Devin and I fizzled out, or until he learned the truth and destroyed me, I had to go along with things.
“How big is your airplane?” Andrew looked up at Devin with his wide blue eyes.
“Big enough that it has a bedroom.”
“Whoa.” Andrew climbed onto the bench between me and Devin. My heart was simultaneously singing and crying. It was so beautiful to see them together. To see Devin be so sweet and natural with him. “Does it go fast?”
“Pretty fast. To be honest, I’ve never thought about it.”
“I know lots about planes. Did you know that there are jets that can go two thousand miles per hour?” Andrew eagerly shared.
Devin’s eyes widened. “Holy cow. That is fast. That must be what…mach three? Mine isn’t that fast.”
“I’d still like to see it.”
Devin smiled so sweetly at Andrew and that was it. If I was fighting my feelings for Devin, I couldn’t do it anymore. Whatever happened in the future, I’d always remember this moment and how beautiful the two of them were together.
Heart of Hope: Books 1-4 Page 37
