“Do you miss us daddy,” Lanie asked over dinner.
“Terribly, baby. I miss you all so much.” It was true. Somehow, even though I’d been gone a lot, knowing they were at home every night I came home was comforting. Now I was coming home to an empty house. Waking up to silence. It was fucking horrible.
“Is George okay?” Noah asked me dipping his fry in ketchup.
“He misses you too,” I said, glad that I remembered to check on him and give him some fish food.
After dinner, I drove them down to their grandfather’s house hoping I’d have a chance to see and talk to Terra. I couldn’t remember going so long without seeing her since I met her. It was unsettling each day that passed and I didn’t see her. This was what it would be like if she divorced me or worse, her cancer took her. I couldn’t live like that. She was as essential to me as breathing. It was clear I wasn’t that for her, but if I was lucky, I’d get a chance to change that.
“There’s the munchkins,” my father-in-law, Tom, said when he opened the door.
“We’re not munchkins,” Lanie said. “We’re kids.”
“Really?” Tom said. “How do I know the difference?”
“Grandpa!”
“Well if you’re kids, Verna has some cookies for you in the kitchen,” he said referring to his cook. Tom was financially well-off, and a reminder that my fears about being broke were unfounded. At the very least, he’d take care of Terra and the kids if something happened to us financially. As comforting as that was, it was also unsettling. I couldn’t put my, or my family’s security in the hands of another. That was my job.
“Yay!” Lanie and Noah rushed through the door.
Tom watched them as they made their way into the house. Then he turned to me. “Did you have a good afternoon?”
I studied his face for clues as to what Terra might have told him. He didn’t look like he wanted to rip my head off, which had to be a good sign.
“I did. Can I see Terra?” I stepped into the foyer, but Tom didn’t invite me further into the home so I stayed there. Perhaps he did know something after all.
“She’s resting.” He had a pained expression and I could only imagine the difficulty he was having in dealing with the fact that the same disease that had taken his wife was now growing in his daughter.
Even so, it didn’t sit right with me that Terra wouldn’t see me.
“I don’t know why she waited so long to tell me about her illness,” he said.
I didn’t know the answer to that either, except maybe she waited as a way to protect him.
He gave me a pointed look over. “Everything alright with you two?”
I tried to keep my expression blank. “What does she say?”
He blew out a breath. “That’s about as close to no as I’ve gotten. What’s going on?”
I shook my head, not wanting to delve into my relationship problems with my father-in-law.
His eyes narrowed. “Are you cheating on my daughter?”
What the fuck? Why did everyone think that? “No, sir. Never.” I hoped he believed the firmness of my tone. “I love her.”
It dawned on me at that moment that I couldn’t remember the last time Terra had told me she loved me. Had she during the short time we’d reconnected several weeks ago? Before that she’d been talking to a lawyer. Jesus, did she even love me.
Tom studied me. “But what?”
“I don’t know that she still loves me.” I’m not sure why I said that, except maybe I was looking for reassurance that she did.
“Of course, she does.”
I couldn’t be sure he was saying that as an automatic response or that it was because Terra had told him she loved me.
“I haven’t always been there for her, but I’m working on changing that.” I wanted to ask if he knew if or when she planned to come home.
“Good to hear. She needs someone now to help her through this.”
“Are you sure I can’t see her?” It was killing me to know she was in the house and I couldn’t see her. Was she okay?
He glanced over his shoulder, and I looked to see if she was there. She wasn’t.
“Like I said, she’s resting.”
I studied him. “She still doesn’t want to see me.”
He shrugged.
I turned to leave. I couldn’t very well force my way in.
“Do you want me to give her a message?” he asked.
“I leave her messages and texts every day. She doesn’t take those, so I’m not sure she’d take one through you.” Yes, I was bitter and feeling rejected. Reminding myself that I’d brought this on myself was the only thing that kept me from giving up all together. She needed action not words.
I drove home to my empty, quiet house. Like I’d done every night since she’d gone to her fathers, I left a voice message telling her I loved her when I got ready for bed. I had no idea if she listened to them, but I couldn’t control that.
On Thursday, everything at the office finally coalesced and I could move forward with the next phase. I called Terra and left her a message asking if she’d be home Saturday. To get help on making that happen, I called Tom, asking for his help in arranging a day with her and the kids. I also contacted Emma, asking for her assistance. I wasn’t sure what Terra had told her and if she’d be willing to help. Thankfully, she agreed.
On Friday, I made sure all my plans at the office were in order and in the afternoon, I went to the cancer support group. I’d admitted to them that Terra was with her father and I wasn’t sure how permanent that was. They’d all told me to keep on working to reconcile. Even the angry lady was rooting for me. When I left, Bob and several others in the group wished me luck that everything would turn out.
“If she doesn’t see how much you love her, then she’s blind,” the angry lady said.
Later that evening, I ran a few errands to get the house ready for Terra and the kids. After getting things set up, I had dinner. I watched TV to distract myself from nerves about whether or not Terra was going to come home. She hadn’t replied to any of my texts or voice messages. I was climbing into bed, feeling dejected and concerned that I’d be in an empty house for the rest of my life when my phone beeped with a text.
We’ll be home by 9 tomorrow morning.
I stared at the message, as the first feelings of hope I’d had since she messaged me that she was going to her fathers grew.
I can’t wait to see you. I messaged back.
I figured she wouldn’t answer, so I put my phone on the bedside table and lay in the dark. If all went well, I wouldn’t be alone tomorrow or ever.
24
Terra
Telling my father that I had cancer was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. I knew I needed to do it, but I couldn’t imagine what it would be like for him. He’d lost his wife and now it could take his daughter. His only child.
He’d cried, but then pulled himself together, asking what I needed. A cure and possibly a miracle was my only answer.
The first few days the kids and I were there, he didn’t ask about Brayden, but on Wednesday after Brayden dropped the kids off from visiting with them, I could see he was concerned. I wondered what Brayden had told him. It couldn’t have been bad. Each day, I got messages from Brayden saying he loved me. I was a bitch for never responding, but I was still so angry and resentful. I didn’t want words. I wanted Brayden.
I’d been able to avoid a conversation with my father then, but on Friday, after I’d received a message from Brayden about coming home on Saturday, my father called me into his study after I’d put the kids to bed.
“Why are you here, Terra?” he asked, handing me a cup of tea.
“To see you,” I said.
“So, you’ve seen me. How long are you planning to stay?”
“Do you want us to leave?” I was annoyed that Brayden said something to my father that had him turning on me.
“No. But I want to know what’s going on. Have you
left Brayden?” My father’s eyes scrutinized me, making me squirm like I used to when I was a kid.
“No. I wanted to see you to let you know what was going on.” That was mostly true. I hadn’t left Brayden, but I’d be lying if I said that was all. I wanted to see what it would be like for the kids and me to be away from him. The kids were fine, but then again, they thought this was just a visit. They’d been so happy to see Brayden on Wednesday, and afterwards, asked me when we were going home.
“And,” my father prodded.
I felt like I was being interrogated. “And yes, I needed some time away from him.”
“Why?”
I sighed. “I just don’t feel he’s as committed to us as he is his work.”
He nodded in understanding. “Do you love him?”
“Dad—”
“He thinks you don’t love him anymore.”
Jeez, Brayden hadn’t been here that long when he dropped the kids off. How had they gotten into such a deep conversation?
“I do love him. But I’m tired of being in second place.”
“He says he’s changing that.”
I rolled my eyes. “He always says that. There’s always one last project and then he’ll have time, but he never does. Nothing ever changes.”
“So, you're gonna live here forever? What’s your plan?”
I felt tears spring to my eyes. There was so much, too much, going on. “Right now, I’m going to fight this cancer. After that…I don’t know.”
His brows rose to his hairline in surprise. “You don’t know?” Then his eyes narrowed. “You need to talk to him Terra. It’s immature to ignore him especially if you’re planning on leaving.”
“I never said I was leaving,” I said defensively, although I don’t know why. Clearly, I’d thought about it.
“Brayden may have his faults, but he loves you and the kids. You could do a lot worse.” He stood. “Go home and sort out your marriage, Terra. Whether you stay or go, I’ll be here for you. But you can’t hide.”
I hated that he was right. I felt like a petulant teenager the way I’d run off and was ignoring Brayden. It was time I face my life. That evening I texted him that me and the kids would be home by nine the next morning.
The kids were cheering as I pulled the car into the driveway of our home.
“I hope daddy is awake,” Lanie said.
“Me too,” Noah agreed.
I grabbed our bags from the trunk as the kids rushed to the front door.
“Who’s there?” Brayden said opening the door. “I’m not buying.”
“It’s us daddy,” Lanie said.
Brayden dropped to a squat. “I’ll buy you every day and twice on Sundays.” He scooped them both into his arms. His head dropped between them, like he was savoring having them home. I felt a tinge of guilt for taking them from him.
He lifted his head as he saw me coming up the walk.
“There’s a surprise in each of your rooms,” he said to the kids. To me he said, “Let me carry those.”
The kids ran into the house as he reached for the bags I was carrying.
“I’m glad you’re home.” He leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. I closed my eyes as the scent and heat of him threatened to demolish the wall I’d erected. I wasn’t ready to let go of my pain and resentment.
I followed him through the house to hallway.
“A shrimp. Daddy got me a shrimp!” Lanie was yelling over and over from her room.
“Me too.” Noah rushed from his room and wrapped his arms around Brayden’s legs. “Thank you, daddy.”
Brayden set the bag down and hugged Noah. “I said I would. I’m a man of my word.” He looked up at me, like his words were meant for me. But I’d heard all the words before.
“I’ll unpack,” I said reaching for the bag he’d put down.
“We don’t have time for that,” he said. “How about a trip to the zoo today?”
The kids cheered and jumped up and down.
My impulse was to say no, that I was tired. But that would have been bitchy even if was sort of true. I was tired. But perhaps it was an emotional tired, not physical one.
An hour later, we were in the zoo. Although it was overcast, it wasn’t raining, and the temperature wasn’t too cold. We’d made it through the temperate forest section and were by the flamingos where Lanie was trying to stand on one foot, when I heard my name called.
“Hey Terra.”
I turned to see Emma and Nina approaching.
“Emma, hi.” I gave her a hug and realized it had been a long time since she and I had chatted much less gotten together.
Nina joined Lanie in trying to stand on one foot, while Noah watched from Brayden’s shoulders.
“I didn’t know you’d be here,” I said.
“You’ve been a bit MIA. Are you okay?”
I nodded.
“Treatment going okay?”
Next week I was going to have my breasts removed, but standing by the flamingo pen at the zoo didn’t seem like the right place to share that.
“It’s a process. As you know,” I said instead.
“I heard you went to visit your dad,” she said.
I cast Brayden a look, but he was pointing towards the Tropical Rain Forest area and telling Noah something.
“Yes. I needed to let him know what was going on.”
Emma nodded. “Well, listen, why don’t I take the kids for a little bit and you and Brayden can catch up.”
I narrowed my eyes at her and then Brayden. “This feels like a set up.”
“So, what if it is?” Emma gave me a pointed stare, challenging me to argue. Then she turned to the kids. “Lanie, Noah, want to come with me and Nina to see the monkeys?”
“I want to see monkeys.” Lanie jumped up and down.
“Me too,” Noah said from Brayden’s shoulders.
He put Noah down. “It’s okay with me.”
“It’s settled. We’ll catch up later.” Emma took Noah’s hand and walked off with Lanie and Nina holding hands and skipping.
“What’s going on?” I asked Brayden.
He looked at me. “Is this a problem? You and I having a moment alone?” I noted some annoyance, and I suppose I couldn’t blame him. If this was a set up, he’d gone to some effort to make it happen. I, on the other hand, had been pretty bitchy to him.
“No. I just wonder why the set up,” I said.
He sighed. “You used to like my surprises.”
Is that what this was? Then again, I couldn’t remember many surprises in the last few years.
“Either way, I wanted a chance to talk to you,” he said.
We could have talked at home, I thought, but didn’t say. He nodded in the direction we had just come and started walking. I went with him. We needed to talk although I couldn’t figure out what would be said that would change things. It wasn’t like we hadn’t talked before. We’d done it many times to no avail.
“The kids liked those shrimps. You struck gold with them there,” I said trying to make small talk.
Brayden glanced at me. “You think I’m trying to buy their affection?”
Crap. That’s not what I meant…or at least I didn’t think I did.
“They’re not the ones I need to win over, Terra. Despite my being a shitty husband and father, they like me.” He shook his head. “Thank fuck someone in my family does,” he said under his breath.
Then he walked on, running his hands through his hair like he was annoyed, not just at me but at himself too.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply—”
“Are you sure?” He huffed out a breath. “I wanted this to go better, nicer. I have no idea what you’re planning, but my goal is to save my marriage, my family. Am I wasting my time?”
I hated how desperate he sounded, and yet, we’d been through all this. “What’s different now than before, Brayden?”
He stopped short and looked at me. “Plenty if you give me a
minute, but none of it will matter if you’ve already checked out of this marriage. Do you still love me?”
“Brayden—”
“I know you think I’ve been giving you lip service over the last few weeks, but it’s not like I could simply walk away from the business. We have clients that pay us thousands, in some cases, tens of thousands of dollars. We have a staff who rely on us to pay their rent and feed their families. I know they’re not as important as you or the kids, but do you really expect me to just chuck it all and let them fend for themselves?”
I studied him, surprised by the forcefulness of his tone. Usually when we had this discussion there was a part of him that seemed to be trying to appeal to me. That was gone. Now I saw all his frustration and hurt.
“I don’t know what you think I do all day, but it takes time to reorganize, delegate, and assure everyone that their jobs and services will continue without any issues. And they are concerned, Terra. Who wouldn’t be with shit happening nearly every time I was out of the office taking care of you, dealing with the kids, paying the bills, and everything else? And before you accuse me of being a baby or complaining, I was happy to do it. I’m happy to keep doing it. But maybe it would be nice if you didn’t bust my balls, call a lawyer, or run off to your dad’s house.” He let out an exasperated growl. “Fuck.” Clearly, he’d wanted this conversation to go differently.
He began to walk on and I gave him a few steps as I could see he needed a minute. As I started behind him, I realized he was right. Part of my resentment toward him was that I didn’t feel like he knew or appreciated just what I did for the family. It seemed like he felt he could come and go and do whatever he wanted, while I was caring for the kids and home. But over the last month, he’d worked and picked up the slack at home when I was in treatment, and I didn’t thank him. In fact, I got angry.
I was upset at him for not considering how my life was, but I hadn’t really thought about his, like the weight of responsibility of running a business. I’d just assumed he was putting it ahead of his family because of his phobic worry about being poor again. But it was more than that.
Heart of Hope: Books 1-4 Page 82
