I watch him closely, and when he finally does look at me, his eyes are red-rimmed and glossy. “It was that bad?”
“Worst I’ve ever seen,” he answers quietly. “I don’t know how you are alive right now, but I’ve never been more grateful. When I get to your house, and when I explain everything to the girls again, I’ll make sure they know how strong you are.”
I let out a frustrated groan when he brings up the girls. “We told them what’s going on. But they aren’t going to be prepared for all of this.”
“Not even a little. I’m a grown-ass man, and I’m still coming to terms with you like this. You’re their hero…”
“Some hero, right?”
“Nah, the best hero. But this is going to be hard for the girls…all three of them,” he says, his voice lowered even more, then nods in Allie’s direction. She’s finally sleeping in the recliner in my room. Best I could tell, it had been around thirty, thirty-two hours at least since she’d last slept. She needed it. And I needed some time to think and talk to Cody.
“I know it is. That’s why I need a favor. It’s something I would never ask if I didn’t think there was any other way…” I say to him.
“What’s up?” he asks seriously.
“When you aren’t at rodeos, make Colorado your home again until I get all my shit figured out?” I know he has his reasons for staying in Texas, but he’s the only person I trust to help us wade through everything coming our way.
He sits back down beside my bed and thinks silently for a minute, then he starts, “I’ll be there as long as you all need me. I wouldn’t let you or your girls go through this alone.”
I clear my throat a little. “Thank you.”
“Just so you know, I’ll be drinking all of your beer as my payment for my good deed,” he grins at me then adds, “and for my celibacy. Unless you don’t mind me bringing women back to your place?”
“Try it, and you die.” I smile back at him.
“That’s what I thought.”
“Speaking of…she better not have been one of my nurses.”
“Relax,” he says, chuckling a little. “She was the X-ray tech, and it was during her lunch break.”
“Christ, you really are a pig.” I laugh at him and the sound and motion make my head hurt.
“You should try to get some rest while Allie is. You’re going to have a ton to go through the next few days, you’ll need the sleep when you can get it.”
“You’re right, and my head is starting to hurt again.” I hate admitting it, but it’s the truth.
“Hit the call button, then ask for the good stuff to help you sleep. I need to get back to the hotel, check out, and then catch my flight to Denver, so I can get to your munchkins anyway.”
“Thanks again. I really appreciate it.”
“That’s what family does, right?” he says easily.
“Yeah, the family that gives a shit and that chose you. Says nothing about my parents.”
“Fuck them. You have me and Allie.”
He’s right. I do have them. And I’m lucky for it. My parents bailed years ago and I don’t really need nor want them here. “I don’t need anyone else anyway.”
“Damn straight. Tell her the girls and I will call tonight.” He stands from his chair again and reaches for my hand, squeezing it where it lays on the bed.
“I will. We’ll see you and our girls tomorrow?” I ask, making sure I’ll see them before they cut me open; because there’s a risk something could go wrong.
“We’ll be there waiting for you.”
“Be safe, getting to them, and getting them to us.”
Cody grins and gives a little salute, then turns to leave the room at the same time as Breeze walks in.
“You paged?” she asks with a smile.
Cody. He must’ve hit the button when he let go of my hand before he left.
“I’m in some pain…”
“Say no more, we’ll take care of that. You just try to get some rest.”
While she gets more meds in me, I close my eyes and try to sleep. Given everything on my mind, that’s a lot easier said than done.
Allie
The distant sound of an alarm going off is playing over and over in my head, getting closer and louder with each new cycle. It’s not until it’s blaring loud do I wake up, panicked and jumping to my feet, remembering immediately we are in the hospital. I turn to Chase and let out a relieved breath.
He’s okay. It wasn’t his machine.
He’s actually sleeping right now. His head is turned on his pillow facing me, thanks to the neck brace being off, as though he fell asleep watching me. I step up and very gently run my fingers through his hair, minding the spot where his stitches are, then lean down to kiss the top of his head.
His hair smells like antiseptic, sweat, and Chase. It’s a little longer than he would usually let it be, but he planned to get it trimmed when he came home after this weekend’s exhibition. Now…I don’t know when he’ll be able to get it cut. Or if it’ll bother him he can’t right now.
The alarms start to sound again so I step out of his room and look right, then left. There’s a lot of commotion in the room beside Chase’s. They must’ve filled it when I was asleep. I hope whoever is in there is okay, or they will be.
I look down the hall again, taking in the window in the small waiting area that’s empty. Judging by the dim light coming through the window, the sun must be setting.
It’s probably after eight already. Which means I was out for hours. I missed Cody leaving. I may have even missed tonight’s rounds and word on when Chase and I will be transferred tomorrow. I need to find one of his nurses. I need to go back into his room and find my phone so I can call Cody. I need to get a bite of food before my stomach alerts everyone else to the fact it’s hungry, too.
I need to do a lot of things. Before all of that, I need to make sure Chase is okay still. I’ve only been out of his room for a couple minutes, and I can already feel the anxiety creeping in that if I’m too far away, something will happen. I’ll come back and find his room is the one full of medical staff, working hard to keep him alive.
That’s my biggest fear. When I’m awake, and even in my dreams while I was asleep.
I walk back into his dimly lit room, and he’s awake, looking around. As much as I wish he were resting still, I’m so relieved to see him that I cross the small room in as much of a hurry as I can and kiss his lips.
“What was that for?” he asks when I pull back.
“I was having a bad dream before I woke up. I’m just really happy to see you.”
He raises his hand to my face and smiles sleepily at me. “I’m happy to see you, too. What were you doing?”
I shake my head, not wanting to tell him what it sounded like in the next room. “Nothing, really. Just stretching my legs. When did Cody leave?”
“Around two this afternoon. He said to tell you bye and that he and the girls would call tonight.”
“I’m sorry I missed him, but I’m glad he’ll be with the girls.”
Chase brushes his thumb over my cheek and then slides his hand to the back of my head, pulling me closer so he can kiss me again. “Me, too. It’ll be good having him home.”
I kiss him four times, quickly, then kiss his nose. “He’ll go crazy not getting any action in so long.”
That makes Chase laugh loudly, and hearing it makes my heart so happy. “He got some this afternoon. He’ll be fine.”
“You’re kidding me?” I look at him with my mouth slightly ajar. “Who? Where? When?”
“Some tech, during her lunch break…”
“He is such a pig,” I respond, laughing. “At least we won’t have to worry about him bringing anyone to the house. Right?”
“I threatened his life if he tried it. We’re safe.”
“Thank God.” I rest my forehead against his and close my eyes. “Did I miss anything important?”
He moves his head back and f
orth, slowly, against mine. “We should know tonight sometime when we will be leaving tomorrow. We’ve been instructed to get as much rest as we can until then.”
My stomach chooses now to be when it growls loudly, alerting Chase to my current needs. He chuckles and lets go of my head. “Go down and get some food, Darlin’. You haven’t eaten all day. You need to.”
“I’ll go down in a bit, I think their Subway is open until nine.”
“Okay, but don’t forget.”
“I promise,” I say and lean down to kiss him again. It’s got to be overkill, but when your husband dies in your dreams, and then you wake up hearing the alarms of another patient who may be dying next door, there really isn’t such a thing as too many kisses. There never could be again.
Chase
Allie squeezes my hand as we watch the surgeon walk out of my room. It’s only nine thirty in the morning, but we’ve already had an incredibly long day with our flight from New Mexico here to Denver happening at around six o’clock.
“I like him,” she says, taking a seat in the chair beside my bed. “He’s very matter-of-fact, but he was kind. Direct but soft with his delivery.”
“You’re putting way too much thought into his personality,” I say to her, smiling. “As long as he fixes me, he could be the biggest fucking asshole in the world and I wouldn’t care.”
“Daddy!” screams Aubrey, as she bursts through the door. “That’s a bad word!”
Seeing her barreling toward the bed, like a Monkey on a mission to get to me, is the best thing I’ve seen in days. She runs right to Allie’s arms and then climbs up into Allie’s lap so she can see me better.
“I’m sorry, Monkey,” I say to her. “I didn’t know you were listening or I wouldn’t have said any bad words.”
“You has to put money in the curse jar. Just like Uncle Cody.”
Allie and I both laugh, and then Cody and Ava walk into my room, too. Ava’s hand is squeezing his tightly; even I can see the whiteness in her grip around his fingers.
“Hey, Pip,” I say to her, first. “Thanks for bringing my girls,” I add to Cody.
“Hi, Daddy,” she whispers. Looking over everything attached to me and around the room closely.
“It was my pleasure,” he replies, then guides her forward. She steps slowly toward me and the bed, careful not to touch anything.
“You won’t hurt me, Ava, I promise. In fact, I think big hugs from both of you would help me so much.”
Allie helps Aubrey onto my bed and tells her to be gentle, but to give me a big feel better hug. Ava lets go of Cody’s hand and walks around to the other side of my bed, then pushes up to hug me at the same time as Aubrey.
With each of their arms wrapped around me, I hold them as tight as I can and say, “I love you both so much. I’ve missed you.”
Aubrey, oblivious to just how bad everything is for me, pulls away and leans back on her heels beside my waist, grinning wide. “I missed you soooo much too! But we had fun with Tatum and Uncle Cody. They both let us stay up extra late.”
Ava keeps a hold of me and doesn’t say anything. She just buries her face in my neck and stills there.
“Is that so?” I ask Aubrey, raising my brows in Cody’s direction.
“They were in bed by ten,” he says, holding his hands up in innocence. “That’s apparently really late for this one. Michelle told me you gave them special late nights sometimes when we switched shifts.” He steps closer and taps Aubrey’s right shoulder, then moves farther to the left, making her look at nothing and laugh.
“I suppose extra exceptions can be made for special nights,” I respond. “Right, Mommy?”
“Absolutely,” Allie adds, then guides Aubrey into her lap so I can focus on Ava.
I move my other arm over to her, too, and start to rub her back. With my chin tucked slightly, I whisper into her ear, “Are you okay?”
She shakes her head against me, telling me no.
“Are you worried about me?”
Now she nods.
“I’m okay. I’m right here.” I kiss her head and hold her to me, glancing at Cody and Allie. We should’ve known Ava would take this hard. She’s old enough to understand, and given her tendency to look things up, read, and generally just know more things than should be humanly possible at nine years old, she usually understands more than we’d like.
I can feel the coolness of her tears roll onto my neck and over the top of my hospital gown, leaving it damp against me.
“Hey,” I try to soothe her, rubbing her back more. “I’m okay. Will you talk to me? Uncle Cody can come around and help you climb into bed with me.
He goes to come around when she pushes up on her own and lies beside me, not moving from my shoulder or neck even a little.
“Ava,” Allie tries to get her to budge, but she still doesn’t.
“It’s okay, she can stay there as long as she wants.” I turn my head in and kiss Ava’s again. “Will you listen if I talk to you and your sister, Pipsqueak?”
Ava nods again and I smile. “That’s my girl.”
“I’m your girl, too!” Aubrey shrieks, making Allie shush her, reminding her we’re in a hospital and need to use our indoor voices.
“Yes, you are. You’re both my girls. Did Uncle Cody tell you what’s going on?”
Ava nods against me, and Aubrey nods in Allie’s lap.
“Good. I’m going to tell you a little bit now, too. Okay?” I take a deep breath and rub Ava’s back again, needing to do it more for my own comfort than for hers right now. “I got hurt getting off a bull the other day. And right now that means I get really bad headaches sometimes, just like Ava did. But my back is hurt too.”
Aubrey looks up at Allie with wide eyes, causing her to nod her head and confirm what I’m saying.
“I hit my back pretty hard, and I can’t walk right now. And I have to have surgery today so they can try to fix it.”
“Does it hurt?” Aubrey asks.
“Only a little, but I don’t feel too much, so I’m okay.”
“Are you paralyzed?” Ava asks me against my throat, but it’s loud enough for everyone in the room to hear.
Cody shakes his head, indicating he didn’t use that word with them, and Allie just covers her mouth with her hand.
“How do you know about that word?” I ask her.
That finally gets Ava to sit up, tears streaking down her little cheeks. “One of the mommies from my school is paralyzed. She can’t move her arms or her legs. And she has a special chair that moves with her mouth. She did show and tell in our class last year.”
“Oh, baby girl,” Allie says, looking between us with wide, sad eyes.
“We are always honest with each other, right?” I ask Ava.
“Right,” she agrees quietly.
“So I’ll be honest now. I might not be able to walk again.” I pause to clear my throat and swallow back the lump forming there, thanks to having to explain this to my little girl. “But the doctors are going to do the surgery today so they can try to help me walk again. But even if I don’t, I won’t be the same as your classmate’s mom. I can still use my arms, and I have a little bit of feeling in my legs. It’s not a lot, but it’s something.”
“So you won’t be like her mommy?”
“No, he’ll still be your same Daddy, Ava,” Allie pipes in. “He may be in a wheelchair, and he may get out of it and be able to walk and play like normal again. We just have to stay strong for him, and hope and pray for the best. And we are good at that, right?”
Ava looks toward Allie and Aubrey and nods her head. Her cheeks are red, there are dried streaks of tears down it; in this moment, it makes Ava look younger than she is. More innocent. In need of protecting from the world; something I can’t do for her right now.
“I’ll be okay, Ava. I will. No matter what happens today.”
“Okay,” she says, unconvinced.
“Do you know what would make me feel better?”
&n
bsp; “What?”
“Maybe you, your sister, and your mom could go get me a Rice Krispies Treat and a water from the vending machine? Do you think you could do that for me?”
“We can definitely do that for Daddy, right, girls?” Allie says, setting Aubrey back on the ground and standing. “Come on, Ava, let’s go get him, and us, a yummy treat to feel better.”
Ava leans forward to kiss my cheek and then slips off the bed. “We’ll be back.”
Allie takes each of the girls’ hands and they walk out, allowing Cody to step over and take Allie’s seat beside me.
“Fuck,” he says, pulling his ball cap off and rubbing his head. “She didn’t say that word to me even once, or I would’ve tried to do some damage control. I didn’t even let her near a phone, tablet, or computer.”
“I’m not mad, nor was I going to blame you. She’s smart. Too damn smart for our good.”
“You aren’t kidding. She had me doubled over laughing at times last night, and then downright terrified to speak and say the wrong thing other times.”
That makes me laugh. “She is her mother’s daughter.”
“No shit. Aubrey seems to be rolling with all of this pretty well. So that’s good.”
“Yeah, I’m glad she’s only six and not really with the medical picture. Seeing Ava so upset is hard enough.”
“You’ve still got a chance to walk again though?” he asks me, turning his hat in his hand.
“I have some sensation and feeling in my legs, and the cord injury is incomplete. The docs won’t give me a guarantee, but they said it’s a possibility.”
“Another way to set you apart from the paralyzed school mom.”
“I hope so. But I don’t want to guarantee the girls anything. It’ll be hard enough for Allie and me if this surgery and recovery don’t work. And you saw how Ava took everything else.”
He nods his head. “You handled that well, though, both of you did. You didn’t dash her hopes, but you didn’t guarantee anything, either.”
“We’re a team when it comes to parenting them, Allie and I are always on the same page. What’s best for them is what matters, and what we do. It was unspoken, but we both know to tread lightly with how much hope we give.”
Hold on Tight (Cowboys & Angels Book 1) Page 20
