All eyes fell to me as I dropped a cherry tomato back on my plate and shrugged. My eyes danced over the twins and I didn’t like the way they were looking at me, so I dropped my gaze to my plate.
“I heard there was a badass movie that just came out. Zombie something or some shit.” Terry reached across the table and grabbed my pickle, shoving the whole damn thing in his mouth.
“Why don’t you just shoot me instead,” I grumbled.
“Great idea! Paintball!” Chris yelled, and Derek laughed.
All I wanted to know was were E had gone with Donna. It was killing me to think he was out somewhere on a date after what had happened last night. I knew that made me a hypocrite, but it hurt just the same.
“The zoo,” Terry said. His eyes met mine and he gave a small nod. Could he have known I was wondering where E was? It was as if he were reading my thoughts, which hardly seemed possible when none of these guys had thoughts of their own.
“Maybe I should just stay in and write.” I suddenly remembered that I had left my song and guitar in E’s room. The thought of having to face him again thrilled and terrified me. I entertained the idea of just letting him keep it. I could use a new guitar. Mine was old.
“How is it possible for you to be this boring?” Chris asked with a straight face.
I picked up the cherry tomato and tossed it at his head. My insides were tied in knots and it was almost painful to hold a normal conversation. Derek leaned back and put his arm across the seat behind me.
“Maybe we should stay in.” He leaned in, rubbing his nose against my cheek as his other hand crept up my thigh, and I knew his hand was only a thin piece of fabric from my newest scar, on my leg. It angered me that he had never questioned how it had gotten there. Maybe he knew, maybe he just didn’t care.
“How far is the zoo?” As soon as the question left my lips, the twins smirked and I felt ashamed.
“I’ll call Tuck,” Chris said as he leaned to his side and pulled his cell from his pocket.
Ten minutes later we were in separate cabs and on our way. Derek was still running his hands over me as much as possible, despite that Terry was sitting on the other side of me. He glanced down at Derek’s hand on my leg.
“Don’t let me stop you, you fucking perv.”
Derek groaned and relaxed in his seat and I finally let the tension leave my muscles. How was Derek so oblivious to my aversion to being touched?
The cab ride couldn’t be over fast enough. I wasn’t even sure E was at the zoo, but anything would be a welcome distraction from all of this. My skin felt as if it were crawling and I forced the thought of releasing my pain from my mind.
As we pulled up out front, we all got out of our cabs. Cass made her way to my side and we headed over to the ticket counter.
It was unbearably hot out, but the bamboo that lined the paths offered enough shade to keep us all from passing out.
“I want to see the monkeys.” Cass was excited and tugging on Tuck’s arm.
“We brought the monkeys with us,” I joked, and rolled my eyes as Chris grabbed his crotch.
Tucker smiled down at Cass, his fingers trailing over her jaw as he kissed her on the lips.
My heart sank. I stared off at the animal enclosures, feeling that in this moment I could relate to them much better than I could to my best friend.
“I miss not having you around,” Cass said as the guys walked off a few feet and we wandered toward the spider monkey enclosure.
“Maybe we will tour together again.” I shrugged.
“You think Derek would be okay with that?” Cass cocked her eyebrow.
I turned toward the animals. “Who knows?” My voice trailed off and Cass didn’t press the issue.
“You want a snow cone?” Derek asked, and I nodded. He pulled his wallet from his pocket as he strolled over to the Snack Barn. I watched a woman pull her son to her side as she eyed Derek’s tattoos.
“He seems to be playing nice,” Cass’s voice broke through my thoughts.
“Too little too late,” I sighed, but immediately felt like an asshole. “I’m glad he is trying.”
She nodded but didn’t reply as Tuck put his arms around her waist from behind and whispered something in her ear. She nodded and he kissed her on the cheek before following after Derek.
“I miss this. Ever since the tour ended, things have been so . . . different.”
“You missing some of us more than others?” Cass’s eyebrow was cocked.
I shook my head with a laugh. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You know what is amazing about you?” I honestly had no clue. “When I needed someone to talk to about . . . the past, you went out of your way to become my friend and to help me find a way to work through everything I was feeling. Without writing, I don’t know what I would do.”
“I am pretty awesome, aren’t I?” I laughed.
Cass smiled, shaking her head. “You’re an awesome friend. I want to be able to be there for you, too. You can talk to me about . . . anything that is going on, ya know?”
“Are we going to talk about periods and braid each other’s hair?” I joked.
Cass made a face. “Don’t act like you don’t like doing my hair,” she shot back playfully. “And as for the period thing . . . I kind of haven’t had mine for a while.”
“What? How long is a while?”
“You can’t say anything until I am sure everything is okay. After everything that happened before . . .” She looked to the ground.
“How long?”
“It’s been a month. I was freaked out. I wouldn’t even take a test for the longest time because I was scared.”
“But you took one? What did it say?” I was practically bouncing up and down.
Cass placed her finger over her lips to remind me to be quiet. She leaned in and her lips quirked into a smile. “It was positive.”
I squealed and she smacked my arm. “Sorry! I can’t help it. A little baby? I am so happy for you guys.”
“You are the only one who knows for now. I want to make sure everything is all right before I say anything. I’m not sure Tucker could handle another loss.”
“I promise I won’t say anything, but you need to tell him soon, Cass. If something happened, he needs to be there for you.”
“I will. I am just trying to find the right moment. Now you know my secret, so spill yours.”
“I just don’t know where to even begin. Everything is a mess. Derek is being amazing to me and we are finally in a good place.”
“But?”
“But I . . . I think I’m falling for E.” I worried my lip as I waited for her to tell me I was a bad person, but I knew she wouldn’t. Cass never judged because she knew what it was like to be looked down on just because of where she came from. She knew what it was like to feel broken, torn, confused.
“I was there. I get it. You can’t help who you have feelings for, but you need to decide who it is you want. Take it from me. You don’t want things to blow up in your face, and it is no secret the way you guys look at each other. If we can see it, so can Derek.” Cass leaned against the fencing around the animal cage.
Derek and Tuck made their way back over to us with snow cones in hand.
“Thank you.” I took a cone from Derek’s hand and he leaned in, giving me a quick kiss, leaving the lingering taste of blueberries on my lips.
“You taste better than the snow cone,” he whispered against my lips.
ERIC
DONNA HAD SOMEHOW succeeded in keeping my mind off Sarah for the most part. Usually the only activity that could keep my mind off the heavy stuff was performing with the band. I missed the stage and couldn’t wait to get up there again. The loud music drowned out my thoughts, and the longer we stayed off tour, the deeper I slipped back into my old self, unable to pull my thoughts from my past.
“Oh my God! Are you Tucker White?” I heard a female call from the next path over. I grabbed Donn
a’s hand and pulled her around the corner, my throat suddenly closing as I watched Derek kiss Sarah.
Cass’s eyes found mine and regret washed over her face as Tucker signed a piece of paper for the teenage girl in front of him.
“Hey,” Donna called out, and everyone turned to us. Donna held my hand tightly and stepped toward them, forcing me to go along.
“What the hell are you guys doing here?” I asked, trying not to sound irritated.
Chris pointed to Terry, who held up his hands in mock surrender and shook his head. I could only nod and run my free hand through my hair angrily.
My whole body ached as I forced myself not to go to Sarah and pull her away from Derek. I wanted to press my lips against hers so hard she forgot her own name. I could see her struggle to keep a smile on her face and it killed me inside.
“Where to?” Cass asked as she turned to Tucker.
He looked to me and I gave a quick nod, letting him know I was okay. “That way.” He pointed to a path off to the left that had a sign reading ELEPHANTS at the entrance. We all began to walk as I let Donna’s fingers slip from mine. It didn’t feel right holding on to her and wishing it were someone else.
A woman was standing on a crate just outside the elephant enclosure, and a crowd had gathered around her in a semicircle as she spouted off facts. We all gathered close and Sarah’s body was in front of mine. I stepped up beside her, Derek on her left and Donna on my right. A fucking love triangle.
I didn’t take in anything that the woman said as I relived the night before over and over in my head. I felt Sarah’s eyes on me and I suppressed a smile. Her eyes went forward and the back of her hand brushed against mine. I looped my pinkie in hers and tried my damnedest to focus ahead. I knew it was wrong and I would only end up hurting her, but I couldn’t resist. If she was smart, she would pull away, but she didn’t and I knew she was feeling the electricity that shot between us where our bodies connected. If anyone saw us, there would be no stopping the fight that would ensue, but I didn’t give a fuck. I couldn’t see anything but Sarah anymore.
I couldn’t get enough of her. Every touch, every glance, was a high that I never wanted to come down from. My fingers brushed along her hip as we watched the macaws flap their wings and spout random phrases. Her chest brushed against my back as we looked in at the Galápagos tortoises. Her eyes locked onto my lips as we stood in front of the giraffe enclosure, and I closed my eyes as I pictured her body straddling mine as her sweet breath blew over my mouth. I opened my eyes and her chest was rising and falling quickly as her tongue ran over her lower lip. She was thinking the same thing I was. I was dying to get her alone, even for a second, so I could touch her. When we stood in front of the lion exhibit, I finally saw my chance.
“You want to ride the train?” I asked Donna, glancing over her shoulder to Sarah.
“Yeah, sounds fun.” Donna smiled and I put my arm around her waist as we walked toward the small station. I leaned over the railing as we waited for the next ride, hating where my head was going. I didn’t want to share Sarah, I didn’t want to be her second choice, but my body wouldn’t let me say no to her. The heartbreak I was going to suffer from this would kill me, but I welcomed death if I got to spend even another minute alone with Sarah.
The train pulled under the small wooden roof and we all filed into our seats. I walked by Sarah and Derek, my eyes on the ground as I guided Donna into the row directly behind them.
We pulled out and Sarah’s hair blew back toward me, the smell of her fruity shampoo in the air. I stared out the side as we wound our way around the zoo and finally came up on the tunnel that ran behind the lion cages. My heart pounded in my chest as I watched the engine disappear into the blackness. As soon as our car was in the dark I leaned forward, sliding my hand along Sarah’s neck and turning her head so I could press my mouth against her cheek. Her quiet gasp was swallowed by the echoing of the train engine off the tunnel walls.
Even with everyone else around us, it felt as if we were in our own private world. My fingers slid down over her throat before I shoved myself back against my seat and we were thrust into daylight once again. I could still feel the rhythm of her heartbeat in my fingertips, like a beat to a song that was only ours.
There was no more fighting it. I wanted her more than I wanted my next breath, and I couldn’t stay away even if it slowly killed me inside. It was worth the pain to be able to be close to her.
I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face for the rest of our time at the zoo. When we finally left and decided to go out to get dinner, I was even making small talk with Derek, even though it turned my stomach to see him sitting next to her. I understood why he would want me to stay away. She was irresistible and he never deserved her. No one did.
I pressed my foot against hers as I sat across from her at the table, craving to be closer to her. Derek rambled on and on about my missing out at the strip club last night, and I couldn’t help but shake my head. Not only was he pissing off Sarah, but he couldn’t imagine how great a time I had without them. My feelings were tearing me in two—my heart went out to Sarah, but selfishly I relished every second that Derek was digging himself deeper into a hole.
I dipped a fry in mayonnaise and shoved it in my mouth as I absentmindedly began to hum the song we were making together last night. I tried not to be affected by her knowing smile but my heart stuttered.
“I like that,” Donna said as she stole one of my fries. “That a new song?”
I shook my head and took a drink of my soda. “Just something stuck in my head.” I glanced up as I grabbed another fry.
“Who is looking for a little fun tonight?” Terry asked as he rubbed his hands together. The women collectively groaned in disgust and I laughed. “That’s not what I meant.” He shook his head as we all waited for him to elaborate. “Beatfest is tonight and it is only about an hour from here. I have been looking forward to this all week.”
“This is going to be epic.” Tucker crumbled up his napkin and tossed it on his plate.
Cass shrugged as her eyes wandered around the table.
“I’m up for it,” I added as I finished my burger, and Sarah’s foot moved against mine.
“I’ll hook up transportation. Donna, you think we could get a limo on this short notice?” Tuck asked as the waitress came over and dropped off the check.
“It shouldn’t be that hard,” Donna spoke up.
“That’s what she said!” Cass laughed, and I tossed a fry at her and shook my head.
SARAH
WE RUSHED BACK to the hotel so we could get ready for the festival. I was excited to dress up in some of my concert gear, which I’d had packed away for days. I pulled on a black minidress with strappy sandals, knowing that heels would kill me in the field all night.
It was still hot so I didn’t pile on the makeup and just used a little mascara. It was easier to hide behind a gallon of eyeliner and shadow, but I knew E could see through it all anyway.
Before pulling on a black T-shirt that matched his jeans, Derek eyed me up and down. “You look hot.”
“Thanks.” I ran my fingers through my hair as I watched him put on his leather wrist cuffs. “You want me to let everyone know we’re ready?”
He nodded as he searched for his black boots.
I tried not to look too eager as I hurried from the room and made my way to E’s door. I knocked quickly as I stared down the hall to make sure Derek hadn’t come out.
As soon as E answered, his arm looped around my waist and pulled me in and against his body as I melted into him.
“We can’t do this,” I panted as my eyes fell closed. It was too painful to look at his perfect face and tell him no.
“Friends hug,” he whispered into my ear, and I shivered. But by now, we were in too deep. We both knew it was more.
He pulled back to look me in the eye before he pressed his lips to my forehead and nodded. We slipped into the hall and I sighed with relief that no one had
come out of his or her room yet.
I went to Donna’s door and E went to the twins’. We smiled stupidly at each other as we waited for them to answer. Derek came out and snuck up behind me, pressing himself against my back. E’s face went hard and he turned to look ahead. Thankfully, the twins answered and he went inside their room. Donna called out that she was coming, and a few seconds later her door popped open as she fastened an earring in her ear.
“You look great.” She smiled at me approvingly.
“Thanks. You, too,” I said, looking over her jean skirt and off-the-shoulder black blouse.
“Can we talk?”
“About?” I had the sudden urge to flee the room. The last person I wanted to have a talk with was the girlfriend of the guy I was secretly falling for.
“I know you and E are close, and I am probably the last person you want bringing this up to you, but it is no secret that he cares about you.”
“We are just friends.” Saying that out loud was physically painful, but I wasn’t about to lay all of my secrets on the table for E’s girlfriend.
She studied me for a minute and sighed loudly. “He’s a good guy that I care about a lot. I don’t want to see him hurt.”
That was the last thing I wanted as well. The thought of hurting E or Derek killed me inside, and I knew it was inevitable. If now Donna was bringing it up, I knew I would soon have to decide what I was going to do.
She held my gaze for another moment before glancing away as the guys approached. “Tuck just called. He got us a limo for the event. Tickets are waiting at the gate.” She slipped on one of her sandals, trying to balance on one foot.
E slipped in beside us and I didn’t miss the brush of his fingers along my hip. He stood next to Donna, letting her hold his arm while she slid on her other shoe.
“This should be fun,” I said, trying to sound cheery.
I WASN’T A fan of long car rides, but if I had to choose, I would ride in a limo everywhere I go. We toasted to friendship, to music, and to every other excuse we could find to have another drink. Forty-five minutes in, the music was blaring and the guys were drunkenly singing along.
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