by Shey Stahl
There was no emotion to any of it. I could have been asleep and he wouldn’t have cared, I knew that much. My hands stayed flat on the bed at my sides, never once touching him. He never tried to kiss me, nor did his mouth find any sliver of my skin.
What in the hell just happened?
With another groan, mixed with a sigh, Easton rolled off of me and then back into the bathroom, the door slamming shut behind him.
The moment, and I do mean the moment he withdrew from me, the emotions took over.
It was like everything from the weekend had come crashing down on me and I started crying, almost hysterically.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Reaching for my phone, charger, and pillow, I made my way downstairs to the couch. I couldn’t sleep in the same bed with him, not after that. He’d basically used me to get off and that was clear.
My phone lit up with text messages when I plugged it in again, most from Casten asking if I was okay. Hayden told him about what Axel had said to me at Volusia.
And when I thought about it, no, I wasn’t okay with anything. Not with what Axel said or what just happened between Easton and me.
I sent Casten a message back telling him I was fine. Setting my phone down, I sat there in silence, the only noise the distant hum of the furnace running.
My tears had slowed by then as I wrapped a blanket from the back of the couch around me and lied down staring up at the ceiling. My thoughts immediately went to Rager. I don’t know why, but they always seemed to.
“The only thing that really bothers me right now is that you’re married, and I can’t have what I want. That’s just me being a selfish son of a bitch, though.”
If only Rager knew Easton and I were over. But I couldn’t tell him. It was like I was living a lie for my family.
THE NEXT MORNING, after barely any sleep, Easton came downstairs in his boxer briefs to stand in front of me. “Why are you down here?”
Is he fucking serious?
By the way he stared at me, he was. He had no clue. No idea what he was doing to me making me live like this, pretending we were still together, using me when he needed, but hanging up on me when I needed someone.
Fuck him.
With the heaviest of sighs I could muster, I laid into him. It was just like when I went off on Axel the other night. “What the fuck was that last night?”
My stare locked on his and I waited for him to answer me. He did that thing, like a fish out of water, mouth opening and closing, trying to come up with an answer he didn’t have.
But I waited until he said something.
After a moment, he shook his head from left to right before dropping it forward. Hanging it between his shoulders, he sighed. “I just needed some.”
He just needed some?
“So you used me for sex, but yet, we’re not together anymore and I can’t tell anyone?”
He was silent for a moment, his arms crossed over his chest, his head hanging and eyes on the floor. “Who do you want to tell? Rager?”
It always went back to that.
“You know what?” I threw my pillow at him and stood up, shoving him back into the leather chair behind him. “You’re a fucking asshole, too. You’re the one who asked for a goddamn divorce, Easton. You wanted it. You said you didn’t want to be married. I didn’t. So now you get to live with that decision. That’s on you. Not me. Don’t treat me like this because of something you asked for.”
He shot back up out of the chair and in my face, his anger pulsing right along with my heart. “Don’t stand here and tell me you didn’t want out!” he shouted, nostrils flaring, his chest expanding with his breath. “I saw it on your face every time I came home from being gone. It was the wrong man walking through the door, wasn’t it?”
Anger bubbled inside of me that he was accusing me this way, hypocrisy at its finest.
He glanced down at the end table where my phone was and grabbed it. My hand wrapped around his. “Stop it.”
Swapping it to his other hand, he held it up high out of my reach. “Why? Got something to hide?” he asked, harshly. “Should I read every message that piece of shit has ever sent you?”
My muscles jumped in surprise that he was acting like this. Why now? Looking at him, I could get lost in his darkness, so full of underlying anger for this, me, us...
“Then look.” Taking a step back, I called his bluff. “I don’t have anything to hide on there.”
“You’re right.” He didn’t even blink. “You keep everything about you a secret, locked inside here…” The hand that wasn’t holding my phone rose to the side of my head. With the lightest touch, his index finger tapped light, once, against my temple. “Don’t you?”
“Give me my phone,” I demanded, willing myself not to look away from the intensity he was handing me.
His jaw clenched.
He said nothing.
So I tried again. “Give me my phone, Easton.”
“I think you’ve always liked the attention you’ve gotten from the both of us, haven’t you? He gives it to you, and you know it bothers me.”
“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” My voice was strong, despite my weakness inside. “And you made your mind up, remember? You asked for the divorce.”
“It was never about not loving you,” he stated, and I wasn't sure where this was going, until his eyes caught mine. “Not once.” He tossed my phone back down on the table where it slipped off onto the floor. I didn’t look; I kept my stare on his. “You were my girl. I fought hard for you.”
But did he? Did he really fight as hard as he believes he did?
“If that were true, you wouldn’t have given up when I needed you the most.”
His voice was so quiet, as if he was talking to himself and ignoring me all together. “I love you. I will always love you. But this, you, tells me you’re not in love with me. What you want, I want to give you. I tried to. But do you see what I see? Do you feel it?” he whispered regretfully. “What I see is that you want the best of both worlds. You didn’t even ask me if I was okay with you traveling with the boys. You made that decision.”
“And you didn't ask me if I wanted you to race three divisions all at once.”
In a huffed breath, he let out a sarcastic laugh, shaking his head. “That’s my point. It always comes back to that.” His reply was evasive, despite the truth behind it. His lips parted and I knew what was coming. “We were over long before that. Maybe even before it started. You make me feel like I’m the asshole sometimes for trying to love you.”
Because you are.
“I’m not the only one to blame for this not working.”
His shoulders hunched as he froze at the bottom of the stairs when I spoke, words he knew were coming. He nodded, as if to agree, and then walked up the stairs.
Easton claimed he didn’t want to make this ugly, but I had a feeling it wasn’t going to work out that way.
Not with the resentment we both held.
Open Wheel - Cars that have their wheels exposed- no fenders. Examples are sprint cars and midgets.
I HAVE ALWAYS enjoyed the West Coast swing of the Outlaws. That was before I was a merchandise manager.
And I also wasn’t sure what to think about being with the Outlaws and Easton being in the same city, too, because what would that mean? Would he act the same? Would he want to put on a show at the dirt track?
Easton had an appearance on Wednesday night, which left me flying out to Vegas by myself on Tuesday afternoon. It also left me alone in Vegas on Tuesday night with the guys.
It was a two night show, and then we headed to Tuscan on Friday, which also happened to be Rager’s birthday. And he was definitely starting his birthday celebration a few days early by the longnecks surrounding him and the small portable bonfire we sat around that night.
It’d been two weeks since I had seen him, and still, the fire, that stare, those eyes, the way he watched me, I couldn’t stop
staring back at him. It was like my eyes and body were drawn to one person in a way neither of us could understand.
With a beer in my hand and sitting across from Rager, I was thankful for coming out here without Easton, because after the last few weeks of pretending to still be married while he pranced around with me on his arm, I was so fucking frustrated I could scream.
Just when I would think, I can’t take this; I have to tell my family, I would see Easton getting pressured from the media, questioned, or my mom would tell me about another reporter invading the tiny bubble that Axel had put himself into, and I chickened out.
Being with them while they drank was one thing.
Being around them while I was drinking was another, because it always led me right back to where I shouldn’t be. Only now there wasn’t a lot stopping me from doing what I wanted.
I was twenty-four years old. Who said I had to have it all together by now? Most people probably did, but then again, most people probably hadn’t jumped into a marriage they knew was wrong. Most people wouldn’t keep their divorce from said husband a secret either.
I also began to wonder if Rager could keep a secret. Because I so desperately needed to tell someone. And he was the closest thing I had to a best friend these days.
“We’re heading to bed,” Dad said, slapping Mom’s ass as she climbed off his lap, the two of them disappearing inside their motor home.
They hadn’t let us into the pits yet, so we were camping in the parking lot Tuesday night. I was planning on staying in my parent’s motor home while with Casten and Hayden. The other guys were staying with either Tommy—where Axel was already sleeping off a two-day hangover—or Rager.
“You’re a lucky man,” Tommy noted out of nowhere when my parents disappeared, looking at Casten watching Hayden dance around the fire.
“Why?” Casten lolled his head back in the camp chair, cheeks flushed and a white hat pulled down low.
“You get regular pussy. I have to work hard for mine.”
Casten laughed, bringing the beer in his hand to his lips. “Oh please, Rosa gives it up to you anytime you’re home.”
“And your point?” He looked appalled.
With a heavy sigh, Rager leaned forward and reached for another beer, his fourth of the night.
I was on my fifth and headed for my sixth at the same time. The cooler was right beside him, so I had no choice but to walk around the fire to stand beside his chair while getting another one.
Tommy and Willie both took off somewhere in the parking lot, probably to get into trouble.
Laughter broke out around the fire, boys giving each other shit as my bleary gaze caught Rager’s when he tapped my thigh with his longneck. “There’s a seat open here.” And then he gave a nod to his lap.
Standing next to him, I didn’t move. I wanted to sit on his lap, but I was hesitant to do so. “Do you think it’s a good idea?”
Five beers made you do things you probably shouldn’t. Made me think that if anything, I could forget my fucked up decisions for a night.
His smile was higher on one side as his mischievous disposition took over, lighting the blue twinkle in his half-lidded eyes. There was a needy ache in the pit of my stomach, twisting and pulsing with every beat of my heart, knowing what we had couldn’t be ignored. We tried that. It didn’t work. And now here I was, waiting for Casten, Hayden, and Lane to disappear on the other side of the motor home so I could talk to Rager. I hadn’t actually talked to him since that night in the hotel room where I had my head in his lap.
Raising his left hand, his fingers danced around the back of my hand, a feather light touch. “I do think it’s a good idea.”
There seemed to be a different feel about him. A boldness maybe and it wasn’t just the liquid courage in him. It was something more.
“We’re gonna go get some beer up the road,” Lane told us, giving Rager a nod before disappearing with Hayden and Casten. Rager’s hand dropped to rest in his lap, his touch gone.
Leaning forward, his elbows on his knees, he looked up at me.
Rager’s motor home was parked against the back fence in the parking lot, leaving little light around us. Secured in those shadows, and finally alone for the moment, I sat on Rager’s lap.
Relaxing back into the chair, he shook his head, hands grasping my hips. “No, I mean this way,” he said, twisting me around so I was straddling him.
Surprised by the action, I laughed, the motion causing our bodies to shift so my face was inches from his.
I swallowed my anxiety and closed my eyes, moving closer.
It had been a year since I kissed Rager, and I wanted to so badly. It seemed he had the same feelings. I just wanted to taste his lips on mine, remember that feeling that consumed me any time he touched me. I wanted to remember how it felt to have someone want you that way, and not for any other reason than they couldn’t control themselves. At some point when you’re in a relationship, that disappears, and some never find it again. Easton and I certainly hadn’t.
Rager’s mouth inched closer to mine, and then he kissed me. His tongue traced the seam of my lips, eager for more, my breath blowing out as his breath caught when I arched my back and rolled my hips into him.
When I opened my gently parted lips, Rager groaned into my mouth, pulling me against his chest, his lips hungry and searching for more. The sound of his soft groan sent another shiver through me. With every move he made with his hands, his muscles flexed and fought for control.
“Where’s Tommy and Willie?” I asked against his lips, fearing we’d get caught any minute.
Rager grunted, never moving his mouth from mine. “Not here.” His tongue darted inside my mouth, his hands cradling my face to deepen the kiss. That was when I rocked my hips forward, seeing just how much he wanted this.
After a moment, his eager lips moved to my neck, sucking, licking, and biting before he moved again. His hips lurched forward, his arms wrapping around me securely as he grunted. “Fuck, Arie. How far can I take this?” he asked, rocking his hips against mine to reveal his erection. His hands moved from my sides to cradle my face. His eyes, oh God, those eyes, they pleaded. “Can I get you off?”
I nodded.
Rager had never asked me that. What changed? What had him wanting this all of a sudden when he was so cautious around me most of the time?
As he caressed my face and down to my hips with the hands I’d so badly missed, it was right then that I knew this was where I belonged. I needed this.
Rager seemed to need it more.
With a sigh, I closed my eyes and tipped my head back, letting him have contact with his lips, his tongue, and teeth all over my skin. I let him take what he wanted, giving any part of myself to him that I could.
“I need you…”
“I need you.”
I need you?
I NEED YOU!
What we were doing was wrong on so many levels, but when she was with me like this, I couldn’t help but pretend if maybe I gave more, it would be enough that she wouldn’t go back to him.
The night in the hotel room two weeks ago, she said something to me that gave me hope, made me think there was a chance now.
“When are you going to see that you’re meant for me? Only me.”
“I already know I am. We’re separated…”
And then she fell asleep.
I had no idea what the rest was.
Separated?
That could mean anything, but I knew they were in trouble. And that was probably the only reason I had her on my lap now. Maybe I was trying to convince her of something, or maybe I was trying to convince myself. I might never know.
My eyes kept darting around the field, wondering at what point were Casten and Hayden gonna come back, but yet, I couldn’t stop myself from helping her rock against me. Mere fabric was separating us from having sex, and it was essentially that thought that nearly sent me over the edge.
Or maybe it was because this was Arie on m
y lap grinding into me, her wet pussy begging for my dick to make her scream.
Give it to her. Fuck her. She wants you to.
Taking a tight grip on her hips, I dragged her back and forth over my erection, knowing at any second we’d get caught or she would stop me. Wound so fucking tight already, I knew I could get there by the friction our jeans were providing. Her heavy, hot breath panting against my ear quickened, low throaty moans escaping her.
Her hands moved to my shoulders, taking a firm grip on my sweatshirt. I wanted to see her knuckles turn white, fist in the fabric indicating her desperation mirrored my own.
Shifting my hands to her ass, I pushed her down harder on my erection, savoring the feeling, but knowing I had to stop her. She ground down on me, over and over again, her knees shaking with each drag of her pelvis over mine. Arie pressed an open-mouthed kiss to my jaw, panting breaths washing over my heated skin. My head lolled back against the chair, my eyes squeezing shut.
My hands grasped, needed, moved, tugged, and gave way.
“Rager,” she moaned into my mouth.
With her pleas, my body screamed in approval. Her actions, her gasps, her eagerness, told me just how badly she wanted me.
Grasping my shoulders, Arie moaned again. “Faster, Rager, please!”
Just let me fuck you. It could be so good.
I couldn’t deny her, though my mind had other ideas and wanted to slow this down, my body couldn’t. Dragging her over my erection faster, my body shaking and tensing, the muscles in my stomach trembled as they flexed with each movement; the process repeating, over and over again.
“Fuck, Arie…” I groaned indecipherably as she rocked into me with a new intensity, our rhythm breaking when her body melted into mine.
By the gentle little moan that fell from her lips against my neck, I knew then she’d just come.
I fucking gave Arie an orgasm for the first time.
She fell apart, for me, because of me.
The idea, the vision, the realization fucked the control I was holding onto. Gripping her so tight I was sure she would have bruises tomorrow, my arms moved around her shoulders, heaving her chest to mine.
