by Shey Stahl
It was only nine that morning, and my thoughts were already on Rager and whether or not he took that blonde to bed. Was he still in there? Did he think of me? Did he think of her? How long did it last?
Fearing my mind would obsess over this the entire day, I met Hayden and Bailey in the lobby, and then we went and had some coffee. Lane brought down Abigale and Gray and he and the guys took them to breakfast.
Gray, being three now and Abigale being five, they didn’t exactly get along all the time. For the most part, they did, but Gray insisted that Lane carry her across the lobby floor and her not have to walk. Abigale wasn’t cool with her daddy carrying Gray.
That resulted in an all-out argument between them.
“I can’t handle this,” Bailey said, her hand laid on her swollen stomach. Lane smiled and jetted the other way back upstairs. I wanted to ask him about Rager, beg him to tell me what he knew, but I also knew I couldn’t. Instead, I turned back to Bailey.
She was due in June, which meant she was miserable. Anything over six months seemed miserable to me.
“And you’re having another one,” I teased, my arm around her.
“At least this one is a boy. Girls are so picky.” Bailey smiled at me, and then winked. “You just wait. It’ll happen any day.”
“I don’t see how,” Hayden added, joining the conversation with her mouth wrapped around the straw of her mocha. “They’re never together.” Her voice lowered, her chin on my shoulder, “If you wanted to make a baby with Rager, you’d probably be able to in a camp chair.”
Oh God, she saw us.
My mouth gaped open at her, turning to face her. “What?”
“You really should be more discrete if you’re going to dry hump the bad boy.”
“I…uh…”
Hayden put her hand in my face, and then reached down to grab Gray before she snuck past us into the casino. “I’m not going to say anything…but I do have one question.”
“What?”
“Is he packing?”
I had to roll my eyes. Of course Hayden would want to know. “I don’t know.”
Everybody wondered about us. We could have been a reality show; we were that interesting to them.
“Yes you do. I saw him adjusting himself, but I couldn’t get a good look at his junk. Dumb-ass stuck his hand down his pants to adjust himself after he got inside the motor home. Like all the way down there.”
What? Really. And fuck was that hot sounding.
The thought of Rager’s hand down his pants touching his erection made my tummy flip a little, and that was wrong. I shouldn’t have thought that.
“How do you know?” My voice was actually shaking, like I was asking the hottest guy to prom. So stupid.
“I was in there trying to go to the bathroom because I didn’t want to wake up your parents.”
“What did he say?”
“Nothing really. I made some smart-ass comment and he grunted some kind of reply and fell face first on his bed.”
“I’m screwed,” I mumbled to her, feeling like an idiot. If she saw, who else did?
“It’s okay. I get it.” She gave me that look, the one where her dark left eyebrow arched and she pushed her dark hair behind her ears.
Part of me knew right then she understood there was something going on with Rager and me and that Easton and I had been done for a while. Hayden wasn’t dumb. Everyone thought she was just a smart-ass with nothing nice to say, but she was loyal and dependable. If there was anyone you could count on keeping their word, it was Hayden.
With Bailey preoccupied by Abigale and kissing Lane goodbye for the afternoon, Hayden hugged me. “I’m not going to say anything to anyone about what I saw, or what I think I know. That’s your business.”
Hayden didn’t come out and ask me about Easton, but I think she knew right then. It was fairly obvious if you looked at what she saw.
As we waited in the lobby for my mom to get her ass up and out of bed with my dad, I saw Rager and Tommy come down to the lobby and into the casino. Tommy had a gambling problem, which was probably why he dragged Rager with him to keep him in check.
Rager wouldn’t even look my direction, even when Abigale screamed for him. He jogged over to give the Pretty Princess her morning hug, but never even looked at me.
It hurt to see that we were constantly playing this game with one another.
I wanted to yell at him, “So now you’re not talking to me?”
But I didn’t. I was too busy thinking about Hayden telling me about his hand down his pants.
Mom came walking through the lobby about that time, dressed in tight jeans and a light blue tank top that flowed out around the waist, and sandals with a small heel on them. For turning fifty this coming September, she still looked like she was in her thirties. Long, brown, wavy hair that always looked like she stepped off a beach and skin flawless. I always thought, “Wow, I hope I look that good when I’m her age.”
When she was close enough, she cupped her boobs and smiled, still showing those new babies off even over a year later.
I didn’t look much like my mother. I was more like my dad, his facial features and expressions with my mom’s nose and legs. Personality wise, I was like my dad too. I spoke my mind. Mostly.
“Morning,” Mom said when she reached us and Rager walked past her with a smile. She smiled back at him, and then her eyes found mine, watchful of my reaction to him walking away.
I gave nothing away, only reached to hug her.
“Let’s go!” Gray yelled, yanking on Hayden’s arm when she put her down.
She was impatient.
When we were situated in the spa, I felt a little more relaxed and even stuck my phone in my bag so I didn’t have the feeling that I needed to constantly check it to see if Rager had sent me a message. Not that he would, but what if he did?
As we sat down for manicures and pedicures, I chose the Elements of Earth package, as did my mom. The room was peaceful, bright, and smelled amazing, like fresh coffee and flowers.
“Are you doing okay?” Mom asked, right after we sat down and the technicians were wrapping our bare legs in steaming wraps that made me never want to leave.
“Yeah, why?”
“I just…” and then she caught herself. “Dad said he met with Easton the other morning and something seemed off to him.”
I knew Dad would have sensed that. Easton was off to everyone these days. He acted like he was too good for team meetings and basically anything that didn’t involve racing in the car on Sunday. Other than that, he didn’t want to be bothered with it. But he was sure into filming the commercials for the sunglass company that he and that Victoria’s Secrets model were in together.
“We’re having some problems,” I admitted, but held back from saying we filed for separation and hired a divorce lawyer. That was also part of Easton’s problem. As of three days ago, he found out he’d have to pay alimony to me. Not that I wanted it, but everything we’d acquired in our marriage, cars, two homes, and a hefty savings account was from him winning the championship last year. Sure, I hadn’t brought in much of that, but we didn’t sign a pre-nup. Didn’t think we needed to.
He was probably regretting that. He wouldn’t say it, but knowing he’d be paying me monthly wasn’t what he wanted. I knew that much by the look on his face when the lawyer told him.
Mom placed her hand on my shoulder as she sat next to me. “I’m here if you need to talk.”
Just confide in your mom. She won’t tell anyone.
But then again, she might tell Dad.
Mom and I had certainly became closer over the last few years, but this wasn't something I wanted to burden her with, and I couldn’t really tell her because I knew she’d talk to my dad about it. They never kept secrets. Obviously, I didn’t want my dad finding out because he would react against Easton. I knew it.
So I kept my secret, though I knew both Rager and Hayden had an idea something was wrong.
&nbs
p; With the lady at my feet scrubbing away and trying to make my toes appear a little more presentable, my attention went to Hayden and Gray picking out colors. The sight yanked on my heart and my ovaries.
Believe it or not, when Easton and I decided to have kids, I was ready. I wanted to have them. I could picture myself being a mom, finally. For the longest time, I couldn’t, but the more time I spent around my niece and nephew’s, the more I wanted them.
After Jack passed, I thought maybe I didn’t anymore, because who could face the heartache of losing a child?
I wasn’t sure I could. I couldn’t possibly begin to understand the pain Axel and Lily were going through.
I knew how I felt when Jack died, and I wasn’t even his mother. The days following his death were numb ones, but when the pain hit, it was unreal the sadness I felt. I couldn’t eat or sleep; hell, it hurt to breathe thinking every breath I took, he wasn’t.
“Has Axel heard from Lily?” I asked Mom as she looked through a magazine beside her, barely interested, but keeping her attention enough that she hadn’t put it down in the hour we had been sitting there.
“She apparently filed for separation, but Axel sent the papers back and wouldn’t meet with a lawyer.”
My stomach dropped at the thought and remembering the feeling I felt signing the papers for my own separation.
“She didn’t waste any time, did she?”
“No. She won’t let the boys come see us either.” Looking over at my mother, I saw how bad that hurt her.
Not only had we lost Jack, but nothing about our family was the same. Last year, we had Jack around at the majority of the races and Lily was traveling with us. It really was a family affair. And now, everyone and everything was different. Those who were at Cottage Grove that night, those images would never leave them. Not a day went by where I didn’t see the tragedy of the pits that night and the blood all over my father, as horrifying as that image was.
Mom went for her massage after our pedicures and left me with the hounds.
And they were hounds, moving in like a pack of wild animals.
“Why do you guys keep bothering me about this?” I finally asked Hayden, not understanding her obsession with Rager and me, and then had to remind myself that she was only trying to be my friend. Which I appreciated because I had very little of that anymore, if ever.
“Because he’s never with anyone and we’re curious,” Hayden replied, looking at me like I should have known she would want more details.
“Of what?” My eyes shifted between Bailey and Hayden, one on each side of me with Gray and Abigale across from us having their toenails painted.
“Why he’s never with anyone,” Hayden clarified before reaching for the ice water beside her. “And why won’t they put a splash of vodka in this? It’s Vegas. Everyone is walking around with vodka.”
“Ask Bailey,” I told Hayden, wishing I, too, had vodka. Or better yet, tequila.
With a laugh that sounded like a sigh, Bailey leaned forward for a better view of Hayden. “How the hell would I know?”
“He practically lives with you and Lane.”
“Oh, well…” She thought about it for a moment, her eyes never meeting mine. “I’ve seen him with one or two, but I couldn’t tell you much about them, or him.”
“Why?”
“He’s quiet. If he is talking, it’s about racing. He certainly doesn’t talk about his feelings. I’ve asked Lane what his deal is before, and he doesn’t say much about it either.”
I knew that, too, because even if Lane knew anything about how Rager felt, he wasn’t about to tell anyone.
Abigale had been watching most of the morning, listening closely to what we were saying, and I knew then I needed to be careful around her. She knew what we were saying to a certain extent. Five-year-olds weren’t dumb.
Abigale came over to me, her hands on her hips. “I’m going to marry Rager.”
Was she going to fight me for him? It appeared that way looking at her, as cute as she looked.
And then she walked back over and sat down beside Gray, her arms crossed over her chest. In an entertaining gesture, Gray cocked her head at Abigale curiously, like she didn’t understand what that was.
When the lady at Gray’s feet reached for the lotion to apply a small amount to her legs, Gray kicked her in the face.
Hayden jumped up from her chair and took the lotion away from the lady. “I wouldn’t do that if I was you. She’ll bite you if you put lotion on her.”
The lady held her bleeding nose. “Apparently.”
Hayden frowned at the blood. “I’m really sorry.”
Bailey nudged me. “See what I mean? I think boys are easier.”
I had nothing on that one because I grew up with Casten. I hated to tell Bailey her kid was a Riley. There was no hope for him.
THE DRIVE TO Tuscan wasn’t long, around seven hours after we stopped for gas and food. I rode over in my parents’ truck along with Gray, who didn’t talk to me the entire way, no matter how many times I tried to talk to her.
Gray was like me at fourteen, which made me laugh because she wasn’t even four yet, but had the Riley attitude down completely.
Although, when I had Skittles and handed her a couple, Gray at least smiled at me.
Jessie sent me a text message telling me that Easton wouldn’t be at the house this weekend and was flying to LA for a commercial and then to New York and back to Vegas. I wasn’t in Vegas any longer, but I said nothing more to her, not knowing what Easton had told her. More than likely he hadn’t told her anything about the divorce.
When we arrived in Tuscan, it was busy after the pits opened. Some have this theory that racing is laid back. It’s not. At least not in my experience. Sure, there was downtime here and there, but nothing like the average race fan imagines.
That night, I was in charge of getting all the registration forms together for the drivers. Rager handed me his entry form, but said nothing.
“So you’re not talking to me?” I asked, wanting to wad up his entry form and throw it back at his face.
Rager shrugged. I had the urge to take weights and weigh down his shoulders so he couldn’t fucking shrug anymore, because that was all I saw these days.
But then again, what did he get from me these day beside eye rolls?
Probably not much different.
Coming into the Tuscan race, there seemed to be a lot of hostility between the drivers. The tension in the pits these days was unreal.
Even in hot laps they were getting chipy with one another and not giving any room. By the time the heat races were underway, Shane was already done for the night when Rager gave no room on a slide job he pulled on him and Shane tagged the wall. His front axle was bent back and his right front tire was junk. That could have been repaired, but then his car caught on fire.
He was okay, but what surprised me was Rager never did go and check on him.
Rager didn’t like Shane, not very much at least, and usually kept his distance from him. After Lily and Shane in the hauler, Rager kept his distance even more so. He wouldn’t even talk to him.
I bet it was hard for Shane knowing he’d basically been shut out from everyone over one night.
Racing was a tight community.
Part of me felt horrible for Shane because he knew what he’d done was wrong, but there wasn’t much he could do about it now. He tried many times to apologize to Axel, but if Shane walked his direction, Axel walked the other way. Blatantly.
Casten nodded to Axel when I was standing around his pit, watching Axel and Dad talk, but couldn’t hear what they were saying. “Heard you two got into it the other day.”
“Yeah, couple weeks ago.” Blinking, I turned to Casten. “He implied I was a slut.”
Casten’s brow raised, his hand running over his sweat soaked hair, his cheeks pink from the sun. “He punched me in the face.”
“He punched Dad, too.”
Leaning back against the rear
tire of his car, Casten crossed his arms over his chest, his head hung down. “Wow, I’m surprised he’s still alive.”
“No doubt.” Watching Dad and Axel interacting, you could tell there was tension given everything that was happening, but still, Dad never gave up on anyone.
We both knew the reason why. Everyone sympathized with Axel right now. We didn’t agree with what he was saying or doing, but we still understood where he was coming from.
The horn sounded for the top qualifiers to head to the track for the pill draw.
“I need to get down track-side for the interviews,” I told Casten, reaching for my radio I’d set down on the cooler.
Jerry had me doing so much around here, even pre-race interviews when they decided Hayden couldn’t do those anymore after she said fuck too many times to the drivers with the microphone in hand.
As I started walking, Rager gave a nod to the four-wheeler parked beside his hauler. “I’ll give you a ride.”
Rolling my eyes, I threw my leg over the side and straddled the seat behind him. “You already did, kind of,” I breathed, in his ear as I wrapped my arms around his stomach. His muscles clenched, the beating of his heart felt even in his stomach.
“No, I didn’t,” he said, twisting his head around to look at me.
“You got me off though. That’s more than most can do.” Immediately I wanted to take back those words.
Reaching forward, he pressed the button on the four-wheeler, the vibration between my legs felt throughout, my body tensing. Scooting closer, my legs tightened around his.
Revving the four stroke under me, Rager turned to look at me once more as his foot hit the clutch and threw the machine into reverse. “Figures your boy couldn’t finish the race.”
Turning back around, he said nothing more, leaving me with those words. It was true. Easton did leave me hanging quite often when it came to sex. It had been one-sided for a while. And since last fall, the only orgasm I’d reached was on Rager’s lap.
“Can he get you off like I can?”
