by Shey Stahl
His gaze was provoking. He could make me burn inside and wish I were nothing but smoke to fill his lungs. And when he inhaled, I’d only wish I could be that tickle in his throat he couldn’t ignore, a reminder of the impact he left on me.
“What would he do if I kissed you right now? Just to prove you’re mine?”
My eyes closed, tears swallowed instead of released. “Don’t.”
His inhale came from deep within, reaching for a beer behind me. His chest brushed against mine, the heat of his breath burning me.
“He touches you again, and I’ll fuckin’ kill him.”
More than likely, the threat held some ground.
I WENT ALONG with it all, the dinner, the laughs, all of it. Rager’s words surrounded me, suffocated any other thought from forming. Around eleven, I walked up to Easton.
“I’m heading out,” I said, my eyes on Rager, only he wasn’t looking at me.
He was waiting on Easton’s reaction to it.
Easton looked at me, turning slowly and grinning just as slow. “I’ll be there in a second.”
What for? I thought to myself.
Was he trying to rub it into Rager that we were still technically married? Knowing Easton these last few months, he was.
Rager’s jaw clenched, his body tensing when Easton stood and shook his head. It was everything in his power not to stand and knock him out. “See ya next year, man.”
Rager nodded, reaching out to shake his hand. For a moment, it was a battle between them, but gone just as briefly.
I snuck a quick glance at Rager as Easton led me away, and I wished I hadn’t. The look crumbled me. Made me wish I had never come over here and certainly hadn’t agreed to this. I didn’t want to cause him any pain. We were over that.
Easton took me back to the house without saying anything to me. Nothing. We didn't touch, his eyes on the road, one hand on the steering wheel, other one propped against the window.
“The money from the settlement is in your account now,” he finally said, still not meeting my eyes.
I said nothing.
Should I say thank you? Is there any reason to thank him at this point?
This shit talking asshole hadn’t made anything easy these last few months.
“I just need to grab a few things, and then I'll get the rest of my stuff when I get back from New York.”
This time I nodded, my eyes focused ahead of me on the house and the garage lights that casted a soft glow over the driveway. A thick layer of fog hovered in the air, making the night seem eerie in a sense. It was to me because here I was, in the car with Easton.
He sighed, frustrated when I didn’t say anything to him. “I let the lawyers know the house in Charlotte sold. We’ll split the money from the sale. I found another house.”
Nodding again, I got out of the car and headed to the house with my keys in hand. When I was fumbling with the door handle, Easton approached me. “Say something.”
“What?”
“Say something. Anything.” Turning to face him, I saw tears in his eyes, threatening to take over. “This is basically it, Arie. Eight years with me and you’re not going to say anything?”
Is he really that sad over this?
“What am I supposed to say?” My voice cracked around the words, emotion welling up. “I think over the last few months, you’ve said enough for the both of us, yes?”
He shrugged, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Act like you care.”
“I do care.”
“But not enough to stop me?”
“From doing what?” I gasped. “You slept with another woman while we were married, Easton. You asked for a divorce. You filed for divorce. I don’t think I had a say in any of this.”
Nodding, his eyes on the ground and then met mine, slowly. “Goodbye, Arie.”
“Bye, Easton.”
When he was gone and pulling out of the driveway, I sent Rager a message letting him know where I was.
He came by fifteen minutes later, having parked his truck at Lane’s house and walked through the bushes so no one would see him.
The moment he was inside the house, his mouth was on mine, possessiveness radiating in his every touch.
“It was everything I could do to let him walk away with you,” he growled, lips parting over mine, my pulse speeding.
The control he had, which he was now letting go of, made sense. I let him because I understood what he was doing. He wanted that reassurance that I wasn’t going anywhere, despite the situation we were in.
Five more weeks, I told myself. Five weeks and this would be over.
My head tipped back against the couch, Rager’s body gently on mine as his hands cradled the back of my head, his mouth hot and heavy on exposed skin, entering me with a low groan. “I loved you first…” I told him, hoping those particular words gave him the sense of relief he needed.
“I love you always,” he breathed, a low groan coming from deep within his chest.
He did, and I knew that he always would. Finally, we were that much closer to putting this behind us and moving on as one, always.
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ONLY ONE MORE week.
Just a week.
You can do this. It’s just a week.
My problem was the strain of everything was not only wearing on me emotionally, not being able to publicly show my love for Rager, but that he was the father. I felt like there was this cloud hovering over us. A looming secret.
And I was afraid that when it was out, people would see Easton and I lied.
And Rager was innocent.
All of that wore on me, made me second-guess all this and my mom noticed.
“I just want to make you my wife,” Casten pleaded with Hayden, drawing me from my thoughts.
“No.” Hayden yanked on his shoulders trying to get him off the ground. “And get off the floor.”
“Why?” Casten looked confused and, honestly, a little hurt. He really wanted to make Hayden his wife, and she constantly turned him down. You’d think it would be the other way around.
“Because. You knocked me up again, asshole. And I won’t marry you while I’m pregnant because I’m not in my right mind.” Hayden rolled her eyes. “Hormones have made me crazy.”
I knew the feeling. Bailey, Hayden, and I had become really good friends lately, and me being one who never had a best friend besides Lexi growing up, it was really nice to have these two around since Lexi wasn’t around much.
Mom, seated next to me at the kitchen island, looked at me and smiled. “I’m so excited. More babies!”
Flashing a fake smile, I think Mom knew something was wrong with me. “That’s great for them.”
Gray, who was sitting on Mom’s lap, frowned at everyone’s excitement; she probably knew that soon she wouldn’t always be the center of attention for her parents.
“Race?” she asked, to anyone who would listen.
For Christmas, Casten and Hayden had purchased a quarter midget for Gray. Though she had another year before she could race, it was always good to get them started soon and comfortable in the car.
Having been outside most of the morning smoking a prime rib for dinner, Dad walked into the kitchen, placing the towel in his hands on the counter. Walking by Gray, he ruffled her hair and then picked her up in her red Christmas dress that was half in her tights, half out from where she tried to go to the bathroom by herself.
“What are they talking about in there?” Dad asked, nodding to the family room where Casten was hugging a not excited Hayden.
“Hayden’s pregnant.”
Dad smiled and looked at Gray. “Are you going to be a big sister?”
Gray rolled her eyes, her attention diverted for a half
a second when Savannah, Axel and Lily’s daughter, shrieked out a cry.
Gray turned back to Dad, hands on her tiny hips, and then pushing her dark brown locks from her face with an exaggerated sigh. “Race!”
“She’s so single-minded.” Dad laughed, taking her by the hand outside with him.
Casten came over to us just after Dad and Gray disappeared, drink in hand and mauling me into a one-armed hug. “I knocked Hayden up.”
Rolling my eyes, I pushed him away, too hot, too cranky to be touched right then. “Good for you.”
Jonah rushed by, chasing Abigale and Sawyer through the family room and high-fived Casten on the way by. “Nice job, Uncle Casten. Your balls work great.”
Casten grinned, facing Mom with that boyish smile, knowing she wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face at the ongoing joke between Casten and his nephews about balls getting girls pregnant.
“Where’s E?” Mom touched my arm, looking around the room.
“He left.” My stare landed on Rager who was seated next to Abigale, who kept giving me the look that said, stay away from my man. In that moment, I couldn’t look away from Rager. Something in his eyes, an emotion I couldn’t place, was present.
What is he thinking right now?
Rager watched me out of the corner of his eye, and when he knew I was looking at him, he smiled tightly, like he wanted to come over, wrap his arms around me, kiss me, and give me something. The fact that he couldn’t pinched, hurt too much that this could be different, if I just spoke up.
What was really the harm in telling my family sooner, and having the ability to spend Christmas in happiness, not denial?
“He didn’t want to stay for dinner?” Mom asked, looking concerned.
It was only one more week before the public knew, and I wanted to tell my family first. Rager knew that. We talked about it this morning. Maybe that was why I felt so strange today and had so much anxiety over this.
“No.” Drawing in a deep breath, I turned to face Mom. “We…”
How the hell do I even say this?
“Easton and I are getting a divorce,” I all but blurted out to my mom, who was standing there staring at me with a blank face. My stare shot to Rager in the distance, watching me over his beer.
As soon as my words were out, a deep breath and a sigh followed, relief in a sense washed over me.
“But you’re pregnant with twins…” Mom pointed out, not understanding what it was I was getting at. I knew the distance between Easton and I was obvious, but I had forgotten how long I’d kept up with this lie. A year. I’d kept this up for an entire year.
Realization came over Mom’s face quickly. “They’re not his…are they?”
I shook my head, feeling the tears welling up, eyes darting to Rager who was now standing. “No, they’re not.”
I wasn’t sure how many people heard me, but apparently everyone in the house had because Willie stood from beside Tommy, his fists raised over his head. “Man, I just won a hundred bucks.” Smiling ear to ear, he bumped Casten’s shoulder. “Pay up, dude. I was right all along.”
I don’t think anyone knew what to do right then, shocked by my admission or the fact that Rager was standing just feet from me, face to face with my dad. “What’s going on?”
Rager swallowed, his gaze darting to me, and then my dad. “Arie and Easton are divorced. Or getting divorced.”
Dad’s head turned to me, brow drawn together. “Saw that coming.” And then he gestured to the counter where the prime rib was. “Dinner’s ready.”
Not sure what to make of everyone’s reaction, so calm, so…unlike what I expected, I made my way over to Dad when he was standing by himself, drinking. “You’re not mad?”
“Why would I be? Just because you’re getting a divorce doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, honey. So you married the wrong guy, big deal. You’re human; we make mistakes.”
I KNEW MOM was curious about what went down with Easton. Everyone was. It wasn’t long after dinner and she wanted to talk, and I was open to talking to her because I’d waited so long that I felt like I needed to at that point.
Rager had gone out back with my dad, I assumed maybe talking to him while I remained in the kitchen doing dishes with Mom and Rosa.
“When did he ask for the divorce? Or did you?” Mom inquired, taking a plate from the sink and setting it inside the dishwasher.
“He cheated on me.” And then I remembered, I should have probably started from the beginning on that part. “Well first, remember when we went to the house in Jacksonville for New Years?”
Mom nodded, scraping off plates and then setting them in the dishwasher beside me. When she stood back up, she paused, hands soapy and wet, waiting for me.
If anyone could understand any of this, it was my mother.
I’d forgotten about her love story, and how similar it’d been to mine and Rager’s. Dad grew up around racing, as did Mom. They were best friends all through growing up and when my dad set out to make something of his career, Mom was right there beside him. One night after he started racing in the Cup series, his rookie season, they slept together. That started a secret love affair for months and she wound up pregnant. Sound familiar?
Yeah, so, I’d just basically lived out pieces of my mother’s life. Now add in a husband, a divorce and another baby.
That was my life.
“Easton asked for a divorce when we were on the beach. Said he didn’t want to be married anymore. So we filed for legal separation in February this last year. He’s basically been either living in his motor coach or with her.”
“Her who?” Rosa asked, joining the conversation.
“Genevieve. His girlfriend. Apparently, he slept with her back in September of last year, and then again in November. He was cheating on me.”
Mom covered her mouth with her soapy hand. “No fucking way.”
“Yes fucking way.” Laughing at the soap now in her mouth, I handed her the towel next to me. “Douchy huh?”
“A little bit.”
Rosa leaned forward, sprawling across the granite counter with her head propped up by her hand. “So when did you sleep with the bad boy?”
“Why does everyone call him that?” I laughed sticking my hands back in the water to clean the cups.
“Because he is one,” Mom and Rosa both answered.
The two of them stared at me, waiting. They were like Bailey and Hayden when it came to their obsession. “In June.”
Rosa seemed to be imagining it when Rager walked in with my dad, both seeming to be in good spirits and not fighting, so that was good.
Giving a nod to the door, I looked at Rager. “Ready to head out?”
Shoving his hands in his pockets, intently focused on the floor as he nodded, his thoughts deep.
We went back to my house that night, Rager pacing the floor in the kitchen when he sat me up on the counter. “I need to do something.” His eyes dropped to my left hand. “Or rather, I need you to do something.”
“Anything,” I breathed, kissing the side of his face.
His hands moved slowly to my left hand and the ring still on it. “Take this off.”
I finally could, without feeling like someone would notice.
I thought maybe I might have some kind of reaction to doing it, too, but I didn’t.
Slipping the ring off, Rager smiled when I set it on the counter, his lips finding mine. “Someday, I’m going to place a ring on that finger and it’s going to stay there forever.”
THE DAY CAME when Easton was moving out, which happened to be the day before New Year’s Eve because it was the only free time he had.
I never planned on being there, but I wasn’t feeling well that morning and stayed on the couch most of the day while Rager had a meeting with Solar Seals.
Easton showed up with Brody and his truck. We said little as I was out on the patio, wrapped in a blanket, watching television and trying to keep myself busy.
It was an
hour later when I heard him say, “I’ll meet you outside, man.”
My heart started to race as I heard his weighted steps and the sound of his shoes hitting the patio. Here it came. The final goodbye.
He sat down beside me, his elbows on his knees. His shoulder bumped mine. “I guess I’ll see ya around. Take care of yourself.”
It was probably the most civilized thing we’d said to one another in the last year.
I nodded, tears immediately flowing. Not only was I emotional, but no one ever planned on their marriage failing, and for a while, and even still, I felt to blame for some of it.
I swallowed, and then gasped, my hands shaking as I turned and wrapped my arms around his neck.
“Goodbye, Easton,” I sobbed, my tears soaking his skin. Thousands of memories began flashing in my head, thousands of memories I ruined.
“Hey, come on,” he drew back, cupping my cheek, “don’t cry.”
I could feel the moment his body gave into mine and sat me on his lap. Our embrace was tight, both of us clinging to this last memory where we said our goodbyes. I also felt when the emotion took over for him, the shake in his chest and the strangled gasp when his head buried in my hair as he too cried.
“I’m sorry.” He rasped, the words meaningful for once.
But what was he sorry for? All of it? Cheating on me? Me turning to another man? The hurtful words he said to me over the last year?
I didn’t ask why he was sorry, because at that point, it didn’t matter. I wasn’t sure he even knew why, just that he was.
No one wanted their marriage to fail. Especially not a girl like me, one who feared failure. I also never wanted to hurt Easton, and I did. We hurt each other.
“I’ll never stop loving you, Arie,” he choked out, drawing back to look at me. His hands moved from around me to cradle my face, his eyes shifting from my eyes to my mouth. Gently, he leaned in and placed a kiss on my cheek, not my lips. It lingered, giving me hope that he would see I had nothing but love for him too; it was just different now.
His tears wet his flushed cheeks, his eyes so beautiful. “God…I wanted this to work.”
My chin shook. “I did too.” Not now, obviously, but there was a time when I did.
