by Shey Stahl
I drilled the pen into Casten’s leg when I sat down in the wheelchair provided to me.
In an exaggerated motion, he collapsed to the ground. Everyone around looked at me as if I should be going to the mental ward as opposed to the maternity ward. But I was sure—had they spent any amount of time with my brother—they’d think otherwise. Surely.
When they had me in a room, Bailey and Hayden disappeared with the kids. Apparently, since I stabbed Casten, they were afraid for the children’s safety. Like I’d hurt an innocent child.
They told you to focus on an object, something to divert the pain. Which, I say was bullshit because nothing took this pain away. It also didn’t help that I had Rosa in my ear breathing like Darth Vader. “Will you stop wheezing in my fucking ear?”
“I have asthma,” Rosa replied, looking offended.
“It sounds like a goddamn death rattle.”
Rosa leveled Casten a look. “Do you have that pen?”
“Yeah, it’s in my fuckin’ leg.” He gestured to his thigh with wide eyes. “You want it?”
“You two are the worst people to have in the delivery room with you! The worst!”
“You would think she would be grateful,” Casten looked at Rosa, and then me, “since we drove her fat ass here.”
With each passing minute, the pain was worse. It was similar to menstrual cramps only a hundred times worse. My back hurt, my stomach hurt, I felt like I needed to pee and I was feeling like any minute I would throw up. Part of me wanted to, on Casten.
“Where is RAGER?”
“He’s on his way.” Casten covered his ears and backed away from the bed. “But after seeing you like this, I feel the need to warn him.”
“About what?”
“That maybe he should stay at the hotel.”
The doctor came in with a smile. Stupid fuck. How could he smile at a time like this?
Sitting next to me on the bed, his hand reached out to touch my shoulder. I didn’t want to be touched and gave him a look like I was going to bite his hand off. “Have we decided if we’re doing a natural birth or would you like an epidural?”
“A natural birth is better,” Casten noted smugly before I had a chance to say anything.
“Fuck you.” I turned to the doctor. “Load me up.”
Truthfully, my imagination of being in labor and having the babies was probably a little more detailed than it needed to be. I thought for sure nothing down there would ever be the same again.
“Your boy’s here,” Casten said as he entered the room after sneaking away for food and stuffing a Cheeto in his mouth.
Rager entered the room, his smile dipped and turned. “Hey.”
“Hey,” I panted out when his eyes flashed with an emotion I didn’t know.
I didn’t know it because he’d never seen me like this, about to give birth to his babies. A part of the two of us together.
This was all new to us.
The look on his face reminded me of the first time he kissed me in between his hauler and the shadows that wrapped around us. The nervousness in his touch, the pride in his chest, and the gentleness of his tongue.
Rager always had this style about him, on the edge and out of control.
And while he was always that, right now, I only saw a man holding onto the fragile edge of hope that everything was going to turn out right.
My sincerity toward him changed when the strongest contraction yet, hit me.
Doubled over in pain, he rubbed my back sitting with me on the bed. “Just breathe, baby.”
“Don’t baby me. Fuck you.” I glowered at him, barely able to keep from crying. “This is awful.”
His fucking shoulders shook with laughter. I made a vow right then, because he laughed at me, I’d never give him ass. Ever. Jerk.
Front Wing - Without a front wing, sprint cars would be very light in the front end and hard to control. A typical front wing is six square feet and most rules stipulate that it must be mounted behind the front nerf bar and not be wider than the width of the front tires.
PLACED IN MY arms were two screaming kids, eyes squeezed shut and pissed at the world they were now in. I looked at Arie and then the babies again, not sure whether to hug the shit out of her or cry. Either one was a possibility. I felt the sting in my eyes the moment they were delivered and her gasp as she saw them.
Would I cry?
Last time I cried was in the pits of Cottage Grove when I knew Jack wasn’t going to make it. In complete shock, I had no other reaction but to cry that night.
Now was completely different kind of tears.
Joy, I suppose.
My body shook, barely able to handle them, and then the nurse beside me took them to the table surrounded by other nurses. I wasn’t sure what to think besides they made a lot of noise together. And then, with hushed tones I didn’t know I was capable of, I soothed them with my voice.
“There, there, little ones.” Placing my hands on their tummies, I gently shook them as the doctors worked around them making sure they were breathing okay. I looked back at Arie, her hands sweeping tears away only to have more. She was at the point she couldn’t stop them.
“They like the sound of your voice,” a nurse to my left said, smiling at me.
They knew me already?
Well of course they did. For the last month, I’d done nothing but talk to them. Any chance I had, my hands were on Arie’s belly, trying to feel them moving and fretting over her every move.
The boy was tiny, weighing four pounds one ounce, and the girl was slightly bigger at four pounds ten ounces. The thought made me laugh. Four-ten, the size of a sprint car engine.
Nurses fussed over them for a few minutes, but it appeared they were healthy. They were moving around, arms over their head, legs squirming, pink skin…looked normal to me.
Right away I noticed the thick black hair they both had, though the boy seemed to have darker hair, almost jet black like mine, and the girl had lighter, but still looked dark.
When the nurses were finished, they handed the babies back to me, one in each arm carefully, wrapped tightly in white blankets. Now I was happy Arie had kicked everyone out for the delivery. I wanted these moments with her alone.
Fuck, don’t drop them.
“Are they okay?” Arie asked, peeking up at them before I laid them both in her arms.
“They’re fine.”
She stared at them, her tears never slowing. “They’re not crying.”
“That’s because they love you,” I replied, leaning down to kiss her damp temple.
Her breath caught in her throat, carefully taking in me holding our children.
I knew the feeling.
“What should we name them?” I asked, coming closer to the side of the bed where Arie was laying, face flushed and crying.
Jesus, she’s fucking beautiful.
We talked about names a lot. Arie was very much set on Bristol Marie for the girl. Marie was her middle name, along with her mothers, and she wanted her daughter to have that same name. We spoke briefly about boy’s names and went back and forth between Duncan, which was my middle name and my dad’s first name, or Pace, and the middle name Anthony after Jack and Jameson.
I didn’t care either way, but I liked the way Pace sounded. Both Arie and I had unique names, and I wanted our kids to as well.
She held them close, kissing their foreheads and then smiled. “How about Pace and Bristol?”
“Okay,” I took one of the babies in my arms, cradling them to my chest. “Should we name you Bristol?”
Arie laughed, shaking her head. “Uh, that’s the boy.”
Not sure, I drew the blanket back and checked the diaper. “Yep, all boy.”
“So Bristol Marie for the girl and Pace Anthony for the boy?”
“I like that.” I nodded, watching the little guy in my arms, fascinated by his every move.
Pace was small, but had a lot of attitude. Stretching his tiny body, his fist
flailed around when I picked him up, holding him to my chest. “He’s active.”
Arie snorted. “Tell me about it.”
Looking at them now, closer than before, I noticed they weren’t identical twins, but they looked pretty similar to me. Enough that I was confused. “I think we need to mark them somehow. It’s confusing.”
Arie brushed her fingertips over Bristol’s cheek. She was making the sweetest sounds imaginable. Soft whimpers and cuddling in closer to her mama.
“They’re not identical.” Tapping Bristol’s cheek where she had a tiny reddened mark, like a cherry kiss. It hit me right then, Arie was the mother to my kids.
Bristol squirmed in her arms while Pace was now out completely, relaxed and heavy in my arms. “I can’t believe we have two kids.”
The idea that we had a family now, and we weren’t married, gave me a bit of anxiety, wishing it wasn’t that way. I wished I’d done right by her from the beginning. Deep down, I knew from now on Arie would be with me every step of the way.
Arie’s eyes lifted from Bristol to mine, shy courage building in them before she said, “You’re stuck with us now, Rager Duncan Sweet. You’ll never get rid of us.” The gentle, tender sound that eased past her lips clung to my heart, gave me hope she’d always feel the same.
Smiling, I winked at her. Glistening skin over her sun freckles, which I wanted to kiss, helplessly had me falling for her all over again. She was pure, totally fucking pure in her own ways, and goddamn if I didn’t love her more now than ever.
With my eyes locked on hers, I whispered, “I’m never letting go.”
“Thanks for not freaking out,” she breathed against my lips when I leaned in for a kiss.
What would make her think that?
Drawing back, I held Pace in one arm to brush my fingers over Arie’s cheek. “I’m not going anywhere.”
When our families were allowed in, there wasn’t much alone time that followed. But it did get me thinking on what had changed.
I once said I didn’t know what it felt like to kiss someone in love, but I knew that feeling now. After I experienced that, it became one I knew I couldn’t live without. The trust that followed giving your heart was more than I ever imagined.
I once said I didn’t know what it felt like to see my mother’s eyes light up seeing her only son in love. I knew that feeling now. I saw that unconditional love on her face the moment she looked at her grandchildren, so instant, so strong, so overwhelming, as she held them close to her.
I knew the rush, winning, racing… but I also knew what it felt like to hold my son for the first time and that sense of pride that washed over me knowing he was going to do great things, inspire people to be good and see good in others.
I knew what it felt like to hold my daughter in my arms for the first time and the anxiety that flowed through my veins. Her sweetness, her precious face, the nervousness that I felt about being the first man she had to look up to. The first man to love her.
And then I looked at Arie, my girl, holding my kids, and I remembered my promise to her in Williams Grove.
“I’ll never lift when it comes to you.”
It was the best promise I’d ever made.
I had one more promise that I would make now, for myself. Their love, all of them, would be safe with me.
End Play – The mount of axial displacement resulting from the application of a load equal to the stated maximum axial load.
WE WERE PREPARED when we left for Florida last week. Brought everything we needed for the babies. Despite not being due for another month, something told me to bring all that stuff.
Glad I did.
My mom was a huge help as was Rosa who’d taken on the role of being the babies’ nanny. We were able to stay in Florida for the DIRTCar Nationals the very next week.
For being a few weeks early, the twins were healthy. Turned out I took good care of the little squirts while they were in there. Pace was smaller than Bristol and stayed in the special care nursery for an extra day, but then he was able to leave with us.
It was strange when we took them out of the hospital; we had kids now.
At the track, Rager wasn’t exactly excited to have the kids in the pits, but we stayed in the motor home most of the time anyways. For the first few months, I figured I’d keep them away from all the dirt and fumes. After that it was fair game.
Rosa was a great nanny. Couldn’t change a diaper to save her life, but she managed to keep them both out of harm’s way and to let me know when my tit was needed, as she put it.
Pace and Bristol had very different personalities. While Pace was active, demanded attention and his needs to be met right away, Bristol was relaxed, went along with everything and looked at her brother like, what’s the hurry?
They both resembled Rager as far as I was concerned, but everyone loved to argue that Pace looked a lot like I did when I was a baby. I wouldn’t argue that too much. He was freaking cute as hell. From what I could tell, they were going to have Rager’s exact eye color, same distinct cute chin I loved so much, and black hair.
Saturday night, the last day of nationals, I snuck out of the motor home and into the pits to check on Rager and the boys and to see what the line-up was looking like for the feature.
The babies were both asleep when I stepped out of the motor home, snuggled up together like they loved to sleep. Emma had told me twins had a special bond. If you saw Charlie and Noah now, her twins, you would have never known they had any kind of bond.
The boys were standing around talking, and I could see Rager inside his hauler messing around with tools and cussing.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, standing next to Casten.
He smiled, shrugging, watching Rager with curiosity. The night was cool and I was thankful I put on a hoodie and jeans as opposed to the shorts I had been wearing all day. I had gained twenty-five pounds when I was pregnant, which I prided myself on not gaining too much, but it was a struggle to get into these jeans.
I felt great for just giving birth a week earlier. I wouldn’t go out and say I wanted to have another one right away, but it wasn’t as bad as my mind made it out to seem.
Casten might disagree with you. Mostly because of the pen incident.
Chuckling to my left drew my attention toward my dad, who was watching Rager rummaging around inside the hauler, still.
“Where ya going with that shovel, Rager?” Easily, with the slowness he had about his movements when relaxed, Dad leaned against his car, arms crossed over his chest, finding entertainment in Rager’s temper tantrum for the track conditions.
“There’s a fuckin’ speed bump in three and four.”
“No way,” he laughed, knowing there was. They’d all been jumping over it all night and tearing up the cars. Axel and Tommy—who were in the process of replacing shocks—were proof of that.
Spinning around to face us, he held the shovel up, a set scowl on his face. “You think I’d joke about that?”
As Rager took off toward the track, Tommy stood from his place in the dirt, broken shock in hand and regarded my dad with a shove to his shoulder. “Remember Republic?” Tommy asked, nudging my dad.
“I try not to,” he mumbled, watching Rager fill in the hole. Republic, from what I’d heard over the years, was a sketchy track with horrible conditions my dad raced at when he was younger.
Beside us, Willie and Dave were replacing the engine in Casten’s car. And arguing. As usual.
“You know,” Willie began, conversationally peeking over the cherry picker. “I could drop this engine on your head. Everyone would be like, where’s Dave? And I’d be like, dude, last time I saw him he was under the engine. Shame really, miss the crazy bastard already.”
Dropping the wrench in his hand, Dave stood up dramatically. “When are you going to get over the fact that your wife left you and it wasn’t because of me?”
Glaring, Willie shoved Dave. “Maybe when I remarry.”
“All right,
that’s enough.” Dad placed himself between the two of them. “Don’t start fighting now.”
Rager came back ten minutes later, shovel over his shoulder and his eyes casted down. When he reached the pit and set the shovel down, he finally looked up to see I was there.
I would never tire of the looks he gave me these days. They said so much when words didn’t.
Stepping forward, he stood before me, hat low, creating a shadow on his face. His eyes were bright, focusing on mine and then my lips. Reaching up, I touched his scruffy cheek.
“Doing some maintenance?”
He winked, knowing the duel meaning behind that. “Where are the babies?”
“In the motor home sleeping.” I showed him my phone where I had a live feed of them on their monitor. “Rosa’s with them.”
Sighing, he watched them. Not only did I enjoy staring at them myself, seeing Rager content with watching them sleep gave my heart a tug too.
Kissing my temple, his warmth pressed to my side. “Wish me luck. That track is brutal tonight.”
“Good luck.” My hands slipped over his shoulders and to his neck. Hugging me, he brought me off the ground about an inch and then pressed his lips to mine.
RAGER ENDED UP second in the feature with Axel winning. It was a great confidence booster for him heading into a new season and knowing he’d figured something out last year that stuck. Winning.
Most everyone was heading back to North Carolina tonight, but Rager and I didn’t want to rush anything now that we had the babies with us.
Hand in hand, we made our way back to the motor home to find Rosa asleep on the couch. We let her stay there and closed the bedroom door with the babies in there with us.
“Why are you locking it?” Rager asked when I locked the bedroom door.
Quirking an eyebrow at him, I checked on the babies who were sound asleep next to my side of the bed.
Yep. I had a side of the bed now. Greatest feeling ever.
“Rosa wants a naked picture of you,” I explained to him. “This is really for your safety.”
Laughing, he removed his t-shirt and tossed it across the bed for me and then pulled back the blankets. “Is that why she came inside the hauler when I was changing earlier with her cell phone?”
