by A L Crouch
“I love you so much baby girl. I am so sorry. I don’t know what’s happened to my mind,” she said. “I . . . I just get so confused . . .”
“I know Gram, it’s not your fault,” I sniffed.
Gram held me out at arm’s length in order to get a good look at me.
“Gram has missed you something awful! Good God in heaven, you’re all grown up now, and so beautiful. You look just like . . .” Gram trailed off and then stiffened.
I looked into Gram’s face, which was frozen in contemplation. I watched as her blank stare turned to a mask of fear and panic. She grabbed me by the shoulders and looked me square in the eyes.
“Listen to me now Alexandra,” she whispered urgently. “You can’t trust him. It’s all a lie! He wants you to trust him. He was there that night, all those years ago. You have to leave this place and never look back.”
I twisted in Gram’s tight grip, her fingers dug into my arms.
“What are you talking about Gram? Who was here?” My palms began to sweat as her words registered. “Do you know who killed Mom and Gary?”
Gram dropped her grip. The intensity of her face twisted into an expression of confusion and panic. She looked around her as if she were unsure of where she was.
“Gary? Something’s happened to Gary?” She cried and moved around me. “What are you talking about Tina?”
I caught the sob that rose up into my throat and forced it back down. She was gone. Lost again to an ocean of misplaced memories. I wiped at the tears which stained my eyes and cheeks and reached for Gram in order to lead her out of the cemetery. But it was too late. Gram had already seen Gary’s headstone.
“My boy? What happened to my boy?” she screamed collapsing to the ground.
I bent down to her, trying to calm her, but I didn’t know what to say. I tried to coax her into leaving with me, but she sat staring at the gravestone in a state of shock and grief.
“What happened to my boy?” she shouted over and over.
I looked helplessly towards the church and was relieved to see Sulley running towards us, Nadine close on his heels. When Sulley reached us, he stooped down to his mother and held her by the shoulders, whispering into her ear. Gram reluctantly stood and put her arms around him and allowed him to lead her away.
“Oh Sullivan, what happened? Why?”
“Sssshhhh, it’s okay Mom. It’s okay,” he whispered.
When they passed me he turned to look at me as Nadine reached me and put her arm around my shoulders.
“What the hell were you thinking?” he hissed.
“She . . . she remembered me. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry . . .” I said and burst into fresh tears against Nadine’s arms as he led Gram away.
Chapter 7
“I just don’t know what you were thinking.” Sulley shook his head and paced the kitchen floor. “I told you it was best to just go with it, just let her think what she wants.”
I sat at Sulley’s kitchen table, head hung, counting the number of times Sulley stepped on the squeaky floorboard. I felt awful, despicable even. Upsetting Gram was the last thing I had ever wanted to do. But I was also glad that it had happened. Did that make me a horrible person? I wasn’t sure. I had gotten my Gram back, if even for only a moment. For those few minutes, when I looked into that smile of recognition, the world felt right again. She told me that she loved me. I wouldn’t take that back for all the world.
“She wanted to go. She was fine. Uncle Sulley, she recognized me. She was fine,” I protested, knowing it was no use, but trying anyway.
“What did she say? Before she got upset?”
“She called me by my name -MY name. She told me that she loved me. Then she got all upset and started making no sense. That’s when she saw Gary’s grave.”
Nadine entered with a sigh.
“She is resting now,” she said and sat at the table across from me. “She should be just fine when she wakes up. No need to beat yourself up about it.”
“I still can’t believe this happened. I stopped to talk to someone for one second. . .” Sulley continued.
“Now don’t you let him make you feel worse than you already do,” Nadine said and patted my hand where it rested on the table. “It was my idea that Gram go with you in the first place. The blame is on me.”
“You don’t have to . . .” I started to say.
“Have to what?” Sulley asked sharply, shutting me up.
“No child, you listen here.” Nadine said. “I thought it would do you and Gram a lot of good going out there, and I think it did.”
“I think going out there did some good too,” I agreed and I held my chin high when Sulley gaped at me in shock.
“How can you say that? You saw how upset it made her!”
I sighed, not wanting to argue. I understood exactly why Sulley was so upset. I got it, I did. He was responsible for her, and he knew his days as caretaker of Gram were numbered. She was getting worse every day. How could he possibly understand how much that moment had meant to me while he had been losing her bit-by-bit in front of his very eyes for years?
“I saw how happy she was right before that,” Nadine said and looked into my eyes. “You can’t know true happiness if you have never experienced despair, and as I am always with that woman, I can tell you that she has been through her share of despair and grief. I know it seems cruel to say, but Gram lost her son a long time ago. She has already felt that pain before and somewhere in that beautiful mind she remembers that sorrow. What she NEEDED, was the joy of seeing her beautiful grandchild. And somewhere, she remembers that too.”
Tears welled up in my eyes as she spoke. I hoped to God she was right. I mouthed a thank you and she smiled.
“And even if it was only for a moment, that one moment of pure joy broke through years of sadness and loss. She carries that bit of joy with her now. So yes, I think it did you both a world of good.”
I looked over at Sulley who was examining his boot, frustration still evident on his face.
“Look Uncle Sulley, I know she got really upset, and for that I am so very sorry. But she remembered me. Somewhere in her mind she knows that I’m here for her. That can’t be a bad thing, right?”
Sulley leaned against the counter, defeated, and rubbed his eyes with a sigh. Nadine squeezed my hand and when I looked at her, she held my gaze.
“Now you listen to me Miss Alexandra. You take to heart every single thing your Gram said to you. Don’t you feel bad for a minute, you hear?”
I nodded, knowing that I would never forget my moment with Gram. I would cherish all of it, even the ominous warning she had given me before she was lost again to the past. “Don’t trust him,” she had said, “he was there that night.” But who was she talking about? Was she just ranting off some memory from her past? I wanted to ask Sulley about it, but I didn’t dare worry him anymore. I tucked the questions away when Sulley sighed.
“Look Kiddo, I really don’t want to argue with you. What’s done is done. We’ll just have to see how she is when she wakes up in the morning.”
Before he could say any more, his cell rang and he retrieved it from his pocket. Scowling at the number, he put the phone to his ear.
“Chief,” he answered. “Mmhmm. You’ve got to be kidding me. Again? Okay, I’ll hurry on up there now. Okay . . . meet you there in 15.”
“Is something wrong?” I asked.
Sulley went to the door and grabbed his coat.
“Oh, just Old Man Pinket shooting his shotgun at the Henley’s hounds again. I swear that old man is going to accidently kill someone trying to protect those damned chickens of his,” he said and then tuned to me.
“You want me to drop you off really quick? May not be a good idea for you to be here in case Gram wakes up. You know, until we know where she’s at.”
“No, I agree,” I said grabbing my coat, “but I think I want to walk. You need to hurry and I could use the fresh air. To clear my head.”
Sulley
looked concerned as he contemplated.
“It’s not that far,” I reassured him.
“You sure you’re feeling up to it?” he asked, motioning to the lump on my head.
I waved him off. “I’m sure. I’m fine, you go.”
“Okay, well I’ll be out for a while. Usually takes us a good hour to get that shotgun out of Mr. Pinket’s hands and even longer to calm the neighbors. If I don’t see you, I’ll swing by in the morning.”
“Sounds great. Uncle Sulley?” I called to him as he left the house. He poked his head back in.
“I’m sorry about Gram,” I said.
Sulley smiled at me. “I know Kiddo, me too. Everything is going to work out.”
I watched Sulley’s truck pull out of the driveway and went back inside to grab my purse. Nadine was waiting at the door.
“Thank you, for everything,” I said. “I really hope she’s going to be okay.”
“Don’t you worry about Gram now; that’s my job. You’ve got enough to worry about.”
Before I left I paused at the door and turned again to face Nadine. I had to ask.
“In church today . . . when you pointed out that psalm. How did you know?” I asked.
Nadine patted my cheek and grinned at me, the wisdom of the universe in her eyes.
“Sometimes you just know,” she said softly and motioned me out the door.
With a nod I turned to go. It was hard to leave Gram, but Sulley was right. It wouldn’t be good for Gram to see me right away. Better to let her mind settle into wherever it was comfortable. That’s what my sensible, sensitive side was saying. Selfishly, I wanted to make her remember me again. I wanted so much to be able to talk with her about the past and the things she had said. What was she so afraid of? I wanted to talk to her about the future and everything that was happening now. I wanted to talk with her about Donovan. She would understand it. She may even be able to help me understand it.
Donovan. My one good reason to want to go home. I longed to see him again, even if for just a moment, reflected in the antique mirror on the wall. I knew he was with me, I heard him so clearly in the cemetery. “Go,” he had said, and Gram had come back to me, even if for just a short while. I owed that moment to Donovan.
As I made my way home, I wished that I could make my mind accept his presence. Why was it so hard to allow myself to just believe? I remembered the psalm that Nadine had shown me. “For He will command His angels concerning you; to guard you in all your ways.” I had read it over and over. It was right there in black and white, and yet still so unbelievable.
As I turned down the gravel road the sun lay hidden behind the grey clouds that rolled in, making it even darker than usual. Adding to the eerie effect was the fact that the road was narrow and surrounded by dense wood on either side, and it was unnervingly quiet. I considered jogging the road to get to the end all the faster, but I didn’t want to risk the headache it was sure to cause. Deciding to walk it as quickly as I could, I chastised myself for how ridiculous I must look.
Lost in my thoughts, I was making fairy good time when I rounded the last curve. Soon I would be comfortably in my own neighborhood. As I maneuvered around some low-hanging foliage I saw a vehicle parked in the middle of the road ahead of me, brake lights glowing. I got closer, the small white truck and the rental plates giving me pause. Rick’s truck. Waving my hands, I started towards it in the hopes that he would see me and I could finally get a word with him.
As I got closer though, the engine revved, the tires spun in the gravel, and the truck took off, sending up dust and debris to hover above the road in a gray cloud.
“Rick, wait! Rick!” I yelled after him, but the truck sped off noisily down the last quarter mile of dirt road and then disappeared in the distance.
I stood staring, wondering if he had not heard me. Maybe it wasn’t Rick, I considered. Maybe I had stumbled upon a couple of teenagers in their favorite make-out spot or sneaking a smoke. Neither of those probabilities sat well with me though. I recognized those plates. It was beyond strange that Rick would speed off like that.
When I reached the end of the dirt road I took a deep breath, relieved. I scanned my street, but there was no trace of the white truck. Shrugging it off, I climbed my driveway and fetched the key from my purse and let myself in. I dropped my stuff in the entryway and went straight into the kitchen for something to eat. Grabbing a can of raviolis, I heated them up in a saucepan then went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine.
“I bit couldn’t hurt,” I sighed and poured myself a generous glass.
After dumping the dishes in the sink for later, I swigged the remainder of my wine. It was starting to numb the dull ache in my temples that formed during my walk home. I looked out the window above the sink and watched the sky grow steadily darker. Another storm was rolling in.
Man, I sure picked a great time to come back, I thought. I wished I would have considered storm season when deciding to make the trip. But I knew it wouldn’t have mattered at the time. My decision to get on the plane had been a hasty one at best. I had willed myself to make the trip before I lost the nerve to.
I went upstairs, this time turning off the downstairs lights. When I got to my room I held my breath and looked straight to the mirror, expectant. But Donovan was not there. With a heavy sigh, I collapsed on my bed, my head in my hands.
“I don’t know how to see you. I don’t know how to stop the doubts. I want more than anything to be able to hear your voice and thank you for today,” I whispered.
I looked up again, hoping that Donovan would appear in the reflection, but only my own disappointed face stared back at me. I cursed my weak faith and grabbed up my pajamas and went into the bathroom for another soothing shower. When I emerged dressed for bed and followed by a new cloud of steam, I again checked the mirror. When the steam started to form a fog, I squinted and searched the hazy glass for his dark figure. I stepped closer to the mirror and tripped over the box from the attic, spilling its contents all over the floor.
“Son of a . . .” I squealed, landing on the bed and rubbing my shin before bending down to gather up my mess. Something caught my eye. I plucked the yellowing envelope from where it sat wedged between the pages of my baby book. It had my name on it. For a minute I sat motionless and stared at my mother’s handwriting.
When I finally opened it, I found a hand-written letter. I hesitated, feeling the tears draw into my eyes before I even began to read. I blinked them back and steadied myself and then read.
My Dearest Alexandra,
Your due date was today. I guess you’re just too comfortable where you are to come out into the world just yet. I can’t wait to see you, my sweet one, and hold you in my arms. There are so many things I want for you. I was hoping to bring you into a loving, complete family, but it seems the Lord had other plans for us and I will trust Him.
I am very sorry about your father. I don’t think I’ll ever understand why he left in order to someday explain it to you. I guess it’s just one of those things you have to trust will work out for the best. As soon as we can, I promise, my angel, we are going to find a place to call our own; a safe place where we can start over and where we will be surrounded by wonderful people. You deserve that.
I want so much for you, baby girl. I want you to be happy and to grow up to be a woman of tremendous faith. That is my biggest prayer; for you to always see the good in things and to have faith in yourself and in God no matter what. Just remember, as I am remembering right now, that you don’t always have to understand the twists and turns in life, you just have to have faith that the journey will make you into who you were destined to become. You are meant for amazing things, I can feel it. I pray that the Lord always protect you and guide your steps in all that you do.
I love you so, so much my precious baby girl. I cannot wait to be able to tell you to your little face. This world will be so much more beautiful with you in it.
Love always,
; Mom
Tears dropped onto the paper as I held it shakily in front of me, staring at the words but not seeing them anymore. Mom wrote this letter just before I was born. She was in so much emotional pain when she wrote it, yet she was able to look past all of it. She wanted to find a place where we could be happy, a place where we could start over, a place to call our own. Saluda had been that place. The house, I thought with a heavy heart, had been the culmination of that dream.
I thought about Gram and Sulley and Gary and all the loving people of this small town and realized that Mom had found all of the things she was looking for, for me. Everything my mother had prayed about had come true, except for one thing. I wasn’t the great woman of faith that my mother had hoped I would be. It was her greatest wish and I had let her down.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be,” I sobbed and hugged the letter to my chest.
“Oh, but you are,” I heard his velvet voice say against my ear.
My head snapped up and I blinked the tears from my eyes. Donovan’s image was reflected in the mirror. He smiled at me encouragingly. I instinctively looked from the mirror to my side where he should be standing, but saw nothing there.
“No, I’m not,” I said looking back into the mirror at Donovan. “I’ve been trying all day to have enough faith, to believe enough to be able to see you, but I couldn’t.”
I watched through the mirror as Donovan sat on the bed beside me. He placed his hand over where mine rested on the letter.
“Then why am I here now? You heard me today in the cemetery. Why do you think that is?”
I could feel warmth, like I had never felt before, tingle the skin on my hand. The gentle strumming vibrated against me, soothing me.
“I don’t know,” I whispered.
“It’s because in that moment, just like now, you weren’t trying to see. Faith isn’t something you try for. It comes when you let go, when you stop trying to understand. You have great faith Alexandra, when you stop telling yourself that you don’t.”
