by A L Crouch
“What do you mean, ‘we’?”
When Donovan did not answer right away I took a step away from him, letting his arms fall. The sorrow on his face deepened and he had to collect himself before answering.
“My purpose has been fulfilled, Alexandra. I . . .”
“No!” I was suddenly furious, the brightness around me dimmed as if reflecting my sudden despair.
“You can’t leave me. You said you weren’t going anywhere. I need you!”
Donovan lowered his head. “It’s time for me to go Alexandra. It’s time for me to join the others. You don’t need me anymore. If I stay, I’ll only distract you from living a normal, happy life. Everything you need is with you in your heart. Your mother, Gary, Will . . . me. You’re going to live a long and wonderful life. I’ve served my purpose.”
I shook my head, trying to understand. “Is this because you couldn’t sense Sulley? That was my fault, you said!”
“No Alexandra . . .”
“Is it because you interfered to save me? Take it back! Damn it, take it back. I want to stay here with you. It’s okay if you didn’t save me. My purpose is to be here with you, and with Mom and Gary. Damn it, you can’t leave me.” I was hysterical, my voice raising to a fevered pitch. “You have been with me my whole life. My purpose is to be with you!”
Donovan grabbed me and pulled me close to him. I beat my hands against his chest and cried. He held me there firmly and I heard a sob escape his throat though he tried to stifle it. He held me close until the fight went out of me and I gave in to despair, sinking into his arms.
For the first time the strumming did not soothe me. It filled my ears with a faint, almost inaudible rhythm, which had slowed to almost nothing. I feared that this would be the last time I would hear it. He had been there my whole life, but a lifetime had not been enough, I realized as my heart broke and the tears ran out.
“I’m not strong enough to be without you,” I whimpered.
“You have never been as strong as you are now. You came to Him broken, in pieces. You trusted Him, and he has made you whole again. It’s time for you to step out and claim your life back. There is so much joy and happiness left for you to discover. Depend on Him and miracles can happen.”
I wiped my eyes and looked into his face. I committed every solid detail of it to my memory.
“I have no one left.”
“There is nothing that is lost, that cannot be restored,” Donovan smiled weakly.
In the far distance I heard a voice. At first the voice was too faint to make out. I turned to look into the expanse of light all around me. The voice got clearer as it called my name, beckoning to me. It was a familiar voice, full of love. I turned back to Donovan.
“Go Alexandra . . .” he whispered and took a step back.
I was torn between my desire to run towards the familiar voice and pleading for Donovan to stay for as long as possible, there with me. The voice grew louder and I turned towards it again. When I looked back, Donovan was walking into the luminous depth behind me. He turned to me and smiled, the tears in his eyes tearing at me.
“Alex . . . Alex, wake up.” the voice called to me and I hesitated, my eyes locked on Donovan.
“I have always loved you, Donovan,” I was finally able to say and I wished that I had said it sooner.
“For me, my time with you has been no longer than a few precious days, but I will love you for eternity, Alexandra,” Donovan whispered.
“Thank you again, for my life.”
“No,” he said gently, “thank you.”
And with those final words he walked on and let the vast brightness engulf him. I stood there, unmoving, willing my heart to beat on.
“Alex!” the voice pleaded. “Come back to me!”
I turned to the familiar voice, and taking a deep breath, walked away from the brightness towards it.
“Alex, wake up, dear. You have to wake up.”
When I opened my eyes I found myself once again blinking against the brightness of my surroundings. This time however, my eyes were being assaulted by the unnatural glare of fluorescent lighting. As my eyes adjusted I took in the marbled ceiling tiles and whitewashed walls and knew that I was in a hospital room.
“Alex honey!”
I turned toward the familiar voice, grimacing at the pain that pounded in my temple. The pain was forgotten the instant I came face to face with a smiling Gram who sat in a chair beside my bed. My eyes widened and I sat up, painfully, my eyes locked on Gram’s face.
“Gram,” I whispered, my throat raw.
The elderly woman giggled with relief and patted my hand.
“Oh praise God, you are alright. I was so worried . . . you’re so banged up.”
I looked down at myself, to the numerous bandages and bruises and to the I.V. struck in my arm. I felt like hell, but as I moved my arms and legs I noted that nothing seemed broken. I turned my attention back to Gram.
“You called me Alex. You recognize me?”
“Yes dear, everything is so much clearer to me now.”
I grabbed the small woman up into my arms and Gram squeezed me and clung to me. We both wept as we embraced one another.
“Gram, I’m so sorry about Sulley. I . . .” I tried to explain as I pulled away from Gram. How could I explain to her what had happened?
“Ssshhh, hush now. None of this was your fault, do you understand me?” Gram insisted, wiping her tears with a tissue that she held clutch in her hand. “If my mind would have been worth anything at all, I could have stopped him. This is my fault Alex.”
I wiped my own tears with the back of my hand. “What are you talking about Gram? You said something like this before, in the cemetery. You tried to warn me. Do you remember?”
“I don’t know what happened. So much of these last years have been so fuzzy,” Gram whispered.
“Sullivan wasn’t giving Gram her medication. He didn’t want her to remember what she saw that night. He knew that if he kept her mind confused, then even if she did say anything, no one would have given her a second thought.”
I looked up to see Nadine standing in the open doorway, a bouquet of white lilies in her hands. She came into the room and set the flowers on the table just inside the door and had a seat on a chair in the corner of the room.
“She’s as good as gold now though,” Nadine laughed. “Bugged the mess out of the nurses at the home until they finally agreed to let her come visit. You’d think she was never lost. It’s just a miracle.”
I looked from Nadine back to Gram. The spark was back in Gram’s eyes and she was now exactly how I remembered her growing up. I hugged her tightly and held her out at arm’s length.
“What did you see that night Gram, the night of the accident? Do you remember?”
Gram focused and looked off into the distance, seeing something I could not as she recalled that night.
“It was just before I got the call that there’d been an accident. I wasn’t expecting Gary to be home until quite late. He liked to stay with you and your mom for as long as possible, you know. I hated that he had to come stay with me even after the wedding, but he insisted. Well, I was in bed reading when I heard movement downstairs. I thought Gary had come home early and I wanted to ask him how your recital went. He was so excited for you when he left.”
I smiled and patted her hand as she went on.
“When I walked into the kitchen . . . Sullivan was standing by the back door. I was in shock. It took me a minute to realize it was him. He had been in Iraq for almost a year, but suddenly there he was, standing in the kitchen. He had the strangest look on his face when he saw me, like the look he gave me when he was younger and got caught with a hand in the cookie jar.” Gram turned to me and her voice lowered. “Then I noticed that his shirt was covered in blood. I . . . I asked him if he had been hurt. I was about to ask him what he was doing there, but he ran out the back door before I could. That’s when I got the phone call.”
Gram looked away. “Everything happened so quickly after that. I began to think that I hadn’t really seen him at all. And then when he showed up a couple of days later, he acted like he hadn’t seen me in a year, like he had just left Iraq. I was so confused. Alex dear, I’m sorry. I . . .I should have said something.”
“No Gram, none of this was your fault. He deceived us all. I am just so grateful that you are okay. I should have come home years ago. I should have helped care for you.”
Gram and I embraced again and cried together, over Sulley, over our lost years together, over it all. I finally had my Gram back, after all of these years, she was back. After a long moment Gram took hold of my shoulders and looked me in the face.
“Well we have one another now. I cannot believe just how beautiful and strong a woman you’ve turned out to be. I’ve missed you so much, my darling girl.
I smiled at her. “I can’t believe I have you back.”
Sadness washed over me when I remembered the other whom I’d lost. As happy as I was to have Gram back, how could I go on without Donovan? Was he really gone?
“Well hey, you’re awake,” a male voice called from the doorway.
I turned to see a tall, middle-aged doctor smiling at me.
“I must say, young lady, you have us all pretty stumped,” he said coming into the room and checking my pupils with his ophthalmoscope. “You are very lucky to be alive. You survived a major explosion with just some moderate bruising and a few scratches.”
“It’s just too bad I’m the only one,” I whispered.
The doctor nodded sympathetically. “Yes, I am very sorry for your loss. Some officers from the Hendersonville police stopped by to ask you some questions. I asked them to come back in the morning. I figured you would like some time. I would like to hold you overnight for observations, but I suspect that you’ll check out just fine and be able to go home in the morning.”
“That’s great Doctor,” Gram said.
I didn’t know if it was good news or not. Donovan was my home. What would it be like to go back to the house without him, or Sulley, or Will? I wondered if I should go back to Chicago. There was too much to consider, so much I didn’t want to think about. I longed more than anything to just close my eyes and be back in that glorious light with Donovan where things made sense and I was at peace.
“Well I’m afraid visiting hours are over for tonight. We need to let this young lady get some rest,” the doctor mandated and Gram looked at me, worried.
“It’s okay Gram. I’ll be okay. I’m just tired and sore is all.”
“Okay,” Gram said and stood. “I’ll make sure someone gets me here as soon as possible tomorrow. I’ll annoy the mess out of them again if I have to.”
I held onto Gram’s hand and gave it a squeeze.
“I love you so much Gram Gram.”
Gram smiled down at me and sighed happily.
“I love you too, precious girl. Now, get some rest,” she said and then she leaned down and kissed my forehead and left the room.
“Well your vitals are looking good. How does the rest of you feel?” The doctor looked down on me with practiced concern.
“I’ve got a headache,” I said.
The doctor collected his clipboard and patted my foot on his way out.
“I’ll send the nurse in to give you something for the pain. I’ll have her give you something to help you sleep too.”
“But I’ve been asleep for like eighteen hours already. Is that really necessary?” I argued.
The doctor paused at the door and turned to look at me.
“You’ve been through a lot. Your body and mind need to rest,” he said giving me another reassuring smile and left the room.
I sat there a moment, not sure which emotion was going to take hold of me first: sorrow, bitterness, despair. Gratitude. That’s what I should be feeling, I thought. I was alive against all odds, Gram was alive and back from the recesses of her mind. I was thankful for all of that. I wished it was enough for me, but it wasn’t.
“It’s okay to be upset,” a quiet voice spoke from the corner of the room. “It’s okay to be angry.”
I jumped, startled, and turned in the direction of the voice.
“Nadine,” I breathed and relaxed. “I forgot you were here.”
“I’m sorry, Honey,” she said as she stood and walked to me. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”
I collected myself and tried to look happy.
“It’s okay. I’m sorry. Guess I’m still a little in shock.”
“I know, Child,” she said and took hold of my hand. “And it’s okay to be upset. You’ve lost a lot in a matter of a few hours. Or, at least you think you have.”
“What do you mean?”
Nadine sat on the edge of my bed.
“Well, Sullivan was not the uncle that you thought he was. He was a sick, sick man. And the truth is you can’t really lose something that you never really had. So the loss you feel for him is really a mourning for an idea of who you thought he was.”
I shook my head and tried to make sense of her words.
“I guess so, but . . .”
“But the loss of your uncle isn’t the loss you feel the greatest, is it?” Nadine interrupted.
I looked up into her sympathetic face.
“No, it’s not.”
Nadine smiled and squeezed my hand.
“The greatest gifts we get in life are also the hardest to let go of,” she said. “Though we ought to be thankful that we ever had them, we mourn them so completely that sometimes we consume ourselves with what we have lost and overlook what we are given in their place.”
Another tear fell onto my cheek before I could reach up to stop it.
“How do you know so much?”
“It’s important to remember that what was given to you as a gift from Him,” Nadine smiled and pointed to the heavens, “can never truly be lost.”
I stared at Nadine, at her warm smile and bright eyes.
“How . . .?”
“Okay, so how are we doing in here?” A stoutly nurse interrupted me as she walked in with a tray holding a pitcher of water and a cup. She set the tray down beside the white lilies on the table and turned to me.
“Oh, well . . .” I stammered, “my head is aching a little, but other than that I’m okay.”
“Yep, the doctor said you were having some pain,” the nurse said cheerily and retrieved a syringe from her scrubs pocket. “I’m just giving you a pain killer and a moderate dose of relaxant. It should knock you right out. The doctor wants you to get lots of rest.”
The nurse inserted the syringe into the IV and smiled casually at me. I looked at Nadine and then back to the nurse.
“I’m sorry, I know visiting hours are over. My friend was just about to leave,” I said motioning to Nadine.
The nurse looked confused. She lowered her eyes at me and then turned and looked behind her, searching the room for someone, but seeing no one. She looked back to me concerned.
“Oh, okay Hun,” she said and checked my pupils with a small light. “You just make sure to rest that head. I’ll be back to check on you shortly.”
I watched as the nurse walked to the door and then turned to scrutinize me once more before leaving the room. In shock, I turned to Nadine. She smiled knowingly back.
“She couldn’t see you!”
Nadine shook her head. “No Child, only you have the gift.”
I sat up straighter. “You’re a . . . a.”
“Guardian? Of course I am,” she giggled. “Why, I’ve been looking after your sweet Gram since she was barely older than you are now.”
I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think.
“Boy did she give me a run for my money too,” Nadine continued, “living with a murderer for the last decade and a half.”
My mind raced. I thought of every time I had been with Nadine. I thought about when we had first met at Sulley’s house. Sulley had never introduced us, had
never directly spoken to Nadine. At church, Nadine had sat next to me, she had never spoken with anyone else, just me. I realized with astonishment that no one had ever addressed Nadine except for me.
“Does Gram know?” I stammered.
Nadine smiled and patted my hand again. “Oh I suspect she knows on some level. That woman has strong faith, always has.”
“But . . . why can I see you with no problem?”
“Well that’s because it’s easier for you to believe that I’d be looking after your Gram. Your mind accepts it easily . . . even if you didn’t recognize me for what I am.”
“How many more like you are out there?” I asked, still stunned.
“He has His angels everywhere, Child, looking over mankind. Some are sent straight from the heavens themselves, while others are everyday people just like you or any random man on the street. We can all be called upon to be His angels at any time – to protect His people at any given moment. He can use anyone, and any circumstance.”
“And then when they aren’t needed anymore, He tears them away,” I whispered, regretting the anger in my voice.
Nadine shook her head. “You are letting yourself be blinded by your loss. You’re going to miss the blessing He has in store for you.”
“I know, I have Gram back, and she’s well and in good health. I should be more grateful.” I lowered my head.
“And your Gram has her granddaughter back as well as her mind, which is why she is no longer in need of me,” Nadine sighed.
“So you’re just going to leave her? Just like that?” I cried.
“No Child,” Nadine answered, looking deep into my eyes, “I’m going home to prepare for when she gets there.”
My breath caught in my throat, but Nadine smiled at me.
“Now, don’t you go fretting just yet. She’s got quite a few more years to spend with you first. That, my child, is her blessing. I pray you don’t miss yours.”
I shook my head in frustration, the medication quickly fogging my mind.
“I don’t know what that is,” I sighed, defeated and weary.
Nadine gave my hand one last pat. “You will. When you decide to open your mind, to look past your loss, you will see. Don’t let yourself be blinded by what all you have lost that you don’t see what you have to gain. You have to remember that all things are possible. Now, lay yourself down and get some rest, things will be clearer in the morning.”
