Simon’s heart was racing. He resisted the urge to get up and leave, to run away—from them, from his feelings, from the future, from commitment. It had always worked for him in the past.
But wasn’t this what he wanted? Wasn’t it what he’d dreamed about in Africa? A life with Christy? And his new feelings for Robert weren’t a passing fancy. They felt nothing like the shallow infatuations he’d had in the past.
For some reason known only to God and perhaps, someday, Simon, these two people had broken through decades of defenses and stolen his heart. And here, now, they were offering things he never thought he’d have. Things he thought he didn’t deserve.
“Why are we talking about children?” he asked.
“Because it is a consequence of what we are doing, or are going to do,” Christy said. “I, of all people, ought to know that.”
“Always practical,” Simon said, casting a half smile her way.
“Always, from now on,” Christy said. “You’re right. I have Christian to consider now. Every decision I make—”
“We make,” Robert interrupted to say.
“We make, has to be made with his best interests in mind.” She looked at Simon. “This”—she pointed at each of them—“was not done lightly. We both considered the ramification and made our decision based on what we thought was best for all involved, Christian included. Isn’t that right?” she asked Robert.
“Yes,” he said. “At one point, when you first came back from Africa, I thought that I would have to give Christy up. I thought that she would be happiest with you, and I was willing to let her and Christian go with you. I would not have even considered it if I did not find you worthy.”
Simon ran his hands through his hair and pulled his leg away from Christy’s in the guise of bending his knees. “I think you both give me too much credit,” he said. “I have a rather colorful past, you know.”
“So I gathered from things that others have said. From what you said, earlier,” Robert replied cautiously. “I think you should know I have a very colorless past. What we did tonight was…quite extraordinary for me.”
“What we did tonight was very tame,” Simon said with a laugh. “But…” He rolled over to face Robert and mimicked his position. “I found it more satisfying than the most meaningless debauched evening I have ever wasted in my past.”
“I’m afraid I’m like Robert,” Christy admitted. Her cheeks were flushed a becoming pink. “Although I have a bit more experience, it hasn’t exactly been full of variety.” She bit her lip in embarrassment. “What you two did tonight is most certainly the naughtiest thing I’ve ever done.”
“Are you both in a hurry to learn all you can from the infamously debauched Simon Gantry?” Simon asked wryly. “I’ve had quite a few people seek me out for just such a purpose.”
“Oh, Simon,” Christy said sadly. She took his hand and squeezed it. He held it tight. “I’m so very sorry.”
“I don’t think anyone has every been sorry for my sordid sexual escapades before,” he said. “This is a new experience.” He was trying to make light of it, but the fact was her sympathy lightened a burden he hadn’t even realized he’d been carrying.
“I’m sorry, too,” Robert said. “I’ve only known Christy, and now you. And both experiences have been sensual and satisfying, but also wondrous because I shared them with you two. I cannot imagine being so vulnerable with a stranger, or experiencing such joy and not have it be a sharing of souls as well as bodies.”
Simon’s heart did an odd sort of stutter that made him lightheaded and short of breath. “Is that what that was?” he asked quietly. “A sharing of souls?”
“Yes,” Christy answered. “For me as well. The first time we were together I felt it, Simon, though I’m not sure you did.”
He covered his eyes with his hand because they were burning. “I have not been with anyone else since you, Christy. Not willingly.” He took his hand away and met her surprised gaze. “I know everyone thinks I have. I let them think it. I tried, but I couldn’t go through with it. It wasn’t the same. All I could see was your face.”
He glanced briefly at Robert and then back at Christy. “And now I know why. Now I know why I saw your face in my dreams every night. Because you have a part of my soul and I have a part of yours. Inside me.”
Chapter 30
Christy carried Christian on her hip as she poured a cup of tea for Simon. The sun had barely risen, but the men had to get back to the Home Office.
“Where is the nanny?” asked Simon, after thanking her. He took a bite of toast. Christian was fussing on her hip and she bounced him a little.
“She left at first light,” Christy said tightly. She was still furious about the young woman’s desertion.
“Why?” Christian tried to grab Simon’s toast, and Christy scolded him. She very nearly dropped the teapot.
“I imagine the three of you and what you got up to last night probably scandalized her,” Hastings said, grabbing a piece of toast from the tray on the table.
“What did you say?” Simon asked, putting his tea down.
Christy was so tired she couldn’t even take offense. “He’s right,” she said. “She informed me she wouldn’t live in a ‘house of ill repute’—her words—and that if people found out she’d never get another job. So I wrote her a letter of recommendation and she left.” Christy tucked a piece of hair that Christian had pulled loose back into place. “And now Cook has taken to her room, as well.”
“Christy, I’m sorry,” Simon said. He looked devastated. “Here, let me.” He reached for Christian, and Christy handed him over gladly. She loved him, but he was quite impossible this morning since he hadn’t slept enough last night either.
“Why is he drooling?” Hastings asked with a frown. “Is there something wrong with him?”
“He’s teething.” Simon tore off a chunk of toast and handed it to Christian, who immediately began to gnaw on it happily. “I remember when one of Very’s was going through this. She said the toast worked wonders.”
He took a bite of what was left of his toast and watched Christian. The baby reached for his nose and Simon dodged his little fist with a laugh. “Oh, no. I’m wise to that trick,” Simon told him.
Christy felt tears prick her eyes, and she turned away before Simon could see them. Robert was quietly standing in the door, watching them. He smiled at Christy, and she knew he was thinking the same thing. How wonderful it was to see Simon and Christian together. The baby was just what Simon needed. Someone new and innocent and trusting. Someone who would love Simon as they did, with no judgment or hesitation.
“So Nanny Beth has gone?” Robert said as he entered the room.
“You don’t need her,” Hastings said, surprising Christy with his vehemence. “She was far too judgmental. She would only have warped little Christian, mark my words.” He tossed down his napkin. “I’ll find you a nanny.”
Robert and Simon both got a very alarmed look on their faces. “No, really, that’s not necessary,” Robert said.
“I’m sure Christy would prefer to hire her own nanny,” Simon added. “Isn’t that right, Christy?”
Christy hid a yawn behind her hand. “Oh, yes, of course,” she said. “But I do appreciate Mr. Hastings’s offer of help.”
“You should both be ashamed of yourselves,” Hastings said, glaring and Robert and Simon. “These gentlewomen haven’t got that kind of stamina, you know.” He stood up. “Here now, you and the baby should have a rest today. Come on, lads, let’s go find some villains.”
He marched out of the kitchen and Christy looked curiously at Robert, who looked at Simon, who just shrugged.
“I haven’t any idea what’s gotten into him today,” Simon said. He took a sip of tea and Christian tried to grab the cup, but Simon expertly dodged that, too.
“You’re very good with children,” Christy told him.
“You have seen how many children Very has, haven’t you?” he aske
d. “I was trained by the most devious brats in London.”
“Actually I only just met Mrs. Tarrant yesterday,” Christy told him. “I went around to see her because I needed her help with Daniel.”
“What’s wrong with Daniel?” both men said at the same time. They looked at one another in dawning comprehension.
“Do you think Daniel had anything to do with this?” Simon asked suspiciously. “He did send me to help you.”
“I asked him yesterday and he said no,” Christy told them. “He claims it was the furthest thing from his mind. But you know—”
“Daniel,” Simon finished for her. “Yes, we do. Why did you need help with him?”
Christy bit her lip. “Well, I wasn’t going to tell you because I didn’t want to worry you, what with this mission and all, but his leg isn’t healing and he’s not doing well. I sent for the doctor yesterday, but he was an ineffectual potion peddler, as Daniel called him. And I was at my wit’s end. So, I went to see the infamous Mrs. Very Tarrant. From her letters she sounded as if she could handle Daniel. You know Harry lets Daniel walk all over him, and with everything going on between us, and Christian, and the agents, I just couldn’t take on one more thing. Does that make me a bad person?”
“No,” Robert said. He came over and kissed her brow. “I don’t know Mrs. Tarrant, but I’m sure she can handle Daniel. He’ll be fine.”
“Very could handle Armageddon, and probably does on a daily basis around that house of hers,” Simon said as he got up, carrying Christian. He came over and kissed her cheek. “Daniel can be a beast when he doesn’t feel well. I’ve been on the end of that whip of a tongue of his. Let Very and Harry handle him and I’m sure he’ll be up in no time.”
He handed Christian back to her. “I’m sorry, love. We’ve got to go. You know,” he said as he was leaving the room, “I was wondering why Daniel hadn’t shown up to inquire about the investigation. It’s not like him not to interfere. I should have gone by to check on him.”
“I should have as well,” Robert said. “Perhaps later today we’ll have time to stop by.” He kissed Christy’s cheek. “Hopefully we will see you tonight, but I can’t make promises. This case is a mess, I’m afraid. But I’ll send a note if we’re delayed again.”
After they left Christy sat down at the table, feeling as if all the air in the room had rushed out with them and she needed to sit down to catch her breath. She was going to have to take a nap with Christian today to make up for the sleep she’d lost the night before. But as soon as she had her wits about her, she’d direct her thoughts toward putting her house in order. And that definitely included Simon.
Chapter 31
“I’m honestly not sure if we should bother looking for the needle that is Mr. Demetriev here, or just sit on the Royal Ordnance at the Warren and catch whoever shows up and tries to steal the explosives,” Simon said, looking at the busy dock that stretched out in front of them.
“I have a feeling that it’s too soon,” Robert mused. “If it were me, I’d steal the explosives at the last minute. Too soon, and you’ve given fair warning. We may suspect something, but if a large cache of explosives were to suddenly go missing from Woolwich, then we’d know, and double our efforts. And then we’d have the full support of the Army and the Navy to back us up. No, Mr. Van de Berg and Mr. Demetriev and their conspirators are biding their time and planning. They know the explosives aren’t going anywhere.”
“Hmm,” Simon said. He didn’t sound convinced.
“Well, how would you do it?” Robert asked.
“I would take the opposite approach,” Simon said. “I’d steal the explosives months or even years before I needed them. Then I’d store them somewhere safe until it was time. After the rush and intensity of the initial investigation, as long as I wasn’t found out, interest would fade, and by the time of the attack no one would be looking for me or my explosives any more. I could just walk in and blow up whatever I pleased.”
“Which is exactly what they had planned originally,” Robert said in appreciation. “Perhaps we are not dealing with amateurs after all.”
“Not completely, no,” Simon said. “My guess is that Van de Berg has some experience in the intelligence game or the military. As for Demetriev, I can’t say. But he’s Russian, so anything is possible.”
“Demetriev was a last-minute substitution for the original plan,” Robert reminded him. “I wonder if he knows he’s going to be an unfortunate casualty of this scheme?”
“Because naturally Van de Berg needs to kill any witnesses,” Simon said.
“Naturally,” Robert agreed.
They walked along in companionable silence for several minutes, looking for all the world like two gentlemen strolling along the wharf with no pressing business, curiously looking in windows and watching the stowadores. There were actually quite a few people down on the docks doing exactly the same thing. Robert suspected they were hoping to catch even the tiniest breeze off the water in the heat of the day. He couldn’t recall a hotter summer in all his years.
Simon drew his share of attention but didn’t even notice it. Robert supposed he must be used to it. He wore a honey-colored jacket and matching vest with a white shirt and matching white cravat tied in a simple, loose knot in a concession to the heat. The jacket complemented his blond hair beautifully. Robert was proud of himself for refusing to study Simon’s trousers with such detail.
“Do I pass inspection?” Simon asked, clearly amused. They had stopped to look in the window of an import business and Robert met Simon’s gaze in the reflection.
“Yes,” he said simply.
Simon chuckled and turned to walk on. “No wonder you and Christy get along so well,” he commented. “You are evenly practical with your words.”
“Do you require more words?” Robert asked, unsure of himself. “I’m afraid I am not very good at wooing. You may ask Christy. I am better at simply stating the facts and then logically moving on from there.”
“No, I do not require more words,” Simon said softly as several people passed them on the sidewalk. “Not from you. I have had too many empty words from people who did not mean them and did not care.”
Robert tipped his hat to a lady, trying to act like this was a normal conversation. “I care.”
Simon set his walking stick on the sidewalk in front of him in an exaggerated movement and then lifted it again as he walked by. It was a jaunty sort of move that made Robert smile. “Now those were not empty words,” was all he said in response, but Robert knew what he meant was that he cared, too. He didn’t need a codebook to decipher Simon.
“So what exactly did you mean when you said you had a great deal to teach me?” Robert asked at last. The possibilities had been driving him mad. He had some rudimentary knowledge of the baser physical acts, but not enough to even imagine doing any of them with Simon or Christy. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to, to be honest. So far everything they had done had seemed honest and true. He had no desire to destroy that between them with foolish and unsatisfying mucking about.
“A better question would be, what do you want to learn?” Simon countered.
“I’m not sure,” Robert said. “I liked what we did last night. It seemed natural and genuine.”
“Genuine,” Simon said thoughtfully. “Yes, that’s a good word for it. I like that.”
“What I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to do anything that doesn’t feel the same way.”
“I think that has more to do with us and our feelings than whatever physical acts we are enjoying,” Simon told him.
“I don’t want to do anything that will hurt Christy. Physically, I mean.” This was one of Robert’s greatest fears.
“Is that what you’re worried about?” Simon asked. He looked around and then guided Robert off the sidewalk to quiet spot near the edge of the wharf by the water. “I would never hurt Christy in that fashion.”
“I know. At least not knowingly. But if we were to
do something you hadn’t done before—”
Simon interrupted him with a disbelieving snort of laughter. “Sorry, sorry,” he said. “It’s just, if I haven’t done it, no one’s thought of it yet.”
Robert tilted his head, staring at Simon, not laughing.
“Oh, dear,” Simon said. “Not funny, hmm?”
“No,” Robert said. “It’s not that. It’s just…that doesn’t bother me. It should, shouldn’t it? That you’ve so much experience. And yet, I don’t care. Just as I didn’t care that Christy carried another man’s child when I fell in love with her. It’s as if nothing in the past matters once you’re—” He’d been about to say mine, but then the presumptuousness of it hit him and it stuck in his throat.
“Once I’m what?” Simon asked. Robert didn’t answer, too embarrassed now to say it aloud. “No? Hmm. I’m quite sure I would have been interested to hear that.” He looked back at the street. “I’m in an awkward situation,” he confessed after a moment of silence. “We have been intimate, and yet I don’t really know your boundaries or preferences on language when it comes to sexual acts.”
He glanced briefly at Robert, and Robert saw him blush. This conversation was as difficult for him as it was for Robert. Good.
“Just speak as you would be spoken to,” Robert said. He was rather relieved because it would give him a chance to learn Simon’s preferences, too.
“All right.” Simon shot his cuffs and straightened his cravat. “We can fuck, you and I. Do you know how?”
He looked right at Robert. It took a moment for Robert to realize he was waiting for confirmation. He nodded.
“Good. It can be uncomfortable at first, but it definitely has its rewards. Christy can also be fucked the same way.”
Robert’s eyes grew large at that.
“Never thought about the tit for tat, eh? A lot of men don’t.”
Mission to Love Page 22
