"Logan, I can't see you anymore." I wanted to hit myself.
His perfect face fell, even though he didn't look surprised. "What?"
"The guilt is..." I rubbed my chest and swallowed. "I can't do this to Jace."
"You're not doing anything to Jace. We're not doing anything."
"Come on, Logan. You don't believe that, we just almost... I don't know, kissed!"
"So I can't touch you anymore? Chloe, I've done nothing more than smile at you since you called it off, excluding that moment but you were being ridiculous. What do you want from me?"
"I'm sorry." God, my head was everywhere and nothing made sense. "We're getting closer again already and we can't do that but I want you so badly."
He groaned. "Come on, don't tell me that."
We'd never given us a real shot but I was completely caught up in him. He was in every thought. He was everything I wanted. Why couldn't it just be easy? Why couldn't I stop stressing or worrying?
"Look, Chlo, I'm sorry. Don't run. We'll try harder. You said yourself that we have to be in each other's lives and you're right. You know we do." He took a step back away from me and I wanted to bring him closer again.
How were we supposed to be friends if we could barely keep our hands off each other? Battling the need for that contact was exhausting and it'd only been an hour. But we did need to do it. Not seeing or speaking to him for a few days drove me insane.
I took a few deep breaths before I responded, "Okay. Let's just cool things down. You're right, I'm right, that we have to make this work. Run, then lunch at Pizza Hut?"
He nodded, holding his hands behind his back as if he had to physically restrain himself. It didn't help with the wanting him badly thing at all. "Sure."
"Good. I'm paying."
"I don't think so," he said, both of us now trying to brush what just happened under the carpet. I could smile and joke but inside my head I was replaying everything and obsessing. I wanted him to push me against that tree again.
"Oh, stop the macho man thing, Logan. I missed your birthday and I want to make it up to you."
"There's nothing to make up, it was just another day."
"Ah, the Miserable Birthday Bastard strikes again."
He laughed and I felt some of the tension between us melt away. "I almost got through this year without hearing that."
"It wouldn't be your birthday if you didn't have one of us talking crap at you. Plus, you really are grumpy on your birthday."
We started to run again. "I'm not grumpy, I just don't get all the fuss."
He never would. I wasn't exactly huge on birthdays either but I at least enjoyed mine a little.
***
"This pizza is so good," I said. My heart still hadn't calmed down since he'd told me how he felt and I wasn't sure if it would anytime soon. "How mad would you be if I got the waitress to put a candle in your dessert so I can sing happy birthday."
His eyebrow arched and he stopped chewing.
"Right, really mad then."
Swallowing his food, he replied, "Yeah. Don't do that."
"Are you back at work on Monday?"
"Tuesday," he replied. "Had Monday off anyway. Thought I should take a birthday week off work." He turned his nose up. "No idea why, though."
I rolled my eyes. You took time off work to enjoy your birthday, or normal people did. "What's going on this weekend then?" I asked, still grinning at his reaction to my singing question.
He shrugged. "No plans other than running and a gym session with you."
"Ugh," I groaned. "Nothing too heavy."
"You can do it now. I'd never push you beyond what you can take."
Physically, he wouldn't.
"I know that. So, really? We're working out and not having a chilled weekend eating junk food?" I was hoping to tempt him but I didn't expect to get that far.
"We can do both. If we're junk fooding it you'll want a big work out, stop the chocolate going to your thighs."
My mouth dropped open. He'd already put his hands up, laughing and shaking his head.
"I'm kidding, Chlo, every time! You know I'm kidding."
"Oh, I am so bloody getting a candle for your dessert and singing on the table, you bastard." Then I started laughing too. God, I really had missed him.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Logan
She was entirely too close and entirely too far. I could see the faint freckles she got from the sun and the darker, almost black ring around her amber eyes. Fighting to stay away from her was getting harder by the day. Hell, by the second.
I wanted her so much. I was going to fuck up really soon and do the one thing I promised her I wouldn't. Soon I was going to give in to what my body screamed for. I was going to kiss her.
She did nothing but stare into my eyes, breathing a touch heavier than normal. She was gravity and I couldn't help myself.
"I don't know how much longer I can not kiss you," I whispered.
I unconsciously inched closer to her, my desperate body working independently to get what it needed. She was all I wanted and it fucking hurt to be around her and pretend that just being her friend was fine.
She gulped audibly and licked her bottom lip. I knew she didn't mean to but she just made things ten times harder - literally. "Logan, we can't."
"We shouldn't, not we can't."
"Does it matter?"
"He would want us to be happy."
I couldn't believe I'd said it. I wasn't going to, I really wasn't going to go there but she was driving me crazy. And it was the truth. Jace would want us to be happy.
I was going to hell.
Chloe sat back, taking a deep breath. "I know that but it's how I will feel if we do this."
"How's that?" Fucking hell, I probably didn't want to know.
"Guilty. Who gets with their dead ex's brother? It's just... wrong."
Yeah, I definitely didn't want to hear that. Groaning, I rubbed my forehead where I was starting to get a headache. What the fuck was I supposed to do? Being around her was too hard but not having her in my life was worse. Could I stay away from her to give us both some space?
"I'm sorry, Logan. You know I want this, too, but we can't do that to Jace or your family."
"Is that what you're really worried about, what other people will think?"
I felt a glimmer of hope. If that was what it was I could talk to my family, who I already knew would support us. She kept her eyes on her quilt cover. If she didn't want me I would back down and never mention it again, but she did.
"That and me. I can't get past the guilty feeling. I feel like I'm betraying Jace just by having feelings for you so I can't imagine how much worse I'll feel if we acted on this, again."
"What do you want?"
"Now or in an ideal world?"
I frowned. "Both."
"Ideal: you. I think that's pretty obvious." Her cheeks turned the lightest shade of pink as she gave me a shy smile.
"And now?" I asked.
"Now: I don't know. What if I can't get past this feeling that I'm the worst person in the world? I can't ask or expect you to wait for something I can't guarantee you."
"Time? Is that it? You need more time?"
"Stop, Logan, don't look at me like that, it makes me feel worse." Look at her like what? I frowned, and she sighed. "You look hopeful."
"I am. Look, Chloe, I want this, but I want you to be happy more. If you don't want to do this, for whatever reason, then I'll back off. I swear. But if there's a chance that giving you time and space will make you stop judging yourself, then I'll do it. I want us to be together but only if you're one hundred per cent happy with it. No doubts."
"You can't wait, Logan."
"Why not?"
"Because it's not fair to you."
"None of this is fair to either of us but it is what it is. I've had longer to accept how I feel about you. I was where you are, too, and I understand. There's no pressure, Chloe, I promise you that. L
et's take a step back and just be us again."
"Us again."
I rolled my eyes. "You know what I mean, smart arse."
She smiled faintly. "Thank you."
Standing up, I held my hand out. "Doesn't mean you're getting out of running today. Up."
We left the house and started to run.
"Are we just pretending that conversation didn't happen?" she asked.
"For now, yeah. We're friends until you can put your hand on your heart and say you truly believe Jace would be okay with us and you don't feel bad for feeling how you feel."
It wasn't like waiting for her was a new concept to me and I wouldn't want her to jump back into this if she had even the slightest doubt. We would work out, I knew that, but I wanted the little runner to be right there with me when we got back together.
We upped the pace, running out of town, towards the endless fields of the countryside. "You ready to go back to uni?" I asked. Next month was the start of her final year.
"Yes and no. I want this year to be over already but then I'll have to think about the after."
"The after being?"
"Exactly! I'm still undecided. Weddings or general."
"Why not both?"
"I've not found a both. Places have a separate wedding planner to other events."
"So do it yourself."
"Come on, Logan, I'm so not ready to start up my own business."
That was shit. "You are. Chloe, you run shifts at work and parties like a military operation."
"I'm confident that I can organise any event but a business would be a part of me and in case you haven't noticed, I've not been that great at organising myself."
"You always wanted weddings."
"I did. That was part of the plan. Move in with Jace, he goes off to be a fancy architect and I find a job at a nearby grand hotel and plan couples' fairytale weddings all day. I hate that I'm questioning what I want to do when it used to be so clear."
She wasn't great at relinquishing control over anything, especially what she thought she should be in control of.
"You've got time to figure it out."
"That's not been at the top of my list but I'm going to have to figure it out soon."
"Right. Us."
"Yeah, us. When I started having feelings for you I could feel everything slipping out of my control."
Good.
"Maybe that's not a bad thing, sweetheart."
"Maybe not but I'd just finally felt like I was getting everything straight again and then..." Then I fucked it up. "It's okay though, I have a year to slot back into my plan what kind of event organiser I want to be."
If her plan was written down on something I could physically destroy I would have burned it by now. She drove me crazy with all this planning shit. And the most frustrating part was she didn't want to plan quite so thoroughly.
I didn't think it was a bad thing that she was questioning everything. I wanted her to do more of it until she reached the point where none of it made sense and she threw her fucking plan away.
Chapter Thirty-four
Chloe
"Alright, what the piss is going on, Chloe?" Nell snapped, pulling a chair out and sitting down.
What the piss?
I put my fork down; I wasn't at all hungry anyway.
"Logan called. He tells you he loves you and you leave him hanging, again. What're you doing, girl? Stop being scared, stop running, and stop hurting the both of you. Seriously, I'm seconds from whacking both of you!"
I almost choked on the lump in my throat. "What am I doing, Nell? I don't... I don't know anything anymore. Every time I think it's going to be okay I feel like I can't breathe again. It's so fucking overwhelming, I feel like I'm losing it."
"You're starting to sound like him, you know."
I managed a small laugh.
"Lucky for you though, I've figured out what's really wrong."
"I was with his brother."
"Nope," she replied. "You said before that you were past that. So is everyone else. That's old news but it's easier for your confused little mind to focus on. This isn't about Jace, it's about Logan."
"You've stopped making sense again, Nell."
"You and Jace loved each other but it was young and sweet and fairytale-like. Logan's the real deal. You're older now, you fell in love with him as a stronger, more passionate, ambitious woman. You're in love with him and it's so much more and so much deeper than you've felt before and it scares you."
She should be a shrink.
I glared. "I kind of hate you right now." She laughed and hooked my plate with her finger, drawing it over to her side of the table. I shoved it the rest of the way. "Have it, I'm not hungry."
"I wonder why," she sang in the most annoying voice I'd ever heard. "You going to class or to see Logan?"
I should go to class since it was the start of my final year but I wouldn't be able to concentrate anyway. I grabbed my bag. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Good girl."
***
I rang the doorbell and prayed he wouldn't slam the door in my face. Things were still tense and it was what I deserved for being such a stupid idiot.
The first thing I saw when he opened the door was how tired he looked. "Chlo," he whispered.
"Hi."
He gave a small nod. Well, this was getting awkward pretty fast. Neither of us knew exactly how to act as friends, especially since we both wanted more.
"Can I come in?"
He opened the door a little more. "You know you can."
I walked past, ignoring the flutter of excitement as my arm brushed his. Shit, I really loved him. Nell was right; it was so much deeper. It was painfully intense and all consuming.
I stopped by the sofa and turned around. "I realised something earlier and while I was coming over here I thought about it so much I haven't really had time to actually work out what I'm going to say so I'll just get it out there... I want to be with you, Logan. I'm ready and I promise nothing is going to hold me back or make me run from you again." Why can't I say I love you?
He stood still, slowly taking in my words in but he didn't move. I expected more than a statue but I was probably getting what I deserved.
"Aren't you going to say anything?" I said when silence had stretched to almost a minute.
He took a deep breath and the pain was back in his eyes. Fuck, he was going to tell me to leave. My stomach turned.
"I don't know what to say, Chloe. You've done this before, you've been in and then ran so many times I kinda feel like I need to go into protective mode around you. I can't let you run from me again."
My eyes stung. "So that means you're not going to let me back in." Nope, couldn't blame him. I'd been so back and forth lately that I wouldn't trust me either. Funny, or not really funny, thing was, I did now trust myself where he was concerned.
"It means I need to know for sure, sweetheart," he said, walking closer. I felt my tears roll over the edge when he called me sweetheart again.
He was close enough for me to reach him now so I did. I stretched my arms out and placed my hands on his stomach. He closed his eyes and I heard a sharp intake of breath. I ran my hands up his chest and stepped closer.
"I'm right here, Logan. I'm ready to be yours, to deal with whatever we have to deal with together. I want this more than anything and I swear I will never run again. Please, give me a second chance."
His eyes flicked open as I took the final step, bringing us flush with each other. My arms continued up until they were around his neck. I could smell him and it was doing nothing to help me stay calm until I knew if he even could give me another chance.
"No more running."
I shook my head. "I promise I will never run from you again."
He groaned and pressed his forehead to mine. "This is going to work, Chloe."
"I know it is." I was damn determined, no matter what happened. "I've missed you so much."
With closed eyes a
nd a boyish grin, he replied, "Back atcha."
Pressing his lips against mine in a much needed hot and heavy kiss that had me clinging to him and wrapping my legs around his waist, he carried us to what I assumed was the sofa.
I was suddenly on my back and Logan was devouring my mouth and tangling his hands in my hair. I returned the kiss with as much enthusiasm and emotion, loving the feeling of having his weight pressing me into the cushions below us.
This was where I was supposed to be. Not being around him was hard but at least it taught me that I never wanted us to be apart again. I was ready for our sunset.
He let us up for air right when I was feeling lightheaded and laid beside me. I curled into him, laying my head on his shoulder.
"I really am sorry, Logan, I've been the biggest idiot."
"You were scared," he replied.
"I was. I didn't even really realise how much and that it I could get past it until Nell said."
"Remind me to buy her a drink."
I smiled and burrowed closer. "How dumb could I be to not know why I was running?" He still didn't know the real reason I was running because I couldn't say those three, terrifying little words.
"There's been a lot, Chlo. Your emotions were all over the place, everything got blurred and the easiest thing to focus on was guilt, but the important thing is that you found your way back to me. I'd rather it happened like this than you forcing yourself to stay and it causing more problems. You had to know why you were running before we could move forward."
"You're so understanding."
"It's understandable. Over the last seven years I've wanted to run a few times and I did leave for a while when I took those three weeks off. No one can force you to realise something."
"Nell did."
"She just told you what you couldn't get your head around. Wanting you messed me up for a while, too. It's hard to understand the problem when you're that close and painfully easy for others to see."
"I guess."
"Seriously, don't beat yourself up over this. We're good now. If you ever feel like it's too much again--"
"I won't," I said, cutting him off. "I'm in this one hundred per cent, Logan." But telling him I loved him was still stuck in my throat and I think it was because I wanted to say it when everything had calmed down. I didn't want him to think I was only saying it to convince him I wasn't going anywhere. When I told him how I felt I wanted him to know that it was because he was everything and that I wasn't afraid anymore. Or I was just a big baby and hoping he'd say it again first.
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