by Rita Hestand
"Emma, listen. Nothing is going to happen. I'll stand by you. I'll be here, don't you see." He came inside her room and tried to take her into his arms, but she moved to put distance between them. She couldn't think with him holding her, and she needed to think.
"No," she cried. "I'm sure . . ." she struggled with her words; unable to keep focused when he offered her comfort and the need to be near him nearly outgrew the fear that was destroying her. "I'm sure you didn't mean any harm. But you don't know, and it's all my fault. Please–just leave me alone. Just get out–please." Her voice reached hysteria.
"Emma don't do this. Don't lock me out, let me help you," he pleaded coming closer.
"Please–Just get out."
"Okay," his voice held muted frustration. "But we're going to talk this through, Emma." He promised turning to leave.
Emma watched him leave. Her heart thudded like a heavy drum in her chest, a burden. Her eyes filled with all the unshed tears. Her fears shot out at her from every corner, as Sammie Jo sat in the corner, looking at a Pooh book, and crying.
"Mama. Mama . . ."
"Oh darling, he doesn't realize what he's done. He couldn't have known. It's my fault. But we can't stay here. We've got to leave, and without anyone knowing. We'll slip out after supper. I heard Cal say they were going to check on a bull over at the Andersons'. We'll leave after they've gone."
"Dada," Sammie Jo wailed looking past her to the door.
"No darling. How can I explain this to you, so you'll understand? He isn't your father."
Emma hurriedly packed the old suitcase full of her stuff. She left the dress Deke had bought her hanging in the closet.
She'd laid round steak out for supper and began preparing it. Sammie Jo was being especially good, playing with her Pooh book while Emma worked.
At the supper table, conversation flowed easily. Emma did her best to act as normal as possible, but occasionally when Deke shot her a curious glance, she'd look away.
"So, you want to go with us over to the Anderson's Emma. I know Helen would enjoy yours and Sammie Jo's company," Cal was saying as he helped himself to the mashed potatoes.
"No-I don't think so this time, Cal. But I appreciate being asked. I've got some things to do this evening."
"Just thought I'd ask. We won't be gone over a couple of hours," Cal added. "Want me to take Sammie Jo with us?"
"You've done quite enough babysitting for a while. You go on and enjoy yourselves, we'll be fine."
"I never considered babysitting Sammie Jo. I enjoy her company. I'd be glad to take her."
"Not this time, but thanks."
"You think you can get the bull at a good price, dad?" Jake was asking as though trying to distract his father.
"I'm sure of it. John's got a boy going to college this fall and he'll need all the cash he can get."
"That's right, James is, isn't he?" Clint added, scooping the gravy on top his potatoes.
"Yeah, seems like yesterday they settled here. But we're all gettin' older. I wouldn't mind being a grandpa myself." Cal glanced at Deke.
"Excuse me," Deke got up from the table, throwing his napkin in his plate, and leaving before anyone was through. "I've got business in town, tonight."
"Oh, a date?" Cal lifted a brow.
"Maybe," Deke glanced at Emma, then cleared his throat and walked out of the kitchen.
"He's kiddin'," Cal aimed his words at Emma.
Emma managed to act as though she didn't care. It wasn't her business if the boss man had a date. But her heart seemed to shrivel up and die at that moment. And from the short silence that ensued, she was sure everyone in the kitchen was aware of her feelings.
"Dada," Sammie Jo wailed as Deke strode out the front door.
"No darling, Mr. Travers, Uncle Deke, but not dada." Emma reassured her.
"Sounds to me like Sammie Jo's done picked herself a daddy." Cal smiled.
"Excuse me; I think she's ready for a bath." Emma grabbed the baby from the highchair and made a quick dash for the privacy of her room. Things were getting too complicated. All the Travers men seemed bent on getting her and Deke together. Only problem was, Deke didn't want to get together anymore. And because of what he'd done, she couldn't stay here any longer.
She heard their voices as she escaped down the hall.
Emma couldn't stop the tears, and she had to distract herself from her own self-pity. She ran bath water in the tub for Sammie Jo, trying to drown out the voices in the kitchen and her head.
They must have wasted a half hour in the bathroom, because when they came out, no one was in the house.
Emma hurriedly dressed Sammie Jo, made sure everything was packed up, and taking the baby's hand walked silently out of the bedroom for the last time.
She wouldn't look back.
With sad resignation she headed away from the house towards the old truck, parked beside the barn. No one was about. Except Denver came running up to her for his usual pat on the head. Sammie Jo gurgled at the happy dog. Denver didn't seem to want to let them go. He barked loudly and danced all about them as they kept walking towards the truck.
"Oh stop it, you silly dog. I hate leaving you too, but we've got to go. Please let us leave in peace and quiet."
But it wasn't to be, Emma sighed as Deke's truck pulled up just in front of hers, making a hasty retreat impossible. He made the gravel fly as he braked. Leaving the headlights on as he got out of the truck, he slammed the door. It was almost dark and hard to see who was with him.
Emma put Sammie Jo in the car seat, threw her luggage in the back and started for the driver's side of the truck.
Deke marched up to her, and just as she would have gotten in, he slammed the door and held it there with his arm, above her head.
"Going somewhere?"
His voice sounded almost musical in the stillness of the night and Emma ached to turn into his arms and cry.
"We're leaving."
"Are you?"
"Yes, I left a note."
He nodded, his eyes piercing her through the darkness. "As I remember that's not the deal. I asked for two weeks' notice."
"I'm sorry, this is an emergency," Emma gasped as she tried to move around those big arms that trapped her.
"Emergency or an escape?" He queried, his head bending in her direction, his words feathering the skin of her cheek. God he was close, her heart wanted to shout at him. Couldn't he see how he was affecting her? Didn't he care that her heart was breaking?
"Don't you think you should return to your company?" She asked glancing toward the truck.
"Company? Oh, yes, well, I think we both should. Come on," he began and pulled her by the arm towards the truck.
The couple in the truck got out and walked up to them.
"Emma, this is Mr. and Mrs. Collins. They've been anxious to meet you and Sammie Jo." He said shoving Emma gently towards them as he turned to walk away, "Excuse me, while I get the baby."
Deke got Sammie Jo out of her car seat.
"Dada," she cried and giggled, snuggling into his shirt collar.
"Hi darlin', I'm glad to see you too," Deke said.
Emma stood not knowing what to say. Fear gripped her heart. Tears stung her eyes as the couple extended their hands to her.
"We are so glad to finally meet you, Emma. We've heard so many good things about you; we couldn't wait to meet you. Mr. Travers there sung your praises as a mother. And your family talked to us about you and Kate."
"Kate?" Deke queried from a distance.
"Your father didn't have much to say, but your brother Frank told us about Kate. If only we'd had a chance to meet her. Such a young little thing, and so brave to bring a child into the world knowing she probably couldn't carry it to term. She must have been remarkable."
"Kate?" Deke repeated as he reached them in two strides, hearing the conversation and not understanding their meaning.
"Yes, Kate, Sammie Jo's mother," Mrs. Collins explained.
Emma
looked into his alarmed face and begged silently that he would keep still with his questions until later, then she could explain.
"Kate must have thought a lot of you to name you as Sammie Jo's guardian." Mr. Collins was saying as Mrs. Collins took Sammie Jo into her arms and smiled.
Sammie Jo looked at her for a minute then smiled.
"Oh my God," the older woman exclaimed. "Look, look at her, Sam. She's the spitting image of Joel."
"Come here child," the man directed his wife and the child into the light on at the porch. "Let me look at you."
When they stood beneath the burning porch light he shook his head and wept.
Emma nearly lost all composure. The man was crying.
"She looks just like him. Just like our Joel."
Fear gutted Emma. If Sammie Jo looked like Joel they would never let her go. Needing to lean on something, she grabbed for Deke.
He held her, but at arm's length. Still she gained his strength, pulled it from him.
"You okay?" he asked, his voice husky.
"Yes–I think so."
"Let's go inside. Emma made a carrot cake for supper, and I smell coffee brewing. Rusty said he'd put a pot on. Let's relax and visit a little. I'm sure this is a big shock for you." Deke was explaining.
Emma reached for the baby, but Deke directed her inside the house instead.
In a whisper he explained. "Let them have a minute."
Emma nodded woodenly, feeling as though her world were void of emotions. She had lost Deke that much she realized earlier, but now Sammie Jo?
"I'll get the cake and coffee," Emma resounded numbly, needing to leave their presence and escape for a moment. She'd been so brave. She hadn't cried once, even though her heart had broken into pieces when Deke had left this evening. Now he was back, with them! And he was heedlessly tearing her world up again.
Her hands shook as she cut the cake. She spilled coffee on the counter, and burned her hands in the process.
Deke walked in, looked at her, and took over. He wiped the mess up, ran cool water over her hand and looked into her eyes.
"I know this is hard on you. But you're a strong woman. I've known that from the start. You can face this."
Even though he wasn't offering her his undying love, he was offering her a pillar of strength to lean on. He had faith in her. He must have guessed she lied, and it had to have affected him. Yet, he was embracing her courage for her.
Emma squared her shoulders, swallowed her unshed tears and nodded. "Yes, I can take it."
Mrs. Collins was a beautiful blonde-headed woman with wisps of gray at her temples, and an understanding smile curled her lips as she held the baby, and then offered her to her husband. She was small and dainty up against her big brawny man at her side. Emma saw Joel in her, and now, looking at Sammie Jo, she realized they were right. She did look like her father.
"Look at this . . ." Mrs. Collins pulled out a picture from her purse and handed it to Emma as she joined them.
"That was Joel when he was a baby. I wanted to compare it with the baby. But I didn't have to pull out the picture to realize she is the image of my son."
Emma took the picture and stared at it for a long moment. "Yes, you're right, she is."
Mr. Collins stood and paced for a moment then turned to Deke and Emma. "You'll have to excuse me. You see, Joel was killed three weeks ago in a bar room fight. He was a pretty heavy drinker. We tried everything to keep him away from the stuff, even had him admitted to one of those hospitals that specialize in alcohol related dependencies. It never worked for him. I pushed the boy too hard, I guess. Wanted him to take over my business. He just wasn't interested. He wanted to rodeo."
Deke nodded. "You shouldn't blame yourself or anyone for that matter. Sometimes, it just happens this way."
"Yeah, but it's damn hard to accept." Mr. Collins cleared his throat.
Mrs. Collins gathered Emma's hands in hers. "I'm so glad Kate had you to rely on. You were cousins, right?"
"Y-yes." Emma glanced awkwardly at Deke. A nerve in his jaw twitched but he said nothing, just listened to Mrs. Collins explaining the whole thing.
"And look at her. She's beautiful, and healthy, and happy. We want to be part of her life, forever."
Emma didn't have to have a truck run over her. She knew what was coming. But she didn't know how to stop it. She had to face the reality of it.
"We hope you'll let us continue to come and visit. She needs family. Lots of family, and lots of love," Mrs. Collins was saying.
"Excuse me." Emma cleared her throat, forcing away the choked tears. "Come and visit?"
"Yes. Often as we can get out here," Mrs. Collins offered.
"You mean, you don't want to take Sammie Jo–with you?"
The woman stared at Emma blankly for a second then blinked. "Oh dear me, is that what you thought? But of course it is. Oh my God. We've scared this poor girl silly, Sam. No wonder she has no color."
"What do you mean?" Sam frowned down at his wife.
"She thought we wanted to take the baby away from her, didn't you, dear?"
"Well–yes. Don't you?" Emma turned to face the woman.
Mrs. Collins blue eyes smiled at her. "Oh no, dear. Not at all. We're too old to raise a child again. We've retired and settled down and are looking forward to these restful years. Sam hasn't been well, had a heart attack two years ago. He pushes himself too hard and even though I'm healthy, I couldn't take care of her and Mr. Collins. I'm smart enough to know that. No–she needs a young woman–and man, too." the woman looked straight at Deke when she said that.
Could her fears all have been for nothing? Was it all this simple? She didn't have to do battle with anyone, argue her case, hire a lawyer, worry herself silly, nor-lie to the man she loved?
When Emma had no way of answering, Deke answered for her. "Well, that's a load off her mind, I'm sure. Emma worries about being a good enough mother."
Now for the first time Emma realized the impact. "I'm a wreck." Everyone looked at her.
"I have been from the beginning." She felt so humbled, so awkward. "Everything about being a mother scares me. I love her, she's my life, but she's at the age, she's into everything. Why, just the other day, she threw her elbow out of socket trying to reach something. I'm not sure–"
"Oh that's nothing. Joel got into cleaning fluid when he was a child. Oh yes, scared me out of ten years, I'm sure. I thought I'd killed him. I did."
"She's not exaggerating. She'd set her wedding rings in this stuff to clean 'em. Left it by the sink in a little cup. Joel eyed it all afternoon then that night climbed a chair and nosey little bugger that he was, tried to drink it. It was a time none of us forgot very easily Things like that happen. We rushed him to the hospital, and they pumped him and made him drink and watched him for hours. And he bounced back like nothing had happened. We nearly turned gray overnight."
"But that's all part of being a parent," Mrs. Collins insisted. "No one is perfect, my dear. No matter how much you love them, no matter how much you are there for them, you can't sit around watching them 24 hours a day. Children are curious. It's their nature. I'll leave my number and you call me anytime. Night or day. Send me pictures, better yet, get a camcorder and send me a tape."
Emma chuckled; the relief flowing through her body was like a tide being loosened from the sea. Air rushed into her lungs filling them with life. Her voice sounded like it had come in from a fog. Life filled her again.
"I thought I was a terrible mother. And I thought–" She let one tear escape now, but realized it was a happy tear. "I thought you wanted to take her away. I was so afraid. That's why I ran. After all, it was only a hand-written will."
Mrs. Collin put her arms around Emma. "Perhaps if we'd come and she was crying and dirty, and bruised, we might have thought that way. But anyone can see, she's been well cared for."
Cal came through the front door just then and Sammie Jo jumped out of Mr. Collins arms and ran to him. "Papa."
&
nbsp; Cal flushed bright red but scooped her up into his arms. "Hello there Sweet Pea."
"Dad, this is Mr. and Mrs. Collins, Sammie Jo's grandparents."
"Oh, excuse me," he said and started to put the baby down.
"Don't on our account." Mr. Collins smiled. "We can see she adores you."
"Goes both ways," Cal countered smoothing Sammie Jo's curls from her face.
"Papa, horsey?"
"No darlin', not now. Maybe tomorrow we'll ride the horse. She loves horses." Cal explained sitting down on the couch beside Mr. Collins.
Emma stayed up way into the night talking with Mrs. Collins after Deke insisted they stay at the ranch for the weekend. Sammie Jo conked out in Emma's lap, a satisfied smile to her lips as she snuggled in her arms.
"Tell me about Kate. I so want to know her," Mrs. Collins insisted.
Deke was in the kitchen polishing his boots, but Emma couldn't be rude and not talk about Kate.
"She was twenty when she . . ."
"What made her decide to have the baby, I mean, if she knew she was sick."
Emma slumped back into the rocker, her eyes misting with memories she hadn't shared with anyone until now. Her voice was choked. She hadn't talked about Kate to anyone. "Mrs. Collins, you would have loved her."
"Please, please call me Margaret."
"All right, Margaret. Kate was full of life, never letting her illness get the best of her. Even when she was younger. She tried everything, playing softball, skating, dancing. She'd do anything. Sometimes she'd pay for doing them, but she'd keep on doing it, if she enjoyed it. She was so full of life, such a risk taker. When she found out she was pregnant, she changed, grew up a little, I guess. Still full of exuberance, but more thoughtful. She decided for herself, after her parents begged her not to try to have the child. She said it was her one and only chance at motherhood and God must have deemed it so. She wouldn't have missed it for the world. Oh, I wish you could have met her too. She was the most wonderful mother in the world. How she loved her baby."
"I only wish, Joel–"
Emma nodded, "I know. But in all fairness, Kate knew what she was doing. Only–it was the only time I know of in all her life that she actually thought things would work out. She thought Joel would marry her. Even before she knew she was pregnant."
