by Ryan Michele
Greer was right. As much as I hated to admit it, he was right. They were too public with their affections for it not to be. Crow wouldn’t be kissing the woman in front of all his brothers if it wasn’t real.
Maybe I was meant to be on the outside always looking in. Maybe my destiny was to wander through life unfulfilled. Maybe the fire inside of me, the one fueled by pain, was meant to burn bright while the longing would never be gone.
I had a thirst for life, for love, for family. I had it all.
In Sumner.
For a bit, I allowed my naivety to win. I allowed my stupid heart to believe the words he told me.
But when one drowning in pain had a taste of peace, they would do anything to hold onto it… at least until they found a long-term way to dull the hurt.
I was a taste of peace for him.
A momentary comfort.
What we had wasn’t real. I could see that with Sophia.
I looked over at my dad who was in a heated conversation and not paying attention. Neither were Cruz, Cooper, Nox or Ryker, who were involved with a game of pool.
At least there was that. Nothing like being completely humiliated in front of an entire club only to have it be in front of your family as well.
This meant though, that my time here was done. Not a single reason for me to stay.
Straightening my spine, I moved to the table I left earlier with my family. “Didn’t Nox drive here in a GMC?”
The table all looked at each other. “Yeah, his bike had bad fuel. Had to flush the system, and he didn’t want to deal with sputtering on the ride here so better safe than sorry. Why?” Austyn answered me. I needed to go and get as far away from Rebellion as I could. This game, I couldn’t be a part of anymore. Twice he kissed her. Twice. With me in the same airspace. With my family here. What would happen when I wasn't here? Did he fuck her too? On the same bed sheets as me?
The second kiss changed everything. The talking portion of this relationship went flying out the window and landed in a pit of fire disintegrating into dust. He threw everything away. He disrespected me. Fuck it killed.
“Great. Can we leave?”
My mother’s eyes widened in surprise. “I thought you were staying here.”
I grabbed my mother’s hand and squeezed letting her know with everything inside of me that I was hanging on by a thread and needed to get as far away from here as I could. “I need to go home. Can you please get me there?”
Mom’s eyes searched my face then went over to Crow. Sophia was now standing next to him, gazing up and smiling, her hand on his arm. “Oh,” Mom said, and it made me relax just a touch that she hadn’t seen the kiss. From the looks of everyone else at the table, they didn’t either.
“It’s fine. I just want to go home.” It was a partial lie, the fine part, and I hated doing it, but desperate times called for desperate measures. Any more time in this place and I’d either be destroyed or make sobbing sounds like a fool. Neither were an option.
“Maybe you should go and talk to him,” Bristyl chipped in, leaning into the table. “I mean that’s his kid’s mom, so they’re gonna be close.”
“Just want to go home.” She didn’t see Crow and Sophia’s kiss either. She didn’t feel the burn of it, and I wasn’t going to add in that information. That would lead to my family getting pissed off, and that wasn’t going to happen. If they knew what he did, their reaction would be a complete one-eighty.
Plus, it would make me feel like a bigger chump than I already felt. “I have some cases to work on.”
That was true. The missing girl case was still ongoing. There were Penny and two boys that I needed to speak to and find out what they saw.
“Are you sure about this?” Carsyn, the quiet one, spoke up surprising me. She hadn’t said much the entire time. “Maybe talking to him first would be best.”
“I am going to talk to him and tell him that I’m going. I have a key to his house to get the stuff I bought.” Come to think of it, he bought it because I had no cash on me. Therefore, it wasn’t mine. Just like he wasn’t mine. No way I’d keep any of that shit. “Never mind. I just want to go like this.”
My mom could see it, and I didn’t want her to. The way her face was getting soft, it couldn’t happen. And if she caught on to everything, Austyn would be next. Thank God, Princess wasn’t sitting here or I’d be fucked. That woman could read you by glancing at you. No bullshit there. A glance and you were fucked.
“Ry. This isn’t good,” Austyn said eyeing me. Yep, she was getting it.
I rose from my chair telling everyone it was time. I had to find a quiet place to have the breakdown that needed to happen. “I’m going to tell him I’m leaving with you. I’d really, really appreciate it if you could get everyone ready to go and out the door on the double.”
With deep sighs, my family broke off and spoke to their men. My father’s glare on me was the hardest, and I just gave him a soft smile. We all started heading for the door, but pulling out everything I’d learned in Ravage, my strength was on high alert as I stopped next to Crow and Sophia.
Crow jolted when I touched his arm, like he forgot I was there at the clubhouse. Like I was a nuisance or one of the club mommas who shouldn’t be touching him. Not like the woman who’d been sharing his bed.
That fucking killed. Invisible. That was exactly what I felt. Vapor. Nonexistent. Nothing.
Once bitten, twice shy. Fuck that.
Instead of crying, I held onto the anger and plastered on a wide smile. “Sorry to interrupt.” Not really, but I was rolling with it. Hell, I couldn’t even muster up a smartass comment. But I guessed that was what happened when your heart no longer existed because it’d been burned to ash. “I’m taking off with my family and just wanted to say bye.”
Looking up at Crow, his eyes blinked a couple of times, something working behind them, then his face appeared stricken, turning hard to Sophia then to me. “What?” he bit off, turning his back to Sophia who I didn’t dare look at. There was no need for her to know that I saw them. That seeing it broke something inside of me. Something that was never given to anyone before. It would just give her more ammunition. Hell, she’d probably pull him in for another kiss right in front of me to put salt in the wound. If that happened, she’d be in for a very rude awakening. Member or not, I was Ravage, and we didn’t put up with that shit.
Raising my chin, I fired, “I’m going home with my family. I’m really sorry about your dad. Thank you for having me.” Thank you for having me? Seriously Ry, what the fuck was that?
He glowered. “You’re not leaving.”
He came toward me, but I took a step back. A hard arm wrapped around my chest and judging from the tattoos, it was my father. I closed my eyes, not wanting whatever this to happen. My father was already pissed. We didn’t need this added into it. “She wants to go. She’s goin’,” my father growled, pulling me out of the clubhouse with Crow on our heels.
I tried dragging my feet to get my father to stop, which I didn’t understand why I did, but he just picked me up higher so I wasn’t touching the ground. He placed me next to Nox’s SUV, and Crow was there. Pissed as all hell. Fury all over him like I’d never seen before.
Even with the anger I felt, there was no energy to fight what was happening here. He didn’t love me and the sooner I came to terms with that, the better off my heart would be.
I’d remembered everything Greer told me and my decision to hear him out. I remembered hotel sex, eating pizza out of a box, him needing me, greeting everyone who came to his home, him asking me to stay with him in Rebellion. The feelings for me that I swore I saw in his eyes.
Then I remembered the first kiss between him and his true love, I witnessed when I wasn’t supposed to. Then the one in front of all his brothers, my family seconds from seeing.
Fuck, it tore at me. Never knew pain like this before. It was very similar to the death of a loved one. Having them ripped out of your life and learning what your n
ew normal would be without them.
I’d have to do the same thing when it came to Crow.
He’d no longer exist for me. My nose started to burn, and throat began to close.
I let my pain connect with his. I let passion fuel our fire.
What I didn’t do was use my head. What I didn’t do was guard my heart.
Shame on me.
Fool me once, shit happens.
I was Rylynn Hutton, and I wouldn’t get fooled again.
I was the firstborn daughter to Rhys Hutton and tough as they came.
Swallowing down my anger, my betrayal, my hurt, I took in everything. All the emotions, I let them well up inside me and then I took one deep, long breath.
Push that shit down to the very depths of my soul. Get through until I could get back to reality.
Once upon a time, I believed in fairy tales.
Then life kicked me in the teeth.
Once upon a time, I believed I could have love.
Then I felt the realities of a broken heart.
Once upon a time, I would have done anything for the man they called Crow.
That all vanished in a doorway with a single kiss.
And in that very moment, I made a vow to myself. A vow to my pain.
No one would ever see me hurt, no one would ever feel my heart. And no one would have me again.
Keeping my smile on my face and even with my father next to me, I looked up at Crow, anger pouring out of him, and I had no idea what was in mine. What I felt was devastation. Pain. Agony. Death. Heartbreak.
But in the end, this was what was best. He could be with Sophia and Greer. Add in little Van, they had their ready-made family.
I walked to Crow knowing this would be the last time I ever saw him again. Knowing that even if I did see him again, I would turn and go the other way. Knowing that I loved him in a way that would never be forgotten until I took my last breath. He held my heart and didn’t even know it. He’d also crushed it.
Every thought seared into me like a brand burning my soul and scarring it for life. They would never heal. They would be there for whatever life threw at me for the years to come. The marks would become pieces of me, and over time I’d deal. It was what life was. A series of ups and downs that developed a person stronger than the day before.
It wasn’t the time to bring up the kisses and throw them in his face. As much as I itched too, that wouldn’t happen. I didn’t want his last memory of me to be me bitching and screaming at him. Even if he tore my heart out, that wasn’t how I wanted to go out. I had too much pride in myself for it.
Maybe if I’d have said yes to him about staying right away, he wouldn’t have kissed another woman. I didn’t know the answer to that and the could’ve, would’ve, should’ve was a dangerous game. That I knew, but it was hard not to think.
Holding everything in, I clutched on to his hands holding them between us, feeling how rough and strong his were, remembering how they felt on my body. “You are a wonderful man, Crow. When you let someone in, you’re the most caring man I’ve met. You go all in, and I’ve felt it. I felt you.” Shit, this was hard. My hands started to shake, but I couldn’t stop them. “But this is where our paths go different ways. You have a family in there who loves you. Let them in and love them back. Be happy, Crow. Your dad would want that for you.”
“What are you talking about, Ry? This isn’t…”
I lifted up and kissed his lips a final time, putting every bit of what I was feeling into it. Telling him without words how much I loved him and how hurt I was that he didn’t feel the same way because if he did, those kisses would’ve never happened.
Thoughts of moments ago when another woman’s lips were in the same place, it came crashing down on me once more. Rolling down I stepped out of his grasp as he lunged for me, but my father got in his way.
“Dad. Don’t.” The tone must’ve cut through to him, to both of them because they stopped. “I don’t want this.”
“Why are you leaving, Ry? This makes no sense.”
Giving him the best smile I could, I said, “So you can be with your family.” Only then did I get in the SUV, and Nox took off out of the gate.
I didn’t look back because I knew if I did, I’d want to run into his arms. That wasn’t an option anymore. He wasn’t mine. No matter how much I willed it to be different, it didn’t work. I’d never be considered second best. I deserved a man who put me first. And Crow didn’t. It was disrespectful of him to kiss her at his home. It was a thousand times worse to do it in his club with all his brothers around, when they knew I’d been at his place the last few days playing hostess.
I’d seen love between two people. How it grew and changed over the years. Even how knowing someone your whole life turned into the one you were meant to be with. All of it I’d either seen or been told with the stories of how the Ravage MC ol’ ladies found their men.
Crow needed his time with Sophia to work out whatever was going on between them. They loved each other. Had a kid together. I wasn’t a part of that and never would be.
Never knew how much heartbreak could hurt. To know the man you loved, loved someone else. I didn’t know how much it would tear at your insides, scaring you for life. Never knew that letting something go would mean losing yourself in the process.
Only after we got out of Rebellion did I allow the tears to fall freely down my cheeks.
And I did it the entire way back to Sumner.
11
Crow
“Kevin, make it gone.”
There was no hesitation in his voice, but considering we were on the phone and not in person, he couldn’t tell my current mood, which was deteriorating fast. Fuck, it hadn’t gotten any better since last night, and this fucker was on my last nerve. “I’m on it. I’ll have it done.”
“You’d better.” I hung up the phone, frustration building. Who the fuck was I kidding. I was already there ready to rip someone’s fucking head off.
Waking up this morning in the fucking safe room at the club just started the day off as shit. I was too drunk last night to go after Rylynn, and my brothers had to lock me down. That I was also pissed about.
“Brother!” Brewer called as I got on my bike, ready to take off and follow Rylynn. My step faltered. I knew I’d drank a lot, but didn’t think I was drunk. My head felt a bit off though. It was stupid to get on my bike, but I didn’t give a fuck.
Something was seriously wrong with this entire situation, and we needed to talk this out. She couldn’t go back to Sumner. She wasn’t going to give up on us.
Brewer, Wrong Way, Tex, Hornet and Rooster all ran up in front of my bike blocking me in.
“I’ll run you the fuck over. Get out of my way.”
“Sorry, brother, can’t let you do that,” Wrong Way said as I glared at him.
“Let me?” I ground out. “I’m the motherfuckin’ president of this club. You’ll move out of my fuckin’ way!”
They each looked at one another, and I’d thought they’d given in. Except they didn’t. All as one they descended on me, my bike crashing to the ground. Pissed wasn’t even the word for it. Livid. Punches were thrown and between all of them, they got me under control, but not my mouth.
“Let me the fuck go now!” I yelled as my brothers got me in the clubhouse and down the stairs. “You fuckin’ lock me in there, you’ll fuckin’ pay,” I growled, seeing the safe room next to my office in the basement’s door, wide and ready for someone to enter. It was a padded room with cameras on the inside. A bed and sink was there for any guests. It didn’t get used much, but apparently, that was where they were going to try to lock me up.
I’d fought. They won.
The next thing I remembered was waking up in that fucking place. The walls were too white and the room to fucking small. Confinement wasn’t my thing. These fuckers knew it, but they were doing me a solid even if I fucking hated it.
Unlucky for Ethan, he was the first one I saw and laid him ou
t with one punch to the eye. I was pissed at my brothers for it. Would be for a while, but took it out on Ethan immediately. The others stayed away, and I kept the door shut on my office not needing anyone’s shit.
They were all still going to hear from me.
Later that afternoon, there was surprisingly a knock at the door. Wonder who had the balls to come in here with me. Whoever it was had brass ones.
“What?”
The door swung open and Brewer stepped in, a gash above his eye and bruise on his jaw. Good. “Pissed?” he asked, lifting his brow and already knowing the fucking answer.
My already hot temper flared, ready to add to his cuts and bruises. “What do you think? Come close enough and I’ll fuckin’ show ya,” I challenged, wanting him to take me up on it.
“Will it help?”
This caught me as strange and made me pause. “What?”
He stepped forward proud as can be. “If you want to punch me... more. Do it. Get that shit out and get over it. It’s not gonna make any of the shit that happened last night go away.”
Fuck, the man was right. Hated that, but I still wanted to beat the fuck out of someone. I’d been trying to get my head on straight since I woke up and sort the shit with Rylynn out. It hadn’t gone well. There was nothing I could remember as to why she’d jump in the car with Nox and take off. Nor the tears she tried to hide that threatened to burst from her eyes.
“You goin’ after her?” he asked.
Not many men would call me out on something, but Brewer was the exception. Growing up together, he had more pull than I probably should let him. He wasn’t afraid to lay the reality at my feet and make me hear him. Didn’t mean that I didn’t want to shut his mouth up. I stayed silent because there wasn’t an answer to that yet. My mind was a jumble of thoughts pissing me off.
He sat in the chair in front of me crossing his foot over his knee. “You know we couldn’t let you go drunk last night. As much as you’re pissed, you know we did what we had to.”
“Fuck.” I rubbed my hands over my face. They had my back, and I beat the shit out of them. I wanted to continue to beat the shit out of them. It was a combination of everything though. It was all riding on me hard.
