by K C West
The motor home was crowded. Both the driver and passenger seats were swiveled, facing the interior of the coach. PJ sat on the passenger side, I on the driver’s. The crew were scattered on the sofa and on the floor. Sandy was at the computer. We discussed the project and future plans to the aroma of pizza and beer, a combination that heightened the camaraderie we felt as a crew. I had a glass of wine; the rest had beer, except PJ who, I noticed, poured herself a glass of iced tea.
Laine attempted to extol the virtues of anchovies, but was shouted down by the others. “That’s all right,” she said, “all the more for me.” She had brought her own can of the salty little fishes because she knew no one else would allow them near their pizza.
As the evening progressed and business was concluded, talk turned to other things, past experiences, and embarrassing moments. Despite PJ’s earlier indiscretion, the crew had rallied around her. She was obviously feeling comfortable again. I was happy about that because she had the potential to be a good archaeologist … I didn’t want to see her lose faith in herself or her ability.
I’d closed Pup in the bedroom earlier because I didn’t want the crew feeding him too much pizza, but now that it was all gone I brought him out and fed him good, big dog, fare, after which he socialized with everyone. It was amusing to watch him make the rounds, be noticed and petted before moving on and finally laying down in the hallway so that anyone going to the bathroom would have to step over him.
The crew left in ones and twos and with little fanfare, after all, we’d see each other on site in the morning. Soon there was just PJ and Sandy, who insisted on helping clean up the mess of empty pizza cartons, crushed beer cans, and the usual debris left after a gathering of mostly young people.
We had the motor home almost back to normal when Pup growled. The windows beside the door were open, inviting the breeze to enter, clear away the stale pizza and beer smells, and freshen the air. A red sports car pulled up in front. Now who in the heck… I opened the door and my world came crashing down around my ears.
“Hi, Babe, you’re a hard one to track.”
“Terry, what the hell are you doing here?”
“Hey, you never asked me that before. I was feeling horny, sweetheart. Who better to take care of me … than you?”
My face flushed with embarrassment, I pushed Terry from the door and followed her outside. “What are you thinking … coming here unannounced?” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sandy and PJ inside staring at each other as they hung on to Pup’s collar. If it weren’t such a disaster, it would have been funny.
“What are you so all fired mad about?”
“I have guests.”
“I see that.” Terry looked toward the window. “Hey, I like that little blonde. Bet she’s hot, huh? You got a little action going with her?”
“My personal life is none of your business. And, by the way, whatever happened to my replacement? Sylvia, I think her name was …”
“I was too much woman for her.” I tried to steer Terry away from the open window. She wasn’t moving. Too late anyway, I thought, they’ve heard more than enough to add two and two together.
“And since you’re not woman enough for me, I suggest you take your sorry ass back to wherever you came from.”
“Well, if that’s the reception I get for stopping by to say hello, then I’ll leave you with your little blonde.” She craned her neck toward the doorway and snickered. “And, a boy toy, too. Kim, you’re getting kinky in your old age.”
“Those people are colleagues, nothing more.”
“Oh, that’s right.” Terry slid her slim body into the driver’s seat. “I forgot that you’re still obsessed with that silly pursuit of yours. It eclipses all else in your life. I feel sorry for you, Doctor Blair.”
“Don’t…”
“You’re a laughing stock, you know that, don’t you?”
“Good bye, Terry.” I turned my back as she burned rubber, trailing a cloud of dust.
I glanced toward the motor home and the open windows. Sandy and PJ must have heard every word. They were gathering their stuff. Shit! What do I say to them?
“It’s okay,” Sandy said, the moment I stepped into the motor home. Where was the awkward silence I had expected? “We’ll see you in the morning,” he said, “at the site.”
PJ rested her hand on my arm. “Tomorrow’s a new day.”
I nodded.
“Kim? You okay?”
I smiled at the genuine concern reflected in PJ’s expression. “I’m, okay. Exhausted and in need of rest, but otherwise … fine.”
I sat, staring through the window, trying to read the shadowy bulk of the mountain and losing track of time. A book lay open in my lap but I was unable to concentrate on the words. Pup lay at my feet, opening an eye every now and then, checking up on me. Why did she have to come back and open old wounds? It wasn’t that I was in love with her any more. It was just the memory of the hurt. She had played with my affection as she had with others.
After a while I changed into my old scrub suit and crawled into bed. It was a warm night and I was restless. I threw off the covers and after what seemed like hours I must have dropped off.
I awakened, soaked in perspiration as always when I had these dreams. They were so realistic. I was aware of having cried out, but there was no one close enough to hear me. It was a little after three and the motor home was dark and quiet, except that Pup must have picked up on my restlessness. He couldn’t seem to settle. I needed a strong cup of tea. Tonight’s dream had been the most vivid to date, and the most frightening. It had reached beyond the dream state and into the dark space of a nightmare. If only there was someone I could talk to about it, but I wasn’t ready for that. I couldn’t really explain it to myself yet.
Chapter Nine
After leaving Kim’s, Sandy and I agreed to meet at my motel for that long overdue talk. I worried if it was wise to select a motel room for our discussion, but I hadn’t had any time to find a more public place to chat that could still give us privacy. It was either my place or his and he shared an apartment with three other students. I had a fairly good idea of what I wanted to say and I trusted him to be the responsible gentleman he had always been with me.
We settled into the captain’s chairs at a circular table near the window.
Sandy, I’m sorry…for everything. You’re such a sweet guy, the least I can do is offer you a drink.
“There’s beer, cola or water in the mini-fridge. Pick your poison.”
“Water’s fine, PJ. I had beer with my pizza.”
I found two bottles of cold water and placed them on the table. We uncapped them in silence and took several long swallows.
“May I go first?” I wiped my wet hands on my pant legs.
“Absolutely.”
Okay. If I want to cover both issues, I’d better get right to the point. “I want to apologize about the other night—”
“Really, you don’t have to—”
“But first I want to ask if you’re okay with what just happened over at Kim’s? You seemed kinda quiet afterward.”
“You mean this visitor of hers?”
“Yeah.”
He shrugged and took another swallow. “Sure. I think so. I mean it was a surprise and all. Did you know she was gay?”
“No, not really. Doc is a very private person. We were kind of like oil and water when we first met. I managed to give her several other problems to worry about after that.”
“She seems to have had a history with the woman, but they didn’t act too friendly toward each other tonight.”
I shifted in my seat. “It’s Kim’s personal business, really. She’s still our boss, still the director of the project. Her private life doesn’t change that.”
He tapped the table lightly with his fingers. “Oh, you don’t have to worry about me, PJ. Doc is the greatest. I think the world of her and I’m gonna show up tomorrow and do my job just like usual. It surprised me, that’
s all. I’ll be fine. You sound pretty protective of her all of a sudden, though. Are you okay with it?”
“Me? Sure. I was…well … you know, she looked so embarrassed when she came back in and a little sad. It bothered me to see her that way.” Why does it still bother me?
He nodded and smiled. “Good, then. We both agree. Doc Blair is no different than she was before we found out about this Terry person. We’re gonna work just as hard tomorrow…”
“And, if she wants to share any information about her personal life, then we’ll be there for her as friends.”
“Absolutely.”
Well, that wasn’t so bad.
We both exhaled and drank more water.
I studied Sandy’s face, noting the bronze glow of his skin and the sparkle in his pale blue eyes. Such an open, honest face. Stephen’s looks were darker, more guarded; even his eyes were a darker shade of blue. I couldn’t imagine having a discussion with him about the personal life of my colleague. Stephen would have lost interest after two sentences.
“Now, about my behavior at The Oasis and afterward…”
Sandy leaned forward on his elbows, his folded hands supporting up his chin. He was trying to suppress a grin at my discomfort. “Yes?”
I gave him a shaky laugh. “I don’t remember too much about what happened actually.”
“Well, I can—”
I held up my hand and he grasped it gently. “Wait! I do remember a lot of what went on in the bar, it’s just the afterward part that I’m a little hazy on.”
He gave my hand a squeeze. Oh, gawd. It’s getting so warm in here!
“I behaved badly, Sandy. When I get too drunk, I get rather… urn…”
“Affectionate?”
My neck felt hot. Superstition Mountain was bathed in the rosy glow reflecting from the sun setting to the west. It rivaled the color I felt in my cheeks. “Yeah.” I pulled my hand away.
Sandy grinned. “It’s all right, PJ. These things happen. I tried to warn you about the potency of those coolers.”
And as usual, I didn’t listen.
“That’s another thing. I showed very poor judgment … made several bad decisions. It won’t happen again. I remember coming on to you, practically undressing us both in front of Mikey.”
“And he’s still traumatized, let me tell you.”
I brushed back my bangs. “Sandy, don’t make jokes. If you hadn’t been mature enough to resist, we’d have both done something regrettable.”
He leaned forward again, his expression serious. “PJ, I stopped because it wouldn’t have been right…”
“I agree.”
“Then.”
Oh Geesh. Here it comes…
He picked up my hand again, turned it over and placed a soft kiss on my palm. “You’re not drunk now and I got the impression that you and Stephen were finished.”
I swallowed and felt my eyes moisten. “Please Sandy, listen to me. This isn’t going to work.”
He hesitated, still holding my hand. “I know I couldn’t really trust your actions toward me that night, but I had hoped … that maybe… Look, I know I’m not rich or sophisticated like the guys you’ve been with, but I thought-“
“It isn’t that, believe me. You’re light years ahead of all of them.”
His brow wrinkled. “Then, what is it? Do you doubt my sincerity? I think you’re gorgeous and smart and sexy as hell.”
I managed to reclaim my hand. “Thanks.”
“You’re saying there’s no chance? I’m really attracted to you, PJ. I was hoping against hope that you felt something for me.”
Oh, Damn…this is so hard. “Sandy, I’m so sorry. I don’t feel that way about you. And I won’t give you false hopes.”
He sighed, and picked up his empty plastic bottle, squeezing it so hard its sides collapsed with a sharp crack. “I see. I should have realized.”
I reached over and removed the smashed container. “I’m trying to explain, but there really isn’t any easy way. I like you very much Sandy, just not in that way. Right now, I’m trying to concentrate on my career. I want to prove I’ve got what it takes to succeed. I don’t want any romantic entanglements.”
There was pain in his eyes. “So, the timing is wrong?”
Shit, I used to be able to dump guys without breaking a sweat. Can I be sensitive?
“The timing for us will always be wrong. You have been a good friend to me and I really want that friendship to continue.”
The muscles in his jaw worked back and forth. I watched him struggle to compose himself and my heart ached.
“Sandy, I never wanted to hurt you. I really need you in my life as a friend. I’ve had so few true friends. We got off to a good start, didn’t we, working on the transmission and all the kidding on the rides to work?”
He nodded and glanced away.
What else could I tell him? There’s just no spark between us, not now that I’ve finally learned to look beyond the physical aspects of a relationship. Oh, crap!
We sat in silence for several seconds. Finally, he cleared his throat, took a deep breath and flashed a weak version of that familiar grin.
“Well … uh … I guess there’s nothing more to be said. Can’t blame a guy for trying, right?” His eyes locked with mine.
I was relieved to see his spirit return. “I realize that you took a risk by telling me how you felt, Sandy. I know it changes things between us right now, but I hope that, in the future, we can still work together as friends and colleagues.”
“I guess,” he murmured without much enthusiasm.
How do I make him understand?
“Sandy, you have a bright future ahead of you. You don’t need my reputation tarnishing all that you’ve worked so hard for up to now.”
“PJ.”
“It’s a complication that would screw up your career big time. Trust me, I speak from experience.”
“Okay.” He held his hands up in defeat. “Okay, I believe you. It’s just a little painful right now. Give me some time, okay? I’ll work on it… this friendship thing.”
“Good. It’s for the best, you’ll see.”
He stood up. “It’s been a long day … and night.” His eyes lingered for a second on my bed. “I’d better go.”
I walked him to the door, my hand rubbing lightly against the small of his back. “So, I’ll see you at camp, tomorrow, bright and early?”
“Yeah … sure. Tomorrow.”
We faced each other with awkward looks. “Are friends allowed to give each other a hug goodnight?” he asked.
I grinned. “Absolutely. It’s in the rule book.” I moved into his embrace, letting my head tuck under his chin, inhaling the pleasant scent of his soap and cologne.
His arms tightened around my back and we stayed connected for several moments, and then we separated.
“You give very good hugs, friend,” I told him.
“Thanks. I do my best.”
“We both will. Friendships take a lot of effort.”
He dipped his head. “Yeah.” With a little wave, he was gone.
I closed the door and leaned my back against it, replaying the last few minutes of his departure. There was a point at which I could have leaned into him more … let him touch my cheek … and kiss me. The chance was there, for an instant, but we both resisted.
I did the right thing. Sandy is a good man, but he’s not the one for me.
I sighed and folded my arms across my chest. Is there one out there someplace who is just right for me?
I took a shower and slipped an oversize white tee shirt over my head. My thoughts bounced back and forth between the talk with Sandy and Kim’s unplanned visitor. Clearly relationships were not easy to maintain. Lovers came and went. I hoped Sandy would still regard me as a friend and that Kim would not be afraid to talk to me if she felt the need. A piece of her mysterious past had returned to haunt her in a sudden and alarming way. I had seen the pain in her eyes when she came back into th
e motor home. This Terry woman had caused her grief sometime in the past. Anger rose up inside me at the thought.
I stretched out under the covers and stared at the ceiling. “We humans are a complicated species, aren’t we? We struggle through life, trying to do our jobs and find someone to comfort and love us. It doesn’t matter if we’re gay or straight. We all just want to belong, to have friends and share ourselves with someone special.”
I sighed and shut my eyes. Kim had shown me friendship and trust. She stood up for me with my father and allowed me to keep working after I had sabotaged our efforts. My job now would be to help her professionally … and personally, if she’d let me. I could do that. I could be her friend.
When I arrived in camp the next morning, the silence in the main tent was deafening. Sandy and Kim gave me brief glances and continued to concentrate on their work.
Well, it seems that it’s easy to say we’ll carry on as usual, but to actually do it is another thing. Sandy is glued to the computer. His ego is still a bit bruised from my rejection. And he’s afraid to talk to Kim. She isn’t the most talkative woman on a normal morning. And, after last night, she must be expecting us to act like she has two heads.
Pup gave me his usual greeting, but even he seemed uncomfortable with the unnatural silences.
Okay. I can try to get them talking.
I plastered a hearty smile on my face and fixed us tea. Sandy reviewed Geographic Information Systems data on the laptop. I put his mug on the table to his right.
“There ya go, Cowboy.”
He nodded. “Thanks, PJ.”
“You doing okay?”
He took a swallow from his mug. “Yeah, okay.”
I squeezed his shoulder. “Good. Uh, I see you’ve got new maps from the database. That system is something the way it can layer geographical data like that.”
“Yeah.”
Well, that went well. Sandy, you’re a regular chatterbox.
“So, you can really tell different anomalies from those blips and graphs? I’m afraid I wasn’t in on the initial plotting of the water trails. Is that the line for the ancient creek bed?”
