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DISASTER REVISITED
By DARIUS JOHN GRANGER
[Transcriber Note: This etext was produced from Amazing Stories March1957. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S.copyright on this publication was renewed.]
A time can come when jumping is all that's left.]
[Sidenote: _It annoyed Jason Wall that everybody talked about death butnobody did anything about it. So he decided to eliminate the peskynuisance. But in the end he longed for a chance to say, "Fellas--I wasonly kidding!"_]
"Tell me the truth, doctor," Jason Wall said. "We've known each othertoo long for lies."
The doctor nodded slowly, lit a cigarette and offered Jason Wall one."Yes, we've known each other a long time--long enough so I know thetruth, or anything you want, can't be kept from you."
Jason Wall smiled. He was a small, sparse man, very hard of eye andgaunt of face. He was about forty-five years old.
"Then here it is," the doctor said uneasily. "You're going to die,Jason. Eighteen months, maybe two years at the outside. There isabsolutely no chance for a cure."
Jason Wall turned to the window and finished smoking his cigarette.Outside, children were playing, the sun was shining, and a postman cameby humming a gay tune. Jason Wall turned back to face the room and hisown grim reality. "Shall I consult specialists? I can buy--"
The doctor shrugged. "You can, if you wish. I already have, on thebiopsy."
"Pain?" Jason Wall asked.
The doctor nodded, yes. "Progressively worse. We'll be giving younarcotics the last six months or so."
Jason Wall pursed his thin lips. His gaunt face seemed, if anything,gaunter. That was the only sign that he had just been given his deathsentence. He said: "Blast it, doctor, it isn't fair! It isn't fair, Itell you. I'm a rich man. Maybe the richest man in the world. I can buyanything--anything, you hear me?" His voice went low suddenly, so lowthat the doctor could hardly hear it. "Anything but my health. Becausedon't let them tell you a man can't buy happiness. That's for sale too,doctor. Anything is--except a man's health. Blast it, it isn't fair.I've everything to live for."
The doctor said: "At least you're fortunate in one way. There'll be nowidow, no orphaned children, no--"
"Family!" scoffed the doomed Jason Wall. "You think that's happiness?You think it matters?" He laughed, and there was nothing hystericalabout the laughter. "You don't know what happiness is. None of you do.Happiness and selfishness, they're the same thing. The most successfulmen realize that, doctor. I realize I'm not exactly the world's bestloved man. It doesn't matter, I tell you. It doesn't matter at all." Hewent to the window again, watched the children at play. "But that isn'tfair. That's the hardest thing to take."
"Yes? What is?"
"Those children. The rest of the world. Out there. Playing. They don'tknow I'm going to die. If they knew, they wouldn't care. That hurts morethan anything. Doctor, I tell you the world ought to weep when JasonWall dies. It ought to wear black."
"Mr. Wall, I know you won't mind my saying you're the most egotisticalman I've ever met."
"Mind? I'm delighted. A man ought to be self-centered. Shall we say, tenthousand dollars?"
"Ten thousand--"
"Your fee, for telling me the truth. For telling me I'm going to die.For not keeping it back."
"My fee is fifty dollars, Mr. Wall."
"You'll take ten thousand. I give what I want, doctor, so I feel free totake what I want. Ten thousand dollars. You'll have your check in themorning. Thank you."
"I'm sorry, Mr. Wall," the doctor said.
Jason Wall left the office grumbling.
* * * * *
Eve came to him that night wearing the stone marten cape he'd given herfor Christmas. She was a tall, regal blonde, long-legged and gorgeous.She was half a head taller than Jason Wall, was from Iowa, and had wonthe Miss Universe contest two years before. Naturally, since she'd beenvoted the world's most beautiful woman, Jason Wall had had to possessher. He'd given her an outright gift of half a million dollars, andwhile most girls would have taken that and gone their way, Eve wasdifferent. Eve only knew it was a ripple on the surface of Jason Wall'sbought happiness. She'd hung around for more. For much more.
"Drink?" Jason Wall asked.
"The usual."
* * * * *
They drank. The butler brought dinner, and they ate. Then there was abottle of brandy, and cigarettes, and love play. Finally Eve said: "Youseem restless tonight, Jason darling."
"Do I?"
"I ought to know. I know you better than anyone else does."
"You don't know me at all. No one does, I've seen to it."
"Is anything the matter?"
"Eve, you've never lied to me. That's one of the things about you Ialways admired, aside from your more obvious charms. Tell me, what wouldyou do if I died?"
"Don't even talk like that!"
"Posh! Don't make believe you're sentimental. I want the truth. Whatwould you do if I died in a year or two?"
"I--I don't even want to think about it."
"Actress! Bah!" Jason Wall grabbed her wrist, twisting cruelly.
"Jason, you--you're hurting me!"
"Then tell me the truth. What would you do if I died?" His tone wasurgent.
"I'd be--sad."
"Blast it, of course you'd be sad. I've given you the sort of life agirl dreams about. But what would you do?"
"I--Jason, really!"
"Would you hook onto another man? Another rich man? You'd have to settlefor second best, you know. I'm the richest man there is. But don't thinkI haven't seen how some of my business associates have been eying you.Don't think--"
"Jason, my arm."
"Then tell me what I want to know."
"All right. All right, I'll tell you. You've shown me what the good lifeis, Jason. I wouldn't want to be without it for long. I--I'd hook ontosomeone else, as you say."
Jason Wall smiled. "Thank you," he said sincerely. "Thank you so muchfor being honest."
He made love like a college sophomore that night. Eve was quitepleasantly startled.
* * * * *
Later that week and for the next month or so, he thought of suicide. Thetrouble was, he had never been able to stand pain. A weakness. The oneweakness he had. When he thought of the pain which would surely come,when he thought of the last few months of his life, which would bespent, pain-wracked, on his death bed, his thoughts leaned most stronglytoward suicide. Yes, suicide was the obvious way out, and Jason Wall hadneither religious nor moral scruples about it.
Jason Wall had religious scruples, or moral scruples, about nothingunder the sun. He was an utterly egocentric man.
But when his thoughts of suicide were strongest he would remember whathe'd seen from the doctor's window. Children at play, delighting intheir simple pleasures. A postman at work, contented with his lot,humming gayly. Or, he would send for Eve, and take from her body what hecraved. And, when it was over, he felt a strange, hollow sense of loss.No, he would tell himself with complete objectivity (he had always beenthoroughly objective) not exactly loss. A sense, rather, of lostpossession, of something which belonged to Jason Wall, as his lifebelonged uniquely to him, and would be taken away at his death. He triedto imagine Eve in someone else's arms, Eve dancing with a younger man,drinking with him, making love. A rage of jealousy flooded him, not forthe particular man lucky enough to win Eve, but for the world. Foreverything in it.
For the whole blasted world, Jason Wall told himself.
He'd made his own world, fashioned it with the sweat of his brow and thecunning of his brain. But ultimately, it did not matter. He was going todie, to die in great pain. It wasn't fair that the rest of the worldshould go right on living, enjoying the life that Jason Wall had barelybegun to taste. They'd see an article in the newspaper, perhaps. FamousTycoon Dies. In a day, a week, they would forget. They would go onliving out their little lives, enjoying their little enjoyments. But thesum total of them--three billion men,
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