by Tom Nicoll
“You that gets it in the neck?” repeated Karen. “You want to try having a dozen people yelling in your earpiece all day.”
“Yeah, well, this is what happens when you buy cheap equipment,” muttered Bill.
While Bill grumbled away and continued to hit things, Zizi hovered over the campfire cooking everyone a victory meal. One of our rewards for winning was an entire chicken. Lexi and I had both offered to cook but Zizi had insisted. Which was handy because neither of us knew the first thing about cooking a chicken.
“I think that might be it…” said Bill.
I quickly ran a hand through my hair and pressed the Time-Out button again. Bill let out a series of words, which ironically you wouldn’t want aired on TV.
“I’m just struggling to see Cruul’s angle in all this,” said Lexi. “Let’s look at the facts. First he saves Milo, then he saves me… OK … almost saves me. But think about it. If he’s still in league with the Horsewomen, why try to save the lives of two of the people who helped bring the Horsewomen down?”
I decided to turn the argument back on her. “So it’s not at all suspicious that two of the people who helped bring the Horsewomen down have both needed their lives saving?”
“Not really,” she said. “I mean it’s obviously a dangerous show. We’re on an island with no health and safety laws. This is probably a reality TV producer’s dream. And I can’t see how he’d have been able to make sure Milo landed in the sea.”
“Are you really telling me you don’t think Cruul’s in on this?” I asked, unable to hide my disbelief. “That it’s just a coincidence that the Horsewomen’s right-hand man comes on a reality TV show on the island home to their weird hooded followers?”
“No,” she said. “That’s not what I’m saying. Of course Cruul’s up to something. I just can’t see what it is. Nothing he’s doing makes any sense. Not that he’s actually doing much. Milo still hasn’t seen him acting out of the ordinary, has he?”
“Not that he’s mentioned anyway,” I said.
Lexi gave me a funny look. “What do you mean by that?”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “I’m just starting to wonder if Milo is giving this his full attention. While he’s spending his days building stuff, what’s Cruul up to? Are you seriously saying that Cruul hasn’t done a single thing worth reporting to us since he got here? I bet you anything he was under one of those hoods.”
“But Milo would have heard him leaving camp,” said Lexi. “He’s a light sleeper, remember?”
“Maybe,” I said. “Or maybe he’s got too close to Cruul. Maybe he’s fallen for the Nice Guy Nigel act and he’s not noticing things he should any more?”
Lexi frowned and was about to reply when she was interrupted by the sound of a celebrating Bill.
“Ha! We’re back in business,” he cried. “Must have been the last thump that did it. If you ask me, it’s this island. Its magnetic fields must be out of whack or something.”
“Finally,” groaned Karen.
I decided against pushing the Time-Out button again. Lexi looked at me, her face full of frustration. Clearly she wanted to defend Milo. “You’re wrong,” was all she could say. I only hoped she was right.
“Dinner’s almost ready!” Zizi shouted over.
“There’s one other treat before that,” said Karen, handing my sister her tablet. “This is for Lexi. Though I guess it’ll be of interest to you too, Sam.”
“What are we supposed to do with this?” she asked. But before Karen could answer, the tablet started to ring. Lexi swiped the screen and two familiar faces appeared.
“MUM! DAD!” she shouted.
“Lexi!” they shouted back. “Sam!”
I couldn’t believe it. It felt like forever since I’d last seen my parents. Seeing their faces again made me realize how much I’d missed them.
“Lexi, are you all right?” asked Dad. “We couldn’t believe it when we saw what happened.”
“I’m fine,” said Lexi. “Just a few scratches, nothing serious.”
“Nothing serious?” repeated Mum. “You were almost eaten by an alligator.”
“Honestly, I’m OK,” said Lexi.
“It’d take more than that to stop our little girl,” said Dad.
“Not that much more…” admitted Lexi.
“I’ve just been on the phone with the production company,” said Mum. “Giving them a piece of my mind. That’s why they agreed to let us talk to you. Don’t believe any of their rubbish about rewarding you. That was all just to shut me up.”
“Well, we’re glad to see you anyway,” said Lexi.
“And, Sam, how are you getting on?” asked Dad.
“I’ve not had anything try to eat me,” I said. “So better than some, I guess.”
“You’re coming across so well,” said Mum.
“I am?” I said.
“He is?” said Lexi.
“Of course,” said Mum. “You’re all anyone’s talking about.”
“Why?” Lexi and I asked together.
“Yeah, why?” asked Zizi, looking up from the fire.
“All those bits where you fall on your face…” said Mum. “And watching you put up that tent. You’re comedy gold.”
“Oh and there’s the fishing!” Dad laughed.
I had to think for a moment what he was talking about. “Fishing? From the other day?” I said.
My parents nodded. “Well, and yesterday too,” said Mum.
Yesterday? “But I didn’t—” I began.
“It’s so funny, watching you struggle to catch something every day,” interrupted Dad. “That bit where the stick whacks you in the face. It still creases me up thinking about it. You’ve become a memo!”
“A memo?” I said. “What are you talking about?”
“Not a memo.” Mum sighed. “A meme. You’ve become a meme. There’s clips of you all over the internet.”
“That’s right,” said Dad proudly. “You’ve gone infected!”
“Viral, dear,” corrected Mum. “Anyway, you’re doing a great job. Keep it up.”
It suddenly occurred to me then that the AIA might be using my parents to communicate. “Um … any other messages?” I asked. “Of support, I mean.”
“No, not really,” said Mum. “Actually, there was something else we had to say to Lexi.”
My parents put on their stern faces.
“Your judo instructor Mr Yoshida called,” said Mum. “He told us you missed a few practices.”
Lexi stared at them blankly. “I’ve been on a desert island, Mum.”
“Very funny,” said Mum. “He meant before you left. He says you skipped every class last week. Is that true?”
Lexi looked away and made a non-committal grunting sound.
“What’s going on?” asked Dad.
“Nothing,” she said. “I just wasn’t feeling well.”
“Are you sure that’s all it is?” said Mum.
“Yes!” snapped Lexi.
Mum and Dad’s heads rotated to the right as we heard someone mumbling something at their end. “Oh, apparently that’s our time up,” said Dad. “I guess we’ll speak to you again soon.”
“Yeah, bye then,” muttered Lexi.
“Oh, Sam, before we go, has Milo spoken to you yet?” asked Mum.
“About what?” I asked.
Mum didn’t reply. “Nothing, never mind. Bye, you two. Look after each other.”
They hung up and Zizi appeared next to us with two plates of the most amazing-smelling roast chicken ever.
“This is for you,” she said, handing Lexi hers. “And this is for the Chosen One.”
I almost dropped the plate she had just given me. “What did you call me?”
Zizi grinned as she fetched her own dinner. “Oh, come on, you must have figured it out.”
I looked at Lexi but I could tell she had no idea either. When you’ve been referenced in an ancient prophecy as the only person who can stop the Four
Horsewomen of the Apocalypse, the term “Chosen One” takes on a whole new meaning.
“You were trying to catch a fish for about an hour,” explained Zizi. “But from what your parents said it sounds like the programme-makers have been playing about with the footage, cutting it up so they could use it over different days.”
“They’d really do that?” asked Lexi.
“Of course,” said Zizi. “When I was on Carpool Orchestra they actually edited the footage so that I ended up having an argument with someone who wasn’t even in the car at the same time as me.”
“But why?” I said, before looking up at the cameras. They probably didn’t want us talking about stuff like this.
Zizi laughed. “Oh, don’t worry, they won’t use any of this footage,” she said. “You want to know why they’d go to the trouble? These shows are about telling stories. And someone’s obviously decided you’re the main character.”
“Are you saying they want me to win?” I asked.
Zizi shrugged. “Now that’s hard to say,” she said, feeding Pierre a bit of chicken. “Maybe. But they definitely wanted you to get this far.”
I realized Dad hadn’t mentioned the bit where I got headbutted by a fish. I wondered if that was still to come. Were the programme-makers really trying to keep me on the island? And, if so, why?
I wondered if Zizi was exaggerating but then, the following day, her name was announced for the Elimination Challenge.
“I don’t get it,” I said, turning to Zizi.
“Me neither,” said Lexi. “I thought people loved you.”
Zizi smiled. “Yeah, but I’m up against the Alligator Queen and the Chosen One. I didn’t stand a chance. Now can you guys keep an eye on Pierre while I do this thing? I just hope it’s not snakes…”
The nominee for Team Accelerate was less of a shock. Bruiser could hardly have expected to avoid the vote after his performance in the Golden Challenge.
Ronald and Donald led them through the jungle to a watering hole about the size of a large paddling pool. There were no alligators this time but Zizi’s worst fears were realized. The pool was full of snakes of all different colours and sizes. I glanced over at Zizi, expecting to see a look of horror. But to my surprise there was a faint grin on her face. She threw me a wink.
I couldn’t help but laugh. Zizi had been playing the producers all along. Everyone seemed to think she was dim, but there was a lot more to her than people knew.
Someone did look genuinely scared, though. Joe Bruiser.
“All right, everyone!” shouted Karen. “We’re taking a commercial break. We’ll be back in a couple of minutes.”
“I wonder if they’ll remove the snakes after the challenge?” said Milo. “I could probably convert this into a jacuzzi. Our camp’s just along that path there.”
I turned my head to where he was pointing, through a couple of bushes. Was Milo trying to tell me something? I thought about pressing the Time-Out button but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get away with it with so many people around.
“Of course the trick’s going to be getting the bubbles in. I wonder if—”
“How’s it going, anyway?” I asked, cutting him off.
“Yeah, OK,” he said. “I just finished installing showers this morning. They’re pretty basic but they do the job.”
I gave myself a sniff. Eurgh. Even Pierre at my heels smelled better. Showers sounded like heaven.
“Yeah, that’s great,” I said. “Any other news?”
“Nope,” he said. “Nothing else exciting. Nothing at all.”
All this time and still nothing? Or was Milo being coy because the cameras were on? Cruul couldn’t really have done nothing all week. I made up my mind – I had to get into their camp. But how?
If I could somehow slip away while everyone was focused on the challenge then I’d have the camp to myself. But the only way to get past the cameras was to use the Time-Out device. And if I did that while the challenge was going out live they’d probably have to abandon it.
“Right, everyone, we’re coming back!” shouted Karen.
“Welcome to today’s Elimination Challenge,” said Ronald to camera. “It’s Zizi versus Joe. And as you’ve probably gathered, behind us is a pool full of snakes.”
“Oooh, I hate snakes!” said Donald.
“I suspect you’re not alone,” said Ronald, smirking at Zizi, who put on a fake look of concern.
“You’ll notice that our serpent friends have dressed up for the occasion,” said Donald. I looked closer and saw that all of the snakes had red ribbons tied around them. “Those ribbons aren’t just to make them look pretty. It’ll be your job to remove every last one of them. The winner is the one with the most bows at the end.”
“You can’t be serious?” said Bruiser.
“Oh, come on, Joe,” said Ronald. “Surely the star of Snakes on a Crane isn’t actually scared of snakes?”
Bruiser’s nostrils flared at this. “Those were CGI snakes,” he snapped. “And I never said I was scared, did I? But … I mean … they’re not poisonous, are they?”
“Noooooo, of course not,” said Donald, before turning to his partner. “Are they?”
“Not if you don’t let them bite you,” Ronald replied. “Any more questions? No. Good. OK, on three… GO!”
Zizi sprung into the pool and went straight to work, untying a ribbon from a cobra. Bruiser, however, didn’t move an inch.
“Cam on, Joe,” shouted Lexi, putting on a cockney accent. “You ain’t gonna let that lil gel show you up are ya, son? Get in there!”
Despite Lexi’s mocking, Bruiser stayed frozen to the spot.
Zizi, meanwhile, seemed to be removing ribbons with ease. She was even taking time to pet the snakes as she went.
Ronald and Donald frowned at each other as they watched Zizi’s effortless progress. “She sure got over her fear of snakes pretty fast,” muttered Ronald.
“Speaking of snake phobias…” said Donald, casting a glance at Bruiser, who hadn’t so much as dipped a toe in the water.
It was just a matter of time before Zizi secured victory, untying the last of the ribbons from a water snake. Lexi and I cheered as she raised her arms in celebration.
Suddenly everyone watching drew a sharp intake of breath.
“What’s wrong?” said Zizi. She turned her head slowly to the left where a red and yellow snake was dangling in the air, its teeth locked firmly in her arm.
“That can’t be good,” she said, before passing out.
Lexi and I rushed into the pool and grabbed hold of Zizi, dragging out her limp body. Thankfully the snake that had bitten her had detached itself, but the damage had been done.
Pierre rushed towards her, barking his little head off as Karen called for the doctor.
I stepped back as a grey-haired man pushed his way forwards, carrying a brown satchel. He dumped it down next to Zizi and started rifling through it.
“Did anyone see the snake that bit her?” he asked.
“It was a red and yellow one,” said Lexi.
“Is she going to be OK?” I asked.
“She’ll be fine,” said the doctor. “I just need to administer the correct antidote. Now give me some space.” He removed a big green book from his bag entitled Snake Bites and You: A Beginner’s Guide and started flicking through it.
As I stepped away I realized that all eyes were on Zizi. I glanced back towards the path to Milo’s camp.
This was it. Now or never.
It felt wrong leaving Zizi but the doctor had just said she would be fine… Though I would have felt better about it if he’d found the page he was looking for.
I edged away from the crowd, clicked the Time-Out button, then turned and walked through the bushes. My walk quickly turned into a sprint and I soon found myself at Milo’s camp. I only just remembered to click the Time-Out device again before entering to make sure I took out their cameras too.
The camp was much like ours –
except, of course, for the toilets, showers and bits of debris from what were presumably other Milo-related projects.
I headed straight for the tents. The first looked like it was only being used by one person. I remembered Milo saying that he and Cruul were sharing and I could also see some of Bruiser’s T-shirts lying all over the place with slogans like COCKNEYS KICK HARDER and WHATCHOO LOOKIN’ AT?
I tried the other tent. One of the compartments was already open and I recognized Milo’s puffa jacket. I opened Cruul’s side. It was easily the neatest of the three. All his clothes were folded and his sleeping bag was straightened.
It was only then that I realized I had no idea what I was looking for. I started rifling through his things, hoping to find a set of robes or maybe a handy guide entitled How to Bring Back the Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse. But that wouldn’t have been as surprising as what I did find.
Tucked among his T-shirts was a small pile of paper. The first page was full of complicated legal terms but I knew at once what it was. A management contract. I had signed one just like it when I’d joined Apocalips. But it wasn’t my name on this one. It was Milo’s.
Has Milo spoken to you yet? Mum’s words rang out in my head. Surely Milo would never…
Someone behind me cleared their throat.
“Find what you were looking for?” asked Cruul.
“I’ll take those,” said Cruul, stepping forwards and snatching the papers from my hands.
“Told ya I saw ’im sneakin’ off,” said Bruiser, who obviously hadn’t been sent home yet.
“He must have slipped away when he heard the cameras were off again,” said Karen, emerging through the trees along with the presenters and the rest of the cast and crew.
All eyes were fixed on me. Apart from Lexi and Milo’s, who were staring at the ground.
“How’s Zizi?” I croaked, my mouth feeling as dry as the sand beneath my feet.
“She’s fine,” said Cruul. “The antidote works pretty fast. Though she’ll be in no condition to continue on the show so it’s effectively a double elimination. But if you really cared I’m guessing you wouldn’t have slunk off for a spot of burglary.”
