by Tom Nicoll
Only this time four silhouettes began to appear in the flames, to wild cheers from the Apocalytes.
A girl, about the same age as me, emerged from the sphere. She was thin and pretty with long golden hair and a floor-length black dress. And she was riding a huge pale green horse. Three identical girls followed after her, all on horseback.
“Weeeeee’re baaaaaaaaacck!” said Veronica Heatherstone.
“Hello, Sam,” said Veronica, in that deep voice of hers. It was one of the few ways you could tell the Horsewomen apart. “Did you miss us?”
“Not really,” I said as the four dismounted from their menacing horses.
Veronica pouted. “Oh, Sam, that’s not very nice. We missed you. We’ve thought about you every day. We’ve thought about little else in fact. Mostly about what we’d do to you when we saw you next.”
“Where were you?” I asked, trying to buy time. If I knew anything about the Horsewomen, besides them being horrible and evil, it was that when given the chance to talk about themselves, they’d take it.
“Where you sent us,” snapped Valerie. “The darkest dimension. A universe of pain and destruction with no hope for anyone or anything.”
“It wasn’t all good, though,” added Violet. “They didn’t have Netflix.”
“And I haven’t punched anything in months,” snarled Vicky, always the most aggressive of the four. “Well, nothing with a face, anyway.”
“But now we’re back,” said a gleeful Veronica. “And it feels goooood.”
“But how?” I asked.
“Oh, Sam, you simple little idiot,” said Veronica. “Did you really think that after centuries of planning and waiting that we wouldn’t take out an insurance policy? Are you really that stupid?”
“The island,” I said.
“Of course the island,” she replied. “For millions of years this was our home. It was just the four of us, minding our own business, trying to come up with schemes to destroy the universe. We had finally managed to get rid of all those stupid dinosaurs so we were on a bit of a roll. But then humans started showing up. Humans were pretty dumb in those days, even dumber than they are now. We put up with them for a bit, though, because they worshipped us like gods. They were the original Apocalytes, devoted to aiding us in bringing about the End of Days. Eventually, when the time was right, the Apocalytes left the island and joined the rest of the world, taking up key positions of power and helping us recruit even more loyal followers.” She looked over at Cruul as she said this. He was grinning like a fool, while his fellow Apocalytes bowed their heads devotedly.
“We came up with the plan for Apocalips hundreds of years before boybands were even invented,” continued Veronica. “But the prophecy that warned of you concerned us. We needed a Plan B. So we concealed the island from the world and began feeding it a steady diet of ships and aircraft, building up a store of energy that could be used to return us to this dimension. And then destroy it.”
She turned to face the volcano. More smoke than ever was billowing from it and yellow lava was spurting out of the top as rain continued to lash down on the island. “Isn’t it beautiful?” she said. “You’ve heard of supervolcanoes, yes?”
I nodded. Milo had told me about them before. Apparently there’s this one in America, in Yellowstone Park, so big that if it went off it could trigger a new ice age.
“Well, this is like that,” she said. “But a gazillion times worse. Imagine an explosion so powerful it would destroy space and time itself. I mean … doesn’t that sound awesome?”
I didn’t think it did, to be honest. But this all begged another question.
“Why didn’t you just use that, instead of becoming a boyband?” I asked.
The Heatherstones rolled their eyes as if they couldn’t be bothered dignifying this with a response. And then I remembered.
“Of course,” I said. “You can’t kill people yourselves. The ancient laws of the milliverse or something.”
“Multiverse,” snapped Valerie. “It’s those stupid ancient laws of the multiverse.”
“Yes,” agreed Veronica. “There are always checks and balances to these things. You think you’re so clever, Sam, but you don’t know what it’s like being us. We exist solely to bring about the Apocalypse but you have no idea how difficult it is. We have all these ancient laws to deal with. Oh, we can’t kill humans directly. But we can use the energy from love to rip a hole in the fabric of reality – just so long as a teenage boy doesn’t sing ‘Jingle Bells’. All these forces that hold us back. Cosmic red tape is what it is.”
“So that’s what the TV show was for?” I said. “And the challenges? The artefacts were just keys to bring you back?”
“Look at that, he’s not completely dumb,” said Vicky.
“I was smart enough to defeat you lot, wasn’t I?” I said.
Vicky’s face went bright red. “Can I thump him now?” she asked.
“Soon, Vicky,” said Veronica. “But this is the first time we’ve got to recap something in ages. Let’s not ruin the moment.”
“Fine,” muttered Vicky, giving me the evil eye. Which, to be fair, is just a regular eye for her.
“Yes, the artefacts were the keys,” said Veronica. “Boybands love a good key change, after all. We decided to use some objects placed here thousands of years ago by the original Apocalytes. The island would reappear if ever we left this dimension and Cruul was given detailed written instructions as to where to find them.”
Cruul grinned at me. “They were in that pile of paper in my tent. I didn’t even bother hiding them. I knew if I put a contract with Milo’s name on it at the top, you’d never bother looking past the first page. If you had, you’d have found out where all the artefacts were. Well, except for Vicky’s. She … ahem … never got round to writing hers down. Luckily we found the cave painting…”
“One artefact for each Horsewoman,” continued Veronica. “Unfortunately only the four people responsible for our downfall could retrieve them. And each could only take a single one.”
Four people most responsible for their downfall… So that was me, Lexi, Milo and… I looked over at Cruul, who was hanging his head in shame as the Horsewomen glared at him.
“I get why us three were to blame,” I said. “But what did Cruul do? He tried to help you, didn’t he?”
“Yeah, he tried,” said Valerie. “But he failed. Miserably.”
“It was his job to keep you from the stage at Hyde Park,” said Vicky. “But he screwed it up. Didn’t you, Nigel?”
“Y-y-yes,” whimpered Cruul. “B-b-but I’ve redeemed myself, haven’t I? I brought you home.”
“You did well,” conceded Veronica. “As a reward, we will allow you to explain your plan to our friend Sam.”
Vicky folded her arms and stamped her foot. “Not another recap!” she said. “When can we start blowing things up?”
“Soon,” said Veronica. “Nigel, continue.”
“Thank you,” said Cruul, his face lighting up. “Um… Yes, so my plan … it was most intricate.”
“It’s your show,” I said. “I’m guessing you own the production company. You’ve been making TV like this for years so you knew how to manipulate the audience to vote exactly how you wanted. I mean, you could have just rigged the vote but you’re so arrogant you would have thought that unworthy of your skills. The challenges all went exactly the way you wanted. If someone had to be up for nomination then you showed the worst footage you could find to convince the public to vote for them. You didn’t show me shouting at Milo or breaking into your tent because you wanted me here at the end. You needed me to retrieve the final artefact. And I imagine you were also looking forward to me having to listen to you tell me how clever you are.”
Nigel’s mouth was hanging wide open. “Well!” he said. “That’s just absolutely unacceptable. After all the work I’ve put in, how dare you steal my thunder?”
“Every challenge was fixed,” I continued. “Like the
meat in my bag or it not mattering which wire I cut on that bomb. We might have noticed that sooner except for Lexi’s barrel in the first Golden Challenge. If you wanted her to win, why sabotage her barrel? That part doesn’t fit.”
Cruul’s cheeks went a little pink. “It was a mistake. The hole was supposed to go in the barrel to the right.”
“They told me left!” shouted a familiar voice. One of the figures lowered their hood to reveal a face covered in painful-looking purple blotches, marks I knew had been left there by angry scorpions.
“Betty?” I cried.
“Oh, don’t look so surprised,” she said. “I was a struggling actor going nowhere until my mistresses got me the Cliffhanger Road gig. It’s no coincidence I got the boot after you got rid of them either, you know.”
“I did not tell you left, I told you right,” said an Apocalyte clutching a tablet.
“Karen?”
“Of course Karen,” she said, pulling down her hood. “We’re trying to organize an Apocalypse here, someone needs to keep on top of things.”
“’ang on a minute,” said another voice, in a thick East London accent. “You mean to tell me that I was supposed to be the one getting fed to those ’gators?”
“We all have to make sacrifices, Joe,” said Betty, vigorously scratching her body as she spoke.
Joe Bruiser removed his hood, then looked over at me and smiled. “All right, sunshine? Surprised to see me again, are ya?”
“No,” I said flatly. “I knew Cruul must have had help. Betty was a surprise. Karen maybe. But you would have been top of my list of people to sign up with the Horsewomen. You and Bo.”
“Who told him I was here?” said Bo, taking off his hood. “I bet it was one of you One-Gens.”
“One-Gens?” I asked.
“One-Generation Apocalytes,” he said. “People that only signed up because they got something out of the deal. Whereas my family descends from the Original Apocalytes. I’m practically royalty.”
“Good for you,” I said.
“Well, I bet you didn’t expect us,” said Ronald as he and Donald stepped forwards.
The Horsewomen looked at each other blankly.
“Sorry, who are you?” asked Violet.
The pair laughed nervously. “We’re Ronald…”
“And Donald,” said Donald.
“Ronald and Donald?” said Valerie.
They nodded.
“Well, that sounds annoying,” she replied.
“We’ve been your faithful followers for years,” said Ronald.
“So … we’ve met you before?” asked Vicky.
“Yes!” said Donald. “Many times. We swore allegiance to you and you helped make us the nation’s most beloved TV hosts.”
“Oh yes, of course,” said Veronica. “Now we remember. Yes… Ronald and… What was it again?”
“Donald.”
“Donald!” said Veronica. “Right. Great to have you both on board.”
As the pair perked up a little, Veronica gave the other Horsewomen a baffled shrug. Then she turned towards the crowd. “All right, the rest of you might as well reveal yourselves.”
The remaining hoods were removed, revealing the faces of all the crew members. I had prepared myself for this but seeing Bill the camera guy was still hard to take. And there was one person among the crowd that I hadn’t seen coming. It was like a punch to the stomach.
“Hey, Sam!” said Zizi, giving me a wave.
“Zizi?” I gasped. “What are you doing with them?”
“I just signed up,” she said. “It’s great, you get free robes. Look, they even made some for Pierre.” She held up the pug, who looked even grumpier than usual.
“But why?” I asked.
“Because I’m fed up with doing boring reality shows,” she said. “If I’m lucky I get to host things like Britain’s Next Top Binman or Have I Got Newts for You? But I want to act and Nigel says the Horsewomen can make that happen!”
“We certainly can,” said Veronica, smiling.
“Or be a DJ,” Zizi added.
I pointed towards the volcano. “BUT THEY’RE ABOUT TO DESTROY THE UNIVERSE!” I shouted.
Zizi’s face filled with disappointment. She turned to the Horsewomen. “I don’t suppose we could delay the Apocalypse a bit? Just till I get a few gigs in?”
“Um … we’ll have a think about that and get back to you, yeah?” said Valerie.
Zizi smiled, looking appeased by this.
Suddenly the ground shook for a few seconds.
“Enough of this nonsense,” snapped Veronica. “There’s not a lot of time. Bring us the girl.”
The crowd parted to allow a pair of figures to walk through.
“Get off!” Lexi yelled as Bruiser shoved her towards me. Her broken arm was bandaged up but poorly by the looks of things.
“Lexi!” I said. “You’re still here.”
“They took me after the race,” she said. “Told me we were going to a medical tent. But it was a prison.”
“You were in a trailer,” said Bruiser. “’ardly a prison.”
“You made me watch videos of Bo opening boxes all day,” she said. “If that doesn’t count as torture…”
“Serves yer right for all the bites and scratch marks yer’ve given me,” Bruiser said.
“You’d have got worse if I didn’t have a broken arm,” said Lexi. She turned back to me. “Where’s Milo?”
“Yes, where is the other one?” asked Veronica impatiently.
Cruul drew a finger across his neck. “Gone,” he said. “Fell into the volcano.”
Lexi gasped. “Sam? It’s not true?”
“He’s … in a better place now,” I said quietly, choosing my words carefully. Lexi screwed up her face in confusion.
“He’s dead?” roared Veronica. “You fool, Cruul! How could you let that happen?”
Cruul looked stunned, turning to the others for help. “Er … sorry, I don’t…” he said. “What does it matter if he’s dead? You’re here now.”
The Horsewomen looked ready to explode.
“You idiot, Cruul!” shouted Vicky. She pointed at the pulsating ball of fire, which was still floating in the air behind us. “Why do you think the portal is still there?”
Cruul could only offer a shrug. “I don’t know,” he said. “Because it looks cool?”
“You can’t just travel between dimensions freely,” said Violet. “Everyone knows that.”
“There’s always a cost,” said Valerie.
Cruul gulped. “And what might that be?” he asked.
“The four who opened the portal, of course,” said Veronica. “A trade. Us for them.”
Cruul looked hurt. “You mean you were going to send me to the darkest dimension?”
“You were fine with the Apocalypse,” I snapped. “What does it matter to you?”
“Better here than in there, to be fair,” said Violet. “Nothing dies in that dimension. It’s just constant pain and suffering forever. With giant flying batbear things. And no Netflix.”
“And if the portal doesn’t get its payment,” said Veronica. “It takes it. With interest. It’ll use the power we need to destroy the universe to swallow this entire island instead. Ugh. This is ridiculous. Well, if we don’t have all four of them, it looks like the Apocalypse will just have to wait. We need to leave at once.”
The other three Horsewomen let out a collective “Awwww!” at this.
“I know, I know,” said Veronica.
“There’s a plane on standby,” said Karen.
“Very well, let’s go,” said Veronica. “My hair’s getting soaked in this rain.”
Cruul was about to follow, when Vicky put a hand on his chest. “Not you,” she said. “You’ve failed us once too often.”
“But, Mistress…” Cruul started to plead, before Vicky shoved him to the ground.
Veronica was just about to mount her horse when she stopped and looked back. “You fig
ured it all out, didn’t you?” she said. “Cruul’s plan.”
“In the end, yeah,” I said. “Together with Milo.”
“Yet you still went through with it,” she said, looking at me curiously. “You still brought back the final artefact. Why?”
I didn’t reply but my eyes drifted towards the portal. Veronica saw this. After a few moments she burst into laughter. “Oh, you hoped he would be with us, did you?”
The other three joined in her laughter. “You brought back the Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse on the off chance that we’d bring Steve too?” said Valerie.
“Sorry to disappoint you,” said Veronica, wiping a tear from her eye. “But we haven’t seen that fool in a long time. He’s probably living inside the digestive system of something too disgusting to imagine. Still, how noble.”
I took one last glance at the portal. It had been a long shot but I knew I’d had to try. If it hadn’t been for Steve then it would have been me living in that hell. There was only one thing for it then. It had worked before, I had to hope it would work again. I cleared my throat and started singing: “Dashing through the snow, in a one-horse open sleigh…”
The Horsewomen froze. As I continued to sing they clutched their ears before dropping to the ground and writhing about in agony.
Then they all burst out laughing again.
“Did you really think it’d be that easy this time?” sneered Veronica as the four of them got back on their feet. “Being sent to the darkest dimension did have some benefits. We’ve learned things. New powers beyond your comprehension. Like the ability to resist your terrible singing, for a start.”
So much for Plan A.
“What now?” Lexi asked me.
“Lexi, it’s going to be OK…” I whispered, my voice drifting off as I noticed Karen running through the rain towards the Horsewomen, waving her tablet.
“Mistresses!” shouted Karen. “The other boy. He’s alive.”
“What?” asked Veronica. “How?”
“He lied,” said Karen, pointing an accusing finger at me as if that had been the worst thing anyone had done recently. “The drone we had following them had a self-recovery mechanism built in. It managed to capture this footage.”
