by J. P. Grider
“What?” he said harsher than he’d intended.
Her head snapped up, her eyes wide when she looked at him. “Sometimes I come on too strong. I’m sorry.”
Noah sat back against the chair and fumed. “So, you do what you did last night...often?”
“Oh. No. No, not often. I, uh, haven’t done that in a while, actually.”
Leaning forward again, Noah said, “Start over, Rain. I’m not getting what you’re trying to say. Please.”
“Right, okay.” She sipped her tea, took in a few breaths, and said, “I’m not a virgin.”
Noah laughed. “I noticed.”
“And you don’t care?” Her shoulders were bouncing up and down, so Noah guessed she was tapping that heel of hers again.
“Lorraine, why would I care?”
“Because you said it was important to you.”
When his heart began to ache because he realized he made Lorraine feel bad about herself, he wanted to kick himself and take back every last hurtful word he’d said. Even though what he said was not meant to hurt her. “Lorraine. It wasn’t important that you were a virgin or not; it was important to know if you were a virgin, so that I could—” How did he say this without offending her again? “So that we didn’t jump into something you weren’t ready for. That’s all I meant.”
She nodded. “What made you think I was a virgin?”
His brows shot up. “Um, I don’t know. I just thought you might be.”
“Because I look like a nice girl?”
“No. Rain, no. I don’t think someone’s sexual experience makes them a nice girl or not. Why are you asking me this? What’s your point?”
She sighed. “My point is...I have a LOT of sexual experience.”
“Okay.” He shrugged. “You’ve had a long-term relationship?”
“No. Never.”
Okay. Noah thought he was getting what she was getting at. “You’ve had a lot of partners?”
Lorraine’s face blushed and she nodded.
“Okay. Have you been tested?”
“Yes. Yes, and I haven’t since the test… until you.”
“Okay. Then...I guess it’s all good.” Now Noah was playing with his coffee cup.
“We can forget last night. I’m sorry I started that.”
“Oh.” Noah had no inclination to forget last night.
Lorraine stood, keeping her tea cup in her hands. “Okay, thanks.”
Noah, staying seated, took her arm before she had a chance to leave. “That’s it?”
In her eyes was an unspoken pain.
He knew that pain all too well. Tugging her arm gently, he pulled her onto his lap and held one hand on her leg, the other around her waist. “What are you not saying?”
“I don’t understand.”
“You’re telling me this for a reason. Most people don’t just blurt out that they’ve been around. What aren’t you telling me?”
“I’m clean. I promise. I don’t have any diseases, I’ve always been safe—”
“Rainy,” he interrupted. “I’m not implying you haven’t been, but I see it in your eyes. There’s something you’re hiding.”
“Are you always this inquisitive?”
“No. I’ve never been anything like I am when I’m with you. You bring out something in me I don’t understand.” Noah did not mean to divulge that information, but it was as if he couldn't control himself when he was with her.
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh. So what is it?”
She looked down at her hands, still wrapped around her cup. “I first had sex when I was thirteen.”
Noah tried his best to not look surprised, but in truth, he was taken back by this. At thirteen, weren’t girls still playing with Barbies?
“I had just turned thirteen, so I was really like twelve,” she said, embarrassed, her teeth gnawing at her bottom lip. “I wasn’t raped or anything like that, either. Nobody tricked me into it or drugged me or anything.”
Noah continued to look at her, even though she wasn't looking at him.
“I had this, this learning disability, and it made it hard for me to, well, learn. It's not as bad now, because my mom took me to therapy all the time, but...anyway, so I was considered stupid and everything. I was mildly bullied because of my speech problems. I don't really have them anymore; that was when I was in elementary school. Anyway—” she shifted on his lap and got up, moving to the seat she’d occupied before.
He preferred she stay on his lap, but whatever.
“I didn't have many friends by seventh grade. Girls don't particularly like stupid girls, I guess, but...boys do. They also like girls who develop early.” Lorraine traced the lid of her cup.
Noah could guess where she was going with her story.
“So, the boys gave me their attention, and so I wouldn't be lonely, I hung out with them.”
“And they took advantage of you?”
Lorraine shook her head. “They tried to kiss me and stuff, but that's all. But one of the boys, whose house we used to hang at, had an older brother. A junior in high school. He paid me a lot of attention. He didn't talk to me like I was stupid. He seemed to really like me. One day, on my thirteenth birthday, he must have been told by his brother that it was my birthday, because he came into the room holding a pink cupcake with a candle in it. Then he asked me if I wanted to watch a movie in his room, since the boys were playing video games. I said yeah, because I hated those noisy, violent games anyway. Well,” Lorraine rubbed her hand over her mouth, her eyes glistening and pink, while Noah felt his body burning with rage. What kind of junior in high school would take advantage of a seventh grader? “He took me to his room and was really nice to me.” Lorraine shrugged and looked uncomfortable. “He said really nice things to me and would touch me while he whispered. He made me feel good and I liked how he touched me.” She shrugged. “Is this bothering you? You look upset. I'm sorry, I—”
“Who the hell is this fucker, because I’d like to kill him.” Noah meant it. If the boy was in that room right then, he would have taken him down and kicked a knee into his balls for hurting Rain like that.
“No, Noah, he really was nice to me. I, mean, it was, what's the word, reciprocal?”
“Mutual?”
Lorraine blushed at his correction.
Shit. He didn't mean to correct her. “I’m sorry, yes, reciprocal is the right word too.” Kind of.
“Anyway, we hung out a lot after that. I never felt stupid. Y’know? And I realized that I liked how sex made me feel. I know that's slutty of me.” Those glistening eyes started to leak. “I got to know his friends, and then they were really nice to me too. And when Spencer said we had to stop seeing each other because he couldn't be seen in public with a thirteen year old, his best friend was around to comfort me.” She continued speaking despite her tears. “Then he was really nice to me, and again, I liked the way he made me feel. That cycle, kind of, continued over and over. You think I'm a slut, don't you?”
“Rain, it's not my place to judge you.” But he had to admit, it bothered him.
“But you do.”
“No. I don't. But can I ask what made you stop...cycling, for lack of a better word.”
“I’d gotten pregnant.”
Noah was stunned into silence.
“I miscarried at eleven and a half weeks, but my mom brought me to a psychologist, and we started working toward the reason I...liked sex and older boys.”
Noah, still at a loss for words, raised his eyebrows in response.
“Desperate for male attention. Low self-esteem.” She shrugged again, her eyes averting Noah's. “Classic textbook, really, but I worked hard to overcome it. I really did.”
Finding his voice, Noah finally said, “So, last night was just a relapse?”
She jerked her head at him and, wide-eyed and shocked, she said, “No. That's not what I’m saying at all.”
Noah felt bad for thinking all selfishly after she'd just poure
d out her dark, painful secrets, but he didn't want to be just another notch in her tiara, or whatever. He had real feelings for her last night, and he really hoped they were reciprocated. “Then what are you saying, because you came in here to talk, you tell me your past, and I have to think, you told me this to let me know I'm just an urge you had. Desperate for attention and an orgasm.”
She stood, angry as all hell. “You, Noah Mack, are an asshole. I shared my past with you so that you wouldn't be taken by surprise some time in the future when it all came out. Because there was a lot of gossip going around about me after that. I was being honest with you because it was real. And I was giving you an out now in case it did matter to you. You goddamn asshole.” Lorraine stormed out of his apartment and slammed his door.
Shit. She was pissed. If she was cursing, she had to be mad. She never cursed. He fucking messed things up with her already.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
She wished she’d never had sex with that jerk.
It was stupid, and she knew it would end badly. But she never thought things through completely. Now what was she going to do? She had to raise Carter and Norah with that asshole. Having this between them was going to make it so much more difficult.
“Mornin’.” Norah entered the kitchen still looking tired.
“Hey, Nor. Why you up so early?”
“Noah woke me up before, and I couldn't get back to sleep.”
“Why’d he wake you?”
“He didn't know it was Spring Break.”
“Oh. Sorry. Maybe you can take a nap later.”
“Yeah, maybe. Do you have school today?”
“Yeah. Then Dean is going to come help me study. We have a huge test this week.”
“You okay?” Norah asked as she put the flame on for the tea kettle. “Your eyes are all red. Were you crying?” She dropped her hand from the kettle. “Did something else happen?”
Lorraine wiped her eyes with her sleeves. “No, I'm good. Nothing happened.”
“But your eyes.”
“It's just cold outside. My eyes always tear when it's cold.” Of course, she had to lie; she couldn't tell her stepsister that she had sex with Noah and now everything was a mess because of it. Norah had enough to worry about.
“Oh. Okay, good. You want some tea?”
“Nah, I'm good. Gonna take a shower and get ready.” Lorraine readied herself for class and left without seeing Noah again that morning.
She went about her day struggling to put this morning’s conversation with Noah out of her head, but it kept sneaking in. Maybe she shouldn't have told him. Her intention was to get her past out into the open, before he found out from someone else, but maybe she should have kept her secrets silent. It wasn't like she expected to have a relationship with Noah—not in the sense that her past mattered, anyway. They were raising two teenagers together; her sexual indiscretions were irrelevant. So, why did she feel it was so important to tell him?
Did she want there to be something more with Noah? Well, yes, to be honest, she did. But she knew that was out of the question. He was her stepbrother. She should have never slept with him in the first place. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Lorraine noticed Dean staring at her all through class. She didn’t think it was because he could tell she’d been crying. After her run-in with Norah, Lorraine tucked away her tears and hid her dejection, so she couldn’t understand why he kept staring. When she asked him after their first class, he merely said, “I wasn’t staring.” Okay, Lorraine believed that like she believed she was tall. After their third and final class that day, Lorraine had finally had enough. “You were definitely staring at me all day. What is it? Did I forget to brush my hair? Do I have my shirt on backwards? She actually looked down to be sure she had it on right side out.
“No, Rainy, I wasn’t staring. I promise.”
“You were.” She wiped at the corner of her eye. “Is my eyeliner smudged?”
“You’re not wearing any eyeliner.”
“Oh yeah, right.” Then she smacked Dean in the arm. “What is it, Dean? I felt you all morning looking at me. You’re making me subconscious.”
“Self-conscious.”
“Yeah, whatever. Why were you staring?”
“Geez, Rain. Maybe I was, but I didn’t mean to be. I was probably daydreaming or something, and I just happened to be looking your way.”
“Right. ‘Cause boys daydream.”
He laughed. “Actually, we do. So there.” He pushed out his tongue and blew a raspberry.
She blew one back. “So, you comin’ to my house or what?”
“Yeah, I’m coming. Want me to bring dinner?”
“No. I was going to fry up some hot dogs. Unless you don’t like hot dogs.”
“Hot dogs are perfect.”
“Great.” She smiled, he smiled. They were both happy to go home and study together.
***
Noah was pissed.
The guardianship papers he’d signed weren’t going to be approved. Because of Aunt Margaret, and because Noah hadn’t been a part of Norah’s life in several years, the courts would have to evaluate whether Noah was a suitable guardian or if Aunt Margaret would be better suited. And there was a chance, the lawyer told him, that Norah would become a ward of the state if both he and Aunt Margaret weren’t deemed appropriate guardians.
Noah cursed out his father for not updating his will. And then he cursed out Lorraine, because why the hell didn’t she have a problem getting guardianship?
The last thing he needed when he walked into the main house to check on Norah was to see Lorraine sitting at the kitchen table with the guy he saw her sitting with at the funeral. Was that Dean? Will she be screwing him any time soon? Noah knew he wasn’t being fair, but hell if this morning’s conversation didn’t infuriate him.
Was he just some urge she had because she was a nymphomaniac? When he’d thought of her as a beautiful nymph, he was comparing her to a little pixie or a sprite. Now the word took on a whole new meaning when he thought of her.
Again, he knew he was being unfair, yet he couldn’t shed the feeling that he was just being used last night. He had unlocked the door to his heart and let her in, and then with one shocking confession a few hours later, she’d ransacked it and left it in shambles.
“Oh, hey,” the guy said from his cozy spot next to Lorraine and her lap dog. “Noah, right?” He stood and held out his hand. “I’m Dean.”
Noah glowered at him.
The jerk dropped his hand and sat back down. “Nice to meet you,” he muttered.
“Did you talk to the lawyer?” Lorraine asked, her voice soft and unsure.
“Yeah.” He wasn’t about to give her more than that. Not with him here. “Where’s Nor? I thought she’d be here.”
“She went to Dunkin’ with some friends.”
“What friends?”
“I don’t know. She didn’t say.”
“You didn’t ask? You’re supposed to ask,” Noah said angrily.
“Well, she texted me and said she was going straight to Dunkin’ Donuts after school. I trust her.”
“Like you trust Carter?” Again, Noah made certain she knew he was angry.
“Hey, listen,” Dean said, once again standing, all six foot four of him, or whatever. “I’m gonna go have a smoke. I’ll be right back.”
After Noah heard the front door shut, he stared right into Lorraine’s eyes.
“He doesn’t even smoke,” she said frowning, her small hand petting Sunny on her lap. “I’m assuming it was bad news at the lawyer’s, since you’re taking your anger out on me.”
“Maybe you’re the reason I’m angry.”
Her frown turned sad, and he was surprised to find his chest spasmed at the sight. “Well, I can’t do anything about that, I guess.”
“Guess not.”
“Can you please just tell me what the lawyer said? I knew this was gonna get weird.”
“It’s not gonna be easy t
o get custody of her. And you’re the one that made this weird.” He took a bottle of water from the refrigerator, then sat at the table. “A judge has to decide who gets her. And there’s a chance it won’t be me or Aunt Margaret.”
“What? How is that poss...who else would get her?
“She’d become a ward of the state. Foster care? I don’t know.” Noah leaned on his elbow and ran a hand down his face. “My father really fucked this up, Rain. I hate him.”
“He left her to my mom in his will, and if my mom left Carter to me, do you think I could at least petition for her? I, mean, if you don’t get her, or we can both petition. Just in case.”
Noah didn’t move, but his mind was going a thousand thoughts a second. Would that work? If he was deemed unsuitable, wouldn’t it make sense that Lorraine would be the most sensible choice? Norah wouldn’t have to be moved out of her house, and since Lorraine had been a constant in Norah’s life the past two years, she might have a chance.
“Noah. Do you think I should?”
The front door opened and closed, and in walked the tall man. “You guys good?”
Noah groaned.
Lorraine said, “Yeah, Dean. Thanks.”
Noah pushed back his seat and got up.
“Noah? You didn’t answer?”
“I guess. Do what you want.” And before he could hear her response, Noah walked out the back door and into his apartment.
Noah was too unnerved to sit still, so he tapped his Favorites on his phone and clicked on Sofia’s name. When she answered, he asked if he could pick her up, and a half-hour later, she was sitting on back of his bike and they were heading back to his place.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
When Lorraine went to make a cup of tea after coming home from her five-AM fitness class, she was surprised to find the coffee machine gone. All that was left on the counter where it stood were her English Breakfast Tea K-cups and a bunch of dust. Guess he was still mad at her, but for what? For being honest? “For a smart guy, he sure is an idiot, isn’t he, boy?” she commented to her favorite dog who was always at her feet.
