by J. P. Grider
On a groan, he said, “Nothin’.”
“Cut the crap, Carter, I know you’re using heroin. What the heck? Why?”
Carter pushed at his sister’s hand and took the cloth to his wounds himself. “Leave me alone.”
“Carter,” Kara said softly. “You need help. Look at you.”
“Shut up, Kara,” he grumbled.
“No. You can’t afford this, Carter. Look what it’s doing to you.”
“Why did they beat him up?” Lorraine asked Kara.
“God, Lorraine, stay out of it.” Carter struggled to sit up.
“No. Kara, please tell me.”
Carter murmured something under his breath, but Kara ignored him. “He didn’t have enough money, but he insisted Jake give it to him. Told him he’d pay next time.”
“Shut up, Kara.”
“I won’t shut up, Carter. Lorraine, he just kept nagging them. Finally, Jake told him he was done doing business with a kid. Carter came at him, whacking him over and over.” Kara shook her head and frowned at Carter. “Jake is so big, it was like Carter was poking a bear. Finally, Jake had enough and just started pounding on him. Then they all jumped in, God knows why.” Kara nodded at Lorraine. “That’s when I came to get you.”
“Geez, Carter.” Lorraine had no idea what else to say. She stood up, went to the kitchen and pulled out the NyQuil she’d used once when she was sick with the flu. “Take this,” she said, as she handed her brother a cup filled with the medicine. “It’ll help you sleep this off.”
“You’re giving him that on top of the drugs?” Kara asked, surprised and confused.
“I thought they didn’t give him any.”
“But will it still be in his system from yesterday? He used just last night.”
“Oh.”
Carter shoved the NyQuil at Lorraine. “Just go away.”
Lorraine used one of the unused wet washcloths to dab at the NyQuil mess on the rug and her shirt, then she stood and headed up the stairs. Before she reached the top, she said, “You can stay over if you want, Kara. Just leave the door unlocked. Norah should be home soon.” Then Lorraine dragged herself up to her room. She couldn’t deal with this right now. She just wasn’t up to being an adult anymore. Adulting was horse crap. She wanted her mommy.
***
Lorraine woke up to someone nudging her.
“Rain. Rain, get up. What happened?”
She shook her head awake, sat up, and rubbed her face. Squinting in the dark, she asked, “Norah?” Lorraine reached over to put on her lamp.
“What happened? Carter’s sleeping on the couch; he looks like he was beat up, and who the heck is the girl on the recliner?”
“What time is it?”
“Ten.”
“Ten?” Lorraine was fully awake now. “Are you just coming home now?”
Norah shrugged. “You didn’t call me to come home, so I thought it’d be okay.”
“You’ve been at Dunkin’ Donuts all day?”
Norah shrugged. “Ashley and me went to Kyle’s. You didn’t call, Rain, so I thought it was okay.”
“I think,” Lorraine shook her head, “I think it’s the other way around, Norah. You’re supposed to call me.”
“Well, you never really said that, so...we were just hanging and watching a movie. It’s not like we were doing anything wrong.”
Lorraine rubbed the back of her neck. “You need to ask, Norah.”
Norah shrugged. “Fine. Next time I will.” And then, in a huff, Norah left Lorraine’s room without even waiting to find out what happened to Carter’s face.
Lorraine shut off the light, cuddled with her dog, and went back to sleep, waking up just in time to get to her Spin class.
This morning’s workout was for her advanced cyclists. Interval training was Lorraine's favorite and she always got her best workouts doing this particular Spin class. The urgency in the music she chose added to the intensity of the training. At the end of class, she always felt invigorated and strong and she loved the compliments she got from the members.
When she was done wiping down the bikes, she took her bag, headed for her car, but ran into Dean on her way. “Dean, what are you doing here? Were we supposed to meet?”
He laughed. “No. I thought I’d catch you before you went home. Maybe go to the Coffee Shack or something.”
“Oh.” Lorraine looked down at the sweat marks on her clothes as she ran her hand atop her wet ponytail. “I’m kind of a mess right now.”
“You look beautiful.”
“Um, I really need a shower.”
“Okay. Want me to follow you home and we can go together?”
She wiped at her forehead and, thinking of Carter laying on the couch in his condition, said, “You know, today’s not really a good day. Carter got in a bad fight last night, and I want to make sure he's okay.”
“A fight? Is he okay?”
“I hope so. He was beaten up pretty bad.”
“Who did it?”
Lorraine had told Dean everything that had been happening in her life since she’d met him, but she wasn't sure she should tell him what went on last night. It was Carter’s story, and it kind of felt too personal to share with her best friend. So, she answered with, “Some kids from school.”
“Some kids from school? Rainy, that's bullying. Did you report them?”
“Well, no, but he was just as much to blame. Listen, Dean, I really should get home. I wanna make sure he's okay.”
Dean nodded but frowned. Lorraine was hurting his feelings by not including him, she knew that, but she just needed to keep Carter's situation within the family. “I’ll call you later? You’ll be around?”
“Yeah. I’ll be around.” He leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. “See ya, Rainy.”
“Bye, Dean.”
Lorraine felt sick to her stomach. Now that she knew Dean liked her more than a best friend, she felt herself being cautious. She liked him, but she had to think about this. He made her feel warm and safe, but he didn't ignite little bits of fire throughout her body every time he was near. He didn't make her stomach do somersaults whenever he looked into her eyes. He didn't consume every other thought in her mind, even when she was sleeping. Dean deserved to have someone react that way to his attention. Dean deserved to be the reason she smiled. Or the reason she cried. Dean deserved a girl whose whole world was lit up when he entered a room. Whose whole heart was engulfed in flames when she was in his arms. Dean deserved more than Lorraine could offer. Especially since, lately, her heartbeats seemed otherwise engaged.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
After Lorraine had gotten home and had given Sunny some loving, she checked on Carter, whose stomach was rising appropriately as he slept. Kara was curled up on the recliner, breathing normally herself. Lorraine showered, wrapped her hair in a towel, then made herself some toast with peanut butter, and a cup of tea. With Sunny on her lap now, she started up her laptop, took a bite of her breakfast, and Googled “Heroin addiction signs and symptoms.” Many of the signs associated with addiction, like an increase in sleeping, withdrawal from family and spending time with a new set of friends, hostile behavior, deceptive behavior, Lorraine attributed to their mother’s recent death. Could Carter be addicted? She’d be foolish to think not, she supposed. Especially since he’d gotten in a fight because he couldn’t get anymore. Could he have gone from pot to heroin that quickly? Lorraine had no idea, having no experience at all with drug addiction. She’d have to make some phone calls to professionals, but she feared what would happen to Carter. Would he go to jail? Rehab? He was only twelve; did rehab centers accept addicts so young?
God, she really, really needed her mother.
When she thought about telling her grandmother, she worried. Grandpa was not getting better, and every time Mimi called, she heard the sadness in her voice. But Lorraine didn’t think she could hide the fear in her own voice the next time they spoke. This was bigger than anything Lorraine ever
faced; Mimi would definitely pick up on her granddaughter’s anxiety.
Interrupting her contemplation, Sunny started barking just before the back door swung open. “Where’s Norah?” Noah, dressed in his black motorcycle jacket, Sofia on his tail, was not at all happy.
“Sleeping. It’s not even eight in the morning. And it’s Saturday.” Lorraine didn’t have to be nice, either.
“I’m heading back to Duke. I need to say goodbye to her.”
Lorraine’s heart skipped a beat or two. “Duke?”
“Yeah. Where I go to college? I’m going back.”
Lorraine didn’t know what to say. He was just leaving? Right in the middle of all this mess? She was stunned silent.
“‘Kay, guess I’ll go get her myself. Sof, stay here.” With that, Noah left the room.
Lorraine looked at Sofia. “Duke?”
Sofia shrugged. “He wants to talk to the Dean. See if they’ll let him back in.”
“What the fuck?” they heard Noah ask from the living room.
Lorraine ignored him. “Why does he want to go back?”
Again, Sofia shrugged and looked down at her fingernails. “Says he’s not needed here.”
Noah stormed back into the kitchen and said, “What the hell, Lorraine? What the fuck happened to Carter?”
“Did he wake up?”
“No. He’s still sleeping. And who the hell’s on the recliner?”
“It’s his friend Kara. Carter was beaten up last night.”
“No shit. By whom?”
Whom? He’s such a show-off with his proper grammar.
“Lorraine?”
“By those kids from the courts.”
“Shit. Drugs, right?”
Lorraine nodded. “Heroin.”
“Holy shit. He’s twelve, Lorraine. Twelve. What the fuck is he doing with heroin?”
Sunny jumped off Lorraine’s lap and made a mad dash for Noah’s ankle.
“Ow, you fuckin’ dog. He just bit me.”
Lorraine snickered. “He doesn’t like anyone yelling at me.”
“This isn’t fucking funny, Lorraine. Heroin. Your little brother is shooting heroin, and you’re laughing?”
God, he’s been saying that F-word an awful lot lately. “I don’t think it’s funny, you dimwit. You yelling at me like you have any say is what I find hilarious.”
Noah went to speak, but as he opened his mouth, Kara was standing behind him. “He doesn’t shoot heroin. He snorts it.”
Noah turned around. “What?”
“He doesn’t shoot it. He snorts it,” Kara repeated.
“Kara,” Lorraine said. “This is Noah. Noah, Carter’s friend Kara.”
“Hi,” Kara said to Noah.
“I’m Sofia,” Sofia said to Kara, as if her presence mattered. “I’m Noah’s girlfriend. I’m not sure if his stepsister knew that or not.” Sofia made a point of looking at Lorraine when she was done with her introduction.
Lorraine made a point of looking at Noah, who was rolling his eyes and shaking his head.
Lorraine smirked. “Yeah. Anyway, Kara. Sit down.” Lorraine stood up. “Can I make you a cup of tea or a cup of hot chocolate? Norah likes hot chocolate, maybe you’d like some, too?”
“Sure. Hot chocolate sounds good.” Kara pulled out a chair and sat, then called for Sunny, who now jumped onto her lap.
As Lorraine turned to boil the water and fix a mug of hot chocolate for Kara, Noah walked up next to her. “What are we gonna do, Lorraine? We can’t just do nothing. And he’s going to need rehab or something. I don’t think you are equipped to take care of this.”
“Noah,” Lorraine said quietly, “can we talk about this later? Please?”
“He can’t later, he’s leaving for North Carolina,” Sofia said, overhearing what Lorraine thought she’d kept quiet enough. Evidently not.
“Sof. I’ll call you later, ‘kay?”
“What? You’re not gonna leave without saying goodbye, are you?”
“Goodbye, Sof.”
Sofia gasped, while Lorraine, once again, snickered.
Sofia walked up to Noah and draped her arms around him. “Noah, I wanted to see you off before you left,” she whined.
“Please, Sofia. I’ll call you.”
“Can I wait in your apartment?”
Noah peeled her arms from around him. “Sure. Just let me talk this over with Rain, okay?”
Sofia skipped off with a smile back to Noah’s apartment. Lorraine didn’t like that very much.
“What are we going to do?”
Lorraine turned and leaned back against the counter. “Kara. Has he been doing this long?”
“No. He only just started smoking pot not that long ago. But the guy that sold it to him—Jake—talked him into trying it. Showed him how to snort it. Told him it was much safer than injecting it and less messy than trying to smoke it.” Kara shrugged, looking embarrassed to be talking. “He was taking advantage of a seventh-grader.”
“What grade are you in?” Lorraine asked.
“Tenth. I’m a sophomore.”
“What are you doing hanging with a twelve year old?” Noah asked.
“The first time Noah came to the courts, I’d recognized him. He’s friends with my little brother. I begged Jake not to get involved with a kid, but he didn’t listen.”
“Who’s your brother?” Lorraine wanted to know. She couldn’t recall Carter having any friends, but before their mother died, Lorraine really hadn’t paid much attention to her younger brother at all. She’d worked and went to school, and until recently, she’d done her homework at the school library. The only time Lorraine had spent home was on Saturday mornings when her mom would make a big breakfast and Dean would come over to eat with them, or on Pizza Fridays. Carter would be there, but he never had a friend over then, and he’d never talked about any.
“Matt. He and Carter used to hang out after school together.”
“Oh. Does he do drugs?” Lorraine wondered.
“No. That’s why I was surprised to see Carter hanging at the courts. Everyone knows that there are a lot of drug exchanges going on down there.”
Lorraine set Kara’s hot chocolate, complete with mini-marshmallows and whipped cream, in front of her. To divert Sunny’s attention from the whipped cream, Lorraine called him over with one of his own treats.
“What’s going on?” Norah emerged from her night’s sleep.
“Morning,” Noah and Lorraine said simultaneously.
“Hello,” Kara and Norah said to each other.
“Do you know each other?” Lorraine asked them.
“Matt Longley’s sister, right?” Norah asked.
“Yeah. Hi.”
“I didn’t realize that was you last night.” Norah went to the kettle and started fixing her own hot chocolate.
“Water’s still hot,” Lorraine told her.
“Lorraine,” Noah pulled out a chair and sat, motioning with his arm for Lorraine to sit, “can we sit and concentrate on this. Please.”
Lorraine did as he said, and sat. “I thought you were going back to Duke.”
“I am. I was. I don’t know.” Noah grunted. “This is serious.”
“I know it is. I’m not disagreeing with you.” Lorraine rubbed at her face, and when her hands reached her forehead, she realized she had her Turbie Twist towel still wrapped around her head. “Oh, geez,” she said out loud, to herself. She unwrapped her hair and finger combed the mop on top of her head.
“Rain, concentrate,” Noah said angrily.
“Whoa. Calm down. I am concentrating. I don’t know what we are going to do. What I am going to do, if you’re going back to school.”
“Why shouldn’t I go to school? You are. You’re still getting your education, aren’t you? What have you given up, Lorraine? Nothing. But I’m here, in fucking Jersey, wasting my life away.”
From the corner of her eye, Lorraine caught Kara picking up the dog and walking out of the room. Nor
ah took her mug and followed.
“Way to clear a room, No.”
“Oh my God, Lorraine! I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live in this house, watch our lives fall apart, and have no way to pick up the pieces and put them back together. I just can’t.” Noah pushed himself away from the table, shooting the chair out behind him. “I can’t fucking do this, Lorraine!”
“Whattya want me to do?” she asked quietly, remaining seated.
“We’re too young to be guardians. I don’t want to do this. I give up.”
Now she stood and walked directly in front of him. “Good for you, Noah. I’m glad you have that option, because I don’t. I’m not giving up on our family. I’m not leaving them to the state or moving them to Florida.”
“Family? We’re not a fucking family, Lorraine. We’re a fucking joke. They’re not going to let a fucking suicidal mental case and a nymphomaniac have custody of two kids entering—”
But Noah didn’t get to finish his sentence, because Lorraine slapped him hard across the face, causing him to stop talking. When she turned, Carter, Norah, and Kara were all standing in the doorway.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
One of the loneliest moments in the world was the moment you heard the words, “I give up,” when the only family you had left was talking about giving up on you.
For Norah, that moment was now.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
When your lighthouse, the only beacon you had left to guide you through adolescence and young adulthood, couldn’t even burn bright enough to find her way during dark times, you were fucking screwed.
For Carter, that realization came now.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Noah was screwing up badly.
