Dedication
Gloria
Epigraph
In theory, the self-presentational style of the self-critical perfectionist should be characterized by a defensive concealment of an imperfect self.
—Paul L. Hewitt et al.
I think perfection is ugly. Somewhere in the things humans make, I want to see the scars, failure, disorder, distortion. Perfection is a kind of order, like overall harmony, and so on. These are things someone forces onto things. A free human doesn’t desire such things.
—Yohji Yamamoto
And then to want and not to have—to want and want—how that wrung the heart, and wrung it again and again!
—Virginia Woolf
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Epigraph
Part I
Part II
Part III
Notes on Sources
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Also by Elizabeth Tallent
Copyright
About the Publisher
Part I
Notoriously, we can’t finish a thing. The truest perfectionist, the one I’m failing to be, would still be rewriting this sentence. As a perfectionist I leave a lot to be desired, and if you leave a lot to be desired, you’re unlikely to run out of desire. You might even be said to have found a way to live and breathe desire, because if the price of never-ending desire is never getting to the end of anything, perfectionism willingly pays up. Is it a raw deal? In a boon rare among afflictions, to name yourself its sufferer is to flatter your own character as uncompromising, bound to impossibly high standards: “I’m such a perfectionist” fails to sound sick. Fails, transparently. The end all striving aims for shines from its name: perfection. To which the individual ist is attached. What kind of wound is obsession if its object deserves every ounce of effort expended in its pursuit, what damage is done? From a detached vantage point perfectionist agitation might seem less a disorder than the consequence of carrying ardor for (let’s say) beauty to an exhausting extreme. But I’m not very detached about perfectionism, I’m like a person whose house is on fire writing a book about fire, it’s been present, a factor in my life, since my first breath—labor, then, is considered an experience a woman will want to forget, and when a voice says Wake up, Mother, and meet your little girl, my mother hears her own mother summoned, but that’s impossible, the little my mother knows about the world she has just been returned to includes the certainty that within it her mother is far away, and she suddenly wants her, and follows her (could almost catch hold of the hem of her dress) out of the dark—the dark has not been dispelled; it furs in from either side till there is nothing left of her mother, and she wants her, and she wants her, and she wants her, and she wants her, and she wants her. Twilight sleep, the doctor’s nickname for the dark. You will be awake throughout but won’t remember a thing. Without her glasses my mother is drastically nearsighted but her gaze implies conformance to the nurse’s wish that my mother behold ____________. The nurse is fooled, after all in another feint at compliance my mother has managed to sit up, how can my mother fade back into hiding if she’s being monitored by this person in charge of needles and pulses. As so often when confronted with a person who assumes their superiority to her, my mother experiences the temptation to flatter and if need be shore up a superiority she secretly rejects, in this case the temptation to flatter is compounded by the other’s having cornered my mother in bed, where she is by definition the weaker, at the mercy of others’ decisions. Even as my mother’s nearsightedness keeps ____________ at blurred bay, her defiance sharpens. Go away, she thinks dangerously. In my mother’s experience what people most loathe having pointed out is the specific manner in which they are annoying you, and though her perfectionism specializes in exact descriptions of others’ transgressions, she long ago learned to keep these to herself, besides which Go away would suggest a power my mother’s role as patient is assumed to have stripped from her, the power of determining what shall and shall not happen to her. My mother is cross-stitching x’s of silence across the loophole in self-control the words want to burst through when Go away fizzles out and in its stead looms a wobbly readiness, my mother reaches for the cat’s-eye glasses on the bedside table and fits them on, the world teeters on the brink of, of, of, the pink corner is folded back on a face no more familiar than if the nurse were offering her a root pulled from the ground.
The nurse’s expression is pure supposed to.
What?
Supposed to reach for it.
The nurse’s expression declares this scene will unfold.
My mother has to get out of this.
How.
Tell me how.
She’s trapped.
For my mother a great deal has changed since she put on her cat’s-eye glasses. She’s, at least momentarily, bewildering to the nurse: because so natural a gesture is meant to occur instantaneously, my mother’s failure to lift her arms is starker than she would have deemed possible, more arresting; in the minds of both women, my mother is noticeably not holding out her arms. Until now the nurse has been unaware that a mother’s declining to take her newborn is even possible, but if the nurse has learned one thing in her first week on the ward, it’s that the unforeseen is best absorbed blandly. Astonishment is reserved for the instant you’re safely out of the patient’s ken; and what is the look on the mother’s face, the nurse wonders, how exactly would you describe it, in recounting this episode to the other, more experienced nurses she’s going to want to be able to say it was a look of this, it was a look of that; of, of—revulsion, she tries; Really? say the colleagues in her head; she’s new, she’s not going to want to confess I had no idea what the look was of, no idea what to do next—but she does, oh she does, ventriloquizing for the baby Hello, Mama. The tense origami cap on the nurse’s updo emanates more authority than resides in my mother’s entire vacated body. My mother has suffered before from the spruce correctness of the immaculate, their entitlement to your future, their indulgent needling—the nurse says again, puzzledly: Hello, Mama—the implication of your being deficient, having forgotten or neglected or otherwise missed the boat, and when the nurse imbues the third Hello, Mama with playacted desperation, my mother responds with expressionlessness. With a person as nice as this nurse, you can’t give an inch, my mother knows, or niceness will eat you alive, and by continuing to gaze in the general direction the nurse wants her to look in my mother fends off creeping, intensifying niceness. But this strategy backfires, gazing in the general direction of lets details squeeze past my mother’s defenses, damp cowlicks, skin of briny crimson, why’s it so dark, my father likes to say my mother’s as white as if she’s never seen the sun, he’s the proud curator of the details of her, certain aspects he likes to repeatedly announce, like the never-seen-the-sun whiteness she may have failed to notice about herself, in praise of her skin the Tennesseeism never seen the sun is trotted out and he either can’t tell or doesn’t notice its leaving her cold, where is my mother living in the metaphor, underground?; the parting between its lips so tiny an apple seed could barely slip through; it is scratched all over; it manages a rasping note; the gesture my mother is required to make is re-hung in the air by the nurse’s hope that now, surely, now the baby has issued its little plea the mother’s heart will melt, but the No! of revulsion is harsher than ever, it hurts to swallow, from twilit obscurity she drags a fact—if her throat is raw she must have been screaming. Was she alone? In a blazing room? Hands in restraints? Is this remembering? They said she wouldn’t. To her own surprise the nurse finds she has other tricks up her sleeve, the situation is—sure is!—far from hopeless, You mothers like to count fingers an
d toes, she offers, unwrapping, revealing the gauze mitts lollipopping its fists, its feet lounging over the nurse’s arm like the heads of tulips whose stems kept growing in the vase, its thighs flayed with scratches, the tone of shame and consternation in which my mother is talking about it to herself is private, as are its incoherencies, almost beyond private, virtually sacred to my mother in the sense of being all she has, all she can come up with, the non sequiturs of her thought-shambles echoing the non sequitur of ___________, she can’t believe this is happening, meanwhile poise must be preserved despite her hospital gown, she’s good at that at least, immune to the spontaneity her husband criticizes in colleagues’ wives, of whom he remarks She sure likes running her mouth or She keeps flying off the handle, the handle of what?, in the chasteness of her discretion my mother amazes my father, he can’t overstate how different she is from most women, it’s unusual, a wife who can be relied on to this extent, my mother teasingly agrees, and inwardly profoundly agrees, she’s invaluable to him, her wittiness, her reserve are pleasures enlarged by his expressions of astonishment at being in possession of her. It’s this coolly invaluable self she’s astounded to hear herself betray by asking What is wrong with it?
The head turns toward her voice.
At this movement the nurse says a gay downward Oh!, the Oh! of recollecting you are there, before addressing a different Oh! to my mother, the Oh! of rising to the occasion, domesticating my mother’s question’s strangeness, for the second Oh! to be an efficient broom for my mother’s shame, casual naturalness is needed, assuring all parties of the nice truth announced next, Nothing! Nothing’s wrong with her, so nice it deserves the more studied repetition Nothing is wrong with her, when this meets with disbelief the nurse tries a variation, She’s completely fine, when that doesn’t do the trick the nurse says I promise, and feeling this is getting away from her the nurse infuses the next Completely, completely fine! with sunshine, adding You have a very healthy baby girl!, awaiting the smile the nurse continues to believe has to come, it’s this suspense the baby interrupts with another plaintive note, honestly this encounter has been a strain, the baby’s needing to be fed comes as a relief to the nurse because it is definite, a need she can meet, with a view to wrapping up their two minutes’ awkwardness she adopts the first person plural of blithe reproach customary in failed nurse-patient encounters, saying Well, maybe we’ll do better next time, gathering too late from my mother’s averted gaze, her formal, if motionless, withdrawal, the painfulness for my mother of the implication that she has done badly so far.
To leave that first page alone is to obscure how much time I lost in pursuit of the beautiful beginning of this book—my long confinement in closed-circuit viciousness designating every attempt error fuckup mistake hideous miscarriage. What was it like, wrong sentence after wrong sentence engendering abuse more exciting than the sentences ever were? How bad was that perfectionist seizure, how different really from the impediments writing presents to most writers?—after all A writer is someone for whom writing is a problem, and as for ego-wrecking fugues of deletion, most writers have to go through those before they can get anywhere, meaning the difference between ordinary thwartedness and perfectionism could be harder to divine in regard to writing than it is in more fluent activities like heart surgery, but I don’t really believe that, for me perfectionism is set apart from other forms of trouble by the inflamed genius of its self-abuse, and its pleasurableness. As a personality disorder perfectionism is spookily stable. Researchers—I don’t want to mislead you, I’m not incredibly well-read in their work and they’re not going to turn up here very often—but researchers confronted with the degradations of its harangues sometimes marvel at perfection’s persistence, as in “Perfectionism and Emotion Regulation” by Kenneth G. Rice, Hannah Suh, and Don E. Davis:
Why do those with high standards blended with self-criticism hold on so dearly to what seems to be a self-punishing, discouraging, and depressogenic combination of personality factors? Although maintaining a punishing style of perfectionism seems highly costly to the individual, we suspect that many resist changing this maladaptive form of perfectionism because it would result in some other form of substantial loss, such as losing or disrupting an important relational connection.
“Some other form of substantial loss”: the loss of love, this must be, and if it is, then this skeptical affliction is rooted in the soppiest gullibility, perfectionism a love letter the psyche sends to an unresponsive Other, swearing I’ll change everything if you will only come back.
If four books, the first appearing when I was twenty-seven, books published by the house whose cachet I revered, Knopf, books that had the luck of certain reviewers’ calling them luminous, not that I understood what luminous meant, did the work of male writers get called luminous or was it a girl word, was the vagina luminous and the penis brilliant, but if those books add up to a good-enough start for a writer, then mine was a fortunate experience, the private seriousness of what I was after carried me through the fourth; and then, without my faith in what I was after faltering, without relinquishing the identity writer, without acknowledging I had lost anything, for two decades I did what’s known in a writer as disappearing.
The vehicle for my first stories was the hunky olive-green electric typewriter in the Santa Fe bookstore where I changed the sign from Open to Closed and went around turning off lights in case the owner drove by, or my fellow clerk, even more possessive about the store than the owner. They were elsewhere in the city. With luck, they were asleep. With luck, everyone was. In the dark length of the dreaming store only the desk’s gooseneck lamp glowed. I rolled a sheet of paper into the platen, whose runkuh runkuh runkuh signaled Now comes the good part. I have always loved hiding. Stealth—the need for every stolen minute to be used to the utmost—was requited by the machine’s responsiveness: it ran through a sentence with me chasing after; often two or three of its letter-tipped praying-mantis forearms pounced simultaneously, snagged together just shy of the page, and had to be teased apart. Somehow slight criminality and quickness of execution fused into the feeling of writing. What I mean is that when I started out, writing was irresponsible immersion. The deal between me and that typewriter was simple: when I sat down at it, it was ready for anything. It had no idea what was going to happen next and neither did I, what appeared on the page could be good or not good, could turn out to be a story or peter out into a dead end, but whatever wanted to appear, the machine made visible. I was typing along in hidden entrancement, I was playing.
The Smith Corona of my first elation buried five cars deep in some New Mexico junkyard.
I want it back.
Book by book, perfectionism hamstrung writing. You’d think this curtailment would be painful. That it would raise loud alarms for a writer. But the crippling approached with anesthetizing softness. For a long while this rise in perfectionism seemed smart, a corrective to the naivete of those nights at the bookstore typewriter. Quickened self-consciousness, elevated standards came with publication, and how could that be a bad thing?—in my hands, it could. In my hands a little fanfare could be twisted into injuriousness. I don’t want to downplay how implicated I was in taking a fortunate beginning and bleeding luck and delight from it. But I would not have believed anyone who told me that was what I was doing. The obsessiveness perfectionism encouraged dovetailed with my image of a serious writer, that outline I wanted to live inside. It didn’t stop writing, it merely diverted it into feats of repetition—of, to be more exact, replication: the same paragraph typed over and over. Sometimes I was down to as little as a single sentence monomaniacally typed out word for word in the hope of its transforming, though no breath stirred through the repetition; it was fearfully self-enclosed, the sentence enacting the plight of its writer. Being dissatisfied with anything less than perfection was so satisfying a state, the claustrophobic drudgery of ad nauseam repetition failed to nauseate me. Look: I was working. The very perfectionism that was shutting down w
riting imbued the process with a thrilled momentousness, gratifying in itself: in my Zeno’s arrow’s flight I was always closing in on the most beautiful thing I’d ever written.
My credulousness in relation to perfectionism’s proffer of the flawless page approaches absolute.
And—another con perpetrated by myself on myself—this delusion of being about to write something incredibly beautiful of course means appearing in print. Effortlessly. In the very near future. This hallucination of the next book’s inevitably appearing infused even my most flagrantly futile writing. Actual and highly fortunate experience had taught me how arduous and prolonged is a manuscript’s progression to published volume. But just as dreams collapse the dreary interval between the wish for a thing and its manifestation, so did perfectionism. Supposedly within the unconscious time does not exist, or rather all times, infancy, adolescence, age, exist simultaneously. Some parallel exemption from chronological order held true within perfectionism, because its exalted object, the incomparable book the poor just-typed sentence dies in comparison to, always already exists. To my psyche, the book I was making no progress on was already done. The need for it to be completed was not available to be felt. Five, fifteen, twenty-two years passed frictionlessly, without a book of mine appearing in print.
The fitful realness a writer senses in a living, breathing work-in-progress had been replaced by a radiant, ultra-real changeling.
Moreover the retreat from the challenge of publication into the Wayfarback of literary disappearance suited me. Within its privacy, beyond the ken of editors and readers who would have rooted for that next book, perfectionism could burn bright. How many never-written books, exactly, would sate its appetite? Had I always wanted to see how much it could take?
Scratched Page 1
