RAIN
“I just can’t imagine loving two people at the same time. To think for one minute a person could come along and make me feel the way I feel about you now, and that I could also feel the same way about her, all the while loving you, is…well, it’s confusing,” Cade said.
“Does this bother you? The fact I love you both?” I asked.
Cade studied his coffee cup for a moment and then glanced up, “No, it doesn’t bother me, but it’s difficult to understand.”
I gazed at him for a long time. He didn’t seem sad or worried. Maybe he was truly confused. He appeared to be happy, and hadn’t done or said anything to lead me to believe otherwise. The thought of upsetting him began to make me feel terrible. I tapped my finger on the table to get his attention, and as he glanced up, spoke from my heart.
“It’s difficult for me to understand as well. But I can’t question it, because I feel it. I think being in an unconventional relationship and having it work out simply means you’ve opened your eyes wide enough to see beyond all of the obstacles everyone else sees as impossibilities,” I said.
“I like that,” he responded with a smile.
“Me too,” I sighed.
“I was thinking this morning. I think love resembles a flower,” he said in a matter of fact tone.
“A flower?” I asked curiously.
He sat clutching his coffee cup in his hands, and smiled.
He held his index finger to his lips as if remembering a specific flower from his past. “A really beautiful flower; say, a Calla Lily for instance,” he breathed.
I widened my eyes slightly, needing to hear more. “So how is love like a beautiful flower?” I asked.
His response caused me to melt into my seat.
“As soon as we’re able to identify it as being what it is - as soon as it buds - we recognize it as potentially being beautiful, and we wait for it to blossom. Eventually, when it blooms, the clear definition of unparalleled beauty captures us and demands our attention,” he paused and lowered his coffee cup to the table.
“We then continue to admire the beauty it brings for as long as it exists,” he said in a soft voice filled with emotion.
“Cade, that was beautiful,” I said as I stood from my stood.
I walked around the edge of the table and hugged him. After quickly surveying the coffee shop, he kissed me softly and continued to hug me for a moment. As he released me from his arms, I grinned at the thought of his kind words, and returned to my seat.
Cade was so much different than any other man I had ever met. He was gentle, kind, and compassionate, but there were words that I felt had never been invented yet that needed to be used to truly describe him. Although he was a man, he was beautiful. His features weren’t feminine, but he would be described by most as being so. He wasn’t a terribly masculine man, but he was one hundred percent man nonetheless. In summary, one would have to describe him as precious. Strangely, although I loved him dearly, the thought of having a relationship with Cade and only Cade caused me to worry. Ethan balanced out the relationship, and made me feel safe being with Cade. Ethan’s physical absence didn’t concern me. Ethan’s absence from the relationship, I was quite certain, would crush what little remained.
For me, it took the three of us to make one working relationship.
Ethan wasn’t overly rough by any stretch, and although having a relationship with Ethan might work, I believed I’d certainly yearn for Cade to be a part of it. Trying to choose one of them to be in a relationship with, no matter how many times I tried to do so, caused me tremendous grief, and eventually I developed an ice cream headache. As a result, I chose to continue to believe I was doing what was right by allowing myself to continue loving them both.
“The thought of having both of you in my life comforts me and makes me believe life happens for a reason. To think of only having one of you scares me,” I said, not fully realizing why or even that I intended to say it.
Cade looked up, and after a moment, nodded his head lightly.
“I never told you about when Ethan and I met, did I?” he asked as he shook his coffee cup.
“It’s empty. Do you need another?” he asked as he stood.
I lifted my cup. It was one fourth full. I shrugged my shoulders.
Cade lifted my cup and grinned, “I’ll get two more.”
After ordering the coffee, he returned to his seat, sat down, and seemed to take the entire contents of the coffee shop into his view before he spoke.
“I was a freshman. Ethan was 24, give or take. So, I’m 18 years old, and believe it or not, I weighed about thirty pounds less than I weigh now,” he paused and raised his eyebrows comically.
“Wow,” I said as I drained the remaining coffee from my cup.
“So I came here from Denver, where I lived with my mother and aunt. I hadn’t been here, I don’t know, maybe a month. I was petrified, I didn’t know anyone, it was a new city, and here I am, all of 18 years old and weighing 130 pounds. So, I’m in this hallway looking for a class, and these three guys started calling me names. They thought I was gay. It was terrible. And all of a sudden, one of them goes flying across the hallway. They were punching me a little, you know, showing off. I held my book bag up, and they were really hitting it more than anything. But anyway, this one goes flying down the hall and lands about twenty feet away. And then the other two turned around,” he paused and motioned to the counter.
He stood up, walked to the counter, and picked up the two cups of coffee. As he walked up to the table, he brushed my shoulder with his hand, rested it along the center of my back, and placed my coffee in front of me. After he returned to his seat, he continued.
“Okay, let’s see. So the other two. They turned around, and this guy is standing there. He was huge, covered from head to toe in muscle, a full beard, and he had tattoos from one end of him to the other. And you know how some guys wear the hats, you know, with the bill all flat in the front? And they say something like Sam’s Surf Shop or San Diego Skateboards or something on the front?” he asked.
I grinned and nodded my head.
“Well, he was wearing one of those and it was pulled down really low where you had to try and see his eyes. And the two guys looked at him and said, we don’t want any trouble. He laughed at them, shook his head, and said it was too late. He asked the one who had black hair, he stared right in his eyes and said did you call him a fucking queer? Just like that. And the one with the black hair nodded his head. And this guy blasted him right there. He hit him right in the face. It sounded awful. The guy hit the wall and crumbled on the floor. So now there’s one left. And this guy with the hat says don’t you or your buddies ever fuck with this guy again, he’s my little brother. If you so much as talk to him, I’ll find you and I’ll fucking kill you. And the last one just stands there shaking, and doesn’t know what to say. And the guy in the hat flexes his muscles like it’s out of habit and turns toward me. I was scared to death. So he turns back to the guy and says the dead kind of dead,” his eyes widened drastically as he paused and lifted his cup of coffee to his lips.
“So…”
He raised his index finger and grinned, “Just a second.”
“So they helped the guy who was bleeding up to his feet, and the kind of carried him off. You know, helped him walk away. And the guy in the hat sticks his hand out and says nice to meet you, I’m Ethan Hawthorne,” he grinned.
“And that’s how we met. Right then and there he asked me if I had any friends. I told him no. And he shook his head and said you do now. We exchanged phone numbers right then and there. Later we found out we had the same major. He’s a genius, Rain. Like a true genius. But he struggles with things that don’t have numbers in them or something. I don’t know. Binary numbers and things no one understands? He gets it. But Biomedical Engineering Lab was hell for him. I helped him with it. He did well, but he had to study. The other classes for him were a cake walk.”
“Oh wow,”
I sighed.
He lifted his coffee cup and nodded his head, “Wow is right. Ethan’s Ethan. He’s a strange one to try and figure out, but I love him like a brother, father, and best friend. All at the same time.”
I smiled at the thought of Cade and Ethan being as close as they were, “I love it that you two are so close.”
He clutched his cup in his hands, and as he gazed down at it, he responded. “I can’t imagine life without him. As hard as it is to understand what we have, you know, the three of us, knowing Ethan’s part of it makes me feel like if it can work, it will.”
“Everything will work out,” I sighed as I reached for his hand.
He glanced up and grinned, “I hope so, because now that I’m here, you know, feeling this, I can’t imagine ever not having it.”
And try as I might, I couldn’t imagine not having it either.
RAIN
When our life changes for the better, holding on to memories of the bitter portions of our past allow us to remember where it was we came from, and appreciate the progress we’ve made. Without making the comparison, we become off balance, and soon view our current situation as a standard of living. I certainly didn’t dwell on my past, but forgetting it wasn’t an option.
“Stop the car,” I said as I tapped my finger against the window.
Staring straight ahead, with his hands positioned on the steering wheel as ten and two o’clock, Cade sighed, “What’s wrong?”
“Just stop,” I said.
Cade pulled the car to the side of the road. We hadn’t traveled a block since leaving the house. As the car came to a stop, I opened the door and got out. Laying on one of the benches a block east of where we lived, a homeless woman struggled to get comfortable with her position on the bench.
My life had become a fairy tale, and I wanted hers to be the same. I realized there was little I could do to change her life, but providing her with a little help might make a difference in how she viewed her life today. As I walked toward the bench, I considered how a small change in perspective might spark a desire for her to make a permanent change. I realized the probability was small, but I needed to try.
Because I could.
I reached into my pocket and removed my wallet. After sifting through the contents, I removed a $100 bill. As I came closer to the bench, she glanced up. After making eye contact, she quickly turned her head to the side in apparent shame.
“Excuse me,” I whispered.
“I’ll be gone in a minute,” she said as she began to sit up.
I considered telling her my story. How I had come from homelessness to living a life dreams were made of in a matter of months. After my quick consideration, I opted to keep it simple, and just provide her with what little help I could give her. Although I saw homeless people daily in the downtown area, seeing her was different. Maybe it was because she was a woman.
“No, it’s not that. I just wanted to say something,” I said as I knelt down beside the bench, clutching the money in my hand.
“What?” she said as she sat up.
Guessing her age was as difficult as guessing anyone’s age who sat in the weather 24 hours a day and 7 days a week for a lifetime. Her face was covered with wrinkles and sun spots, and her hair was frayed and bleached from the sun. The skin on her hands was thin - almost translucent - and her fingers resembled skin covered bones. Her eyes were green with little spots of brown, and seemed as though they had witnessed the events of several lifetimes. As I studied her eyes, I realized I’d never seen eyes that had shown age, and although hers didn’t reveal her age, they unveiled the experiences of her lifetime.
“Here,” I said as I handed her the folded bill.
“I didn’t ask you for anything,” she said as she focused on me and never so much as glanced at my hand.
“I know you didn’t .We were driving by, and I just decided to stop. Here,” I said as I waved my hand in front of her.
She narrowed her gaze and studied me. As she began to tug against the bottom of her jacket, she responded, “I’m just trying to get a little rest. I’m not looking for a hand out.”
Sounds familiar.
“Three months ago I lived a block west of here. On that bench under the tall building,” I said as I pointed over my shoulder.
“And one day a guy rode up on his Harley and asked me if I liked Mexican food. Now I live with him. But I was homeless for almost 5 years,” I paused and held my hand at arm’s length.
She stared at me and blinked a few times as she reached for my hand.
“Yeah, I know. Hard to believe, huh?” I asked.
Please, take it.
She studied me as she shook her head as she reached for my hand.
“You gave me a hundred dollar bill by mistake,” she said as she glanced down at the bill.
“It wasn’t a mistake. And I’m sorry I can’t afford more,” I said with a smile.
“Get something to eat. And there’s a place one block over,” I said as I pointed over my shoulder toward Douglas Avenue.
“And two blocks west. Get a new pair of panties. When I got a new pair it totally changed how I felt,” I grinned.
“Panties,” she huffed.
“Yeah. Panties. Well, anyway. Have a nice day. My name’s Rain by the way,” I said.
She sat silently and stared as if she had no intention of leaving her bench. Her attitude, appearance, and reluctance to accept my offer reminded me of me. Her age was the only difference I could see between us. After a long silence, I turned and walked away, satisfied I’d done what I intended to do. I grinned at the thought of the progress I had made in such a short time, and gave thanks for everything as I walked toward the car.
“Ashley,” she hollered, “Call me Ashley.”
Without turning around or speaking, I raised my hand in the air and waved. As I reached for the door handle, I inhaled a shallow breath, exhaled, and grinned.
For whatever reason, after I got into the car, neither Ethan nor Cade mentioned stopping, the woman, or my giving her money. I wondered if they were uncomfortable thinking of my past; acknowledging it now that they felt I had moved beyond it, or just didn’t know what to say. The silence was a pleasant change, and as we drove east, I smiled and gazed out the window. I seemed to see the world through different eyes now, eyes with a much wider view and clearer vision. As we pulled into the parking lot of the theatre, I realized we had made the entire drive without speaking.
“So what did you decide?” Ethan asked as Cade pulled into the parking stall.
I shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t remember what all the options were. Let’s decide when we get inside.”
I hadn’t been to a movie theatre since long before I was a teenager. As much as I tried to think of the last movie I had seen, the memory escaped me.
The three of us stood and stared at the long list of movies playing. Of the more than a dozen options, one familiar name stood out. Sheepishly, I mentioned it, and hoped for a favorable response.
“Cinderella?” I asked under my breath.
Ethan pushed his way past Cade and me and leaned onto the ticket counter. “Three for the next showing of Cinderella, please.”
I turned toward Cade, clasped my hands together, and grinned.
“Starts in ten minutes. I’ve gotta piss. Here’s the tickets, you guys better hurry up if you want popcorn or anything,” Ethan said as he handed me the tickets.
After buying an extremely large bucket of popcorn and three drinks, we walked into the theatre together. I sat during the previews and stuffed my mouth as I anxiously watched scenes of upcoming Disney movies.
As Disney’s most recent depiction of an old tale played on the screen, I took in every detail, enjoying the fabulous cinematography, costumes, and landscape. Each glance toward Ethan produced a man who seemed to be very content with the movie. Cade, on the other hand, was as theatrical in his reaction to the movie as the actors themselves.
In the end, Cade and I cri
ed. Ethan didn’t say a word about the tears, only that he thought the movie was great, and he was pleased I chose it.
As we walked away from our seats and into the common area of the theatre, Cade had to use the restroom. After Cade walked away, Ethan turned to me and sighed.
“That’s a pretty deep movie when you think about it,” he said.
“It’s a kid’s movie,” I chuckled.
Ethan shook his head, “A kid movie written by an adult. Cinderella’s mother dies, and tells her to believe in an afterlife - basically requiring that she believe in God. And, she tells her she must be good, and if so, she’ll keep a watchful eye on her from up above. Good, evil, God, and the afterlife, all right there. And I’m not even going to give my two cents on the God thing. Okay. Then what happens?”
I shrugged as I mulled over what he had said.
“Her mother tells her to live modestly, and not ask for much. She promises her mother she will comply with her wish. Her father leaves, and although her bitch stepsisters ask for all kinds of expensive stuff, she doesn’t. She asks for the first branch that hits her dad as he’s riding on his horse. The branch isn’t so much a branch, but a symbol. She’s screaming for her father’s attention. For him to bring her the branch, he’s got to stop, turn around, and go back and snap it off. The entire journey, he’s carrying it with him, knowing he’s saving it for Cinderella. So, he’s thinking of her the entire time. He buys shit for the two greedy stepsisters, but for Cinderella? He’s going to bring her a fucking tree branch. The branch is the connection between all of them - her mother, her father, and her. She adheres to her mother’s request of being modest by asking for nothing of monetary value, only a branch. Then, she plants the twig on her mother’s grave, bringing them all back together as a family - metaphorically speaking,” he paused and raised finger in the air.
“Even with the modesty, there’s a message - keep your promises. And there’s the entire be nice to animals part. Everyone treats her like shit, and what’s she do? She gives her only food to the mice. Oh, and after the ball? When her world goes to absolute fuck? I mean really it’s a time when everyone would be like fuck this shit. But Cinderella? Nope. When her stepmonster and the stepsisters are their most evil, she takes a step back and doesn’t react. Back to the be good request of her mother. She maintains her good over evil approach to life. And then, when she gets the most attention, when they’re all talking about her, and she acts like she doesn’t know she’s the sought after one? She’s back to honoring the mother’s request for maintaining modesty. She was the most modest when any other girl would have been arrogant. In maintaining modesty and asking for little, in the end, she wins. And don’t even get me started about the fucking glass slippers. Purity. Virginity.”
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