I’ve chosen to walk away, leaving the two of you to enjoy a lifetime together full of the richest love, fondest of memories, and brightest of futures. If we’re meant to be together, one day we will be.
And if that happens, I’ll be the happiest man on this earth.
Loving you both,
E.
The paper was marked where his tears had dropped onto the ink as he had written it. A quick check of the phone sitting on the paper supported my suspicions, it was Ethan’s. The room was cleaned out, and nothing was left, not even a picture. I reached down and clenched the locket in my hand; and after a moment, opened it and stared down at the three of us.
My heart sank.
I felt sick.
“This can’t be,” Cade cried.
I stood and shrugged my shoulders, handing Cade the note. I stared into the room feeling empty and like a failure. I glanced at the windows facing north, and remembered the night Ethan and I talked all night as we glanced out at the street lights.
Feeling as if I had lost Ethan didn’t cause me to feel that I had lost a lover, I felt as if I had lost a part of me - a crucial part of my being. Now feeling no differently than I suspected a mother would feel if she lost one of her children, I turned toward Cade and began to cry.
“I can’t make it without him, Cade. We have to fix it,” I blubbered.
“I don’t…I don’t know,” Cade hesitated and wiped his eyes.
“I don’t know what to…do. I think I’m going to be sick. This is my fault,” Cade said as he turned toward the bathroom.
“It’s not anyone’s fault,” I said as I turned his direction, “He’s testing us.”
“Why do you say that?” Cade asked as he blew his nose.
“If we’re meant to be together, one day we will be,” That’s what he said.
“We have to find him,” I said.
“How?” Cade sobbed as he raised his hands into the air.
I shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t know. But if he’s gone for good, I think I might die. I love him Cade.”
“I know you do,” he said as he walked out of the bathroom, “So do I. I’ve always felt like he was going to be here for me, you know, keeping me safe.”
As I recalled Ethan’s promise to me, I shook my head, knowing he had left without doing what he promised to do. He said he’d keep me safe from the monster, and now he was gone. Not only did I feel half of my soul had vanished, I felt the remaining half was left vulnerable and exposed, waiting for the monster to attack.
“I don’t know what to do, but I know I can’t live like this,” I said as I wiped the tears from my face.
I glanced down at my feet as Cade embraced me in a hug. As he held me in his arms, I felt little comfort. No differently than trying to choose which of my children I’d be willing to forfeit, I could find no peace in knowing one of the loves of my life was lost. As Cade held me in his arms, I did the only thing I knew to do.
I know you’re out there. I know you are. I’ve never asked you to give me anything, and I guess that’s not going to change. But I need some help. All I’m asking is that you point me in the right direction, I’ll do the rest.
Thank you.
As Cade released me, the severity of Ethan being absent must have hit me. I collapsed onto the floor and began to sob.
And as much as Cade tried to comfort me, I continued to sob. I knew as sure as I was alive, that no matter where I went, and no matter who I ever encountered, nothing or no one would ever replace Ethan Hawthorne.
Nor was I willing to let anyone try.
RAIN
Ethan had been gone a little more than a week, and as much as I felt guilty for feeling the way I felt, the love between Cade and I diminished. After much consideration, I realized I didn’t love the two men individually as much as I had originally thought, but I loved them as a whole. Without Ethan, the chain was broken, and the love I was left feeling was not much more than strong compassion. Feeling truly as if I was the middle piece of a puzzle, and Cade was a third and Ethan the other third, I knew in Ethan’s absence the puzzle was incomplete.
Without Ethan, there was no love. I wasn’t complete. I was broken and incapable of continuing living life as freely and as fully as I had for the last several months. For my life and my love to be able to thrive, I desperately needed Ethan to come back into our lives and make things whole again.
I needed him to complete the chain.
Cade was nothing short of a disaster, and after taking the Monday following our return off of work, he returned to work on Tuesday, only to take the remaining days of the week off, claiming deep depression as the reason. We considered going back to Denver to visit, but we were both such emotional wrecks we felt his mother would have us committed to an insane asylum.
Now simply attempting to make sense of it all, we dragged through each day weighted down by the sorrow of losing a man we both loved desperately.
“I thought the enchiladas would make us feel better, but I can’t even eat them,” Cade complained as he pushed his plate to the center of the table.
“Me neither. Reminds me of him and his brother,” I said as I stirred my fork through the Spanish rice.
“And it reminds me of how much he cared for you,” I continued, “He picked you because he didn’t want you to get hurt. Now this...”
I pushed my plate aside and began to cry. As the tears fell from my chin and onto the table, I stared down at them knowing nothing would ever make this situation any better.
Only Ethan.
I glanced up, wiped my eyes and tried to decide how to continue living life. As I gazed into Ethan’s empty room, I remembered once again the night we talked until the sun came up.
Where are you, you big prick?
Come on, tell me something.
I searched my mind for clues, trying to remember what, if anything, he had told me about what he liked, where he wanted to spend time, or what he wanted to do with his life. He said he had never been out of this shit-hole state, I remembered that.
And he wanted to one day have his own bike shop - where it was warm.
I rubbed my eyes and stared into the room.
And it came to me.
I grinned and turned toward Cade. His face buried in his hands, he was softly crying.
I cleared my throat and tapped Cade on the shoulder. “I know where he is. Well, I think I do.”
“Where?” he asked.
“It doesn’t matter. What matters is this. You and I. We’ve got to be willing to make changes and a huge commitment. I guess along with it, there’s a big risk,” I said.
“What do you mean?” he asked as he wiped his cheek with the back of his hand.
I turned my chair to the side slightly and bit my lower lip for a moment while I thought. As I released my lip, I widened my eyes and began my explanation, “We’re going to have to load up everything we own, quit our jobs, and move half way across the United States. If I’m right, I guess it’ll be the beginning of a new life. If I’m wrong, we’re going to be jobless, and stuck on the other side of the nation.”
“You really think he’s where you think he is?” he asked.
I nodded my head eagerly.
“Talk to Trent. I’ll call in and quit tomorrow,” he said.
It was that simple. I knew at that moment this was meant to be, and everything did happen for a reason. Cade didn’t even have to consider it. He needed Ethan in his life as much as I did, and not having him was killing us both. His immediate response was all I needed to hear.
“It’s going to be sad leaving Trent, but I can’t do anything else,” I said as I stood.
I leaned over and kissed Cade softly. After studying him for moment, I stood and grinned, “I’m going to go down there now.”
“And I’m going to pack when I get home,” I said as I walked to the door.
“I hope you’re right,” Cade said over his shoulder as I opened the door.
As I steppe
d through the door I felt a sharp tug at my heart.
And it came from the west.
RAIN
Living my life, from the lowest of the lows to the height I had been recently been raised to, left me feeling blessed. The elevation of the cloud I was floating on wasn’t so much a result of having things like a roof over my head and clean clothes, but more from the people in my life who had blessed me with their love and friendship.
Trent sat at the table sipping his tea. His eyes were fixed on the center of the table, but seemed unfocused. After a moment of silence, he closed his eyes. I sat holding my cup of tea, feeling guilty for leaving him, but excited all the while about the possibility of finding Ethan.
Still facing the table, he began to speak softly, “Leaving one man who loves you deeply to find another man who loves you even more.”
He situated the cup of tea in front of him and lifted his hand to his face as he glanced up. As he wiped the tears from his face, I began to cry. In leaving Trent I was sacrificing so much more than a job. I was losing a dear friend, a person I had grown to love, and walking away from one of the best feelings I had ever been blessed with. Taking care of Trent provided me with a feeling of accomplishment, and the gift of knowing I was providing someone with something they desperately needed but wouldn’t be able to acquire without my assistance. In short, Trent had become my fatherly figure and my child all at the same time.
“After you let me read the letter, I knew it was a matter of time,” he said as blew his nose into his handkerchief.
“I’m sorry,” I blubbered as I stood.
“Don’t be. I want this more than you do, I really do. Rain, the love you’ve been blessed with happens once in a lifetime for a very select few people. Understand not everyone is as fortunate as you,” he paused and shook his head, “And what you said about the tugging at your heart? Let me see…”
As I stood a few feet from him biting my quivering lip, he gazed up at the ceiling. After a short hesitation, he wheeled his chair from the table and opened his arms, “All we have to do is walk away. True love tugs at our heart until we return.”
Now a full blown blubbering mess, I leaned over and hugged him. Eventually, as I had a few times during the previous week, I ended up on his lap in the wheelchair with him as he held me in his arms. As my tears soaked the front of his shirt, he rubbed my back and rested his head on my shoulder.
After a few minutes my crying stopped. As I fought to find my breath, he swept the hair from my face and inhaled a slow breath.
“Rain, you’re a remarkable woman. To think I’ll never see you again isn’t something I can quite come to terms with. You’ve filled a space inside of me I didn’t even know was empty. I’m not going to say something ridiculous like keep in touch, but I do want to say this…” as he paused, I lifted my head from his shirt and gazed into his eyes.
“I’ve got more money than I’ll ever spend. I don’t want to argue with you about this, and don’t disgrace me by saying no to my request. This isn’t an offer, it’s a request. I need you to do something for me,” he said.
“Okay,” I sighed.
“When you get where you’re going, and everything’s settled, let me know. Additionally, keep me up to date with letters, emails, and photos. You have all of my information, so staying in touch will be simple. But lastly, and you must promise,” he raised his eyebrows slightly as he studied my face.
I nodded my head.
“You’re going to come visit me. I’ll purchase your airline tickets. If you prefer, I’ll fly all three of you back here, but I’ll need you to come see me from time to time, okay?”
Incapable of speaking, I simply nodded my head and began to softly cry.
“I can’t imagine living…” he released my back and raised his hand to his face.
After wiping the tears from his face, he inhaled a breath through his nose, and continued, “I can’t…I can’t imagine living a life without you in it.”
To think for one minute that I had touched Trent as deeply as he had touched me was more rewarding than any gift, sum of money, or object I could ever obtain.
“Now go get your stuff packed, the love of your life is waiting,” he said.
I stood, kissed him on the cheek, and wiped my eyes.
“It’s not going to get any easier, Rain. Just go,” he said as he waved his hand toward the door.
I nodded my head and turned away. Slowly, I walked away, realizing although I may not see Trent for some time, there was a possibility I’d see Ethan soon. As I opened the door I turned toward Trent.
“I love you,” I said.
He reached down and pinched the chest of his tee shirt in between his thumb and finger. As he pulled it forward, stretching it tight out in front of him, he grinned.
“You see what happens when you walk away?” he said a she held the shirt taught.
Awwe.
“I love you too. Tell Ethan he’s a dick, and I’ll see you soon, okay?”
I snorted a laugh and nodded my head.
As I released the door and stepped into the hallway, I knew although I was leaving someone as valuable to me as Trent had become, having Ethan in my life would make me the richest woman in the world.
Now all we had to do was find him.
ETHAN
I would have expected leaving Rain and Cade to be the most difficult thing in my life. After thirty days without any means of contact with them, I realized leaving wasn’t near as difficult as attempting to now live a life without them.
Although my former dream of owning my own shop had become a reality, I didn’t feel I was living the dream. Times change, feelings change, and along with it, we change. My one desire, my dream, and my only shot at a life filled with love was 1,400 miles away, and I had no way of knowing what the future for me held.
Separating myself from Rain solidified my belief of her being my true love. The separation allowed me to see, feel, and fully understand she was the only woman who could complete my life. Now feeling as if I was in a stand-off with God, I lived from day to day wondering not only if he truly existed, but if so, questioning if he would ever place the two most important people in my life in front of me again. If by some miracle they chose to try, and they succeeded, there would only be one true explanation.
I had lived for the last eight years knowing I loved Cade as if he were my brother. Now that he was gone, I realized my love for him was something even I was incapable of explaining. Having him in my life allowed me to set aside my family, forget the loss of my brother, and live from day-to-day with an odd sense of comfort in having Cade as my family. Coming home at night and not having him greet me left me feeling empty and broken.
Living from day-to-day knowing I may never see them again made my life difficult. In some respects, I looked at it as a life lesson. I now knew beyond any doubt the depth of my love for Rain and Cade both, but struggled with the concept of and my belief in God.
The only thing that kept me in a state of mind sufficient to live life was the hope that my leaving may have allowed Rain and Cade to move on with their lives, realize their love for one another, and begin a family. If the sacrifice I made in leaving and the pain I felt in their absence allowed their relationship and love for each other to blossom, I felt I could happily live the rest of my life knowing it was all for good reason.
I loved them far too much to stand in the way.
I held the surfboard tight at my side as I walked down the concrete walk. As I reached the crest of the hill, I gazed off in the distance and grinned at the sight of the beautiful beach. Ten more minutes and I’d be there, perfecting my newest means of escaping my thoughts.
The Big Sur.
Maybe today I’d be able to stay up on it for longer than 60 seconds at a time.
As I walked, I gazed out at the ocean, and focused on the horizon, where the ocean met the afternoon sky. It was a magnificent sight, something more beautiful in person than I ever would have expected.
As I stared mindlessly at the gorgeous sight, slowly my eyes came into focus, and I realized just how majestic the earth truly was.
I stopped, clutched the surfboard, and stared.
If you believe in our love for one another, bring them here. If they find me, I’ll know there’s only one reason they did so. And you have my word I’ll cherish them both for a lifetime.
RAIN
Driving across the United States I didn’t feel I was leaving anything, I felt as if I was going home. As each mile clicked away on the GPS, I felt I was one mile closer to the end of my journey in life. Each mile caused me to feel a little bit safer, more distant from the monster, and closer to having my life back where I knew it belonged.
Cade didn’t hesitate to quit his job, sell some of his belongings, and pack up the remaining items into a moving van. His love for Ethan, as different as it was, was as great - if not greater - than mine.
“The turn off for Grand Canyon is coming up in a few miles. You want to see one of the wonders of the word?” Cade asked.
“There’s only one thing I want to see, and it isn’t a canyon,” I responded as I stared at the GPS.
We had 702 miles to go. At a 70 mile an hour average, we’d be there in 10 hours.
“Ten more hours,” I said cheerily as I clapped my hands together.
I kicked off my flip-flops and propped my feet on the dash. Although I was enjoying seeing the sights on the road, my mind was elsewhere. I knew there were no assurances I would be right about my belief in where Ethan was, but his letter left me no alternative but to believe this was a test on his part.
A test of our love for him.
And our devotion.
“Will you be alright if we just go ahead and drive straight through?” Cade asked.
I nodded my head as I glanced at the GPS. It was 10:00 am. With the one hour we’d gain when we crossed into the Pacific time zone, we’d be there around 7 o’clock at night.
“Yep, just keep driving. We can get a room, and then tomorrow, it’ll be Monday. In the morning we’ll start our search,” I said as I reached for the bag of dried fruit Cade had purchased for us to nibble on.
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