A glance at my watch reminded me I had to get ready for work. The one great thing about working Friday night was that I wasn’t tempted to go out. Funny how I never realized how quickly money disappeared. When I’d realized that every time I went out to eat, it took almost an hour of my wages, I’d pretty much stopped doing it. Unless Julie absolutely insisted. And even then, I’d get something light. It just wasn’t worth an hour when I could make the same meal at home for half as much.
In the last few months, I’d learned how to make all sorts of dishes, especially Latin-American specialties. Not that I’d ever be able to prepare them for the person I’d learned them for, but Julie enjoyed them.
Any day now Brock would be a father. At least, based on the dates he’d given me, I assumed his ex-wife would be due about now. Maybe he was already a father. Maybe they’d be grilling out this weekend. Cooing over their new bundle of joy.
“Ugh! What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just let him go?” I pulled my hair up in a ponytail, traded out my shorts and T-shirt for my work pants and smock, then charged out the door. Work, I had found, was a great distraction. Between school and work, I kept myself busy enough that I didn’t have time to dwell on Brock Ryan … or Nathan, or anything that I couldn’t change, for that matter.
So many times when I was alone, I found myself saying, “What if?” But “What if?” didn’t accomplish anything. “What if?” was the cry of a child, not a woman who’d finally found her way in life, a no-longer-spoiled girl who’d found a job, a career goal, and even volunteered at the pregnancy center.
No, I wouldn’t allow myself to go down that path. I had faith. Faith that when the man of my dreams crossed my path, I’d know it, and I wouldn’t screw it up next time. Which meant that thoughts of Brock Ryan were off-limits. How would I know when Mr. Right crossed my path, if my eyes were skyward, dreaming of a man I’d never be able to have?
Chapter 31 – Brock
As much as I wanted Mai to be at the hospital with me, I’d decided not to call her. Not yet. I wasn’t sure why, but I still couldn’t bring myself to forgive Caitlyn. And Mai could see through me faster than any person on the planet. Maybe once the baby was born … once I held it. I’d spoken with some of my friends who’d unintentionally become fathers. They’d told me how they’d refused to accept their role. Until they’d held their baby. Had looked into the baby’s eyes and seen their own eyes staring back at them. Was that what it would take to forgive Caitlyn and move on with my life, even though it seemed the furthest thing possible?
The elevator to the women’s floor was so slow it felt ominous, as though I were walking The Green Mile. That’s what I felt like, I realized, as if I were on death row, heading toward my execution.
Why? Why couldn’t I make my heart obey? Caitlyn had kept her end of the bargain for five months, and she was having my son. That should be enough. But it wasn’t. I simply couldn’t get the image of Caitlyn and that scumbag … naked … in our bed … out of my head. Mai had warned me that if I couldn’t forgive and forget, we’d never have a healthy relationship. And while I hadn’t thrown Caitlyn’s misdeeds at her in the last five months, they still plagued me. Every time we tried to get intimate, all I saw was another man pumping my wife.
While I was still in the safety of the elevator, I smacked my head against the wall. “Get out of my head. Forget! Forgive and forget! Then I pounded on my chest. “And you need to forget Charity! Your son needs you. Cat needs you.” Instead of feeling stronger, more determined, grief enveloped me. My head pounded, and sweat permeated my clothes, worse than if I’d worked outside all day.
The elevator dinged, and I inhaled a deep breath, forcing myself to calm down. It was just nerves. I was going to be a father. Naturally, I was nervous.
“Brock!” My ex-father-in-law made a beeline toward me. “Thank God. Cat’s freaking out. Won’t listen to anything anyone tells her. She doesn’t want you to miss anything.”
A heel. I felt like a total jerk. Caitlyn was trying to mend our relationship and all I kept thinking about was myself. I followed Bill into the hospital room, watching as Caitlyn relaxed as soon as she saw me.
“Brock …” Caitlyn said on a sigh.
Her heart monitor sped up for a second, then slowed down. Another beeping, which sounded faster, competed with her heart rate.
“I’m here,” I said. “Sorry, I was in a meeting.”
Caitlyn stared up at me. “Meeting?”
“Yeah. Good news. Tom is going to let me buy him out,” I said in a whisper, not really wanting to discuss the situation while Bill was here. After all, I was his competition. Already more than half of the clients I’d serviced with Bill’s Plumbing had come over to Tom’s.
“You’re not going back to work for Daddy?” Caitlyn screeched. “He needs you. Joe isn’t good enough.”
“Cat,” Bill said behind me. “It’s okay. I’m fine, sweetheart. How ’bout you worry ’bout bringing my grandchild into the world, and not about my business?”
I turned to face Bill. “Sorry … I didn’t expect that announcement to upset her.” I lowered myself in a chair next to Caitlyn’s bed, wondering why it mattered. Why wouldn’t she be happy that I would finally have my own business when she knew it was all I’d strived for in the last few years?
The monitor came to life, and Caitlyn reached for my hand, squeezing it. Never would I have imagined that petite little Caitlyn would have had so much strength. She nearly crushed my hand. Every muscle in her face tensed, but she barely released a grunt, which surprised me. Caitlyn didn’t have a high tolerance for pain — or anything, for that matter. I had expected to hear her screaming, even though it was still very early. Didn’t the extreme pain come in the final hours, not right at the beginning? A few minutes passed, and her face finally relaxed.
“You okay, Cat?”
She peered up at me, sweat dotting her forehead. “Yeah … Just intense.”
I looked up at the nurse who’d come in when the contraction started. “Is that normal? To be so intense this early? I thought labor took hours.”
“Every pregnancy is different. Some women take days to get where Caitlyn is. Others get to this point within hours. Then sometimes, it just stops. No two deliveries are the same.”
***
The hours continued until they turned to days. But Caitlyn was so far along, they wouldn’t let her leave the hospital.
Thirty-five hours in, Caitlyn stalled at nine centimeters.
“Cat,” I coaxed. “You’re exhausted, and this isn’t good for the baby. You need to consent to the C-section.”
Sweat beaded on her forehead, but she whipped her head back and forth. “If I have a C-section, my body —”
“Cat!” I shook my head. Nothing I could say … The woman was so vain that she would risk the baby’s life. I only had one option, and I hated to keep pulling the I’m-gonna-leave card, but what else could I do when I was dealing with a child? “Caitlyn, you need to do this. For your safety, for the baby’s safety,” I tried once more.
Tears poured from her eyes, and this time, she dropped her head into a nod. “Only if they knock me out. I don’t think I can watch.”
With a gentle squeeze to her arm, I looked to the midwife, who nodded in agreement. “I’ll tell her doctor.”
***
“Mr. Ryan,” a nurse called, and I jumped out of the deep leather chair. Since Caitlyn was unconscious, I wasn’t allowed to remain in the room. At least the hospital tried to make the women — and the men — comfortable through these long hours, though.
“Is Caitlyn okay?” I asked. “And the baby?”
The nurse nodded. “Ms. Ryan is in recovery, but you can see the baby if you want.”
I gulped, then felt a smile lift my cheeks. My son. “Yes … I would like that.”
She turned, so I assumed I was supposed to follow. She led me to Caitlyn’s room.
“I’ll be right back,” the nurse said.
When
she came back, she carried a swaddled bundle of blue and white. “I need to see your wristband, please.”
I held up my arm and she confirmed that the names matched, then lowered the bundle into my arms. I bit down on my lip as tears and laughter competed with each other. I wasn’t sure if I was happy or sad as I looked at the beautiful child who wasn’t mine, nor did he belong to the man I couldn’t stop seeing in my head every time I looked at Caitlyn.
The baby had beautiful brown curly hair, and his skin was the color of warm caramel. It was hard to tell through his eyelids, which were mere slits, but his eyes looked brown. As tan as I could get in the sun, my skin wasn’t dark, nor was Mai’s, and my father was alabaster pale.
This wasn’t my son. Without a doubt, Caitlyn had cheated on me with more than one man, and I was positive I knew who that other man was. Thankfully he was a good man, even if he wasn’t a good judge of character. At least I could claim young and dumb when I’d hooked up with Caitlyn.
The door opened, and several hospital staff wheeled Caitlyn’s bed into the room. I lowered the baby into the bassinet so I could talk to Caitlyn.
“Hey …” she said groggily.
I smiled. “Hi, Cat. How are you feeling?”
“Mm’k, I guess.” She stared up at me; even groggy, she seemed to sense something was wrong. Maybe she did know me better than I realized.
I looked up at the hospital staff. “Could you excuse us for a second?”
The nurse gave a knowing nod, which made me understand the odd way she’d behaved earlier. She’d known, too. Maybe she’d thought I’d freak out when I saw the baby.
“Did you see your son?” Caitlyn asked. Odd that that hadn’t been her first question when she came in. Even odder that she hadn’t asked if he was okay.
“Yeah. He’s beautiful.”
She smiled, relaxing a bit.
One more chance, I thought. I could try once more. “Cat, can I ask you a question?”
She nodded.
“I’m trying to forgive and move on. You know I am.”
Her head bobbed slightly.
“I know it’s poor timing, and I don’t want to upset you. But if we’re going to be a family, I have to know. Did you … Have there been any other men, other than the guy I caught you with?”
She bit down on her lip and shook her head. “No … I told you. Just that one time.” She choked on a sob. “I —”
I soothed her arm. “It’s okay. Don’t get upset.” I walked to the door, knowing the baby would have to eat and bond with his mother.
The nurse was waiting patiently. “Come on in.”
“Brock?” Caitlyn called after me.
“I have to make a phone call. I’ll be right back.” As I pulled out my phone, I watched as the nurse lifted the baby to Caitlyn. I pressed Joe’s name at the same time Caitlyn looked up at me. And then the other nurse who’d been with Caitlyn left and closed the door so I couldn’t see what was happening. All I could hope was that Caitlyn would be a good mother and not blame her child for her indiscretions.
Loud chatter, music, and clinking streamed from the phone. It sounded like Joe was in a restaurant. “Brock! What’s up?”
“Hey, Joe. Can you get to someplace quiet?”
“Hang on.” The connection was muffled for a couple of seconds. “Everything okay?” Joe’s voice echoed through the phone, so he must have gone into the men’s room.
“I need to ask you a question, but you need to know I’m not mad. Okay?”
Joe sighed, which told me all I needed to know. Men were good about that. Once they were caught, they usually came clean when it came to confessing a sin against a friend. If we were in the same room, he’d probably make me punch him. I wouldn’t, of course. I didn’t really blame Joe. No telling what Caitlyn had told him.
“You slept with Cat, didn’t you?”
“I’m so sorry, man. We were drinking … She said y’all were going through a divorce. Not that that’s an excuse. And not that it matters, but it was only once. When I found out the truth, I turned her down. Then when y’all really divorced, she wasn’t interested in me no more. I’m surprised she hasn’t gotten her father to fire me like he did you.”
“Yeah … I’m surprised too. So, you dating anyone?” I asked.
“Nah … Got a few honnies, but never seems to work out, you know. They always wanna sleep with me, but none of them ever wanna take it to the next step. ‘Fraid what their friends and parents will think, you know? I need to stop dating white girls. Black girls are so much more upfront. Say what they mean, mean what they say, you know? But what am I supposed to do when these women keep asking me out?”
“Sounds like a tough problem to have.” I laughed. “When did women get so devious? I thought men were supposed to be the pigs.”
“Yeah … Tell me ’bout it, man!”
“You like kids, Joe?” I blurted out.
“I suppose. I still meet my kid brother to play ball at least once a week. Why?”
“Well, I don’t wanna scare ya, brother, but Cat does seem to like to hunt in her own territory.”
“Whaddya sayin’, man?” Joe asked.
“Well, I’m in the hospital, and Cat just had her baby …”
“Ahh … man. Nah … Oh, damn! You messin’ with me, man?”
“No, Joe. He’s a handsome boy, though. You need to come and see him for yourself.”
“Ahh, man! How in the hell am I gonna explain this to my mama? She’s gonna skin me alive for getting a woman pregnant. Not to mention that Cat will probably snub her nose at my mama.” He sighed. “Damn. All right. I’m on my way.” And Joe hung up. Joe was a good man. He’d make a good husband and father if Caitlyn was really ready to clean up her act.
I walked back to Caitlyn’s room and peeked in.
“Brock, I’m —”
“Sorry?” I asked, cutting her off. “I know you are, Cat. It’s okay. I’m not mad anymore.”
“Really?”
I stepped over to the bed and knelt down to see the baby nestled in her arms. He certainly was a good-looking baby, and that was saying a lot. I rarely thought newborn babies were cute. They always looked like they needed a few more hours in the oven. But this boy’s coloring and face structure were perfect. He was sure to be a heartbreaker someday. “I’m really not mad. But try to treat Joe better than you treated me.”
Caitlyn’s head popped up. “Joe?”
“Cat, seriously, how long you gonna keep up the lies? Joe’s on his way here. He’ll make a good father.”
Her bottom lip trembled. “But I don’t want Joe.”
God, she was pathetic. “You should have thought about that before you slept with Joe — and God knows who else.”
“But you said if I —”
“I said if the baby was mine and if you stopped lying. I asked you if you slept with anyone else, and you said no. And that, my dear ex-wife, was the last lie I will ever have to hear from you again.”
Chapter 32 – Charity
My parents’ tiny beach house was alive with laughter, some kind of sport on TV, quiet conversations and loud ones, microwave chimes and the clinking of dishes, and even a game of cards.
For the first time in my life, I loved it. Every noisy, obnoxious second of it.
I made my way back to my bedroom, where my cousin had gone to lie down. Seven months pregnant with twins, I had a feeling Kayla wasn’t enjoying the family holiday as much as I was, for once.
The door was open a crack, so I peeked just my head in. Kayla was just staring out the sliding glass doors at the Gulf.
“Hey … You okay?” I asked.
“Yeah,” she said through a laugh. “Just tired. Then again, I’m always tired. That’s what happens when you’re as big as a barn.”
“You’re not as big as a barn. More like a tool shed.” I wrapped my arms around her and rested my head on her shoulder, kissing her on the cheek. “And you look beautiful. Breathtaking, really. So shiny and b
ronzed. Man, I wish I tanned as well as you do. And you don’t even try.”
Kayla laughed. “Well, that just means you’ll have fewer wrinkles than me when we’re old and gray.”
I shrugged. “So, are you excited?”
Kayla bobbed her head slightly. “Yes, and no. Nervous. I feel as though I’ll never be ready. Thank goodness Jesse thought to have everything ready. I’m a basket case anymore.”
“You’re going to be a great mother, Kayla. I just know it.”
Kayla patted the bench in front of her. “How ’bout you? Anyone new in your life?”
“No.” I inhaled a deep breath. “I just can’t seem to get over him.”
Kayla cocked her head. “Nathan?”
“No … I’ve forgiven Nathan. I know that there’s nothing I could have done. Even if he’d confessed the real reason he’d broken up with me, even if we’d gotten back together, I couldn’t have saved Nathan. Only Nathan could have saved Nathan, by reaching out and asking for help. But he wouldn’t. He preferred to hold onto the pain and anger. As if that was what held him together.” I shook my head. “But you know all about that.” I looked up at Kayla, and she just nodded, so I continued, “It’s Brock’s face I see every time I close my eyes. If only I could stay busy every second of the day, maybe I’d stop thinking about him, and wondering … what if?”
“Yeah,” Kayla murmured. “Jesse said Brock’s a nice guy.”
“Maybe too nice … Too nice to tell me what an idiot I was. But at least there’s a chance he’ll be happy. And I really did need the time to sort myself out. I feel so much better now that I have a goal, and that I’m not living the life I used to.”
“I don’t want this to come out wrong,” Kayla said, her tone soft and reassuring, “but I’m so proud of you. You seem so put together right now.” She lowered her head as if in my confidence. “I’m a tad envious.”
Love Until It Hurts (Crazy Love Book 2) Page 18
