Chapter 23
Nothing to Lose
I'm not sure how long I stayed on that floor, contemplating the drastic shift my life had taken. Before this tour had started, I'd been so sure that Kellan and I were soul mates, destined to be together forever. While I'd had fears that he'd finally wake up and realize that he could do so much better than me, I'd also clung to the belief that he'd never stray because I was the first person he'd let into his heart. I'd believed that that had sealed us, cemented us together. But maybe, all it had done was branded his body. Maybe my name tattooed across his chest was enough, a symbolic representation of how I'd opened him, freed him to love himself. . . and others.
And now, now that we were over, I was sure he would love again. I was sure that he'd get back on the road, banging groupies left and right until he got over his heartbreak, and then he'd find her. She'd be sweet, maybe shy, and she'd have complete faith in him. Because their relationship wouldn't have started like ours did.
We'd started out with a betrayal. We'd both watched each other lie to a loved one. We'd both watched each other sleep with other people, all the while being in love with one another. Desperately in love. Watching that sort of betrayal, being a part of it. . . it soured you.
We both knew what we were capable of. Maybe we'd doomed ourselves from the very beginning. Maybe I'd done it. When Denny had come back from Tucson, I should have told him what had happened while he was away. It would have ended us, but we were already over. It would have been a clean break, an honest break. Maybe then, Kellan and I would have had a chance.
Staring at my bedroom ceiling, sleep impossible, I clutched my cell phone, waiting for Kellan to call me and tell me that he didn't mean it, that he hadn't broken up with me. He didn't call though, and I knew that he'd soon be rejoining his band tour. . . and I'd never see him again.
Biting my lip, I debated if I should break down and call him. What would I say? What could I say? I could only plead my innocence, but Kellan didn't seem to believe me. He had for a brief moment, but then. . . Whatever faith he'd had in me was gone now. And I really wasn't sure why.
Running my hands back through my hair, I considered calling Anna and asking her to come home. She was staying at a friend's house, finally feeling happy enough to rejoin her social circle. I didn't really want to drag her back down with my depression. Maybe I could call Jenny?
Just as I was considering punching in her numbers, my phone chirped at me, telling me I'd just received a text message. Hoping against hope that Kellan was talking to me, I scanned the screen.
I sighed. It was from Denny, not Kellan. Biting my lip, I opened the message. 'Just checking on you. . . everything okay?'
Not sure if anything would be okay again, I texted back, 'No. . . Kellan broke up with me. '
At least, I think that's what I wrote. I couldn't see past the tears to be sure. By Denny's answer, it must have been.
'I'll be there in five. '
I wanted to object, to tell him that he didn't have to give up a night's sleep for me, since he did have to go to work in a few hours. But I didn't respond, because I really didn't want to be alone.
Sniffling into my pillow, I waited for the hole in my heart to stop stabbing me with pain. I waited to not feel like my life was over. That's all I felt, though. . . that everything was over. Every happiness I was ever going to have in my life, I'd already had. Every joy, I'd already felt. I thought of every time Kellan and I had been together. If I'd known that it would end so abruptly, maybe I would have cherished each moment a little more.
But then I realized. . . I had. I'd always cataloged every second with him. Memorized every feature about him, every word he'd said, every placed he'd touched. I'd known. Some scared, insecure part of me had known we wouldn't make it. . . so I'd savored him. My sobs started back up.
My bedroom door cracked open a while later and a soft sigh met my ear. I sat up on an elbow as Denny stood in my doorframe. In my grief, I must not have locked the front door after Kellan left. Then again, even if I'd been thinking straight, I don't think I could have locked the door behind him. I could never shut Kellan out like that.
Denny looked tired as he watched me, his dark eyes sympathetic. Smiling softly, he sat on the edge of my bed, the bed Kellan and I had made love in, not too long ago. "I'm so sorry, Kiera. . . I really am. "
I nodded and threw my arms around Denny. He sighed into my hair as he rubbed my back. As I held him close, I waited to feel. . . something. . . for him. I didn't, though. Even in my grief, even knowing Kellan and I were done, I felt nothing for him but an overwhelming desire for his friendship.
Relieved that I felt that way, I squeezed him tighter. "He's gone, Denny. He said he was done. He said goodbye. . . and he meant it. "
Denny sighed again, returning my firm hug. "Is this because of me. . . or because of what Kellan's been hiding from you?"
I blinked and pulled back to look at him. Denny shrugged. "Maybe he feels guilty for what he's done. Maybe he wanted an out. . . and you gave him one?"
I sniffled and wiped my face off on a blanket. "I don't know. . . he won't talk to me. " Anger crept into me at the thought that maybe all of that argument had been more about Kellan's guilt over his whore, and not about him catching Denny and I together.
Tightening my jaw, I spat out, "He told me that he believed me about you and I only being friends. Then he had sex with me. Then he dumped me! Who does that?"
I flushed over explaining what had happened with Kellan so bluntly to Denny, but he only sighed and shook his head. "I don't know, Kiera. . . I'm sorry. "
As Denny's eyes flashed over my face, concerned, I saw the same friendship that I felt for him reflected back to me. That's all there was between us on his side, too. Abby had his heart, and she would probably never do to him what Kellan had just done to me. And why did he do it? If Kellan didn't trust me, if he didn't believe me, why didn't he just break up with me? Why have sex with me first? One final romp? God, that. . . pissed me off.
Pushing back from Denny, I scrunched my brows. "Can you do me a huge favor?"
He nodded, his expression confused but eager to help. "Yeah, of course, anything. "
Unraveling myself from my blankets, I stood. "I need a ride, and Anna has the car. "
Denny tentatively stood, eyeing me warily as I threw a sweatshirt over the tank top of my pajamas. "Um, a ride where, Kiera?" His accent slid over my name as his question came out slowly and cautiously.
Sliding my feet into some slip-on shoes, I twirled my hair up into a loose ponytail. "A ride to Kellan's. "
Denny sighed, apparently fearing that was where I'd wanted to go. "Kiera, maybe you should just let this one go. . . ?"
Standing straight, I glared at him. "I can't. . . let him go, Denny. I love him, and if he's going to leave me, then I'm going to know why. I'm going to find out the truth. " Grabbing Denny's arm, I started pulling him out the door. "Even if I have to beat it out of him. . . " I muttered.
Denny sighed again.
He was silent on the drive over to Kellan's, probably wondering how to talk me out of this conversation I was about to have. I hoped I'd have the strength to have it, but really, I didn't have anything to lose. Kellan and I were over, what could he possibly say to me now that would hurt worse than that?
More, I just hoped he was home. He could have gone straight back to the airport, trying to catch an immediate flight back to. . . wherever his band was. I just prayed that he needed a minute to collect himself. Hopefully the end of our relationship was enough to make him need a moment alone.
When his car was in the drive when we pulled up, I exhaled in relief. He was here. At least he was still here. Then my nerves crept up. He was here. . . and we'd have to have the conversation we'd held off on having for so long. It tightened my stomach and I immediately wanted to go home. Instead, I opened my door.
Denny cracked his too and I paused, shakin
g my head. "No, it will only make it worse if you come in. " Sighing, I said, "Thank you for doing this. . . but you can go home now. "
His dark brows bunched as he looked over my face. "Kiera, I don't think. . . "
I placed my hand on his arm. "I'll be fine, Denny, and you've done enough. More than enough. " Smiling, I tilted my head at him. "Go home, get some sleep while you can. . . " Smiling wider, I added, "Or go call Abby and tell her how grateful you are to have her. I know she'd love to hear it. " I laughed, feeling no humor in me.
Denny smiled and looked down. "Yeah, maybe I'll do that. " Peeking back up at me, his eyes narrowed. "You call me, though. . . when this is over. " He raised his eyebrow and waited until I responded.
I sighed, a sadness washing over me. "Yeah. . . I will. " Leaning over, I kissed his cheek. "Thank you, friend. "
He smiled as I pushed open the door of his sporty rental. "Anytime. . . mate. "
I grinned at the nickname he'd never, ever used on me, then stood and waited in front of the car. Waving as he backed away, I quietly thanked him again. I couldn't see his response through the glass, but I was sure he was shaking his head at me, wishing me well, but thinking I was crazy for coming here.
Twisting back to Kellan's house, I started to agree with him. Maybe I was crazy for coming here, especially since Kellan had been quite clear about the fact that things between us were no more, but I had to know. He knew what I'd been hiding. . . I had to know what he was hiding.
Exhaling shakily, I stepped up to his front door. Not wanting to use my key, since technically I shouldn't anymore, I quietly knocked on it. I didn't expect him to hear me, so I was preparing to knock even harder when the door cracked open.
Kellan's cool eyes stared at me through the crack, then he rolled them and shut the door in my face. Not expecting that, I blinked and stared at the heavy wood in my vision. Did he seriously just slam the door on me?
Irritation beating back my nerves, I opened the door. Surprisingly, it was unlocked. Kellan's back was the first thing I noticed-his back walking away from me again. After stepping in, I slammed the door behind me. He flinched and twisted to look at me.
Sighing, he ran a hand through his shaggy hair. "I'm not doing this, Kiera. I'm not having this conversation again. . . we're over. "
He twisted around again and I grabbed his arm. "No, we're not, Kellan! Not until you tell me the truth. "
He twisted to face me, his eyes dark with fury. "You first!"
I sighed, releasing his arm. Throwing my hands in the air, I sputtered, "I did! I told you the truth about Denny. Nothing happened! Goddamn it, why don't you believe that anymore? Or did you ever really believe me? Was that a lie just to have sex with me one last time?"
His face paled as his jaw dropped. "You think I knew that I was going to break up with you before I slept with you? You think I'd even touch you, if I knew what I know now!" His eyes flashed down my body again and I flushed, furious.
"And what the hell do you think you know!"
His face disgusted, he backed away from me. "You still can't be honest, can you?" Gritting his jaw, he lifted his chin defiantly. "I saw, Kiera. I saw the tests. . . the positive tests. " His face darkening, he took a step towards me. "You shoved them in my drawer, with my clothes, just so I'd find them! Did you really think I'd stick around once I did?"
My jaw dropping, I took a step back. "What are you talking about?"
My nerves tingled as I started piecing together what he was so angry about. He didn't let me puzzle it out for long, though. His hands flinging to my body, he yelled, "I know you're fucking pregnant, Kiera, so stop acting like you're fucking innocent!"
I was speechless as I stared at him. I could clearly remember Anna, in her denial stage, shoving a paper bag full of positive pregnancy tests into my dresser drawer. . . Kellan's dresser drawer. He must have wanted to put on some clean clothes after our romp. He must have opened the drawer and seen them. . . and assumed they were mine.
And of course he would assume that. Why wouldn't he? They were in my room, in the drawer I'd set aside for him. God, did he really think I'd ever tell him something that serious like that? How cold did he think I was?
I shook my head and his eyes sharpened dangerously. "Don't even try and deny it now. Not now, now that you know I know. Admit it, Kiera. Admit the truth. . . for once in your life. " His face softened and I saw the sorrow in his eyes. He thought I was pregnant. He thought Denny got me pregnant while he was gone. . .
I shook my head again, stepping up to him. "Kellan, no, Denny and I didn't-"
He cut me off, shoving me back from where I'd tried to touch him. "Don't, Kiera. Don't give me another half-truth. You lied about Denny being here!" I shook my head and he added, "No, Kiera, a lie of omission is still a lie!" He leaned into me, "You should know that better than anyone," he whispered.
I flushed and swallowed, wanting to assure him that I wasn't the one who was pregnant, but not knowing how to at this point. He wouldn't believe anything I said right now. Having no idea what to say, I found myself whispering, "I've only been with you. . . "
He curled his lips into a sneer. "Until today, we hadn't had sex since December," his eyes rested on my stomach, "and I intimately know that you're not showing yet, so you're not four or five months along. " His hate-filled eyes flashed up to mine. "I'm not stupid, Kiera. . . I know the kid isn't mine. "
I swallowed and tried to tell him that I wasn't pregnant, but he didn't let me speak. Bringing his face right into mine, he seethed, "If you're still going to try denying that you slept with Denny, then go ahead, Kiera. . . tell me the only thing you can. Tell me you were raped. " His eyes flashed, the anger in them powerful enough to make my knees start shaking. "I dare you," he added.
My jaw dropped at where he'd taken the conversation. Anger surged through me and my hand came out to smack him. I was inches from his face when I stopped my hand. I couldn't blame him for saying that to me, thinking what he thought. It was his history coming around to bite me in the ass. His mom had done it to his dad, and his dad had hated Kellan for it, in utero.
Kellan didn't even flinch from my near-strike. He only continued staring me down. I dropped my hand and Kellan smirked at me. Shaking his head, he quietly said, "You can leave now. "
My eyes tearing up, I whispered, "You're so wrong. . . "
Turning away from me, he started walking into the living room. "Am I?" he tossed over his shoulder.
Balling my hands into fists, I started to follow him. "Yes, you are completely off on this one. I didn't sleep with Denny, I didn't sleep with anyone. I'm not the one who-"
His jacket, hanging on a hook near me, chirped, signaling a new text message. Remembering why I'd really come here- to get the truth from him, the hypocrite- I made a beeline for his coat. His eyes widened as he realized what I was doing.
"Kiera, no!"
He moved towards me fast, but I was much faster. I had the phone retrieved and the message displayed before he got anywhere near me. Shaking my head, I read the text aloud to him. "Call me. I need to see you. " My voice shook in my own sudden anger.
Kellan's face was pale as he looked at the phone and my eyes, seeming like he was afraid about what I might do. His hand shaking, he extended it to me. "Please, give it back, Kiera. "
Gripping it tighter, my body shaking as his secret started bubbling to the surface, I shook my head. "No, no I think I'll text the hussy back. " I started to type in a message, but Kellan. . . flipped out.
Running to my side, he snatched the phone away and shoved my shoulder. He'd pushed me into the jacket hooks and a flash of pain went through me as I scraped against one. I winced and rubbed my arm. Kellan's eyes softened apologetically, but he clenched the phone to himself in relief.
Shaking my head, tears in my eyes, I snapped, "Who's the liar now, Kellan!"
He shook his head, his face still pale. "This is different. This isn't about y
ou and me. "
I put my hands on my hips, confused. "Then tell me the truth. What are you hiding?"
His eyes flashed to my body, hardening up again. "It doesn't concern you, and I don't have to tell you anything anymore. "
Stubborn, angry tears leaking down my cheeks, I threw my hands in the air. "Fine, keep your fucking secrets, Kellan. " He blinked at my seldom used swear, then gritted his jaw.
Knowing nothing good would happen if I stayed, I twisted back to the front door. He did nothing to stop me from opening it. The cool night air refreshing my face, I paused as I stared out into the empty night. Feeling just as empty inside, I tossed over my shoulder, "And just so you know, I'm not pregnant, asshole. . . Anna is. Griffin knocked her up in Boise and she's freaking out about it. "
With those words, I stepped outside, slamming the door shut behind me.
I was halfway across the street, having no idea where I was going, since I didn't feel like going anywhere, when Kellan opened his front door. "Kiera, wait!" He yelled at me to stop, but I didn't. We were done. I didn't have to listen to him anymore. . . and I was pretty pissed off.
I was on the other side of the street when he finally caught up to me. Breathing heavier, he jerked my arm to make me stop. A slight wind whipped around the light lounge pants I was wearing, but I barely felt the chill. I had way too much adrenaline in me.
His gorgeous face looking like I'd just told him that pigs had started flying, he stared at me open-mouthed. "Anna? Anna's pregnant?"
I jerked my arm away from him, raising my chin. "Yes. " My answer was crisp, as clipped as I could make the sound.
He flinched at my tone, then tenderly tried to put his hand on my arm. I pulled away, not letting him touch me. "Why didn't you tell me?" he whispered.
I sighed, feeling the tug of love in my soul as his sad eyes flicked over my face. I wanted to forgive him everything, but I couldn't. I didn't trust him. "Anna made me promise not to say anything. " Hanging my head, I added, "She's not sure if she's going. . . to keep it. "
Kellan's body straightened in my vision. I peeked up at his face, the light wind ruffling his hair. His eyes were cautious. "She's not. . . she's not going to. . . "
He swallowed, not finishing his question. I shook my head, understanding it. "No, she's going through with the pregnancy, she's just not sure about. . . adoption. " I sighed again, hoping my sister didn't go that route. Even being half-Griffin, I wanted to know my niece or nephew. It wasn't my choice, though, and I'd support her, no matter what she decided.
Kellan let out an exhale. "Oh, good, I'd hate for. . . "
He trailed off and bit his lip. I watched his contemplative eyes. Kellan could have been an aborted baby, his mom had had reason enough. I supposed he had a strong feeling on the matter, since he could have easily never been born. I wondered how he felt about adoption, since that might have been an easier childhood for him. Then I hardened my heart again. It didn't matter what he thought. . . not anymore.
Just as Kellan rolled his eyes and muttered, "Damn Griffin. . . I'm gonna kill him. . . " I twisted to keep walking down the street to nowhere.
Kellan didn't let me get five paces before grabbing my arm again. "Wait. . . please. " I reluctantly looked back at him and he shrugged. "I'm sorry, Kiera. . . please don't walk away. "
Pain and anger stinging my eyes, I removed his hand from mine. "You basically called me a whore and said you never wanted to see me again. Why shouldn't I walk away?"
Hanging his head, he shrugged. "I didn't know. " He peeked up at me. "I thought. . . Seeing Denny here. . . and then. . . those tests. . . " He swallowed and closed his eyes. "I just thought. . . I thought what happened to my dad happened to me. I thought you had another man's baby in you. I was just. . . angry. I've never felt that ill. . . " He opened his eyes and tilted his head. "I'm so sorry that I didn't believe you. "
I nodded, understanding how he'd come to the conclusion he had. His face relaxed at seeing me acknowledge his apology. He started to wrap his arms around me and I stiffened, pushing him back. He scrunched his brows together and I lifted my hand, showing him the ring encircling my finger.
"I kept my promise. . . I was faithful. " I jerked my thumb back at the house, where his phone was safely tucked away. "Were you?"
His eyes looked back to the house and he bit his lip. Twisting back to me, his eyes latched onto the metal around my finger, then down to the matching ring on his hand. "Kiera. . . it's not what you think. "
I grabbed his cheek, forcing him to look at me. "I don't know what to think, because you won't talk to me. What does that text mean?" I whispered.
His cheek was cool in the night breeze, but seemed even cooler as he stared at me with fear in his eyes. "I can't. . . I don't think I can. . . "
He stammered for more to say and I shook my head, angrily. "You have to tell me now, Kellan, because this is tearing us apart. " I pointed down the road, to the stop sign that indicated the end of his street. "Tell me now. . . or I keep walking, and we really do end this. "
He shook his head, tears in his eyes. "Please, don't leave me. "
Even though his face made me want to cave, even though I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around him, kiss him, beg him to take me upstairs and make love to me again, but slowly this time, I forced myself to hold firm on my ultimatum. It was now or never.
I raised my eyebrows, waiting. He swallowed, then scrubbed his eyes. "Ugh, Goddamn it. . . " he muttered. Closing his eyes, he took a few deep breaths. When he opened them again, he seemed. . . resigned. "Okay, I'll tell you. " He looked around the empty street. "But not here, alright. . . let's go back inside. . . "
I exhaled a shaky breath, resigned as well. Whatever this was between us was finally going to be put out in the open. . . and I wasn't entirely thrilled about it. Kellan took my hand and led me back to his house. He kept his head down the entire way and I watched a shiver go through him. I figured it wasn't from the light breeze either.
Back inside, he indicated his lumpy couch as he gently shut the door. It was the first time in a while that a door had been shut quietly around us. As I sat down, he started pacing in front of me. It spiked my nerves and I wanted him to sit down. He seemed to need the release of movement, though, so I said nothing.
Shifting back and forth, he wiped his palms on his jeans, like he was nervous. It was odd to see on him, he very rarely got nervous. Glancing at me at every turn in his back and forth strut, he still didn't say anything. Thinking he wasn't going to be able to, I tried starting the conversation. "Who was that on the phone?"
He stopped and brought his fingers to the bridge of his nose. "Ugh, I can't. . . start there, Kiera. "
I bit my lip, nodding and waiting for him to start where he could. Sighing, he stopped moving and stood in front of me. Running his hand down his face, his expression so worn I thought he might drop at any moment, he shook his head. "Back in December, a girl came up to me backstage. "
I felt my stomach tighten as he paused. So it was about a girl? I wished I could say I was shocked. . . but I wasn't. Seeing my expression, Kellan slumped a little. "She told me. . . "
As Kellan stopped to swallow, a sudden burst of insight hit me. It was so obvious. I didn't know why I hadn't thought of it sooner. Dread and sadness filled me as I completely understood. "She told you that you have a child. . . right? Sometime in your life, you weren't safe. . . and now, somewhere out there, you've got a kid. "
Tears filled my eyes as my vision of a future with Kellan irrevocably shifted. He'd never shut out a child and I'd have to share a piece of him with another woman. . . forever. Sadness that I wasn't the one to have his firstborn nearly overwhelmed me, and a lone tear rolled down my cheek.
Seeing it, he squatted in front of me. Cupping my cheek, he shook his head. "No, Kiera. . . that's not it at all. " Sighing, he rested his head against mine. "There isn't a miniature version of me out there anywhere, Kiera.
. . okay?"
Swiping my fingers under my eyes, I scrunched my brows, even more lost than before. "Then what is it, Kellan? Because I really don't understand. "
He sat back on his heels, his head down. "I know you don't. And I know it seems like I'm hiding an affair. . . " Looking up at me, he shrugged. "Do you really not see, knowing what you know about me, what might make me. . . lie to you?"
Pain flashed through me that he'd openly admitted to lying. More tears running down my face, I shook my head. He exhaled, looking a little defeated that he'd have to tell me, that I couldn't guess it so he wouldn't have to say it. Closing his eyes, he whispered, "She told me that she wanted me to meet. . . her father. "
When he opened his eyes, they were moist. I blinked, surprised. "Father? That's. . . odd. "
Kellan smiled sadly, shaking his head. "Yeah, well, she seems to think that. . . he might be my father, too. "
He'd said it so quietly that it took me a moment to register the words. When I did, my mouth dropped open. "Your father, too? So she's your. . . ?" I blinked, my mind still processing. "Wait, your father? Your biological father? Is he? Is she. . . your sister?"
"Yes, she showed me an old picture of him and even if the resemblance hadn't made it painfully obvious. . . I'd seen the same picture before. Mom showed it to me once. . . " Kellan swallowed, his eyes brimming with tears as he held my gaze. "And I can't, Kiera, I just can't see him. . . I can't do it. "
I was so floored, I had nothing to say. I stared at him in complete shock. Every scenario that I'd ever dreamt up about Kellan's secret revolved him keeping the truth from me because of guilt, because of a girl. I'd never once imagined that he'd been hiding things from me out of pain, because he couldn't deal with the situation.
I couldn't imagine anything more life-changing for Kellan right now than contact from the man who'd spawned him. Spawned him, then abandoned him. He'd left him to a fate that no child should have to go through. I couldn't even really imagine what Kellan was feeling right now-confused, hurt? Or maybe he wasn't feeling anything yet. Maybe he was suffering a case of denial that rivaled my sister's.
Wondering if that was why he hadn't just told me from the very beginning, I leaned over and cupped his cheeks. His eyes flashed between mine, like he was a wounded animal in a trap that he desperately wanted to run from.
"Why didn't you ever say anything to me?"
He immediately started shaking his head. "I know you. You'd want me to meet with him. You'd want me to have some. . . bonding family moment with him. . . and I. . . I can't, Kiera. "
Sighing, I stroked his cheek with my thumb. "He's your family, Kellan. . . "
Kellan shot to his feet. "No, no he's nothing to me!" Running his hands back through his hair, he started looking around his home, his parents' home. "He left me. He took off and abandoned me. He let me grown up with. . . those. . . people. " His body started shaking, his jaw clenching. "He wanted nothing to do with me. . . so I want nothing to do with him. . . "
His voice cracked in his anger and I stood. Stepping into his trembling body, I ran my hand up his chest, to his jaw. The strong muscles there were still clamped tight as Kellan looked anywhere but directly at me. "He didn't know what situation he was leaving you in. How could he? Maybe he thought he was doing you a favor by stepping away, by not permanently breaking up the family he'd already. . . damaged. "
Kellan's eyes snapped down to mine. "A favor? My dad used to whip me with his belt when he got angry. He'd hit me so hard that I had to sleep on my stomach for days afterwards. And I learned early on that running away from him would only make it worse when he did catch me. So I had to stand there, like a dog, and let him beat me. How is that. . . a favor?"
Kellan's eyes watered as he told me a horror that he never had before. I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head. "He didn't know. . . maybe you should see him so you can tell him, so you can finally talk about this stuff with someone. "
He brushed past me, shaking his head. "I don't need to talk about it, Kiera. I'm fine. " He looked back at me as he resumed his pacing. "And I don't need to see him. . . ever. " He raised his chin. "Besides, I do have family. I have one aunt who despises me as much as my mom did. But I don't care. I don't need them. I'm fine on my own. "
Knowing Kellan hated to be on his own, hated being alone, I shook my head and stepped in front of him, breaking his cycle of movement. "That's just it, you aren't on your own anymore. You have family members out there that want to get to know you. " He started to look away from me and I ducked down to meet his eye. "You have a sister, Kellan. . . don't you want to know her?"
Sighing, he paused and looked over my shoulder. "Hailey told me I have a brother, too. . . "
I smiled at how his family was getting bigger and bigger. He'd been alone for so long, maybe this was a good thing, not the nightmare he seemed to think it was. "Hailey? Is that your sister?"
Kellan nodded, then looked back down at me. Shrugging, he said, "I gave her my cell number once she told me who she was, and we've kept in contact. " He smiled a little, then a short laugh escaped him. "She's pretty funny. Pretty smart, too. We've been talking a lot lately. . . she's a good kid. "
My eyes widened as a puzzle piece locked into place. "That's who Jenny saw you talking to all the time when she was visiting Evan? Your sister, right?"
Bunching his brows at me, he shook his head. "Jenny? In Texas?" He looked away, puzzled, then looked back, an answer in his eyes. "Is that why you thought I was cheating on you? Because Jenny saw me laughing on the phone with someone else?"
I bit my lip and nodded. Pointing to his jacket on the hooks by the front door, I frowned. "Plus all of the mysterious texts you wouldn't let me see. You have to admit that was kind of suspicious. "
Hurt at how he'd tried to shut me out of his life crept into my voice, and sighing, Kellan cupped my cheeks. "I'm sorry. . . I never meant for any of this to hurt you. I just wasn't ready. . . " He hung his head and swallowed. "I wanted to tell you, so many times. . . but I could never make myself say the words. "
Looking back up at me, he shrugged. "It was like, if I told you. . . it was real. . . and I wanted to pretend that it wasn't. " He closed his eyes and shook his head. "I just wanted to ignore it. . . ignore him. . . " His voice hardening, it started to warble with emotion. "But Hailey gave him my number, and he texts me every day. . . every Goddamn day. . . "
Opening his eyes, he dropped my cheeks and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Every day he sends me messages, and every day I ignore him. " Sighing, he tilted his head up to the ceiling. "And I'm getting so tired of it all. . . I just want him to leave me alone. "
Leveling his head, he exhaled wearily. "I even thought about changing my number, so he wouldn't have it anymore, but. . . I wanted to still be able to talk to you. And I couldn't exactly tell you why I wanted to change it, without telling you why I wanted to change it. " He shrugged. "So I get painful texts everyday that I try to forget about. "
Kellan sighed again and I saw the weariness in his expression. The torment was getting to him. I supposed I could understand why he'd want to hide from his dad. Why, out of spite or hatred, he'd never want to see him again, but I couldn't believe he'd let the torture of his life chip away at him like he had. As I stared at the weary man before me, I tried to picture the energetic man who'd begun this fateful tour. They were nearly two different people now.
He sniffed and scrubbed his eyes, clearly fighting against breaking down and I rubbed his shoulder. "This is killing you, Kellan, don't you see that?"
He gave me a wry glance, like he thought I was overreacting, but he didn't see the threadbare person that he'd become in just a matter of months. "No, it is. It's eating at you. . . I can see it now. Have you talked with anyone about this? The guys? Evan? Have you been dealing with this alone. . . all this time?"
Slumping, he headed over to sit on the couch. "Who would I tell, Kiera? Everyone thinks my dad died
with my mom. " Looking up at me, he shrugged. "You're the only one I've ever been able to tell about my dad. . . not being my real dad. " He swallowed. "I just can't get the words out around other people. " Tilting his head, he gave me sad eyes. "Just you. . . "
Sitting beside him, I put my hand on his knee. "But your real dad contacting you. . . ? You had to keep that from me?"
He looked away. "I didn't want to, and I did try to tell you a couple times. . . " He looked back. "It was just too hard. . . too fresh. " Lowering his head, he whispered, "I'm sorry if I hurt you. . . "
Cradling his head to my body, I felt the tears escape my eyes. "It's okay. . . I get it. " As he exhaled and wrapped his arms around me, I whispered, "Christmas Day. . . was that text really from Griffin?"
Kellan stiffened in my arms, then pulled back. His eyes glossy, he shook his head. "No. . . that was from him. " Cupping my cheek, his deep blue eyes searched mine. "I'm so sorry I lied. . . I just didn't want you to ask. . . I wasn't ready. "
I nodded, more tears sliding down my skin. "All those texts. . . ?"
"Were from him, I promise. " Leaning his head into mine, he gave me a soft kiss. "They were all from him. I'll let you look at them if you want, if you don't believe me, but that's all I've been hiding. . . I promise. " He kissed me again. "I promise. . . "
Letting all my fear and doubt melt away from me, I melded my lips to his. "I believe you," I whispered. And I did.
His fingers on my cheek wrapped around to my neck, drawing me into the kiss we were sharing. So sure that we'd never have this intimacy again, I savored the sweet taste of him, the intoxicating smell of him. But even as our mouths started shifting the conversation into a different one, a more physical one, I felt his body trembling with the residual torment he was feeling.
Separating from his touch for a second, I pulled back to search his face. Passion was there, as it always was when we were together, but pain, too. "You need to see him, Kellan. You need to put this chapter behind you, so you can move forward. "
He shook his head, leaning in to kiss me, to distract himself with the only thing he really knew how to block pain with-sex. I forced myself to push him back, even though a part of me wanted to cave. "You need to," I reiterated.
His eyes narrowing, he clamped his mouth shut. Inhaling deep, he shook his head again. "This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you. " I started to object, to reason with him that talking with the man who'd created him, then abandoned him, would help Kellan heal, but he didn't let me get out two words of my speech.
Mouth set in a firm line, eyes hardened into a firm decision, he again shook his head. "No, you can save all of your logical reasons and philosophical viewpoints. I will never see that man. Got it?"
Then he stood up and walked away, shutting the door on the conversation so hard that I felt my head rattle. Kellan wasn't ready and I didn't think he ever would be.
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