by S. L. Naeole
“You’re not making this easy on yourself, you know,” he said as he straightened and began to close the door. “If you’re angry at Robert that’s one thing, but you’re going to drive away the rest of us who care about you, too.”
He turned around to face me and I saw the sadness in his eyes that hadn’t been there when we had arrived home. “Stacy and Lark and I all see what not being with Robert is doing to you, Grace. We see that you miss him, we see that you hurt when he’s not around, and when he is. What we don’t see is why you can’t.”
I looked at him and felt a hot flush come to my face. “I do see it,” I told him as the heat crept to the rims of my eyes, pulling the moisture from them and wetting my cheeks with scorching tears. “I do see it, but I’d rather live with how I feel now than with the possibility of him hurting me again later hanging over my head like a noose. I can’t live life that way, Graham. I won’t.”
He shook his head at my answer, disappointed. “And you’re going to drive everyone else away because you’re afraid that he might hurt you again? I could hurt you again, Grace, but you took a chance on me. Why?”
I tried to look away but he forced my face to hold still. Instead, I averted my eyes. “Why, Grace? Why would you give me a second chance after what I did to you? I broke your heart, remember? I made you the laughingstock of the school. I’m the reason Erica’s in your life now. It was all my fault and yet you and I are closer friends now than we were before. Why?”
“Because I love you,” I whispered.
“And you love Robert,” he murmured. “You love him much more than you ever did me.”
I shook my head and refused to look at him as I explained. “It’s not the same. I’ve known you my entire life, we grew up together, we know everything about each other.”
“And what do we have to show for it, Grace? We’ll both be leaving here after graduation, right? You off to California and me to Florida—complete opposite ends of the country.
“And I won’t have any real reason to come back here once the divorce is finalized—Dad’s selling the house so I won’t really have anywhere to stay. Stacy…well, let’s face it, Stacy’s going to be gone by the time fall semester starts, and Lark’s already insisted that she’s moving to Florida to be with me, so what do we have to show for that lifetime friendship, Grace?”
I felt the harsh sting of his words hit home when he pointed to his bag that sat packed beside the sofa. “Are you leaving?”
“I’m going to move back into my house tomorrow,” he said in a low voice. “Dad’s in rehab so the house is sitting empty. If he’s going to sell it, it has to be cleaned up and Lark said that she’d help me with it starting tomorrow.”
“So you’re leaving.”
“Grace, what do you expect? I can’t exactly be with Lark if her being around here reminds you too much of Robert, and even if that weren’t the case, she’s not exactly too happy with you right now after what happened upstairs with Stacy, so she’s not going to want to even be here. I love you, Grace, but you’ve chosen to put everything on pause until you start to feel better, and I can’t live my life at a standstill.”
“I understand,” I managed to whisper, and then turned around and walked upstairs to my room.
“Grace,” I heard Graham call out, but I kept walking. I closed my door and crawled onto my bed, not bothering to pick up my pillows, simply laying my head on the comforter.
It didn’t take too long for him to knock softly on my door and open it, not bothering to wait for my response.
“Grace, I’m sorry,” he said as he sat on the edge of the bed. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I only wanted you to see that you allowed me back into your life for far less, and though I love you, and I know you love me, what we have is nothing compared to what you and Robert have. When he says he’s going to love you forever, he means it. I can’t give that to you. I can’t even give that to Lark—she’d chew my head off for even saying that word.”
I looked at him and laughed. “That’s true. She’s done it to me a few times already.”
“I believe you,” he said, laughing along with me.
We stayed that way for a while, softly laughing at the idea that Lark put the same kind of fear in the both of us, and all over a simple word. It was the kind of simple pleasure that one could only get from a best friend, and the idea that soon we would be separated by thousands of miles and an entire continent nearly overtook me.
“Are you going to keep in touch?”
“What, when I move back next door? Sure, I’ll send you some smoke signals from the backyard,” he quipped as we lay on my bed, his head towards my feet and mine towards his.
“No. I meant when you move to Florida. Will you keep in touch?”
“If Lark is with me, there’s no way I won’t be able to. She’s got a direct line to her brother, remember?”
I said nothing to this because I didn’t have anything to say.
“Grace, whatever your decision when it comes to Robert, you have to realize that he’s not going to leave your side. He loves you. I can say that with a straight face and totally not crack up because I know what it means to love someone the way he does you. I also know that what I feel for Lark probably pales in comparison to what he feels for you, what with his wings and his…winginess and all, but if I could, I’d stay by her side forever.”
I pushed his head with my foot and smiled. “Look at you, getting all sappy and stuff.”
“Hey, watch the feet. Or better yet, wash the feet.”
I started laughing again and imagined that each bout of laughter was lifting a piece of the sadness that had nearly consumed me just moments before off me and sending it somewhere far away. I began to feel lighter, relaxed, and it wasn’t long before the lull of sleep pulled me under, closing my eyes to the sight of Graham’s sock-covered feet beside my face.
It was those same feet that woke me up not two minutes later when he asked me something that I hadn’t expected.
“Have you ever thought about going to church?”
Shocked, I replied with a garbled “no” followed with an even more garbled “why”.
“I guess because of what Robert and Lark are. They’re angels, you know? They’re bona fide, wing-having angels. Granted Lark looks a lot hotter than I ever thought an angel could, they’re still the things that are talked about in church and stuff. I just think that if I’m going to be dating one, I should at least know more about them, and I figured that going to church was a great way to start. Haven’t you ever considered it?”
I shook my head. “No. Robert never asked that I go, never even brought it up. Whatever I needed to know, he’d tell me himself.”
“I guess I could just ask Lark, right?”
Nodding, I told him that she was the best source for answers. “I don’t know what you’d be able to learn from a church that you couldn’t learn from her.”
“That’s true, I guess. I just feel like I should know so much more. Maybe it’s because you already do.”
I patted his knee and sighed. “Graham, what I know doesn’t really amount to much, and most of it has to do with Robert more so than with angels in general, which is what you wouldn’t be able to know anyway. Just trust that Lark will tell you everything you need to know, and maybe most of what you want to know, okay?”
“I guess,” Graham conceded. “How does all of this work, anyhow? She can read my mind so I can’t keep any secrets from her, which means if she tells me something that weirds me out, I won’t be able to hide that from her.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at his fear. “Graham, you’re the only person whose mind she’s chosen not to read. At first she did, but I think when she realized that she really liked you, she stopped. She’s allowed you to keep your thoughts private, and I don’t see why she would stop now just because you two are dating.”
I could feel the tension in him leave at my words and he exhaled with relief. “You gotta understand why I’m so
worried, Grace. I’m a guy—I can’t help where my thoughts go sometimes.”
I laughed harder. “I know exactly where your thoughts go, Graham.”
“I guess you do, huh? So, totally personal question here so you don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to, but have you and Robert ever…I mean, I know you said you didn’t, but I don’t know what to expect if things get hot and heavy between me and Lark, and if you had any advice…you know, I could use some.”
I raised my head to look at him, mild shock registering on my face. “Are you seriously asking me for sex advice?”
He rolled his eyes at my question. “Who else am I supposed to ask? It’s not like I can talk to the guys about this you know.”
Sighing, I laid my head back down. “To be honest with you, nothing’s ever happened between Robert and me. I wanted something to happen, anything, but he always held back. He said he couldn’t control himself or something like that, that these are all new feelings for him.”
Graham sat up and stared at me, his mouth gaping. “Wait, these are all new feelings for him? Whoa—are you saying that angel-boy is a flying V?”
I kicked his shoulder at the tone of his question. “I’m a virgin, too, Graham. And if I’m not mistaken, so are you so I suggest you quit with the false-shock.”
“Oh, I’m not falsely shocked here, I’m genuinely shocked. He’s how old and he’s never done the deed? Ever?”
I covered my face and groaned into my hands. “Is this what you’re going to be thinking about every time you see him from now on? That he’s still a virgin?”
He leaned over me and grabbed my hands, effectively removing them from my face. “Actually, I’m just glad that you can talk about him without bursting into tears, and that you hinted at him being around more often.”
“I told him he can follow me around, to keep me safe for my dad’s sake. I didn’t say that he’d be ‘around’ more often. Chances are you won’t even see him when he is anyway, so don’t get your hopes up,” I mumbled. “And besides, you’re supposed to be on my side. You’re my best friend!”
“That’s exactly why I’m hoping that you’ll turn around and realize you’re making a big mistake by not giving him a second chance. I see how good he is for you, Grace, even if I don’t like what he did, even if sometimes I don’t understand it. And I know that he loves you so much he wouldn’t have done anything to deliberately hurt you.”
“What do you know about love? You thought you were in love with Erica Hamilton.”
He nodded in concession to that point, but he looked down at me from his position and frowned. “I know that you’ve never been as happy as you’ve been since Robert came into your life. I know that he’s given you reason to start living your life the way you should have been living it all this time: as your own person and not as someone clinging onto my coattails, hoping that someday, the jerks I hang out with would accept you.
“Before Robert, there was no way you’d have entered a costume contest, or worn a dress that looked way too good on you to be legal. Before him, you’d have never become friends with someone like Stacy or Lark, and you definitely wouldn’t have ever stood up to Erica.
“You love Robert, and because of that, you see yourself capable of doing things that you wouldn’t have been able to before. I’m not entirely bright—I know my reputation for being a dumb jock is well deserved—but even I can see that Robert’s given you the courage to finally step out of your shell and show everyone just how great a person I’ve always known you to be.”
I raised my good arm and wrapped it around Graham’s neck, pulling him down in an awkward embrace. “I love you, Graham.”
“I know.”
I laughed and punched his shoulder. “And oh-so-modest, too.”
He rubbed the spot that I’d hit and laughed with me. “Hey, what can I say? I’m smooth with the ladies. I love you, too, Grace. Always have.”
He grinned at me, a foolish, boyish grin that hinted of a time when we were younger and love involved action figures and cartoon characters. It was the kind of love that was safe and unfettered with other things; like life.
And I realized that it was exactly the kind of love that had kept me in that shell he had spoken about because I was afraid of what else was out there. It was safe to fall in love with him, safe to pretend that he was what I’d truly wanted and needed in life because even when he had hurt me, he hadn’t. Not really. When compared to the pain that I felt when Robert had told me about Sam, I realized that Graham had merely bruised what Robert had been able to destroy. I simply had had no basis for comparison with Graham, and so the first cut felt like the deepest.
But I also knew that the risk involved with loving Robert had reaped rewards far greater than anything I had ever experienced with Graham. I couldn’t deny that, not when even now, thinking about him could still cause my dead heart to feel like it was whole in my chest, thrumming away as though it had never stopped.
I just didn’t know if that was enough.
“Grace, promise me you’ll think about it, think about giving Robert a second chance, okay?”
I eyed him as I responded. “Is this more for me or for you?”
“Well, to be honest, it would make things easier on me—I’m beginning to understand how hard things were with you when Robert and I didn’t get along—but I don’t see you being happy with anyone else, Grace. Who could compete with having an angel for an ex-boyfriend anyway? You’ve set that bar pretty high, you know.”
I giggled at that. “That’s true. Alright-alright, I’ll think about it, but that’s it.”
He pounced on me and brought me hard against his chest in a very brotherly embrace. “Thank you, Grace.”
“Ow-ow-ow-squeezing-hard-ribs-shoulder-ow!”
He let me go, gently, and grinned sheepishly. “Oops.”
APRIL
Going back to school that next day drew a lot of complaints from Graham as he kept pointing to my arm and the swelling that had formed in my cheek from where I had bitten it. “You’ve got bandages around your ribs. How are you supposed to go to school walking around like half a mummy?”
On and on it went as we ate a cold breakfast of cereal and milk, while I brushed my teeth in the bathroom, and while I somehow managed to find a shirt that I could pull my arm through without causing any serious pain. Finally I’d had enough when we got to the car and he refused to unlock the door, insisting that I stay home.
“Graham, so help me, if you don’t unlock this door I’ll tell Lark that you wet the bed until you were nine!”
It was a low blow, but I had run out of patience. He gasped at my threat but unlocked and pushed the door open, saying nothing as I climbed in.
“Sorry,” I said when we were turning into the school’s parking lot, the quiet ride there finally too much to take.
“I deserved it, I guess,” he mumbled before pulling into a stall and parking. “I still think this is a bad idea.”
I sighed and acknowledged his concern. “I can’t run from this, Graham. School is almost over. Two more months and I’ll never have to see her face ever again.”
“I wasn’t thinking about you hiding out for two months, just a couple of days. Maybe even a few weeks, just until all of this dies down and people stop talking about it.”
I looked outside of the window at the crowds of kids gathered outside of the school’s entrance and sighed. “It wouldn’t matter if I did spend two months hiding at home, Graham; you know the kids like good gossip, and I’m pretty good at giving it to them. I can deal with this.”
“Are you sure?”
I nodded. “Besides, I’ve got my trusty bodyguard with me, right?”
Laughing, he nodded in return. “Yup.”
He exited the car quickly to help me out, and together we walked towards the school’s glass double doors. Surprisingly, no one made a single quip or comment, no jokes or whispered innuendos when we passed by. They smiled and nodded, some even waved an
d said hello. It was a very different experience to say the least.
As we walked through the entrance, Mr. Kenner was standing outside of the office, his face expectant. As soon as he saw me, he called me over. “Miss Shelley, could you come into the office, please?”
“O-okay,” I replied as I followed him, Graham not leaving my side.
“Please, have a seat right here while I get some paperwork for you to sign,” Mr. Kenner said as he pointed to a row of empty seats that sat in front of a long counter. From behind I could see the registrar, her pink cheeks flushed as she watched Mr. Kenner rush by.
“Why aren’t you in your office Mrs. Mayhew?” Graham asked her. I looked at him in surprise. Who knew the registrar’s last name?
“Oh, Miss Lampley had a family emergency and the office assistant, Mrs. Vickers, is on vacation so since I really don’t have much to do until summer, I offered to fill in here. And how are you doing, Graham? Still handsome as ever I see. And who is this with you? Why it’s Miss Shelley. Hello Grace, how has your school year been?”
I stared at her incredulously. “Are you kidding?”
She laughed and waved her hand at me, brushing off my shock. “Oh dear, I’m afraid that I don’t get to hear much gossip when I’m in my little office—these young ladies here in the front get to hear some wondrous things, though, and I’m afraid that it’ll take me until the start of next school year to catch up.”
I looked at Graham with confusion. “How can she know who everyone is and yet not know what’s been going on?” I whispered.
“How should I know?” he replied and then grinned at Mrs. Mayhew. “So, what kind of gossip have you heard so far?”
Though she made an attempt at a devious smirk, instead it came off looking more like a constipated grin, and she leaned over the counter so that her whispered words could be heard better.
“Well, supposedly Mr. and Mrs. Hoppbaker are going through a rough patch—seems Mr. Hoppbaker didn’t take too kindly to Mrs. Hoppbaker’s weight loss as well as she had hoped and he now thinks that she might be cheating on him with a fellow teacher.”
