by S. L. Naeole
Not wanting to know the answer just in case I made myself too nervous to step foot out of the bathroom, I began to get dressed. I put on my underwear and bra, but rather than putting on the t-shirt and sweats that had been included, I opted instead to wear the shirt that I had taken from Robert’s closet.
I closed up the front, unbuttoning them and re-buttoning them several times, rolling up the sleeves to just above my elbows. The bottom edge was torn yet hung well below my waist, just grazing the top of my knee. It was odd, but simply being in something that belonged to him, something that tied the two of us together gave me a strength that I didn’t realize I needed. I felt a confidence build within me and I was glad for it.
There was a knock at the door. “Are you decent?”
“Kinda,” I replied, not a hint of nervousness in my voice.
The door opened and Robert walked in, a hairbrush in one hand. He stopped just short of the doorway when he saw what I was wearing, the hairbrush clattering to the ground.
“I-I don’t think you should be wearing that,” he stuttered, his eyes dropping lower and lower, taking in my bare legs and feet.
“Why? I wear less at home—a tank top and boxers covers far less than this shirt does.”
“You don’t understand, Grace…”
I walked up to him and stroked his jaw with an errant finger. “Then help me to understand, Robert.”
Walking past him, I could almost hear the wheels in his head turning as he tried to find a way to explain what it was that he meant, and I let out a sly smile before turning around and sitting on the bed, tucking my lips beneath my teeth in a poor effort to hide my amusement.
“With all of these angels underneath one roof, it’s difficult not to feel empathic.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know that my wearing one of your shirts was going to get you so…upset.”
I held my hand out for the brush, watching as he bent down to retrieve it before walking over to me slowly, ignoring my outstretched hand and instead sitting behind me on the bed. He took my hair in his hands and touched it gently. I instantly felt the knots loosen, the wild tangles free themselves.
I turned around to face him, unable to contain my smile any longer. “You cheat.”
“So do you.”
It was like a sudden wave of motion had hit me when I found myself lying on the bed, my legs splayed out, my hair flung behind my head. Robert’s hands were holding mine above my head, his lips curled up into an almost diabolical grin. “Now, let’s get one thing clear: I’m not upset. I’m as far from upset as I can be, although there is some unrest brewing within me.”
He pressed his body into mine, the weight of it feeling deliciously unnatural. I bit back a moan and fought to free my hands so that I could pull his face closer to mine. He clicked his tongue in disapproval, his smile only increasing as he tickled my chin with his nose.
“Did you think you could get away that easily?”
“Am I being held down for a reason?”
His breath was hot against my throat as he spoke. “Don’t you like being mine?”
“Of course…but…could you let go of my hands, please?”
“Why?”
“I need them.”
“For what?”
“Well, I need to change this shirt.”
“You’re going to change?”
I nodded.
His answer was slow in coming. “Okay.”
He removed his hands from mine and rolled onto his side, propping himself up on a lazy elbow, a satisfied look on his face.
I sat up and rubbed my wrists as I looked at his expression. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
He waited for me to stand, to head on over to the bathroom and put on those baggy sweats. But I had other plans. My hands rose to the buttons on the shirt, my fingers quick with them after having practiced in the bathroom.
I had managed to get four buttons undone before Robert’s shaky hands stilled mine. “Don’t-”
“Don’t what? Change your shirt? But I thought that’s what you wanted.”
“Grace,” he groaned. “Please. You know this is not what I meant.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand. You said you wanted me to change this shirt, so I’m going to change this shirt. There are several more in your closet I could put on. I saw a really nice blue one…”
His eyes closed and I saw that he was taking measured breaths in an attempt to calm himself before saying anything more.
I struggled to pull my hands free, frustrated that he was so much stronger than I was. “Robert, let go.”
“No.”
“No?”
“No. I’m sorry, Grace. I’ve tried to be strong, I’ve tried to keep you safe, from Sam…from me, but I’m not as strong as I thought I was. I-I can’t do this anymore. I can’t fight it, Grace.”
Alarmed, I pushed myself up, using his hold on me as leverage. “Robert, what are you talking about?”
Robert’s head bent down and I felt his kiss push through me, landing straight into that part of my heart that didn’t know whether or not it wanted to beat or fly through my chest. He forced me down, and I landed with an ungentle flop on the coverlet, Robert’s hands no longer pinning mine down.
Instead, they were exploring, roaming down my arms and landing on my hips, his thumbs pushing into them when they lifted in some reflexive motion that caught us both by surprise and he lifted his face away. I raised my arms to wrap around his neck, needing him to stay close to me, not wanting him to flee like all of the other times before. I looked into his eyes and my breath caught as I took in the scorching hunger that caused them to turn into silver flames beneath their glassy dome.
My lips parted, a moan desperate to escape from them slipping through just before his mouth once again crashed down onto mine with an almost desperate need, and the world began to spin away as the air around me grew thin…or was it because I had simply stopped breathing? Robert’s touch was growing lighter and lighter. I tried to focus on his eyes, but they, too, seemed to fade away while growing darker at the same time, his pupils dilated to maximum.
“Robert?” I breathed, feeling my arms fall to my chest as his body disappeared, replaced with the filmy haze of black mist that floated over me. It covered me, rolling over my skin like sweet smelling smoke.
I arched my back as I felt the soft, silky trails run beneath the fabric of the shirt that had been the catalyst to all of this. I saw the hem rise, lifting and adjusting to the strange interloper as it pushed up towards my chest. Trails of the semi-transparent mist escaped through the slits between the buttons that I had not been able to release from their holes, little puffs of smoke that hinted at the fire that was slowly building up inside of me.
"Robert what are you doing?" I said in a half-groan, half-gasp before another burst of nerves stole my breath from me. Like a teasing feather trailing up and down my sensitive skin, the curls and wisps of the dark haze traveled over me, under me, and God help me, it felt like through me.
The silky fog wound around me, caressing my face with the delicate brush of a warm breeze, tickling my lips that felt puffy from the urgent kiss that had preceded such unimaginable bliss. If I concentrated, I could taste it, taste him, and the knowledge of this forced a rush of blood to feed every nerve ending in my body, turning my already sensitive skin into a map of sensation and feeling.
I bit my lip to keep from moaning again, but I couldn’t stop the whimper that came out of me as the continuous sliding of the sensual smoke ignited an inferno deep within me, causing things to burn that shouldn’t, sending sparks to singe the outer reaches of my sanity, to which I clung to desperately.
I could hear the music from some unknown song play in my head, Robert’s name the only lyric that carried me through each beat, each measure until I finally let go, unable to hang on to the ceaseless rhythm any longer. My hands grabbed fistfuls of fabric, even as tiny strands of smoky wonder trailed thro
ugh the gaps between my fingers. Through the chaos of sensation and feeling I heard my scream spilling out from my lips as I turned to my side, unable to remain still, unable to contain what it was that had created itself inside of me. My hand reached over and grabbed the edge of the bed, needing its support as my body felt lifted, weightless, boneless.
I gasped for air, the sensation that there simply wasn't enough of it causing my chest to expand with my greedy breaths. Over and over, the dark haze wound about me, coiling around my body like a python embracing its prey. It grew tighter and tighter until it was an almost tangible feeling, strong yet vulnerable as the transparent mist soon gave way to what I imagined was the heated skin of arms that shook with the enormity of everything that was happening, that had happened, that would happen. The rise and fall of hectic breathing I felt was startling.
Was it mine? It had to have been mine—Robert didn’t need to breathe. So why did I hear his ragged breath, feel the overheated warmth of it wash over my ear?
And surely that was my heart that was thundering so loud in my ears that it blocked out sense and reason. I hadn’t even realized it was still there, having somehow managed to remain pinned inside of my chest despite the feeling that it escaped through the hole it had drummed through me. My eyes refused to focus, so I simply closed them, content to stare at the back of my lids and imagine Robert’s face filled with the same wonder that had taken over me at that moment.
What had just happened? It was wondrous and marvelous, and it left me feeling like I had taken on wings of my own and soared into an endless flight of sensation and reason. But what exactly was that? All through me, my nerve endings sparked as their own individual memories ticked with the residual feelings.
I took several deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself down, to slow the rapid thrumming inside of me, to give myself the strength to say something.
You don’t need to say anything.
The shaky arms that I imagined were around me were, in fact, real, solid and strong, yet they still vibrated with the vulnerability of what had just occurred between us.
“Robert…”
Please, Grace. Don’t say anything.
And so I didn’t. I wouldn’t have known what to say, anyway. This was as intimate a moment as we’d ever shared, an experience that I had never expected, never dreamed of. How could I? I didn’t understand what had happened between us, what it was that had just occurred, but it went beyond words. Even the silence seemed too intrusive. With a resigned sigh, I pushed myself against him and let him hold me until our breathing had slowed and the beating of my heart could no longer be heard from within me.
The room had become dark as night settled over Heath. It should have been a perfect moment. It would have been a perfect moment, were it not for the heavy burdens that hung over the both of us, the truth that waited for us to emerge from this little sanctuary of our own making and face it.
We’ll need to leave soon.
I nodded in agreement. “I know.”
Grace…
“Can you tell me? Can you tell me what that was?”
I…
I turned my body around, my head lifting up to look at him and seeing the tears that glistened just out of reach of falling. “Robert, please.”
Grace, I couldn’t give you what you wanted. I couldn’t give either of us what we wanted, but I could give you that.
“Give me what? What was that because I know that wasn’t what I expected—that definitely wasn’t what I learned about in health class either…. It was better!”
He laughed softly, the sound filled with more sadness than humor. In Latin it’s called noster nostri, two hearts beating as one.
My hand rose to rest against his bare chest, the shirt he had been wearing having long been discarded somewhere. “What a funny way to describe what I live every single waking second. But that’s not what happened between us, Robert. That was…that was…too good to be…good,” I panted before a terrifying thought crashed into my head.
Oh dear God, did I just betray Ameila? I had promised her that I wouldn’t break the laws of the Nephilim; I wouldn’t become intimate with Robert. What was that if not becoming intimate with him?
Grace, stop worrying, please. What we did, it wasn’t wrong. There are no laws that say an angel cannot share the noster nostri with humans. I only wish it could have been more.
"How could there be more than that?" I wondered aloud.
With gentle hands, Robert brought my face to his and placed a delicate kiss on my lips. My skin was so sensitive that every ounce of contact was like a mini explosion of memory and feeling. How could there more when I had already experienced more than a lifetime's worth of pleasure in one unbelievable moment?
Oh Grace, believe me, there's more. So much more.
“Am I your…” I couldn’t say it. I wanted to know if he had ever shared this noster nostri with anyone else, but I could not find the courage to voice it. How anyone could was unfathomable to me—the idea of not being the first to share such a private moment with someone you loved was altogether heartbreaking. Robert was the first of everything for me.
Grace, you’re the first of everything for me, too. Surely you know that by now. Every feeling, every emotion, every touch I've shared with you was because of you, and no one has ever, or will ever make me feel that way. Only you.
He brought me close against him and our legs wound around each other, his hand gently stroking my back with slow, languid strokes that only increased the fury of feeling that had begun to take over my body.
“I’m sorry. I can’t help it,” I said meekly, looking down at his chin. “You can see that I’m about as ignorant as it gets when it comes to these things, and the fact that you have your own…ways of doing things makes my ignorance more noticeable. But I don’t know what you’ve done, or how far you’ve gone with anyone else. I only know what you’ve told me, and all things considered, that’s not much.”
He sighed and brought a hand beneath my chin, pushing it up and encouraging me to face my fears head on. You know that I’ve never been with anyone physically, Grace. That includes this way. I’ve held many hands, I’ve kissed many cheeks, but you have been the only one I’ve ever felt, let alone felt attracted to. You're the only one who makes me wish I were a human man who could give you everything you want and need.
"I don't want a human to be everything I want and need. No human ever could. You are everything I've ever wanted, everything I've ever needed." My hands went up to his face and they traced the outline of his jaw, his sharp nose, the curved peak of his lips. He began to do the same, the two of us burning these lines into our memories, each for our own separate reasons: he to keep for long after I had gone, while I did it to have something to give me the strength and courage I would need when Sam finally won.
Robert's body stiffened as he heard my thoughts, a tremor of anger rolling through him that quickly destroyed any and all of the blissful feelings that we had just shared. Sam will not win, Grace. He may eventually get what he wants, but he will not win.
He rolled over and sat up, his naked back to me; the tree like markings that crawled along the strong, lean lines of his shoulders and spine would have been a forbidding image to take in for most people, but to me, they were beautiful, majestic with the promise of what they would become. I crawled onto my knees and placed my hands on the two apexes that turned branches to wings, feeling his muscles tense for just a moment before relaxing beneath my palms.
“What do we do now?”
We wait until we know what the elders have decided. It’s why I came back in, what I wanted to tell you. They’ve ordered you to remain here until their decision has been made.
“But that could be forever! You told me about how long it takes for them to make a decision—I don’t have that long! Graham doesn’t have that long!” I was panicked; the idea that I’d be prevented from doing what it was that I knew must be done in order to save Graham’s life, as well as
Robert’s soul causing me to run to the bathroom.
“Grace-” Robert called out after me.
I grabbed the pair of sweats that were still sitting on the bathroom counter and pulled them on. My fingers fumbled with the buttons on Robert’s shirt, but I managed to undo them and threw on the t-shirt that had been laid out for me as well.
“What are you doing?”
I reached into the shower and grabbed the rubber band that had held my hair up and turned to face him. “I’m leaving.”
“You can’t!”
I looked at him with defiance written plainly on my face. “Robert, I don’t care who they are, what their rules are, or what their intentions for Sam might be. I’m not an angel. They can’t tell me to sit here and wait for them to make up their minds. What if whatever it is that they decide causes Sam to hurt Graham, or worse? What if they decide to kill Sam? Then what?"
His mouth opened to say something but I cut him off.
“No. I’ve had it with all of your kind picking and choosing what happens to me and my friends. They’ve taken away every important decision I could have made with their rules and their laws; they’re not going to take this decision away from me, too. Graham is my friend, and he’s your…brother-in-law—don’t make that face, it’s true!”
I pulled my hair into a messy ponytail and tried to walk around him, but he would not budge. I shoved against his chest but I’d probably have had better luck trying to move a mountain. “Let me go, Robert.”
“No, Grace. You don’t understand what you’re dealing with. Yes, you’re not an angel, but when has that ever stopped my kind from holding dominion over yours? Many of our laws hold consequences directed towards humans should they be broken. You know that!”
