‘Of course I’d be pleased to do so. But I believe Josie has already spoken to Rick in just these terms. The current rift between them may in fact have to do with Josie expressing herself too forcefully on this very topic.’
‘That’s interesting to know. If what you say is correct, then it’s more important than ever, what I’m asking you. Josie may feel she has to relent in order for them to make up. She may come to feel she was wrong ever to take the attitude she did. Well, you must speak with her. Tell her she must persevere, never mind what temper tantrums he throws. Is something the matter, dear?’
‘I’m sorry. It’s just that I’m a little surprised.’
‘Oh? Why are you surprised, dear?’
‘Well, I…Frankly, I’m surprised because Miss Helen’s request concerning Rick appears very sincere. I’m surprised someone would desire so much a path that would leave her in loneliness.’
‘And that’s what surprises you?’
‘Yes. Until recently, I didn’t think that humans could choose loneliness. That there were sometimes forces more powerful than the wish to avoid loneliness.’
Miss Helen smiled. ‘You really are a sweet one. You don’t say as much, but I can tell what you’re thinking. A mother’s love for her son. Such a noble thing, to override the dread of loneliness. And you might not be wrong. But let me tell you, there are all kinds of other very good reasons why, in a life like mine, one might prefer loneliness. I’ve often made such a choice in the past. I did so, for instance, rather than stay with Rick’s father. Late father, very sadly, though Rick has no memory of him. Even so, he was for a while my husband, and not an entirely useless one at that. It’s thanks to him we’re able to get by this way, even if we don’t exactly live in splendor. Here’s Rick coming back again. Oh, he’s not. He wishes to stay out there and sulk further.’
Indeed, Rick had come walking up the plank steps and glanced towards the house, but had then sat down on the top step, his back turned to us once more.
‘I must return to Josie,’ I said then. ‘It was very kind of Miss Helen to take me into her confidence. I’ll do as you ask and speak with Josie.’
‘And speak with her repeatedly. This is Rick’s only chance. And as I say, I have a secret weapon. A contact. Perhaps the next time Chrissie takes Josie into the city, perhaps when she next sits for her portrait, Rick and I could cadge a ride. Then Rick could meet my secret weapon, hopefully impress him. Chrissie and I have already spoken about it. But all of this is useless until Rick changes his attitude.’
‘I understand. Then goodbye. I must go now.’
When I stepped out onto the platform, I could feel the wind blowing through the gaps of the planks more strongly than before. The fields were no longer divided into boxes, so I could see a single clear picture all the way to the horizon. Despite the altered angles, Mr McBain’s barn was where I expected it to be, though now a slightly changed shape to the one from Josie’s rear window.
I walked past the cobweb refrigerator to the top plank where Rick was seated. I thought he might still be angry and ignore me, but he looked up with gentle eyes.
‘I’m sorry if my visit caused friction,’ I said.
‘Hardly your fault. It often gets like that.’
We both looked at the fields before us, and I realized after a moment that his gaze, like mine, was on Mr McBain’s barn.
‘You were saying something,’ he said. ‘Before Mum came down. You were saying how you wanted to go out to that barn for some reason.’
‘Yes. And it will have to be in the evening. It’s essential to time such a trip accurately.’
‘And you’re sure you don’t want me to go with you?’
‘It’s very kind of Rick. But if there are informal trails leading to Mr McBain’s barn, it’s best I go alone. It’s important I don’t take anything for granted.’
‘Okay. If you say so.’ He was squinting up at me, partly on account of the Sun’s pattern on his face, but also, I realized, because he was once again studying me carefully, perhaps assessing my ability to make such a journey. ‘Look,’ he said eventually. ‘I don’t really understand what this is about. But if it’s going to help Josie to get better, then, well, good luck.’
‘Thank you. Now I must return to the house.’
‘You know, I’ve been thinking about it,’ he said. ‘Perhaps you could tell Josie I really liked her picture. That I was grateful. And that if it’s okay with her, I’d like to come over soon and tell her that myself.’
‘Josie will be so happy when she hears.’
‘Maybe tomorrow even.’
‘Yes, of course. Well then, goodbye. It was a very interesting trip for me. Thank you for your useful advice.’
‘See you, Klara. Go carefully.’
* * *
—
The timing of my journey to Mr McBain’s barn, as I’d told Rick, was crucial, and when I crossed the loose stones towards the picture frame gate for the second time that day, a fear came into my mind that I’d miscalculated. The Sun was already low before me – and I couldn’t assume the second and third fields would be as easy to navigate as the first.
My journey began reassuringly, the informal trail to Rick’s house similar to what it had been in the morning. This time I had both hands to push away the grass, and as I did so, evening insects flew up. I saw more insects hovering before me in the air, nervously exchanging positions, but unwilling to abandon their friendly clusters.
My fear of not reaching Mr McBain’s barn in time caused me to give only a brief glance at Rick’s house as I passed it, and then I was further along the informal trail, beyond any point I’d been. I went through another picture frame gate, then the grass became too tall to see the barn any more. The field became partitioned into boxes, some larger than others, and I pressed on, conscious of the contrasting atmospheres between one box and another. One moment the grass would be soft and yielding, the ground easy to tread; then I’d cross a boundary and everything would darken, the grass would resist my pushes, and there would be strange noises around me, making me fearful that I’d made a serious miscalculation, that there was no justifiable reason to disturb his privacy in the manner I was hoping to do, that my efforts would have gravely negative consequences for Josie. While crossing one particularly unkind box, I heard around me the cries of an animal in pain, and a picture came into my mind of Rosa, sitting on the rough ground somewhere outdoors, little pieces of metal scattered around her, as she reached out both hands to grasp one of her legs stretched out stiffly before her. The image was in my mind for only a second, but the animal carried on making its noise, and I felt the ground collapsing beneath me. I remembered the terrible bull on the walk up to Morgan’s Falls, and how in all probability it had emerged from beneath the ground, and for a brief moment, I even thought the Sun wasn’t kind at all, and this was the true reason for Josie’s worsening condition. Even in this confusion, I was convinced that if I could only pull myself through into a kinder box, I’d become safe. I’d also been aware of a voice calling to me, and I now spotted an object – shaped like one of the overhaul men’s traffic cones – placed in the grass a little ahead of me. The voice was coming from behind this cone, and when I tried to move towards it, I realized it was in fact two cones, one inserted into the other, allowing the higher one to perform a rocking motion, perhaps to draw the attention of passers-by.
‘Klara! Come on! Over here!’
I came closer, then realized these weren’t cones at all, but Rick, holding back the grass with one hand and reaching the other towards me. Now that I’d recognized him, I had even more incentive to move towards him, but my feet sank further, and I knew if I attempted another step I’d lose balance and fall deep into the ground. I knew too that despite Rick appearing to be within touching distance, he was not in reality so near because of the fierce border separating our box
es. Even so, he continued to reach out towards me, and where his arm crossed into my box, it appeared elongated and bent.
‘Klara, come on!’
But I’d accepted now that I would soon fall into the ground, that the Sun was angry with me, and perhaps unkind, and that Josie was disappointed with me. I began to lose orientation, even as Rick’s arm grew longer and more crooked till it touched me. It stopped me falling, and my feet steadied a little.
‘Okay, Klara. This way.’
He was guiding – almost carrying – me across, and then I was in a kind box, the Sun’s generous pattern over me, and my thoughts found order once more.
‘Thank you. Thank you for coming to help.’
‘I saw you from my window. Are you okay?’
‘Yes, everything is fine again. The field posed more problems than I expected.’
‘I suppose these little ditches can get tricky. I have to say, from up there, you looked like one of those flies that buzz around blindly on the window pane. But that’s unkind, I’m sorry.’
I smiled and said: ‘I feel so foolish.’ Then remembering, I looked up to check the Sun’s position. ‘This journey is so important,’ I said, looking at him again. ‘But I estimated incorrectly and now I won’t get there in time.’
The grass was still too high to see Mr McBain’s barn in the distance, but Rick was looking straight in its direction, a hand shielding his eyes, and it occurred to me he was tall enough to see it.
‘I should have left the house earlier,’ I said, ‘regardless of the awkwardness when I returned. But I was waiting till Josie fell asleep, and to allow Melania Housekeeper to believe I was going on another errand to Rick’s house. I thought there’d be sufficient time, but the fields were more complex than I’d imagined.’
Rick was still looking towards Mr McBain’s barn. ‘You keep saying you won’t get there in time,’ he said. ‘But when exactly did you want to be there?’
‘Just as the Sun is arriving at Mr McBain’s barn. But before he disappears for his rest.’
‘Look, I don’t understand any of this. And I appreciate you can’t let me in on it for whatever reason. But if you want, I’ll take you there.’
‘That’s very kind. But even with Rick guiding, I believe it’s now too late.’
‘I wouldn’t guide you. I’ll carry you. Piggyback. We’ve got a way to go yet, but if we hurry, I think we can make it.’
‘You’d do that?’
‘You keep saying it’s important. Important for Josie. So yes, I’d like to help. This is over my head, but then I’m used to that. If we’re going, we have to hurry.’
He turned and lowered himself into a crouching position. I understood I was to climb on his back, and immediately I did so – clasping my arms and legs around him – he began to move.
* * *
—
Now I was higher, I could see better the evening sky, and the roof of Mr McBain’s barn ahead of us. Rick moved confidently, crashing through the grass, and since his arms were occupied holding me, most of the impact was taken by his head and shoulders. I felt sorry about this, and that there was so little I could do myself to push back the grass.
Then I looked up past Rick’s head and saw that the sky had become divided into segments of irregular shape. Some segments were glowing orange or pink, while others showed pieces of the night sky, sections of the moon visible at a corner or edge. As Rick moved forward, the segments kept overlapping and displacing one another, even as we passed through another picture frame gate. After that the grass, instead of being delicate and waving, came towards us as flat shapes, possibly made from heavy board such as the sort used for street advertising, and I feared they would cause Rick injury as he plunged into them. Then the sky and the field were no longer in segments, but one broad picture, and Mr McBain’s barn was looming before us.
The uneasy thought that had been growing in my mind could now no longer be set aside. Even before Rick had come to my aid, I’d started to wonder if the Sun’s resting place really was inside the barn itself. Of course, I’d been the one, not Josie, who’d first suggested such a thing, that time we’d gazed out together from the rear window, so any such error was entirely my own. Certainly, there was no question of Josie having misled me at any stage. Even so, it was a discouraging thought that the Sun was about to descend not into the place I was making such an effort to reach, but somewhere further away still.
What I now observed obliged me to accept that my fear was justified. Mr McBain’s barn was unlike any building I’d seen. It resembled the outer shell of a house the men hadn’t yet finished. There was a gray roof with a facing triangle in the usual manner, supported to the left and right by walls of a darker shade. But apart from the sections enclosing the roof, the structure had no walls front or rear. The wind, I knew, was even then blowing right the way through with barely any obstruction. And the Sun, I saw, had now fallen behind the barn’s structure, and was sending his rays through the rear opening back out to us as we approached.
We’d meanwhile come into a clearing not unlike the one upon which Rick’s house was built. There was grass here, but it had been cut, perhaps by Mr McBain himself, to just above feet level. The cutting had been performed skillfully, so that a pattern could be seen weaving towards the barn entrance, and because the Sun was now shining straight through the barn, its shadow was spreading across the grass towards us.
Though it seemed discourteous, I signaled urgently to Rick by tightening my arms and legs. ‘Please stop!’ I whispered into his ear. ‘Stop! Please let me down!’
He lowered me carefully, and we both gazed at the scene before us. Although I now had to accept the barn couldn’t be the Sun’s actual resting place, I allowed myself an encouraging possibility: that regardless of where the Sun ultimately settled, Mr McBain’s barn was a place he made a point of calling at last thing each evening, just as Josie always visited her en suite before retiring to bed.
‘I’m so grateful,’ I said, keeping my voice low, despite the outdoor acoustics. ‘But from here, it’s best Rick leaves me and I go alone.’
‘Whatever you say. If you like, I’ll wait here for you. How long do you suppose you’ll be?’
‘It’s best Rick returns to his house. Miss Helen will worry otherwise.’
‘Mum will be fine. I think I’d better wait. Remember how it was going before I came on the scene? And your journey back will probably be in the dark.’
‘I’ll have to manage. Rick has been too kind already. And it’s best I enter alone. As it is, standing here like this, it might already be stealing too much privacy.’
Rick looked again at Mr McBain’s barn, then shrugged. ‘Okay. I’ll leave you to it. Whatever this is you have to do.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Good luck, Klara. I mean it.’
He turned and walked back into the tall grass, and soon I could no longer see him.
Once alone, I began to place my thoughts fully on the task before me. It occurred to me that if a passer-by had stood directly before the barn even five minutes earlier, they would have been able to see not only the evening sky through the rear, and the continuation of the field, but also a lot more of the barn’s shadowy interior. But now, with the Sun’s rays coming straight towards me, I could make out only some blurred box-like shapes stacked one on top of the other. And the thought returned to me with more certainty than ever that, even accounting for the Sun’s great generosity, what I was about to do carried risk, and would require all my concentration. I heard behind me the breeze in the grass and the cries of distant birds, and ordering my thoughts, I walked across the cut grass towards Mr McBain’s barn.
* * *
—
The interior was filled with orange light. There were particles of hay drifting in the air like evening insects, and his patterns were falling all across the
barn’s wooden floor. When I glanced behind me my own shadow looked like a tall thin tree ready to break in the wind.
There were some curious features about my surroundings. On first entering the barn, I’d encountered such sharply contrasting divisions of brightness and shadow that my sight had taken a few moments to adjust. Nevertheless, I’d established quickly that the blocks of hay, whose shapes I’d noted from outside, were now to my left, stacked one on top of the other to form a kind of platform – one as tall as my shoulders – upon which passers-by could climb or even lie down and rest. But the hay blocks had been stacked so as to allow a gap between them and the wall behind – perhaps so that Mr McBain could gain access from that side. Peering over the hay platform, I now saw, fixed to this wall and running all along it, the Red Shelves from our store, complete with the ceramic coffee cups displayed upside down and in a line.
On my other side – to my right – where the shadows were at their deepest, I saw a section of wall almost identical to the front alcove. In fact I felt sure that if I went over to it, I’d discover amidst the shadows an AF standing there proudly at the spot where – no matter what else was said – customers were most likely to look first.
Also on my right, though not as far over as the alcove, was the only item in the barn that could be counted as furniture: a small metal foldaway chair, now in its open position, at present bisected by a diagonal separating its brightly lit area from its shadowy one. This chair too was reminiscent of the chairs Manager kept in the back room and occasionally unfolded in the store, except that its paint had started to flake, revealing patches of metal underneath.
I decided, after some reflection, that it wouldn’t be discourteous to sit down on this chair while waiting for the Sun. When I did so, I fully expected to see a revised picture of my surroundings due to the altered angle, but was surprised to find that everything had instead become partitioned – and not just into the usual boxes, but into segments of irregular shape. Inside some segments I could see certain parts of Mr McBain’s farming tools – a spade handle, the lower half of a metal ladder. In another segment was what I knew to be the mouths of two plastic buckets placed side by side, but owing perhaps to the difficult light conditions, they were presented simply as two intersecting ovals.
Klara and the Sun Page 15
